Every Man Jack Citrus Scrub Body Wash

I’d like to think I’m an every man. Just your typical Y chromosome.


Like most guys, I love watching sports. Whenever my favorite sport, figure skating, is on, I get all crazy over that shit. Whenever my boyz come over to watch a competition, we all represent by putting on tight sequin jumpsuits with a sock in the crotch. Some of our suits have tassels, while others have lace. We each have a different favorite professional skater, so the color of the sequins on our suits depend on which country the athlete is from.

Things can get pretty rowdy when we’re watching them compete, like whenever my boy Stephane Lambiel pulls out a triple triple-double, I start to talk trash and do my bad ass victory dance, which consists of jazz hands, pirouettes, and an “In yo’ face!”


I’m a man’s man, man. Even the things I own are items that an every man has.

What man doesn’t enjoy the softness of 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets and an 800 thread count down feather comforter with images of bamboo stalks on them? I love the way it feels on my skin when I sleep every night in just my birthday suit and a gel sleep mask, like all manly men do.

Also, I have what every every man has, an array of candles. I’ve got candles for each of the seasons, candles for different moods, and candles that really help me get in touch with my masculine side. Sometimes when I’m feeling really manly, I’ll make my own candles. I’ve been experimenting with scents and I’ve come up with some manly scents, like rose lemon zest and ivory green tea potpourri.


Since I’m an every man, I knew I had to try the Every Man Jack Citrus Scrub Body Wash. As you can see in the picture above, it comes in an unusually shaped bottle, which reminded me of something manly, but I couldn’t quite figure it out at first. However, when I took it into the shower with me and turned it sideways, I quickly figured out what manly thing it was, which you can see below.

The body wash inside the cock and ballsack-shaped bottle pleasantly tickled my olfactory sense. The really nice citrus scent was sweet and orangey, which I felt was a nice unisex fragrance that both men and women could use, much like the mid-1990s over-hyped scent, cK one. It lathered up nicely and washed away cleanly.

According to the bottle, the Every Man Jack Citrus Scrub Body Wash consists of coconut-derived surfactants to cleanse, polyethylene beads to scrub away dry and dead skin, and citrus oils of mandarin orange and lemon to refresh. What this body wash doesn’t contain is sodium lauryl sulfate, dyes, and paraben, which I think is good for those of you with really sensitive skin, but if you were a man’s man, you might want to see a dermatologist for that.


Item: Every Man Jack Citrus Scrub Body Wash
Price: $4.99 (12 ounces)
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Great citrus smell. Unisex scent. Scrubby. Never tested on animals. Sodium lauryl sulfate (SLS) free. Dye free. Paraben free. Candles. Figure skating. 1000 thread count Egyptian sheets. HIGH FIVE!
Cons: Not available at many retailers. The bottle turned sideways looks like cock and balls. Being a dude and wearing the same fragrance as your female college chemistry lab partner.

18 thoughts to “Every Man Jack Citrus Scrub Body Wash”

  1. cybele – Sunday night. I was tired of giving out 3 out of 5’s since there’s really no way to know with that rating whether I felt it was above average or below average, so 10 point rating system it now is. Although I will admit, I don’t know what to do with all the previously review products, whether to change them or not.

  2. Love your blog. Thanks for the visuals. I probably wouldn’t have picked up on the shape of the body wash without it.

  3. OK, when I saw what this product was called, I couldn’t help thinking of the phrase Every Man Jack Off. Of course, this probably works all right for that as well, if that’s the sort of thing you enjoy doing in the shower.

  4. This review is just oozing testosterone. Were you pumping iron when you wrote this?

    I think the bottle looks more like a gun than balls.

  5. I am still stuck on the name. Is every man named Jack? or is Every Man the brand and the scent is Jack?

    How is a body wash different than a shower scrub?

    What are bamboo stocks? How do they do long-term?

    KK I am annoying myself. Bai! Go Hamel Camels!!

  6. I’m not a fan of products that are gender-specific for no good reason.

    I know they’re trying to masculinize shower gel to grab that male market but it irks me.

    Why can’t a women use Just For Men hair dye? Will her hair fall out? What happens if a man uses Secret Deodorant that’s pH balanced for a woman? Will it burn off his armpit skin?

  7. those figure skating parties sound hardcore.

    …i may totally have to try this stuff though, despite my lack of appendages shaped like this bottle, and knowing that even *i’m* not man enough to use mood candles. what can i say, a girl trapped in the godforsaken desert needs all the help for her skin she can get. plus, ya know, yay citrus scents.

  8. I’m sorry, I just don’t see it…or does your own “equipment” resemble the phallic bottle?

  9. Shannon – I hate the smell of old strippers. The strong mix of cheap perfume, cigarettes, and hairspray makes me sick.

    Tammy – Just to let you know, I have a sick mind.

    Chuck – I haven’t tried. Also, I think the cleaning beads would feel weird. TMI?

    Brie – An every man doesn’t pump iron. Instead we workout our minds by doing sudoku.

    Susu – To answer your questions…If someone yelled out Jack, I would probably look their way, like my name was Jack. Every Man Jack is the brand name. No difference. It just has scrubby beads in it, but it’s still a body wash. Bamboo stocks and stocks of bamboo. I hear bamboo lasts a long time. I think they make wonderful weapons in kung fu movies.

    Karen – I agree. Why can’t I use a heavy duty tampon to apply way on my car?

    betsy – Our gymnastics parties are pretty crazy too.

    Molly – Oh you innocent, innocent mind.

  10. that diagram looks like the one on my thesis, I come here to forget Marvo, not to be reminded that I’m late with the intro chapter…

  11. I know this sounds weird, but I swear, in that picture, the brown square cap looks like someone took a picture of their shiny brown hair and you photoshopped it on. I had to look at it a bunch of times lol.

  12. Marvo, Susu was being sarcastic when she asked you “how do they do long term?” as in, stock-market stocks. We’re thinking you had a good heart but you meant stalks, instead of stocks… 🙂 Just wanted to let ya know.

  13. FatYoli – I’m sorry…I stole it from your thesis. 😉

    Alisha – I lack the Photoshop skillz to do that, but I do have the skillz to stick my head on the body of a dog.

    Nevis – No, I would be stoked to receive this, but I’m easily pleased.

    spun – Yes, I did mean stalks. Thanks for pointing that out to me (Sorry to Susu for not being smart enough to catch that) Now my English teachers and professors are weeping about my weak command of the English language, but not surprised. 🙂

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