PRIZE DRAWING: Because I Want Someone Else To Experience My Pain

Recently, I reviewed the Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste. Although I’m using it on a regular basis (every third day or so), it took some time to get used to its taste, which is a nice way of saying something like, “Wooo! You dropped a bomb in here. But the more I smell it, the more I’m getting used to it.” The Southeast Asian toothpaste was sent to me by TIB reader LaneO, who apparently enjoys reading about my pain. Fortunately, he sent me two extra tubes of the toothpaste, which means two “lucky” readers get to experience what I experienced.

Now. Now. Now. Don’t be flooding the comments all at once to enter this prize drawing and cause TIB to bork. I know all of you want to win toothpaste that looks like shit, but read the rules first, which are below.

To enter this prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with what you plan to do with your tube of Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste if you win or whatever else you’d like to say. Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winner for their mailing address. The Impulsive Buy will stop accepting entries on Thursday, September 18, 2008 11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to almost everyone, except people in Thailand, because they can probably walk a block and pick some up.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you emails about cheap iPod parts from a Southeastern Asian country. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about how you can save hundreds of dollars by switching to GEICO auto insurance. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or gagging caused by the toothpaste.

74 thoughts to “PRIZE DRAWING: Because I Want Someone Else To Experience My Pain”

  1. I want a tube! It will be great fun to leave some on the toilet lid at unsuspecting friend’s houses I visit! Plus, I will have minty fresh breath!

  2. I will bake them into brownies and call them mint brownies. It’s already brown and it’ll clean your teeth at the same time!

  3. I will post on my blog that I finally won something off of the internet. All two readers of my blog would be jealous of my shit colored toothpaste! That would be so great!

  4. I’m so tired of boring, old toothpaste. There hasn’t been much toothpaste innovation in my lifetime. Sure, the toothpaste companies have TRIED. The introduction of the gel, the hand-pump bottle, “whitening,” and even that repulsive toothpaste that tasted like food… the ones that Emeril advertised screaming “BAM!” at himself in the mirror while brushing his teeth with strawberry syrup and simultaneously trying not to wake up his sleeping wife because he’s having an affair with Paula Dean. [ (Herbal Mint!)]

    But surely we can do better than mint. It’s about time herbs joined the mix, but wouldn’t “herbal” toothpaste be green? What kind of herbs are brown? Is this made with herbs, or tree bark? I must know! I want to try this toothpaste; if not for the novelty, then to make up for the quasi-racist commercial advertising it…. balloons have feelings too.

    I’ll also use it to wash the image of Emeril Lagasse and Paula Deen having sex out of my head. Y’all.

  5. I think I’d put little blobs of it in the refrigerator at work. Or maybe I’d clean a co-workers phone with it.

  6. I will probably make a few mini piles of poo with it, and when I’ve gotten that out of my system, I’ll save it in my junk drawer for posterity, along with my fortune telling miracle fish and my iron man action figure. 🙂

  7. I will probably try it once, and in all likelihood ever use it again because it will gross me out. But one time would be worth it.

  8. I’d probably try to brush my teeth with it. At least once. Then I’d smear some of it on my neighbor’s car. Keep the tube around until I found someone else I hate as much as that jackass, but I probably never will, so it’ll sit around in bathroom until my nephew finds it and squeezes it out all over the (kind of dirty) (white) tiles. He’ll probably empty the whole tp roll onto the floor too. Then he’ll smear the whole mess all over himself. I will take pictures and wait until he’s old enough to blackmail.

  9. I almost feel like I’ve already lost to the person who said they’d brush a guinea pigs teeth with it.

    I’ll probably use it regularly and then write nebulous messages to people on the mirrors of the latrines (the fancy ones with sinks and flushable toilets) out here in the Kuwaiti desert.
    Then when I eventually get back to Michigan, I’d put a little pile on a bench downtown and then watch peoples reactions through video camera from across the street or in a window.

  10. a good idea would be to take it to a friend’s house who has a small pet and make a shit pile on the floor. then when they are alerted to the “present”, you scoop it up on your toothbrush and brush in front of him/ her, and then hopefully they’ll throw up.

  11. I would probably end up smearing a little bit on both sides of my mouth and going around school pretending like I don’t know it’s there. I wanna know how people react when it looks like I have literally been eating shit.

    Really, how do you tell someone that? “Dude, I’m sorry but..uh..I think you have..poop. On your mouth.

    I’m not judging you!”

  12. I’ll put hundreds of little globs of it under my neighbor’s tree to fool them into thinking that birds are pooping. That way they’ll think my bird-killing cat is a hero and hopefully they’ll stop glaring at me.

  13. This is a fantastic thing for me to “give” to my brother. Sometimes I drive by his place and put weird items in his mailbox. This toothpaste would fit right in with the oddities I confuse him and the mailman with.

    All the things i do to keep his life a little bit more mysterious…

  14. I would ooze droplets of it in and around my boyfriend’s toilet and then loudly ask what the hell happened.

  15. I will try it first so I can feel your pain.

    Then I will put some on cat’s ass for a two-fold reason:

    1. He already has dingle-berries there that grosses my wife out and this will add to the hilarity
    2. It might encourage him to lick there more often and thus get rid of dingle-berries and clean his teeth.

  16. I will have the kids squeeze it all out on the table and then tell them to shove it all back into the tube.

    But then again, I might just try it…Heck, if I can have Cinnamon Peelu on my toothbrush (which after a while, isn’t all that bad) or home made baking soda/myrrh/salt powder (I purchased it, then threw out after the first millisecond it was in my mouth) I think I can handle anything! LOL.

  17. I will, of course have to try it once if I do not throw up first.

    HOWEVER, my purposes for this toothpaste are three-fold.

    1. I just can’t find the right shade of grout to make repairs in my kitchen where the gout has chipped away so I was thinking I could mix this into the almond color grout to make the odd deep tan color I need. (note: I did not do this intentionally…I have better taste than that – I am living in a rental unit and have to deal with what is already here)

    2. I will take this tube to work – I work at the studios and on feature films – and will leave little “presents” in random places….maybe by the craft service table…..especially since some actors like to their dogs to set!

    3. I am taking a trip back home and will definitely want to prank my brother-in-law by putting a little bit on his toothbrush and telling him I wiped my ass with his toothbrush. Hell, I may even do that to my husband as payback for a past prank.

  18. I’d tell my girlfriend I ran out of regular toothpaste and make her use it. She’s been pissing me off lately.

  19. Ah easy I will go to a upscale Steak House, and order the most expensive steak they have. Once I get the steak I’ll squeeze some out, and call out “Waiter there appears to be a Turd on my steak”.

  20. I have to admit, since you gave away the Pepsi Blue Hawaii I’ve been really jealous of your prize winners. Although I don’t usually comment, I have been a faithful reader of your blog forever. If I won, I would have lots of fun with it. I would put it on my food when I’m eating out and get the meal for free, I would cover my hand in it and tell my company how awful my food poisening is (as their eating what I cooked and got sick from, of course) and the sorts. I’d basiclly be a nine-year-old, and one who is immature at that. Give me the gift of pure innocence!

  21. Once I put that stuff on my bathroom counter I’m sure I could keep my 5-year-old from eating my toothpaste ever again.
    That is a problem I could use this help with!

  22. I plan to squeeze it into a paper bag and deposit in on the front doorstep of my arch nemesis. Then, I will light it on fire and ring the doorbell. I will run and hide behind the nearest bush. When my arch nemesis answers the door and sees the fire, s/he will stomp it out and . . . . MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

  23. We’re told that a dog’s mouth is much cleaner than a human’s. So if their mouth is cleaner, then the whole digestive process must be cleaner, as well. Just consider how efficient dogs are that they don’t even need indoor plumbing!

    So if the entry point of a dog is cleaner than a human’s, then I think it is only reasonable to assume that there are processing going on that keep their mouths clean. (How often do you see dogs brushing their teeth?) So the exit point must be equally clean or even greater! Thus, the closer than we can get some kind of oral cleansing substance to the well-cleaned substance from dogs, the better.

    Enter Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste. They have taken the best bits of dog crap and incredibly squeezed it into a toothpaste tube. Combine that oral cleansing power with the mystical power of anything herbal, and my mouth won’t give a crap about what I put through it! … Oh wait.

  24. I’ll probably give it to my roommate first…if he likes it I’ll take it back and give it to my dog.

  25. I sent your link about the toothpaste to a co-irker who always comes up with the best Halloween costumes. I told him that he and a friend needed to get a tube of this toothpaste and go to a Halloween party as “2 girls 1 cup.”

    So, if I win, I will give the toothpaste to my co-irker.

  26. I have a 15 year old son……If I win, I’m gonna give him the tube and we’ll see what he can come up with.

    15 year olds think *way* differently than adults.

  27. I will brush my teeth with it after I have some pancakes made with organic batter blaster. It’s about the same color.
    I will offer it to my one night stands in the morning before they do the walk of shame. I will cherish it as a revenge tool.

  28. As long as this causes…. uh, indigestion… that can’t be fixed by weeks of Activia-eating, I’d use the paste as a “special ingredient” in my best frenemy’s “special” birthday dessert.

    If it doesn’t then I guess I’ll just make my boyfriend use it.

  29. I would take to work early one morning and make little poo piles on on everyones desk who is in dire need of a diet. About 75 percent of the people my office.

  30. Today was a shitty day. I worked my ass off, for no damn reason and for not enough money.

    I wish I was Rick James so I could be rich and could say “I’m rich bitch”, but I’m not. I’m middle class. I suppose I could try to find and then buy my own sorry ass tube of shitty looking and tasting toothpaste, but dammit, I just don’t feel like it. You might not feel like mailing me your shitty looking and tasting toothpaste so I know how you feel.

    I was totally going to fake the not-so-true FACT that i’m poor. I was going to go on some ramble about how I ate the shitty red tacos you reviewed because you didn’t rate them quite as shitty as they really were, but i didn’t. Yea, my teeth need paste: Tooth paste that is. Better yet, tooth paste that looks like shit. I’ve had lot’s of shit over the years but i’ve never had shit on a brush. Oh yea, there’s a new high I’m looking for. Shit on a brush. Got $10? I’ll sell you some!

    p.s. You hiring? I’m not rich yet. Will work for shitty tooth paste.


  31. One: I would experience your pain. Two: Tell you about my experience. Three: Fling it at my teen and his friend, who shoot my new bimmer with his bb gun. *Impish Grin*


  32. Well, I would have to make the obligatory, poo piles, of course, then I would make Japanese fetish films involving ingesting and smearing of the poo all over my.. oh well you get the picture. the leftovers would go into the original….. FAN shrine for Marvo. Sarah Ruth, I have lots of material for you.

  33. As a college student, there would be nothing more satisfying to me than laying some fake poo all over either a) my roommates desk, or b) somewhere in the bathroom on my floor. 😀

  34. soooo many ways to prank my bf!!! like mashing it into his underwear/pants while he’s sleeping, make a poo pile on his computer chair, put a poo pile on his chest! That tube will be gone in no time

  35. When I was a kid, I used to squeeze regular toothpaste out on wax paper and let it sit for a couple of weeks. Then I would enjoy a delicious stick of peppermint jerky. I would like to try herbal jerky, especially since I bet it dries to a perfect jerky color.

  36. In addition to promoting tolerance, disproving stereotypes, and freeing myself from plaque, I would most likely use the toothpaste in my upcoming film noir “Dirty Sanchez Goes to Thailand.”

  37. I’m going to brush with your terrifying herbal toothpaste. I’m going to brush with it every day. Mostly in the mornings. More importantly, though, when I’m done brushing with it, I’m going to put the toothpaste in my pocket, to travel with me.

    I don’t have a girlfriend right now. Yet, I know I will soon with this amazing, sanity-alteringly brown toothpaste. If I see some girl looking at me, I’ll just whip out the Twin Lotus and say, “Hey, I noticed you looking at me. Undoubtedly because I’ve been brushing with this. Twin Lotus herbal toothpaste. Its powers have drawn you to me like sparkle is drawn to enamel. When you brush with this. Which I do.”

    Now, at this point, the girl will have either run away or will say, “Wow, where did you get that?” At this point, I will have to say, “Well, I got it from the guy that writes The Impulsive Buy…” at which point I will be promptly abandoned for a superior catch.

    Dejected, I will return home, my heart empty but for the suffering and anguish that reside, sticky and tar-like, on the inside after the heart is stabbed right through. Looking in the mirror, I will see a man defeated, ruined, impotent. But, a man who has nice breath and a fine smile, thanks to this wonderful herbal toothpaste.

  38. I will use the toothpaste to write “” across my breasts for use on the internet to direct people to your site.

    I might also try brushing with it.

  39. I live on the 6th floor with a balcony overlooking the walkway to the entrance to my building. I would squeeze small amounts off the balcony and try to hit unexpected passerby’s with a minty turd from the heavens.

  40. and/or tricking my naive, foreign, grad school friends that it is a sexual lubricant of unmatched power and potency, specially formulated bring vigor to the yin/yang..

  41. i will cook with it then feed it to my boyfriend. exotic pastry? scrambled eggs? actually, give me an assignment…

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