Listerine Mint Shield Smart Rinse

The lack of a burning sensation in my mouth and an absence of alcohol in the ingredients list means that the Listerine Mint Shield Smart Rinse is either made for children or cry baby pussies.

Back in my little man days, I only had the original formula Listerine and when it burned, it felt like a chlamydia-filled fiesta in my mouth. Whenever I felt that burn, I cried like a third grader who just pooped in his pants in the middle of class while learning cursive writing, but eventually I sucked it up and realized that the burn made me feel like it was working to make my breath antiseptic fresh.

Today’s little snots have it easy with their Happy Meals, fruit-flavored toothpastes, child-proof medication bottles, and Capri Suns with straws that can actually poke through the bag. Why are we coddling our children with burn-less Listerine?

Life is hard. Life is painful. Shouldn’t mouthwashes be as well? How are today’s children going to cope with the ups and downs of life if they’re not even faced with the agony of Listerine burn? Pain teaches us lessons. Burning your hands while taking something out of the microwave oven teaches us that gloves protect our hands. Being a public official and getting caught with a high-priced call girl teaches us that masturbation is okay.

I feel sorry for those kids who have to settle for the Listerine Mint Shield Smart Rinse. Besides not causing a burning sensation, it’s not very minty. The Metromint Spearmint Water I drink to make me look like a sophisticated prick has more mint flavor than this. If it isn’t very minty, how am I going to mask my breath after making out with a low-priced call girl.

Another difference between regular Listerine and this Listerine for Wussies is the amount of time vigorously swishing them in your mouth. Regular Listerine takes only 30 seconds, while the Smart Rinse takes one whole minute. Good luck getting your children to do that.

What also sucks about the Listerine Mint Shield Smart Rinse is that you can’t eat or drink anything 30 minutes after rinsing. I don’t know what happens if you do, but I’m not about to find out, especially after what happened when I operated heavy machinery after taking NyQuil. Perhaps the worst thing about this product is the fact there there isn’t any alcohol in it, like regular Listerine does, which disappoints me because it would be so cute to see little kids tipsy from Listerine.

Item: Listerine Mint Shield Smart Rinse
Price: $4.76
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Helps prevent cavities. Handy squeeze measuring top. Masturbation. Gloves.
Cons: No Listerine burn. No alcohol. Mint Shield flavor is lame. Can’t eat or drink anything 30 minutes after rinsing. For pussies. Operating heavy machinery after drinking NyQuil. Life is hard.

20 thoughts to “Listerine Mint Shield Smart Rinse”

  1. The mouthwash I use, Dr. Tichenor’s, is quite popular with the homeless crowd due to it’s high alcohol content. It’s sold in concentrated form and normally is diluted for home use, unless you’re looking for a cheap breath-freshening way to numb the pain.

  2. Chuck, I’ve seen Dr. Tichenor’s. An actor in a play I was in told me that it was the only thing that helped his throat before he went on stage. But I heard it tastes bad.

    Marvo, call me a punk, but I am all about burn-less Listerine. That shit is no joke.

  3. It seems as of late that the reviews here are getting a bit more vile and angry. I love this place!

  4. with all these new fancy inventions, we are breeding the future to be weaker and weaker! perfectly vulnerable for an alien takeover!!

  5. This stuff isn’t Listerine. It is also called ACT. It is a fluoride rinse. This might be the kid version, but ACT makes it for adults. It is supposed to be used after using the alcohol Listerine. You aren’t supposed to eat for 30 minutes because then you are consuming the fluoride, which is generally a bad idea as this stuff is more concentrated than the stuff in your tap water. Fluoride will help strengthen enamel, and therefor prevent cavities in the teeth that aren’t already ridden with them. Best for people (that’s why it is marketed at kids) that don’t already have many (if any) cavities.

  6. Wait! Were kids really tortured with listerine? I wasn’t exposed to that until I decided to get an unnecessary piercing in mouth.

    But yet, another fine product I’m sure to avoid.

  7. you didn’t tell me how this (most likely ineffective) mouthwash “shows proof of a cleaner mouth”.

  8. well godfuckingdammit, they make straws that actually puncture the capri sun pouches now? sonofabitch! no wonder kids these days are such spoiled nancyboys.

    and, listerine. oh how i have lost faith in thee. i made it 25 and a half years being cavity free, switched to the gloriously purple-hued cavity protection variety of listerine, and bickedy bam, cavity in one of my molars. THE PAIN. eff you, you dirty, dirty liars.

    the end.

  9. Brie – It doesn’t taste bad. Very similar to Cool Mint Listerine. I like it because it’s cheaper. They make toothpaste also but I haven’t tried it.

  10. I still torture my kids with authentic Listerine.. no nancy boys or girls are going to come out of my house. This stuff is way overpriced for a mouthwash/flouride rinse, and besides, unless you are letting your kids eat crap non-stop.. they don’t need the extra flouride. Oh wait, thats right, a lot of parents do let the kids eat crap all the time…DOWN with namby pamby parents!!!!

  11. So…this is the first time I leave a comment, and I feel I must because I just saw the new Cheetos brand “cheese flavored snack.” What is so special about it? The Jalapeno Cheddar flavor that felt like an orgasm in my mouth. But then again, I am of Latina descent; anything spicy is semi-sexual for me. So…do me a favor, will you? Can you review this item? I want to make sure it’s not just my sex-tangled taste buds that make the chips taste SOOOO good (yeah, baby), but that they are just…good.

    Kay. Bye.

    P.S. Really great job on the website. I am addicted. You too, Ace.

  12. I am a full-fledged nance, I can’t handle the burn! I too am going to hold out for chocolate minty Scope.

  13. Red Icculus – No! My mailbox!

    Chuck – Oh God. I should bathe in that stuff. It would make me tingle all over.

    Alisha – No, I think high-priced hookers have high-priced dentists.

    Karen – You could make that now if you want. Just go get some Hershey’s bars and melt them down.

    Brie – Instead of pepper spray, they should bottle Listerine.

    luckinflux – At least they are flowery or fluffy.

    Shannon – I also smell after I eat onions and garlic and then go out for a run.

    liz – No, I think the aliens will take over because stupid people keep reproducing (e.g. Britney Spears) and the smart people aren’t. The movie Idiocracy will come true.

    Muneer – But I miss the burn. 🙁

    Kylie – Oooh, unnecessary mouth piercing. That’s hott.

    dramastically – Nah, that’s too personal. I’ll show people my naked chest but I have to draw the line at showing people my naked mouth.

    betsy – That’s ironic. Maybe the purple stuff is grape soda.

    Bikerbabeee – My kids are going to eat nothing but raw foods…that they have to hunt and harvest themselves.

    laura – Remember: Masturbation is okay. I should write a song called that.

    Festivus – I think I might make Ace review them. I’m tired of orgasms in my mouth. I just want products to cuddle me.

    demondoll – I’m going to predict that within five years there will be a Chocolate Mint Scope or a chocolate mint toothpaste. Mark my words.

    Erika – Oh…there are medications that can stop the burning. 🙁

Comments are closed.