REVIEW: Goldfish Zesty Ranch Crackers

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Goldfish Zesty Ranch Crackers bag

You’ve tried the best, you’ve probably tried the rest, now it’s time to try the zest.

How do you like your Ranch? Homestyle maybe? Cool perhaps? Me? I like it zesty!

Some of my favorite things are zesty – oranges, sizzling fajitas, Knicks big-man Karl Anthony Towns – and just like a KAT I love me some fishes. Gold-fishes to be exact.

That’s why I was so intrigued by these new Zesty Ranch Goldfish. I’ve never had Ranch-flavored Goldfish. I assumed this was a completely new flavor profile, but then the untrustworthy Google told me Pepperidge Farm also sells “Flavor Blasted Racing Ranch,” so maybe not?

*shrug* Either way, a Ranch-flavored Goldfish is new to me. Gotta be good, right?

Can they possibly be, “Zesty. Creamy. Yee-Haw!” as the bag boasts?

Goldfish Zesty Ranch Crackers back of bag

Yee-naw! I’m just gonna cut to the chase, no chumming the waters, no baiting the hook, no idea how to fish, so no clue what I’m talking about, these are simply ok.

The initial taste leans a little too sour for me. I’d check the “best by” date if this was a bottle of Ranch dressing, but to be fair, it mellows out pretty quickly.

They’re very salty for a non-Flavor Blasted Goldfish, but it’s tolerable because it works well to counter the aforementioned strong sour ranch. That said, that overall flavor is fleeting. The bland cracker takes over mid-chew, and they just kinda taste like saltines.

Goldfish Zesty Ranch Crackers close up

I don’t know if that bums me out or not, because while I want more flavor, I don’t particularly think the Ranch is all that appetizing here. It doesn’t stack up to other Ranch snacks, with Cool Ranch Doritos obviously being the gold standard.

The flavor is almost great, but never quite gets to where I wanted it to go. They remind me of a few of my favorite crackers of all time – Chicken in a Biscuit and the, as far as I know, long-discontinued Nabisco Vegetable Thins. If those still exist, please let me know, because I used to crush them as a kid.

The flavor is slightly reminiscent of Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup powder once you get beyond the quick sour Ranch kick. That would be fine, but as I said, the cracker is very dry and salty, so the flavor evolves three times per munch. These are like the Gobstopper of Goldfish.

I’ve had worse, but I still wish I had the memory of a Goldfish so I could forget about these.

Goldfish Zesty Ranch Crackers mixed with other Goldfish flavors

Zesty Ranch ranks in the lower to mid-tier of the Goldfish scale (pun!), but there is a way to gussy them up, or guppy them up if you will. You won’t. I mixed these into a bowl of Xtra Cheddar and Pretzel Mix Goldfish, and I liked those fishes because they were so delicious.

That’s my recommendation. Wait until your supermarket has a 3-for-Whatever sale on Goldfish (probably $15 these days, am I right?!) and mix Zesty Ranch with other flavors, because I think they work better as a school. I also think these would probably be an excellent cracker to drop into some soup. Keep that in mind when you’re snowed in this winter.

Let’s go Knicks!

Fin.

Purchased Price: $3.69
Size: 6.6 oz.
Purchased at: Stop and Shop
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (52 pieces) 140 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 320 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of total sugars, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, and 3 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Milano Mango White Chocolate Cookies

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Pepperidge Farm Milano Cookies belong in a very specific, subjective category of accessible snack foods that I have always perceived to be a little fancy. Along with gold-wrapped Ferrero Rocher and snooty French Grey Poupon, Milano cookies have a certain air of elegance even though they share the same grocery store shelf as Oreos and Chips Ahoy. Everyone loves an Oreo, of course, but can they be called distinctive?

Milano’s line of white chocolate flavors has somewhat reinvigorated this stereotype of fanciness for me, and so finding its Mango White Chocolate Cookies felt like striking gold. The line includes Lemon, Strawberry, and Coconut flavors, all of which I have previously enjoyed.

Mango joins their tasty ranks, but with a caveat: the mango flavor is an imposter. There is a floral fruitiness to the cookies that is reminiscent of mango, but it lacks the fruit’s bright, tropical flair. If I were blindfolded (this is Milano, so I imagine the blindfold must be silk), I would guess the fruit flavor to be apricot. The subtle, honeyed flavor reminds me of the apricot jam-filled thumbprint or kolachi cookies available in bakeries, except with added sweetness from the white chocolate. If you manage to taste the orange-colored mango component of the filling separately, the tart pineapple-y notes are more discernible—but you may need to decimate the sandwich cookies to get there.

Of course, Milano cookies are known for their delicate, crumbly biscuits. The buttery vanilla cookies lend themselves beautifully to the filling’s flavor. While the filling only insinuates mango, it does yield a balanced, light, and sweet cookie that pairs well with tea. More mango flavor might overshadow the biscuit or rely on an overly artificial, candylike flavor, and how uncouth that would be for a so-called fancy cookie.

Milano Mango White Chocolate Cookies split

Milano Mango White Chocolate Cookies may fall short of the concentrated flavor burst that tropical fruit fans love, but they are still a worthy addition to the white chocolate product line. Of the flavors so far, I like them second best (after the exquisite Lemon variety) and humbly petition for raspberry and blueberry flavors too—please and thank you, Pepperidge Farm! While I should delicately savor these cookies per the line’s elegant aesthetic, I can’t promise I won’t devour them instead.

Purchased Price: $4.69
Size: 7 oz package
Purchased at: Wegmans
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 cookies) 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 40 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.

REVIEW: Awesome Sauce Goldfish Crackers

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If there are two things the internet loves, it’s tier lists and sauces. That’s it – just those two things. Nothing more.

Don’t act like you’ve never glared at a fifteen-minute YouTube video of some dork ranking their favorite… I don’t know, band-aid shapes and raged out when they put “butterfly” in the C-tier. That’s a great functional shape! Who is this hypothetical fool I’m inventing out of thin air?!

Then you’ve got the social media sauce epidemic we’ve been living in for the past decade. Every “viral” sandwich, burger, burrito, etc, looks delicious… until it’s smothered with a waterfall of multi-colored sauces. Who’s eating these wet disasters?! A little dab’ll do ya!

So, in honor of the internet’s two biggest (fact-checked) obsessions, I decided to make my own sauce tier list. Rapid fire, ready:

S-Tier – None.

Yeah, that’s as far as I got. I don’t have a favorite sauce. I’m desperately seeking a favorite sauce to fill my S(auce)-tier. If only there were a new sauce out there to knock my socks off, a great sauce, maybe even an… oh, hey, Goldfish has a new “AWESOME Sauce” flavor. Let’s do it.

If you’re like me, seek help, but also, you’re probably wondering what “awesome sauce” is. I ate two handfuls, and I’m still curious.

Pepperidge Farm doesn’t even know, as the bag reads, “Sweet, smoky, tangy… Awesome. The taste that’s hard to describe and impossible to resist.”

I agree with half of that statement. They’re hard to describe but quite easy to resist.

My initial assumption was that these would be a generic “burger sauce.” I think I was hoping for that because deep down, I feared what was coming, and let’s just say it’s a flavor that would probably land on my C tier – Chick-fil-A sauce.

I know people swear by it, but you can keep Chick-fil-A sauce. I think it’s a strange concoction that isn’t better than the individual sum of its parts. I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re going for.

Initially, these taste like a sweet-ish BBQ sauce, and right when you start to enjoy that, the tang gets a bit vinegary, and if you start to enjoy that, the flavor flat-out dies in a time span shorter than a real goldfish’s memory.

This is one of the worst Goldfish crackers I’ve ever had, even beyond the flavor itself. The cracker is so bland and… crackery. As dumb as it sounds, it’s the first time I’ve ever been cognizant of the cracker. I’ve never gotten that from other varieties because the flavors persist.

I mean, I can’t argue with the bag; these are sweet, smokey, and tangy. They would’ve been quite good if they were also a little spicy. They could’ve been saltier too.

I can’t say these are awesome. They’re not awe-ful, but I’m not a big fan. If you love Chick-fil-A sauce, you’ll probably wanna catch ’em all, but again, it’s one of the quickest flavor drop-offs I can remember in a savory snack like this. These probably should’ve been “Flavor Blasted.”

D-tier confirmed.

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 6.1 oz.
Purchased at: Shop Rite
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (53 pieces) 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 300 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of total sugars, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Harry Potter Butterbeer Goldfish

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Apparently, it’s Butterbeer Season, a March-through-May festivity at Universal Orlando Resort that Google has just informed me is traditionally celebrated with a frothy glass of the titular butterscotch beverage. But, like Harry Potter’s Patronus, a new crop of Butterbeer-flavored products has poofed onto the market as if by magic, and thus Butterbeer Season can now be celebrated in the comfort of your own home (or local grocery store parking lot if you really can’t wait). From this flood, I reeled in quite the catch: Butterscotch Goldfish (or, as their parents would call them when they’re angry, Harry Potter Butterbeer Butterscotch Flavored Graham Crackers).

Goldfish’s Grahams line swaps the classic savory flavors of the “snack that smiles back” and cracker-like texture for a sweeter, more cookie-esque style. Rather than being brittle and cheesy, these Butterbeer Goldfish are dense and dessert-y. Beyond that, though, I’m honestly finding them a bit hard to explain. They certainly smell like butterscotch, but when I took my first nibble, the immediate flavor wasn’t what I was expecting: it was salty. As far as I can tell, this saltiness didn’t come from the Goldfish cracker itself but rather from the gritty seasoning it’s covered with. These aren’t nearly as powdery and messy as, say, orange-dust-engulfed Cheetos, but I still found the coating inconvenient and mildly unsettling.

That taste quickly gave way to a richer graham cracker flavor, but it wasn’t one that I would have immediately identified as “butterscotch” had that word not been literally written on the bag. Sure, I can kind of taste the “butter” element, but I was expecting some additional caramelized creaminess that never surfaced. Puzzled by how to pin down this agreeable, comforting, but rather indistinct flavor, I sampled another piece… which turned into a handful… and soon I found myself as full of fish as a patron of an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant, but not necessarily full of insights. (Well, okay, they’re not all shaped like fish—there are fun Butterbeer barrels and foaming glasses in there, too.)

These Goldfish are tasty and toasty, sugary and brown sugar-y, and have a subtle treacly aftertaste that reminded me a bit of maple syrup. But they left me wishing I was a Hogwarts student so I could use an “Accio” spell to conjure up an understanding of why exactly they have been branded as butterscotch-tasting… or how exactly they’re different than the other similar flavors of Goldfish Grahams I’ve had in the past.

But I don’t mean to Avada Kedavra with faint praise: Butterbeer Goldfish are not bad by any means, it’s just that in order to differentiate them from any other graham snack on the market, you might need a Sorting Hat.

Purchased Price: $3.19
Size: 6.1 oz bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (31 pieces) 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Goldfish Crisps

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There have been so many flavors of Goldfish Crackers that it becomes difficult to pinpoint at any one time exactly how many are actively on the market. But there are only THREE types of Goldfish CRISPS, and that’s easier to figure out because they’re brand new, baby!

When I think of Goldfish crackers, my mind immediately goes to the classic cheddar flavor, the little orange smiley guys that are delightfully cheesy. I decided to try the cheddar flavor Goldfish Crisps first in homage. The Goldfish Crisps’ main difference from classic Goldfish Crackers is their texture. These are very light and puffy and certainly live up to the crisp namesake. They have a slightly sweet, very mild base and leave it to the seasoning powder to do the heavy lifting on flavor. The cheddar seasoning powder is pretty tasty and just salty enough to keep you coming back for return bites.

I was surprised, however, at the lack of cheesy flavor in the base until I looked it up and realized that Original Goldfish Crackers are also devoid of cheese. My bad, Pepperidge Farm! The Goldfish Crisp base seems much closer to the Original Goldfish Cracker base in flavor, but it is potato-based and contains whey. The crispy texture reminds me of Quest Protein chips, but these are much better and not as mouth drying.

My fingers dove into the schools of Salt & Vinegar and Sour Cream & Onion Goldfish Crisps next. I’ll admit I’m not an enormous salt and vinegar fan, but these seemed particularly off base. Because the base crisp has a slight sweetness, they just tasted like salt & vinegar club crackers. The vinegar flavor was way too strong, and I found it easy to stop eating them. Another thing I noticed was that all Goldfish crisps are devoid of the characteristic Goldfish Cracker “smile.” Not to worry, though, I wasn’t smiling at the salt & vinegar flavor, so I didn’t care that they weren’t smiling back.

The sour cream & onion variety, on the other hand, was downright addictive. The seasoning blend on these Goldfish Crisps was super delicious, like any classic sour cream & onion chip. They were generously seasoned (an extreme case shown below!), which added to the enjoyment. They reminded me of homemade ranch-seasoned oyster crackers. In fact, ranch would be a great line extension if anyone at Big Pepperidge happens to be reading.

Overall, I’m pretty impressed by the new Goldfish Crisps. If you assume Goldfish’s base snack business is largely aimed at children, these seem designed for an older consumer. They mean business with their strong flavor and fishy faces devoid of emotion. I’d certainly try the sour cream & onion again, in particular.

Purchased Price: $3.99 each
Size: 6.25 oz bag
Purchased at: Jewel Osco
Rating: Cheddar (7 out of 10), Salt & Vinegar (5 out of 10), Sour Cream & Onion (9 out of 10)
Nutrition Facts: Per Serving (44 pieces) Cheddar 140 Calories, 6 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein. Salt & Vinegar – 140 Calories, 6 grams of fat, 0.5 gram of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein. Sour Cream & Onion – 140 Calories, 6 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 240 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

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