Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito is Big Enough to Shut Anyone’s Piehole

Metaphorically, I always seem to put my foot in my mouth, but I’ve never been able to do it literally because I lack the flexibility of a Chinese acrobat and my feet smell like stinky cheese and ballsack sweat. However, thanks to the Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito I can now experience what it feels like to have something that is roughly the mass of someone’s foot and stick it in my mouth. I would’ve listed all of the ingredients, but I figured by the time you got half way through, you might have chest pains from just reading it. With 770 calories and 47 grams of fat, it’s a gluttonous way to start your morning. It’s available now at your nearest Carl’s Jr. for $2.69.

11 thoughts to “Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito is Big Enough to Shut Anyone’s Piehole”

  1. I don’t like burritos, and there’s no Carl’s Jr in Canada that I know of, so it doesn’t look like I’ll be trying this any time soon. In light of that, $2.69 USD is a good price for a burrito the size of a foot! 😉

  2. I tried one of these on friday, thinking back to its more diminutive cousin served by taco bell in the late ’90s.

    Alas, not enough similarity.

    While I can certainly appreciate any that feeds my tater-tot addiction, my basic problems came from the execution.

    First bite was mostly tortilla and the nuclear-hot egg. Can’t complain about it being to temperature too much, but f#$@, that was all I got. Tortilla and radioactive egg. Flavor was suspiciously absent. After a swig of orange juice and a couple tater-tots later (Combo meal, natch), a second bite was ready.

    No love. More egg mixture and tortilla. I could tell from the heft of it in my hand that more had to come. Another swig of OJ.

    Pushing thoughts out of my head that I’m seeing toxic vapors, steam is now pouring out of this thing. I keep telling myself to be thankful that it’s warm at all, but my scalded tongue wonders why I continue. First eruption of ‘country gravy’ when I apply a little pressure.

    I should mention that the advertising around the store only says “breakfast as big as our burgers”. I still have no clue as to what could be in this thing besides the visual hints in the picture.

    Next bite discovers the first hint of meat product. Could be ham, could be un(der)cooked bacon. Not sure. Suddenly the whole thing stops feeling bland and now approximating a salt lick. First bite with the gravy, and a bite of tater-tot strata.

    I don’t know you, you might have some strong opinions involving ‘country gravy’, you might not. You might think ‘sawmill gravy’ or ‘sausage gravy’, this was not it. This was some sort of salty, light grey paste. If you were expecting hints of meat, they were replaced by the occasional unidentifiable dark specks (course ground peppercorns boiled until they no longer had flavor, perhaps?) at best, jokes about salty uncolored fluids at worst.

    I made it a couple more bites before deciding that life had to have more meaning than this. You might think otherwise if you are concerned that you aren’t meeting your minimum sodium intake.

    All I know is that I had developed a sincere feeling of regret a few hours later from what I had consumed.

    I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the tater-tots or the orange juice that did me in.

  3. I think I’ll just suck on a foot and pretend it’s from Carl Jr.’s. It’ll save me a lot of calories and sodium and it kind of looks like it would taste the same.

  4. Huge amount of fat grams that one has, eeks! In Northern Mexico Carl’s Jrs is wildly popular however this big Burrito missed the cut in Mexico! I guess it was a risky adventure there! Good post!

  5. @NobleArc, The Lazy Canadian – What? I figure Carl’s Jr. would be perfect in Canada because they both start with the letter C.

    @transiit – I don’t really keep track of my sodium intake because if I did I would be scared.

    @armauld – Well it really depends on whose foot you’re sucking on because I think if you sucked on my foot your high blood pressure would get pretty high.

    @Chuck – but you probably have a Hardee’s nearby and that’s close enough.

    @Reprobate – I know you want to try it.

    @Dee – Who knows? You may get it someday in Mexico and you can brighten your mornings south of the border.

    @Jerry Lewis – We’re trying out news posts to go along with the reviews in this particular post was news. So no real life photo or 1-10 rating.

    @Neil – Just carry your own blood pressure cuff.

  6. It’s like they rolled up the stereotypical country breakfast you get at grandma’s and put it in a tortilla..which is something grandma would never serve. How confusing.

    Side note: white gravy (sausage gravy) is the most disgusting thing on this earth.

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