Month: January 2011

REVIEW: Hello Kitty Water

Marvo 4 Comments

Hello Kitty Water

Because I can’t read Japanese, I can’t read the label on this bottle of Hello Kitty Water. So I don’t know if this water came from a special spring located at the bottom of Mount Fuji or a Hello Kitty bidet, but it tastes like any other bottled water.

However, what’s really special about it, beside coming in a bottle shaped like Hello Kitty sitting on a gem, is it would cost you around four and a half US dollars if you purchased it in Japan.

The only bottled waters I can think of that could be equally or more expensive than this Hello Kitty Water are those purchased at a movie theater or on a golf course, those bottled at a particular spring in Fiji and those paid for with bloodshed in a post-apocalyptic world.

Yup, four fiddy for plain ol’ water packaged in a bottle that will appeal to 10-year-old girls, 32-year-old women who have adorned their automobiles with Hello Kitty steering wheel covers and car seat covers, and that one woman who drives a pink Pontiac Firebird with a gigantic Hello Kitty face on the car’s hood instead of the iconic firebird image. That woman will also be in a future episode of Hoarders several years from now because her clusterfuck of Hello Kitty memorabilia, consisting of items like Hello Kitty Kotex pads, used Hello Kitty contact lenses and empty bottles of Hello Kitty Water, is endangering her family.

I wish I could say there are gold cinnamon flakes shaped like Hello Kitty floating in it or it has a slight salty flavor like it’s supposed to taste like Hello Kitty sweat or Hello Kitty tears, but it doesn’t. Nor is it Hello Kitty spit, because, of course, it wouldn’t make any sense since Hello Kitty lacks a mouth to produce it. It just tastes like any filtered bottled water that I could purchase at a nearby convenience store for about a dollar or get for free if I pretend I completed a 5K by jumping into the line with all the finishers.

Since I’m not a Hello Kitty fanboy, the only really positive thing I can say about Hello Kitty Water is that, with every sip, it looks like I’m sucking the life out of Hello Kitty, which, if it were the real Hello Kitty, I would consider payback for sucking out my masculinity whenever I step into or walk by a Sanrio store.

Overall, I think with Hello Kitty Water, it’s not about how thirsty you are, it’s more about how much of a thirst you have for Hello Kitty products.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat…oh, who am I kidding? It’s frickin’ water.)

Item: Hello Kitty Water
Price: 367 yen (about $4.50 US)
Size: 265 ml
Purchased at: Somewhere in Japan
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Awesome for Hello Kitty superfans. Awesome to find for those searching for clean drinking water in a post-apocalyptic world. The bottle’s Hello Kitty shape. Getting free food if I look like I just ran in a 5K. Drinking it looks like I’m sucking the life out of Hello Kitty.
Cons: Expensive for a bottle of water. It’s just water. Probably hard to find outside of Japan. Buying bottled water at a movie theater or on a golf course. Having a house stuffed with Hello Kitty memorabilia and being featured on Hoarders because of it. Not Hello Kitty sweat or tears.

NEWS: New Mountain Dew White Out Slurpee Might Be Less Xtreme Than An Actual Mountain Dew White Out

Marvo

Like Miss America being require to participate in a number of public events where she is forced to put on a fake smile, it seems the winner of Mountain Dew’s DEWmocracy is required to be turned into a Slurpee. It happened with Mountain Dew Voltage when it won, and now it’s being done with the current DEWmocracy champion, Mountain Dew White Out.

I’m sure it has the same “smooth citrus” flavor as a regular Mountain Dew White Out, but is it as xtreme?

Well, according to the nutrition facts, it isn’t as xtreme because it contains zero milligrams of caffeine. However, according to the ingredients list, it is as xtreme because caffeine is listed in the middle of the list. I guess the only way to find out is to drink one while shooting enemies in the head playing Call of Duty and see if it feel comfortable.

An 8-ounce serving has 60 calories, 0 grams of fat, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 17 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 20 milligrams of sodium and, maybe, 0 milligrams of caffeine.

Source: Slurpee website

NEWS: Kellogg’s Creates Made Up Dessert Name For Their Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts

Marvo 3 Comments

Rainbow

Update: Click here to read our Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts review

If my protruding, slightly hanging gut is correct, I’ve eaten a lot of ice cream treats over the years, but I’ve never heard of a rainbow cookie sandwich, which Kellogg’s is attempting to recreate with their new Kellogg’s Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Ice Cream Shoppe Pop-Tarts.

Go and Google “rainbow cookie sandwich.” Or let me do it for you. You’ll see that Kellogg’s is trying to emulate the flavor of a dessert with a name that doesn’t seem to exist. Because if Google doesn’t know what it is, then it doesn’t exist.

Although, from the packaging, it looks like the rainbow chocolate chip crust, vanilla filling and chocolatey icing swirl on top is supposed to create a flavor that’s like an M&M’s Cookie Ice Cream Sandwich.

One Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tart contains 200 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and, like all Pop-Tarts, it’s fortified with a throng of vitamins and minerals.

Source: Kellogg’s website

THE YEAR IN REVIEWS: The Top 10 Most Popular Reviews on The Impulsive Buy in 2010

Marvo 7 Comments

In the blogosphere, the trend towards the end of the calendar year is to post Top 10 lists. I’ve read lists that cover the Top 10 Viral Videos, Top 10 Social Networks, Top 10 iPhone Apps, Top 10 Sexy Movie Moments, etc. So I decided to post a list of the Top 10 Most Popular Reviews on The Impulsive Buy in 2010, because I sometimes like to be a sheep. This list is not only based on traffic, but also the number of times it been shared on social networks. So here they are in a particular order:

10. McDonald’s Holiday Pie

I’m surprised this ended up on the list since it was posted in mid-December. But I guess a lot of people wondered what the hell a McDonald’s Holiday Pie was and were hypnotized by its radioactive yellow innards.

9. Macadamia Nuts with SPAM

I think most of the traffic for these came from Hawaii, California and Guam. Did you know Guam has the highest SPAM consumption per capita in the world? I certainly do because my Guam friends keep reminding me.

8. Taco Bell XXL Chalupa, Fire-Roasted Border Sauce and Verde Border Sauce

I didn’t review the XXL Chalupa, but I think this got a lot of traffic because people were wondering how XXL it was. Personally, I think it was more XL than XXL. If it were truly XXL, it would’ve been the size of an NFL regulation football.

7. Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee

Despite my penchant for snorting powders, I have yet to snort the Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee.

6. Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers

There are now three varieties of Hot Pockets SideShots and they all look like boobs (or a butt) when still frozen.

5. Nair for Men Hair Removal Spray

For some reason this video review was seen on YouTube several thousand times. Sadly, that doesn’t count as viral. Maybe if there was more nudity, there would’ve been more views. Dammit. I should’ve shown a nipple.

4. McDonald’s Real Fruit Smoothies

I still find it strange whenever I have to type “McDonald’s” and “fruit” within the same sentence.

3. Jones Bacon Soda

I still have the bottle I opened for the review and it’s still four-fifths full. I plan to stick it in a time capsule to make someone in the future gag.

2. Limited Edition Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts

I really hope they bring these back every year. I also hope someone figures out a way to use them in a real pumpkin pie recipe.

1. McDonald’s Frappe

This review was, by far, the most visited TIB review in 2010. And, yes, it’s the third McDonald’s product on this list, which makes it look like we’re getting paid by McDonald’s. But I assure you we’re not. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a warm bath of Big Mac Secret Sauce waiting for me.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Cheesy Fries and Chorizo Cheese Fries

Marvo 11 Comments

Jack in the Box Cheesy Fries

I don’t enjoy Jack in the Box’s fries, because I find them to be sticks of golden brown boredom. My palate thinks they’re not salty enough, not potato-ey enough and they somehow make me cry, like I’m watching Toy Story 3.

When I do end up at the box Jack built, I always order the curly fries instead. But sometimes they mess up my order and I end up with their regular fries. When this happens I get extremely angry, and, I swear, when it happens again I’m going to buy a gigantic white plastic sphere; cut a hole in it; draw a mouth and angry eyes on it; glue on a pointy nose; put it over my head; walk into the Jack in the Box that messed up my order; ask for the manager; then demand they switch my regular fries for curly fries; and, if they don’t, I’m going to threaten to fire all of them.

Because I dislike Jack in the Box’s regular french fries, I wondered if they would be tolerable in the forms of Jack’s new Cheesy Fries and Chorizo Cheese Fries.

Both fry varieties consist of a small serving of Jack’s regular fries, which are topped with either a cheese sauce or a cheese sauce with crumbled chorizo sausage. Personally, I wish Jack in the Box called them “potato nachos,” but according to Urban Dictionary, the term has already been used in a different, and surprisingly, non-sexual way.

The Jack in the Box Cheesy Fries look like what I imagine my arteries would look like if I were able to turn them inside out after eating the Jack in the Box Cheesy Fries, while the Chorizo Cheese Fries look like a Frankenfood made by a drunk guy at one in the morning that combines the seasoned ground beef and cheese sauce from Taco Bell with Jack in the Box’s crappy regular fries.

The cheese sauce that’s dumped on top of the Cheesy Fries tastes like cheddar, and it surprisingly makes Jack’s fries a little more than tolerable. Although, I wish they were drowning in cheese sauce or at least waterboarded a few times with cheese sauce, because I believe Jack’s fries need to experience a cheesy death or, if waterboarded, near death.

Jack in the Box Chorizo Cheese Fries

But if you’re planning to experience either of these new fries, I’d suggest coughing up the extra scratch to pick up the Chorizo Cheese Fries. The slightly spicy flavor of the chorizo sausage is what makes these fries stand out. It’s like eating chili cheese fries, except greasier, however, with the same level of guilt. Just like with the Cheesy Fries, I wish there was a bit more cheese sauce, since the cheese flavor was a bit lacking, although not an amount that drowns or waterboards.

Since the Jack in the Box Cheesy Fries and Chorizo Cheese Fries are extremely messy if eaten the same way one eats regular fries, Jack conveniently provides forks. If they don’t provide utensils, might I suggest buying a gigantic white plastic sphere; cutting a hole in it; drawing a mouth and angry eyes on it; glueing on a pointy nose; putting it over your head; then walk into the Jack in the Box that didn’t give you forks; ask for the manager; demand they give you forks; and, if they don’t, threaten to fire all of them.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Cheesy Fries – 504 calories, 262 calories from fat, 29 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 23 milligrams of cholesterol, 1145 milligrams of sodium, 511 milligrams of potassium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar and 11 grams of protein.)

Other Jack in the Box Cheesy Fries and Chorizo Cheese Fries reviews:
An Immovable Feast
Junk Food Betty

Item: Jack in the Box Cheesy Fries and Chorizo Cheese Fries
Price: $1.99 (Cheesy Fries)
Price: $2.69 (Chorizo Cheese Fries)
Size: ???
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Cheesy Fries)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Chorizo Cheese Fries)
Pros: Both make Jack’s fries more than tolerable. Both need more cheese sauce. Chorizo Cheese Fries are really good. Spiciness of the chorizo sausage. Pretending to be Jack Box. Toy Story 3.
Cons: Jack in the Box fries. Chorizo makes Chorizo Cheese Fries a little too greasy. Jack in the Box messing up my order. Jack in the Box forgetting to give you utensils. Constructing a Jack Box head.