September is upon us and many of us are going back to college for another semester of higher education and even higher bong hits. For a lot of people, school is an amazing wonderland that enriches the mind with knowledge and experience. If you are one of these people, I despise you — yet long to become you.
My days are mostly spent staring blankly like a grouper fish while my professors tell unfunny jokes. It has already come to the point where they barely register in my melted mind.
Melted is the key word here, as the recent heat wave has made walking around both uncomfortable and embarrassing. As I drag myself into class, I can’t help but think that looking like I’ve just run a marathon in a rubber suit raises some eyebrows. I no longer find it disturbing that I regularly fantasize about destroying the sun and gleefully frolicking amidst an Ice Age utopia.
So it’s strange that one of my new favorite snacks promotes the virtues and value of heat. Indeed, the Blazin’ Buffalo flavor of Goldfish has been both a tasty and satisfying snack whenever I feel the need to crunch on something. I’m probably ten years above the target market, but I can’t resist a snack that actually smiles back at me as I’m eating it.
The flavor appealed to me because I’ve been looking for something to curb my hot wing addiction for quite some time. Since football season is now coming back in full gear, I decided that buying the Goldfish for a little over a buck was a good choice to make for my wallet.
Ordering wings at my favorite place costs $35 for a tub of 50 and isn’t something I can really afford on a regular basis. It had gotten to the point where I had to sell my body for bottles of blue cheese. Actually, it never got that far, but it would make for a funny story.
So does the taste of these lovable crackers actually come close to buffalo wings? Well, sort of. It’s not actually all that spicy, certainly not spicy enough to warrant a “Blazin'” label. Thankfully, it’s also not as salty as the other “Flavor Blasted” varieties that taste as though they’ve been invented for the sole purpose of giving children high blood pressure.
Overall, it’s a tasty snack because it has a decent amount of buffalo wing flavor while still maintaining the addictive qualities of Goldfish crackers. It’s nothing to get too excited about, but at least I can now proudly hum the Goldfish jingle to myself as I’m slowly roasting in a poorly ventilated classroom.
Item: Goldfish Flavor Blasted Blazin’ Buffalo Wing
Price: $1.29
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tasty buffalo wing flavor that isn’t overbearing. Great snack for kids, kids-at-heart, and kid lovers. Happily dancing in a frozen tundra.
Cons: Not as spicy as I would like it to be. Eating a children’s snack as a young adult. Sweating a lot more than other people. Prostituting my body for condiments.