I’ll make love to you
Like you want me to
And I’ll hold you tight
Baby all through the night
I’ll make love to you
When you want me to
And I will not let go
‘Till you tell me to
I’ve never wanted to sing the chorus of the Boyz II Men song “I’ll Make Love To You” to a box of cereal before, until I tried the Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites, which is being marketed to kids. I would sing more than just the chorus if only I knew the rest of the song’s lyrics, because I keep getting the lines mixed up between this song, the other Boyz II Men hit, “On Bended Knee,” and Color Me Badd’s “I Wanna Sex You Up.”
Also, if I sang more I would be breaking a lot of windows with my voice. Not because it provides a high-pitch frequency to shatter glass, but because people will jump through windows to quickly get away from the sound that’s coming out of my mouth.
I won’t sing “I’ll Make Love To You” to just any box of cereal, despite what other cereal boxes, which I won’t name for fear of being snap, crackled or popped, might say about me. The Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites are so good that I just want to stick my face into a bowl of it and lap it up like a dog after playing fetch the ball with Payton Manning.
When I bite into them it feels like there are small pieces of chocolate in each cereal biscuit, which is possible since the ingredients include semisweet chocolate chips. And I’m not talking about fake-ass mockolate. I’m talking about the real shit with cocoa butter. By keeping it real, the cereal tastes like little slices of chocolate cake and that’s why I sing:
I’ll make love to you
Like you want me to
And I’ll hold you tight
Baby all through the night
I’ll make love to you
When you want me to
And I will not let go
‘Till you tell me to
Not only does this cereal taste good, it’s also good for me because it has six grams of dietary fiber per serving, which is about one-fourth of the daily recommended intake of fiber. It’s also made with 100% whole grains, although because the cereal makes me want to spend a lot of money to get into its box, I think it might actually be made out of whore grains instead.
Perhaps the only characteristic I didn’t like about the Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites was its name, which was confusing. Each piece of cereal was nearly half the size of regular Frosted Mini-Wheats, but its name didn’t articulate that because I tend to think that “little” is bigger than “mini.” If the iPod has taught me anything, besides not sticking my Belle & Sebastian collection on it so that people won’t think I’m a pussy, it’s that items from small to smallest should be named mini, nano, and shuffle.
I really hope Kellogg’s never decides to discontinue their Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites because it’s so good and so good for me that if they did halt production of it I would have to start singing the Boyz II Men song, “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday.”
(Nutrition Facts – About 52 biscuits – 200 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 270 milligrams of potassium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, 27 grams of other carbohydrates, 5 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)
Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites
Price: $6.29
Size: 14.5 ounces
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like little slices of chocolate cake. Six grams of fiber per serving. Made with 100% whole grain. Contains real semisweet chocolate. A bunch of vitamins and minerals. Tastes best when eaten without milk.
Cons: Name is confusing. Milk kind of weakens its taste. Being caught with Belle & Sebastian on my iPod. My singing.