I think I’ve found the perfect “magic trick” for David Blaine, because it is neither magic nor a trick and it might kill him. I would like to see him consume every possible type of “energy” product at one time — drink an energy drink, swallow a Vivarin, suck on energy mints, wear energy lip balm, chew on energy gum, wash with energy body wash, apply caffeinated body lotion, eat energy candy, and suck on the Maxxed Energy Pop.
Oh, if only there were energy enemas and energy condoms.
Why would I want to do such a thing to a creepy illusionist? I want to do it for the children. A famous crackhead once said, “I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.” I want children to realize that caffeine, like the 40 milligrams of it in the Maxxed Energy Pop, is bad for them. Just like alcohol and anything after 11 p.m. on Cinemax, it’s meant for mature people.
I worry about the children, although I don’t really worry about their health. I worry about how hyper and annoying they could get with all those energy boosting products flowing through their bloodstream. Possibly so annoying that parents might spend evenings taking college science and engineering courses so that they can build a time machine to go back in time to get their tubes tied. Remember, children are our future. No children, no future.
Usually putting things into kids’ mouths will shut them up, but putting the radioactive green-colored Maxxed Energy Pop into a child’s mouth will do the opposite, if they can fit it into their mouth, since it’s roughly twice the size of a Tootsie Pop. After sucking on it a little bit, the smooth texture of the lollipop turned into coarse sandpaper, which was kind of off-putting. It was like the lollipop grew a five o’clock shadow in my mouth. Its flavor was sweet and little tart, which I enjoyed. What I didn’t enjoy was the packaging it came in. It maybe the treehugger in me talking, but it seemed kind of wasteful to have a lollipop come in a fake energy drink can made out of cardboard.
The two things I liked most about the Maxxed Energy Pop are the same two reasons why the erectile dysfunctional enjoy Viagra — they both are able to get us up and to sustain it for a good amount of time. I got a good energy kick from the caffeinated lollipop, which surprised me, since it only has 40 milligrams of caffeine. I think because it’s a lollipop, I’m able to slowly consume the caffeine and other energy elements, causing a sustained boost of energy. It took me about 30 minutes to suck down the entire Maxxed Energy Pop, which is a lot longer than it takes for me to consume an energy drink.
If I’m able to get a decent kick out of it, imagine what a little kid could do powered by a Maxxed Energy Pop. They could comb Barbie’s hair a little too rough, go a little too fast on their Heelys, and cause a Buddhist monk to break their decade long vow of silence by annoying the monk by singing the same Dora The Explorer song in a continuous loop. With those abilities, if I do see a kid sucking on a Maxxed Energy Pop, I will do what’s best and take it from them — and if they’re holding a balloon, I’ll pop that too. Oh, I’ll also tell them that Santa Claus isn’t real and they were an accident.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 pop – 90 calories, 0 grams of fat, 5 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 16 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 45% niacin, 30% vitamin B12, 120% vitamin B6, 15% pantothenic acid, 500 milligrams taurine, 50 milligrams of D-Glucuronolactone, 40 milligrams of caffeine, 6650 micrograms of guarana, 6650 micrograms of panax ginseng, 50 micrograms of inositol, and 0.9 ounces of green)
Item: Maxxed Energy Pop
Price: $1.15
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Sweet and tart flavor. Sustained energy boost because it’s a lollipop. Sweet, sweet caffeine. Long lasting pop. Cinemax after 11 p.m.
Cons: Coarse sandpaper texture. Overpriced for a sucker. Wasteful packaging. Children consuming caffeine. David Blaine. Listening to a kid sing the same song over and over and over and over and over and over and over.