Month: February 2013

REVIEW LIGHTNING ROUND (STORE BRAND EDITION) – 2/21/2013

Marvo 3 Comments

Here are some quick reviews of new-ish store brand products we’re too lazy to write full reviews for:

Market Pantry Chocolate Fudge-Filled Cereal Bars

Item: Market Pantry Chocolate Fudge-Filled Cereal Bars
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 8 bars
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: A nice snack. Smells like chocolate cake. Strong chocolatey flavor thanks to the gooey fudge filling. Inexpensive when compared with Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Bars. Healthier than a chocolate candy bar. Contains vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Gritty cereal bar texture. Wrappers make bars appear longer than they really are. Makes me sad Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain didn’t come out with a chocolate cereal bar.

Archer Farms Sweet Potato Tortilla Chip Rounds

Item: Archer Farms Sweet Potato Tortilla Chip Rounds
Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: 14 oz. bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy. Not completely bland. Resealable bag. All-natural. Real sweet potato chips. Round shape makes them good to flick without worrying about poking someone’s eye.
Cons: Weak sweet potato flavor. Taste pretty much like regular tortilla chips. Not as good as these, which have a stronger sweet potato flavor. Not sure what kind of dip to use with them.

Good & Delish Mini S'mores

Item: Good & Delish Mini S’mores
Purchased Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Size: 5.75 ounces
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: A nice sweet treat. Decent milk chocolate. Graham cracker is still crunchy. Resealable bag. Easy to juggle.
Cons: Inconsistent marshmallow flavor; some had stronger flavor than others. Not a whole lot in the bag. Not good to stick over fire.

Market Pantry Egg, Cheese, Sausage Breakfast Wrap

Item: Market Pantry Egg, Cheese, Sausage Breakfast Wrap
Purchased Price: $3.79
Size: 2 wraps
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent size. Decent flavor. Despite the use of tiny sausage bits, wrap had good sausage flavor. I could taste the cheese! Good source of protein.
Cons: Somewhat pain the in ass instructions (defrost 30% for 2 minutes, flip, microwave on high for 45 sec.-1:30 minutes). Too firm eggs. Small bits of sausage in the omelet. Edges were dried out. Made with partially hydrogenated oils.

REVIEW: Crystal Light Liquid Strawberry Lemonade

Margaret 12 Comments

Crystal Light Liquid Strawberry Lemonade

I imagine Shakespeare was a connoisseur of lemonade.

Why, if he were around right now, he’d probably say something like, “Oh, ye citrus beverage of my youth, why do I crave for thee in the bitter of winter?” Then, he’d probably sit down and write a sonnet, maybe pull out some iambic pentameter. I dunno, but I do know that, if his love for lemonade were true, he, like me, would’ve been tickled to see that one of Crystal Light’s newest ventures came in the form of strawberry lemonade.

Gotta give it to Crystal Light: they’re game for innovation. Every time I pass the powdered drink aisle, there’s a new flavor: Mango Passionfruit, Cherry Pomegranate, Snozzberry (oh, wait, I don’t think that last one’s been done yet. Can they get on that?).

While the notion of portable, squeezy liquid concentrates isn’t the newest thing on the block, Crystal Light’s always experimenting with uncharted territory flavors that don’t threaten to decay my bicuspids or sag my rump. I don’t know if all this flavor experimentation is admirable, but it is risky, and I respect a company willing to haggle with the Devils of Downfall.

The design of these little buggers is fetching in that short-and-curved kinda way. At the same time, it somewhat reminds me of a mini robot alien sent to Earth to bring the galactic armada tumbling upon us.

Crystal Light Liquid Strawberry Lemonade Flip Top

“Take me to your leader.”

Upon flipping open the cap, the smell is magical enough, with hints of lemon drops, artificial strawberry, and maybe something fruit punchy.

The recommended serving is “1 squeeze” for 8 ounces, so I shook the contents to make sure the flavors were distributed, gave it a solid squeeze, and watched as the color poofed out with a sort of pink lava-lamp glow, a color that disperses itself upon stirring around.

Crystal Light Liquid Strawberry Lemonade Stirred Up

Yes, it’s a little murky, but the pink adds something magical. I imagine this is what unicorn swamp water would look like.

The romp in interactive drink preparation was nothing but joy.

The tasting, however, was the opposite of joy.

It started as a hit of salty water, then went into some sort of faint cotton candy bubblegum. I added more squeezes into the water, thinking that maybe I just got a bad blend on my first squeeze, but it only concentrated the saltiness, resulting in something that tasted like a melted sea-salt-and-cotton-candy popsicle.

Oh, I was so sad. I really wanted to like this. I really did. I tried it multiple times with varying degrees of concentrate: one squeeze, measured squeezes, at breakfast, at dinner, while doing handstands in my kitchen (a fun and difficult challenge, but still not very tasty). I even offered it to a friend who needed to take off a few pounds.

Crystal Light Liquid Strawberry Lemonade and the Sultan

He said it was dastardly, which I thought a bit hyperbolic of him.

Maybe I just got a bad bottle. Maybe there was a mix up at the factory. Maybe a Crystal Light employee was seeking vengeance for an under-salted lemonade s/he had in his/her youth. I dunno. I appreciate that I didn’t waste any calories on this experience and I know Crystal Light can make some pretty decent lemonades, but this just isn’t one of them. Nonetheless, I hold hope for the future. Crystal Light is willing to take risks. Even when they fail, they shall try, try again.

Maybe next time.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 teaspoon – 0 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 30 milligrams of sodium, 15 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugars, and less than one gram of protein.)

Other Crystal Light Liquid reviews:
Drink What

Item: Crystal Light Liquid Strawberry Lemonade
Purchased Price: $3.29
Size: 1.62 fl. oz.
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Smells magical. Sugar free. Interactive preparation. Cool bottle. Cap snaps securely shut. Doing handstands in the kitchen. Shakespearean sonnets.
Cons: Tastes of watery, over-salted Jolly Rancher. Lingering cheap cotton candy taste. Unicorn swamp water. Galactic armadas that take over the planet.

REVIEW: Cracker Jack’D Power Bites (Cocoa Java and Vanilla Mocha)

Jeff 11 Comments

Cracker Jack'D Power Bites

Cracker Jack.

The name itself conjures up thoughts of small town nostalgia, fireworks, Dixieland jazz, and old grainy footage of smiling baseball greats with voiceovers saying nonsense stuff like, “Get your lemonade here!” or “He put some mustard on that fastball.” Cracker Jack is so innocent and simple in design. It’s just caramel corn, peanuts, the “aw-shucks” Sailor Boy mascot and his dog Bingo. Is there anything more inviting than caramel drenched popcorn?

Yes, thick slabs of bacon and foamy root beer are more inviting, but you know what I’m getting at.

However, it looks like Cracker Jack traded all of its innocence and simplicity for its post-modern apocalyptic Cracker Jack’D Power Bites line, switching out caramel corn for large pellets that I can only describe as cat droppings. One thing I should tell you…these Power Bites are not like the other Cracker Jack’D lines which are amped up party snack mixes. I’ve eaten those and you can do worse, like with these Power Bites.

Oh, and the Cracker Jack toy surprise?

Not to fret because the Cracker Jack’D Power Bites do have a “toy surprise” that comes in the form of caffeine (Yay chemicals!). The package touts one two-ounce bag has the caffeine equivalent of one cup of coffee. I believe it should be more specific and say, “This bag of cat poopies have the same amount of caffeine as one cup of that cheap ass coffee your tree-hugging jerk brother buys that sits in the cupboard for years because he only drinks green tea and says stupid things like ‘Namaste’.”

Namaste indeed.

These Power Bites are made with real coffee and come in two flavors: Cocoa Java and Vanilla Mocha. Frito Lay promises these are “snacks with impact” and it makes sense somebody thought of these considering how successful the energy drink market is.

Cracker Jack’D Power Bites Cocoa Java

Cracker Jack'D Cocoa Java

The chocolate coating on these have a cheap waxy texture, but it opens its way to a pleasant flaky wafer cookie with a nice roasted coffee taste. The roast is complex and deep with a hint of saltiness. The cookie is slightly sweet to almost savory, almost… I like the bitter finish the cookie presents, but it may be a bit too bitter for most. However, if you like espressos, whiskey, and other harsher flavors of the world (like unrequited love) this will be a good surprise.

The snack did not give me a buzz, but a conscience…as in health conscience. With a package containing 290 calories and 14 grams of fat, it makes me wonder why I didn’t just get one of those disgustingly sweet fatty Starbucks mochalochachocolatabarataventiburgs?

Cracker Jack’D Power Bites Vanilla Mocha

Cracker Jack'D Vanilla Mocha

For every Sylvester Stallone there’s a Frank Stallone. Meet the Frank Stallone of the two Power Bites. While the Cocoa Java did not yield a total success for me, these are way worse. The same cheap waxy chocolate coating, but the complex roast is muted by this overly sweet, almost chai-like flavor. The cookie also has a mealy finish and any “mocha” flavor is flushed away into taste bud hell. There’s no way to say it but these are just fucking miserable. I wanted to microwave them into a mush and napalm the Sailor Kid with it.

Overall, the Cracker Jack’D Power Bites are purely a novelty to make your friends go “What’s that?” I think you’re better off drinking an actual cup of coffee. Even if that coffee has been sitting in a cupboard for years next to your jerk brother’s lavender sea salt.

Namaste.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 package – Cocoa Java – 290 calories, 14 grams of fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 180 mg of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 21 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein. Vanilla Mocha – 290 calories, 15 grams of fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 120 mg of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 20 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein)

Other Cracker Jack’D reviews:
Allison Meets World
Junk Food Guy (not Power Bites)

Item: Cracker Jack’D Power Bites (Cocoa Java and Vanilla Mocha)
Purchased Price: $1.99 each
Size: 2 oz. bag
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Cocoa Java)
Rating: 3 out of 10 (Vanilla Mocha)
Pros: Cocoa Java’s complex roasted bitterness. Texture is good. Cracker Jack toy surprises, even if they are cheap paper things now. The slight salty edge Cocoa Java has. Old timey voiceovers.
Cons: Everything about Vanilla Mocha. The poop shape of these nuggets is gross. The fat, the calories, the cheap waxy chocolate coating. Lavender sea salt. Produced no caffeine buzz. People who say “Namaste.”

SPOTTED ON SHELVES – 2/20/2013

Marvo 8 Comments

Here are some interesting new and limited edition products found on store shelves by us and your fellow readers.

M&M White Chocolate Carrot Cake

Instead of bringing carrot cake to an office party and explaining to co-workers that they won’t be able to taste the carrots, you can bring these White Chocolate Carrot Cake M&M’s and explain to co-workers they won’t be able to taste the carrots. (Spotted by Troy at Walmart.)

Post Sesame Street C is for Cereal

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, I look forward to trying the future 25 Post Sesame Street C is for Cereal flavors. C could be cantaloupe. D could be…um. Dammit! Where’s Sue Grafton when I need her? (Spotted by Michael at Walmart.)

Farmer's Garden by Vlasic

When I look at these pickles, it takes me back to a time when things were simpler and I enjoyed tuna and pickle sandwiches. (Spotted by Marvo at Safeway.)

Emerald Breakfast on the go Fun Packs

If I ever buy these Emerald Breakfast on the Go! Peanut Butter Chocolate Banana Fun Packs, I’m not going to eat them for breakfast. I’m going to eat them as a mid-afternoon snack because NO PACKAGING is going to tell me when I’m going to eat it. (Spotted by Adam at Weis Markets.)

Pillsbury Limited Edition Red Velvet Cookies

These Limited Edition Red Velvet Cookies don’t make me want to poke the Pillsbury Doughboy in the belly to make him giggle. Instead, they make me want to squeeze him with my arms like I’m kneading him with hugs. (Spotted by Ryan at Walmart.)

Thank you to all the photo contributors! If you’re out shopping and see an interesting new or limited edition product on the shelf (or really unusual), snap a picture of it, and send us an email ([email protected]) with where you found it and “Spotted” in the subject line. If you do so, you might see your picture in our next Spotted on Shelves post.

REVIEW: Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist Cheesy Garlic Bread Potato Chips

Marvo 18 Comments

Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist Cheesy Garlic Bread Potato Chips

Of the three Lay’s Do Us a Flavor finalists, Chicken & Waffles sounds weird, Sriracha sounds exotic, and Cheesy Garlic Bread sounds…boring?

Well, compared to the other two, they’re definitely as boring as your sister’s diary with empty pages. But “boring” isn’t really the word I’m looking for.

Oh, I know. Perhaps the best word to describe this cheesy and garlicky chip is “safe.”

It’s the flavor that sounds as if it’s the least likeliest to make your taste buds go, “WTF!” It’s also a flavor you wouldn’t be embarrassed to take home and introduce your mother to. So if your taste buds aren’t adventurous, then Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist Cheesy Garlic Bread Potato Chips are for you.

Karen Weber-Mendham from Land O’ Lakes, Wisconsin suggested Lay’s make cheesy garlic bread-flavored potato chips, and they did. I guess if someone were to suggest a cheesy chip, it would be someone from Wisconsin.

On the back of the Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist Cheesy Garlic Bread Potato Chips bag, it has a quote from Karen about what inspired her to suggest this flavor.

“You’re at your favorite Italian restaurant, you’re starving & WAITING FOREVER. Finally, the breadsticks come and they save your life!”

Karen. Karen. Karen. Karen. Karen. Karen. Karen. Karen. Karen. Kaaareeen. WAITING FOREVER? There’s a simple solution to ensure you never have to wait forever.

When the waiter/waitress passes by, raise your hand to get their attention, ask them for bread, then tell him or her if they bring it over within the next two minutes there’s an extra 10 dollars in their future, and then start counting out loud. Or if you want to take the low road, you could type out a negative review on your smartphone using the Yelp app, ask for the manager, and when the manager shows up, threaten to post your negative Yelp review if you don’t get some damn bread in front of you.

Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist Cheesy Garlic Bread Potato Chips Closeup

As I mentioned at the beginning of this review, the best word to describe the Lay’s Cheesy Garlic Bread Potato Chips is “safe.” Another reason why I consider them to be “safe” is because they have enough garlic flavor that I think eating them will keep me safe from vampires. There was also a strong garlic aroma that wafted out of the bag after I opened it, so if I was a vampire, I would’ve covered my face with my cape and run away yelling, “Bleh! Bleh!”

Oh, but it’s not only the garlic that attacked my taste buds, it’s also the dairy. The number of cheeses found on this chip would impress a Hickory Farms. It’s got cheddar, parmesan, swiss, monterey jack, and gouda. The chips are also flavored with cream and butter.

Because these chips are heavy on the garlic and cheese, I adore them. But it’s not only the garlic and cheese that make these chips taste so wonderful, it’s also the buttery and slight herby flavors. And by bringing together all these different seasonings, I think the crazy food scientists over at Lay’s have created a complex flavor that tastes very much like cheesy garlic bread and made me wish I had some pasta to eat it with.

(Editor’s Note: We reviewed the other two Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalists. Click here for the Chicken & Waffles flavor and click here for the Sriracha flavor.)

(Nutrition Facts – 1 oz./about 17 chips – 160 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 330 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist Cheesy Garlic Bread Potato Chips
Purchased Price: $4.29 (on sale)
Size: 9.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Wonderful garlicky and cheesy flavor. Tastes like cheesy garlic bread. May keep you safe from vampires. The power of Yelp.
Cons: Boring flavor compared to other Do Us a Flavor finalists, Sriracha and Chicken & Waffles. Vampires will not enjoy it. Not getting bread at your table in a timely manner. The power of Yelp.