Month: September 2009

REVIEW: Jif Omega-3 Creamy Peanut Butter

Marvo 21 Comments

When I have a child, it’s good to know they will be surrounded by items that will give them the advantages and protections I didn’t have, like Baby Einstein or Baby Genius CDs, parental controlled iPods, helmets, the depreciation of spanking as a form of discipline and Jif Omega-3 Creamy Peanut Butter.

I want my child to excel, succeed and, perhaps someday, rule over your children with an iron fist. In order to make that happen, my child has to physically and mentally develop into a superior homo sapien and I believe the Omega-3 fatty acids in this new Jif Peanut Butter has the ability to make some of this happen.

Omega-3 has been shown to help with brain function, so if I give my future child/everyone’s future overlord the daily recommended amounts of Omega-3 DHA and EPA, which is 160 milligrams, he/she will have a healthy brain and hopefully become intelligent enough to rule to Earth. And along the way perpetuate the stereotype that Asians are good at math.

The Jif Omega-3 Creamy Peanut Butter gets its Omega-3 fatty acids from anchovy and sardine oils, both of which are thankfully odorless and tasteless, but still freaks me out they’re in the ingredients list, along with something called tilapia gelatin. Mmm…anchovies, sardines and tilapia, now that’s an ingredients list a baleen whale can love.

A two tablespoon serving contains 32 milligrams of DHA & EPA Omega-3 fatty acids, which is around 20 percent of the daily recommended intake for Omega-3s.

Despite the weird ingredients this product contains, it tastes like peanut butter. It smells very much like regular Jif, but I thought it wasn’t as creamy or as nutty as the normal stuff. When I ate it on a piece of bread, the flavor of the peanut butter wasn’t as strong as regular Jif. But now that I think about it, does it really matter how well it tastes? Because I’m trying to create a being that will be feared by all, not a peanut butter taste tester.

They say choosy moms choose Jif and I say overzealous dads who want to live vicariously through their child’s rise to world domination choose Jif Omega-3 Creamy Peanut Butter. Of course, my plan won’t work if my child ends up like many kids today and becomes allergic to peanuts.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 Tbsp – 190 calories, 16 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 8 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 8 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 4% iron and 20% niacin.)

Item: Jif Omega-3 Creamy Peanut Butter
Price: $3.99
Size: 18 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: A good source of Omega-3 fatty acids. Tastes like peanut butter, despite weird ingredients. High in polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. Easier way of getting Omega-3s than eating fish. Being the father of an overlord.
Cons: I thought it wasn’t as creamy or nutty as regular Jif. Packed with calories. Contains weird ingredients, like anchovy and sardine oils and tilapia gelatin. Peanut allergies.

REVIEW: Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s

Kayla 17 Comments

Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M's

The peanut butter and jelly sandwich has grown with me throughout the years. Sometimes it would pop up in my bright green lunch bag. During high school it would find its way in a brown lunch sack. I would like to think my palate has matured since then, but due to my lack of culinary expertise and being a broke-ass college student, I’m finding out that a good ol’ PB&J (cut in quarters) can qualify as a hearty meal.

I’m definitely a chunky peanut butter girl, and I prefer grape over strawberry jam, unless I’m in a bind and the only jam I have left comes from one of those tiny Smucker’s packets you get at a diner (I also take Splenda and swizzle sticks). So why would I even try the new Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s?

Look at Red M&M on the packaging. The come hither look on that horny bastard’s face tempting you with not only peanut butter, but with the sweet taste of strawberry as well. It’s like he’s saying, “Hey, don’t worry, Green M&M won’t be home. She works nights at that club off of Interstate 95. It’s just going to be me, you, this here strawberry and a smooth as silk jar of peanut butter.”

As awful as it sounds, I gave into the Red M&M and his Strawberried Peanut Butter candies. What can I say; I’m a sucker for cartoon product mascots. The M&M’s come in three autumn inspired colors and are roughly the same size as your standard Peanut Butter M&M’s. I was a little disappointed to find out that there wasn’t any strawberry jam inside each piece, instead the shell is supposed to be strawberry flavored, but I didn’t find the taste potent enough. But it could be my taste buds, because my mother thought they had a strong taste of strawberry. To me, peanut butter made strawberry their bitch and I think strawberry wanted that as long as it got top billing when it came to naming this circular confection.

After reviewing the so-called M&M’s Premiums, I realized there’s no difference in quality between the two. It just shows you how pretty packaging can make something more expensive even if it tastes or looks like crap. Kind of like the Kardashian sisters.

The Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s are a limited edition, but I don’t think I will stock up, because they’re mediocre at best. Maybe it’s because I have fond memories of the old school Peanut Butter M&M’s, or maybe it’s the grudge I’ve been holding with M&M’s after they yanked the Crispy and Mini ones off the shelves a few years ago. Those little Minis tubes were useful when it came to holding your crack, paperclips, pushpins or other small office supplies.

I would buy the Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s again if they came in that tube, but I guess I’d also have to deal with the Red M&M on the package making bedroom eyes at me.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bag – 230 calories, 14 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 19 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 2% calcium and 2% iron.)

Item: Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s
Price: 78 cents
Size: 1.40 ounces
Purchased at: That-Store-Which-Has-A-Creepy-Smiley-Face-Mascot
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Nice peanut butter flavor. Green M&M bringing home a decent income by working 3 days a week. Never needing to buy Splenda or swizzle sticks. Melts in your mouth quite nicely.
Cons: Strawberry flavor is only on the shell and it isn’t strong enough. Red M&M giving you bedroom eyes. The death of both Crispy and M&M’s Minis. Really high in saturated fat.

REVIEW: Golden Double Stuf Oreo

Marvo 21 Comments

Golden Double Stuf Oreo

For those of you who aren’t familiar with porn, when two guys are having intercourse with one woman at the same time, the genre (yes, there are genres) is called double penetration. But I don’t like that term, because it seems a bit too harsh and violent. I’d like to start a movement to get the genre name changed to the much friendlier “double stuf,” named after the regular Double Stuf Oreo and the new Golden Double Stuf Oreo.

Think of it as the equivalent of menstruation’s “Aunt Flo.”

With a more affectionate term, it would be a win-win for the porn industry and Nabisco. More people will buy or rent double stuf videos, like Double Backdoor Honeys, Duo Deckers and Two of a Behind, and hungry masturbators everywhere will crave Double Stuf cookies. Although, the use of the term “cream filling” in the double stuf video might not make the cookies too appetizing.

If double stuf becomes a part of the pornography vernacular, it won’t be long before Double Stuf the Magic Hungmen becomes a porn series.

While you dwell on my awesome cross-promotion skillz, let me tell you about the new Golden Double Stuf Oreos, which for some reason I thought already existed. After I opened the packaging using the easy pull tab, I swear I could smell the scent of marshmallows coming from it. By the way, someone should win a Nobel Peace Prize, or at least an AVN Award, for the easy-to-open resealable packaging.

I haven’t had Golden Oreos in a very long time, but I know in the past that I didn’t really care for them. However, I guess my taste buds have had a change of taste, or maybe it’s the high fructose corn syrup, because I really like its vanilla flavor. The lickable cream filling tastes the same as the stuff found in between the chocolate cookies of a regular Oreo and it enhances the flavor of the crunchy vanilla cookies.

While I really do enjoy the Golden Double Stuf Oreos, I still prefer the chocolate Oreos over them, which proves once again, “Once you go black, you’ll never go back” or “Once you go golden, you’ll keep your options open.”

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 10 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein and 2% iron.)

(NOTE: AVN stands for Adult Video News.)

Item: Golden Double Stuf Oreo
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 1 pound 1 ounce
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Great vanilla flavor. Cream filling enhances the vanilla flavor. More cream filling than regular Oreos. My awesome cross-promotion skillz. The easy-to-open resealable packaging. The term “double stuf” to replace “double penetration.”
Cons: Not as good as regular Oreo cookies. Not as good as regular Oreos to dip in milk. High fructose corn syrup. 150 calories for ONLY two cookies. Ruining childhood stories with porn versions of them. The term “double penetration.”

REVIEW: Limited Edition Chips Ahoy! Fudge Bites

Marvo 22 Comments

Limited Edition Chips Ahoy! Fudge Bites

Seriously, the Limited Edition Chips Ahoy! Fudge Bites was the best idea that came out of some brainstorming meeting at Nabisco to come up with new cookies. That must have been one short meeting because it looks like a product that took five seconds to come up with.

For a limited edition cookie, it’s really unimaginative, because it just looks like a Hershey’s Kiss fell on top of a small Chips Ahoy! cookie and melted. It also sort of looks like two frogs mating, but that might just be me. Heck, I thought the easy opening resealable packaging was more exciting than the cookie itself. I think a roomful of college-aged stoners with a bunch of cookies, candies and other snacks could’ve come up with at least ten good cookie ideas by the time the weed was gone, unless they got distracted by episodes of Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!

The cookie used for these Fudge Bites are significantly smaller than regular Chips Ahoy! and measure about 1.5 inches in diameter, but I guess if they were bigger, they couldn’t be called “bites.” The fudge is place smack dab in the middle of the cookie in an indentation. If you want to make a monster out of cookies, you would probably use these as its eyes. Or you can use them as its nipples.

I feel sorry for the chocolate chips in the cookie because they seem unnecessary thanks to the fudge, which overwhelms them. The fudge isn’t of a high quality, but it does give the crunchy cookie a really strong chocolate taste. With the fudge being as big as it is, it ensures there will be fudge in every bite. But then again they’re small enough that most of you could easily fit an entire cookie in your mouth without the need for opening your jaw like you’re deep throating a banana.

The Chips Ahoy! Fudge Bites are good, but they should be for an easily conceived concept that combines two things people love and doesn’t take much risk. They’re limited edition and I’m fine with that, because I don’t think I’ll miss them when they’re gone. Although it will be hard to find a replacement for my cookie monster’s eyes and nipples.

(Nutrition Facts – 4 cookies – 170 calories, 8 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 110 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and 6% iron.)

Item: Limited Edition Chips Ahoy! Fudge Bites
Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Size: 10.2 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good, but they should be! Fudge in every bite! Resealable packaging! Small enough to stick a whole cookie in my mouth! Making a monster out of cookies!
Cons: Not an imaginative idea! Chocolate chips were meaningless thanks to the fudge! Smaller than regular Chips Ahoy! Having to put an exclamation point after Chips Ahoy!