REVIEW: Snapple Juice Drinks

Fuck! Shit! Goji!

I ♥ profanity — probably a little too fuc…I mean, kiwin’ much. It’s so bad that I think I make dirty sailors blush. I can’t help it because using certain four-letter words seem like the only way I can express what I’m truly feeling. When the cops are about to knock down my door, the words, “Oh, snarf” just doesn’t seem right. Or if I’m ever in the heat of passion, the words, “Oooh, baby. You like the way I fudge you?” are probably the least erotic words I could say in bed.

But as I get older, I realize that I need to cut back on my swearing for the sake of my future children and because I’m slowly replacing every noun I know with the word “shit.”

“Did you see that shit?” or “Can you get a shit of shit from the shit?”

So I’ve tried to quit swearing in numerous ways. The first shit…I mean, goji I tried was using a swear jar, putting a certain amount of money in a jar every time I used profanity and donating that money to a worth cause. That didn’t work very well, but some UNICEF kid got really lucky this past Halloween with his orange box. If the commercials on television are correct, I think I gave him enough shi…I mean, goji to feed a third-world village for a year.

Then I figured if I’m doing it for the children, I should surrounded myself with young children and hang out at Chuck E. Cheese. You would think being around easily impressionable young minds might make me want to hold my tongue, but being around hyperactive, annoying children, who do nothing but cry and complain, had the opposite effect on me. Now those children are not only hyperactive and annoying, they also have a few more words in their vocabulary that I’m sure their parents don’t appreciate and I’ve been banned from Chuck E. Cheese.

So now I’m trying to substitute all my swear words with names of exotic fruits and so far it’s kind of working. Why names of exotic fruits? Because they sound like profanity in foreign languages. Guess which of the following words are names of exotic fruits and which are foreign swear words: salak, gunggong, skila, goji, merde, pajuo, matisia, vlaka, rambai, kuso, rambutan, goumari, noni, salaud, luntao, santol, hako, tassepe, kiwi, culone, jaboticaba, putanginamo.

I fuck up…I mean, I kiwi up once in awhile, but slowly and surely I’m becoming less dependent on profanity. How did I come up with this idea? I have to thank the new Snapple Juice Drinks I’ve been drinking, which come in four flavors, but I only tried the Noni Berry, Kiwi Pear, and Goji Punch. The juice drink label is a little misleading since according to the bottles they each contain between 5-10 percent juice.

Each flavor in the new Snapple Juice Drink line has a health benefit. The low-calorie noni and kiwi flavors help with metabolism, while the not-so-low-calorie goji one aids with immunity. So boys and girls, if you want to kill someone, drink some Snapple Goji Punch before you do it.

Oh wait, the other kiwin’ fighting germs-type of immunity.

The 40 grams of sugar in the Goji Punch might not help with either definition of immunity, since sugar is known to weaken the white blood cells in your body. As for helping with metabolism, it might seem a little more realistic since according to the bottle, studies show that consumption of 300 milligrams of EGCG antioxidants per day with caffeine helps boost metabolism and each bottle contains 30 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine and 55 milligrams of EGCG.

As for taste, the Noni Berry flavor tasted like the strawberry-kiwi Vitamin Water; the Kiwi Pear flavor had a strong pear scent, but had an equal balance of pear and kiwi flavor; and the Goji Punch tasted like berry, berry watered down berry vodka. The first two were good despite a very slight artificial sweetener aftertaste, while the goji one was really fuckin’ shitty…I mean, kiwin’ shitty…I mean, fuckin’ gojity…I mean, kiwin’ gojity.

Oh, fuck it.

(Nutrition Facts – Noni Berry & Kiwi Pear – Serving Size: 1 bottle – 20 calories, 0 grams of fat, 70 milligrams of sodium, 2 to 4 grams of carbs, 2 gram of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 30 milligrams of caffeine, 55 milligrams of EGCG, and 50 grams of non-sexy exoticness.)

(Nutrition Facts – Goji Punch – Serving Size: 1 bottle – 180 calories, 0 grams of fat, 60 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbs, 40 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 20% Vitamin A, 20% Vitamin E, and 25 grams of non-sexy exoticness.)

Item: Snapple Juice Drinks
Price: $1.19 each (17.5 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Despite being low calorie and containing artificial sweeteners, the Noni Berry and Kiwi Pear tasted pretty good. Sweet, sweet caffeine and antioxidants in the noni and kiwi flavors. Using exotic fruit names to help cut back on swearing. Helped a third-world village this Halloween.
Cons: Not much juice in these juice drinks. Goji Punch has a lot of sugar. My inability to hold back my swearing. Being banned from Chuck E. Cheese. You like the way I fudge you?

24 thoughts to “REVIEW: Snapple Juice Drinks”

  1. Fudge me harder!

    The kiwi pear looks intriguing. I did not see these at the grocery store today, was this something they sent you ahead of time?

  2. Aimee – The Kiwi Pear was my favorite flavor. I picked these up from the 7-Eleven down the street. I don’t think Snapple will ever send me another product after I bashed the tea they sent me.

  3. Don’t drink the Kiwi-pear or the Noni berry, they both have aspertame that can do some pretty awful stuff to you (brain tumors, liver failure, etc.). Look it up on Wikipedia if you don’t believe me.

  4. Wyatt – Dude, are you telling me I can’t drink Diet Pepsi Max either, since it contains aspertame. Damn you, aspertame! Damn you!

  5. Y’know, snarf doesn’t work as a substitute for shit, but it does sound sexual. Have you tried using it in that context?

  6. Brie – Actually, when I wrote that I was thinking “Oh, snap!” but I was watching the recent South Park episode “Imaginationland Episode 2” which had the Thundercats Snarf in it, so instead I typed “snarf.” But I have to disagree with you idea that it sounds sexual, because it’s too close to the word “Smurf” and “Smurf me! Smurf me!” does not sound hot unless I were role playing and I was Papa Smurf and my woman friend was Smurfette. Okay, so I guess it could be sexual.

  7. This looks way too Yuppie for me to ever be interested in trying.

    In Wisconsin, Chuck E. Cheese was popular for parents and grandparents because they served beer. I’m not joking, really.

  8. i was told by a boy who goes to my school who lives in canada, that at their chuck e cheeses you can’t go in there without a child. i guess kidnapping is big in canada? also they will not let you leave the chuck e cheese without this hand stamp that you and your kid get when you come in, like a barcode that matches eachother to insure you aren’ taking kids. i guess they are not promoting the washing of hands?

  9. I’m thinking if the Snapple lady was around still you could just give her a little sweet “You like the way I fudge you?” and she would give you cases of that shi–goji.

    I think she liked it nasty. I have grossed myself out now.

  10. Oh yeah, these sound healthy. For less than the cost of one of the drinks, why don’t we all go out and buy a pear and a kiwi? At least they’ll be 100% pear and kiwi.

  11. Hi, love the list of alternatives. By the way, the last one should be spelled “putanginamo” 🙂 “Puto” is a rice cake, so you’re kind of saying up there, you’re mom is a rice cake. Sort of loses the oomph of the actual curse no?

  12. the only way I can even handle being in a Chuck E. Cheese is drunk. I love the list of alternative/foreign curses, I think I will adopt this as well.. how does ” oh baby,me so noni” sound?

  13. stephanie – They should totally have To Catch A Predator at a Chuck E. Cheese.

    Susu – You got me thinking about what she does under that desk. Oh great, I just grossed myself out.

    Karen – I’m horrible at picking fruit and fruit is actually kind of expensive in my neck of the woods.

    Mila – Thanks for the correction! Although I think calling someone’s mother a rice cake is also insulting, because they are plain, boring, and flat.

    bikerbabeee – HA! Me so noni! Me love you long time.

  14. Kevin – Awesome!!! If only I had superpowers.

    AnneQM – Again, I’m surprised that they don’t have episodes of To Catch A Predator in Chuck E. Cheese.

  15. Holy noni! That post has to be the funniest kiwi I ever read! Seriously, though, thanks for pointing out that sugar is actually bad for your immune system. I hate marketing.

    @Alisha–I have to wholeheartedly agree with you. I know that’s why I swear so much.

  16. I fucking love your blog. It’s the only one I actually read all the way through. Don’t stop cursing. I tried this once and realized it was stupid. It’s who I am so fuck it, I’ll own it and you should too. Oh and by the way, I think fudge is a brilliant word. One of my favorite phrases is “fudge packer.” I use it on a daily bases.

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