I haven’t been into all these Hot Ones food products because, well, I’m scared.

I watch these Hot Ones clips on YouTube, and I see celebrities sweating and crying, and I wonder, do I want to subject myself to that because I don’t have a movie or TV show to promote? But a wise person once said, “Pain is a fleeting feeling. Oh, hey, that rhymes.”

So here I am with the Popeyes x Hot Ones Smokin’ Rojo Chicken Sandwich, featuring a crispy chicken fillet with a Los Calientes Rojo spread and pickles on a toasted brioche bun. Of the three menu items advertised, the sandwich falls within the middle range of spiciness. However, spiciness can be perceived differently by each person, so what Popeyes and Hot Ones consider spicy might be popping eyes out caliente to me. Fortunately, it was not that intense.

Before I get into how hot this sandwich was, I must say that the Los Calientes Rojo spread was indeed tasty. It’s smoky, tangy, and peppery with a hint of sweetness. That flavor pairs well with the Cajun spices in the chicken and tangy pickles. But while taking my first bite, all that flavor kind of took a back seat to the sauce’s spiciness. Actually, the bun, chicken, and pickles help soften the blow from the spicy sauce because when I tried the orange sauce on its own, it was noticeably spicier.

After taking a couple more bites, the heat was not relenting. It was also at this time that I could feel my head’s bodily fluids wanting to excrete from where they excrete from. My nose started running, and my scalp began sweating. While I was enjoying the sandwich’s flavor, it was at this point that I really felt the need for something to help combat the heat.

BONUS REVIEW!

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Monster Cookie Shake

A wise person once said, “With milk from mammals that go moo, spiciness can be soothed. Oh, hey, that rhymes.”

The limited time only shake features Chips Ahoy-flavored syrup and Oreo cookie crumbs blended with ice cream, finished with whipped topping and more Oreo cookie crumbs. My order didn’t appear to have Oreo cookies blended into it, but I didn’t really care at the moment because I needed to give my mouth some cooling relief. However, to make up for that, I pushed down whatever crumbs sprinkled on the whipped topping.

The Chips Ahoy-flavored syrup doesn’t remind me of the Nabisco-branded chocolate chip cookie, but it has an artificial brown sugar cookie dough taste that’s not bad. Whatever Oreo bits my straw sucked up, they added chocolatey hits to my tongue. It’s a fine-tasting shake, that’s a nice change of pace from a Jack’s Oreo shake, but it doesn’t shake up the shake world.

One last thing. I hate to nitpick about the shake that helped me weather the spicy storm known as the Popeyes x Hot Ones Smokin’ Rojo Chicken Sandwich, but if it’s a “Monster Cookie” shake, shouldn’t it have M&M’s? That is one of the definitive ingredients in a Monster Cookie recipe. Maybe the chocolate Oreo crumbs are the stand-in for the chocolate candy?

Thanks, Jack in the Box Monster Cookie Shake, for putting out the fire in my mouth.

Purchased Price: $7.99 (Sandwich), $6.29 (Shake)
Size: Regular (Shake)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Sandwich), 6 out of 10 (Shake)
Nutrition Facts: (Sandwich) 620 calories, 33 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat (that can’t be right, but that’s what the website says), 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 1450 milligrams of sodium, 53 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, and 29 grams of protein. (Shake) 800 calories. No other nutrition information is available on the Jack in the Box website.