I know how to get rid of Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus. All I need is Dolly Parton’s phone number, which I assume is also her bra cup size, a box of Kellogg’s Hannah Montana cereal and a time machine to take me back to the year 1992, which is the same year Miley was born and when Billy Ray Cyrus’ “Achy Breaky Heart” was released into the world.
And while I’m in the year 1992, I’m also going to tell my high school-aged self that wearing my baseball cap backwards, strutting around with a hand cupping my balls and trying to talk like a rapper makes me look stupid.
I don’t know why I dislike Miley Cyrus.
Maybe it’s because her real name is Destiny Hope and she got her nickname “Miley” because she was so smiley as a youngster. Maybe it’s because she was born on November 23, 1992, which is close to my birthday. Maybe it’s because she has a wax figure of herself that looks more realistic than she does at Madame Tussauds in New York City. Maybe it’s because she has an older half-brother, Christopher, an older brother, Trace, an older sister, Brandi, a younger brother, Braison, and a younger sister, Noah.
Or maybe I don’t like Miley Cyrus because my head is full of useless Miley Cyrus information.
When I go back to 1992, I’m going contact Dolly Parton and let her try the Hannah Montana cereal and hopefully she doesn’t like it. And I don’t think she should because it’s mediocre. The cereal comes in two colors, purple and pink, but I couldn’t taste a difference between the two. Overall, the cereal basically smells and tastes like Cap’n Crunch Crunch Berries, which have a strawberry flavor, although this cereal was not as sweet as Crunch Berries and also not as sickly sweet as the following lyrics from the Miley Cyrus song “7 Things.”
The 7 things I like about you
your old Levi’s.
When we kiss I’m hypnotized.
You made me laugh,
you made me cry,
but I guess that’s both I’ll have to buy
Your hands in mine when we’re intertwined
I wanna be with the one I know.
And the seventh thing I like the most that you do, ohhh.
You make me love you.
If Ms. Parton doesn’t like it, I’m going to tell her that the only way to prevent this mediocre cereal from being released is to stop Billy Ray Cyrus from recording “Achy Breaky Heart” which will prevent him from being famous and in turn prevent his daughter, Miley, from being famous. I’m also going to tell her that “Achy Breaky Heart” is going to be a set back for the integrity of country music and as the Queen of Country Music, it’s her duty to protect its honor.
Of course, I’m NOT going to tell Ms. Parton that she’ll have a recurring role in the Hannah Montana TV show because I think it would totally screw up my plans.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 110 calories, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 40 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 15 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)
Item: Kellogg’s Hannah Montana Cereal
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 9.5 ounces
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Smells and tastes like Crunch Berries. Stays crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. Dolly Parton and her boobs.
Cons: Not as sweet as I hoped. No difference in taste between the two colors of cereal. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Achy Breaky Heart. Wearing my baseball cap backwards, strutting around with a hand cupping my balls and trying to talk like a rapper when I was in high school. Knowing more about Miley Cyrus than the average 30 year old.