Author: Marvo

Del Monte Polar Raspberry Fruit Chillers

Marvo 27 Comments

I might’ve given the Del Monte Polar Raspberry Fruit Chillers a five rating if it weren’t for the frickin’ raspberries.

I don’t like raspberries, because I don’t like fruits that have silent letters in their names and makes fun of my lisp at the same time. But don’t call me a fruit-ist, because I enjoy almost all other fruits. Although I also really hate those damn Ugli fruits, because I’m not going to be what I eat.

Sure, cantaloupe sounds funny when you say it five times in a row really fast, but I’ll still eat it. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Honeydew melons don’t have honey or bees in them, but I’ll still cut one open and eat out its greenish goodness. Bananas are phallic, but I enjoy sticking a long one in my mouth.

Raspberries are also big fat liars, because according to Wikipedia, they aren’t even berries. How can I trust a fruit to give me delicious goodness when it’s totally not being honest to me? Why can’t the raspberry be more truthful like an orange?

An orange doesn’t lie, because an orange is orange. The only way an orange wouldn’t be an orange was if an orange wasn’t orange. So an orange would be lying if an orange wasn’t orange, but called itself an orange.

Despite my disdain for raspberries, I actually did like the Del Monte Raspberry Fruit Chillers, which calls itself a frozen fruit sorbet. However, just like raspberries, every Del Monte Raspberry Fruit Chillers is a liar because it calls itself “frozen,” but if you buy one at the store it won’t be frozen or even near the frozen food aisle. It’s found with the canned fruits, which kind of makes sense since it’s made from 3/4 servings of real fruit. In order to get them frozen, they have to be stuck in a freezer overnight or spend a few days in the bosom of a cold-hearted bitch.

Each package comes with four 4.5-ounce cups and each one of those has 100% of your daily Vitamin C and zero fat. Its sweet and slightly tart taste is very good and it makes a nice snack to have on a hot summer day or a masochistic snack on a cold, snowy, and blustery evening outside with nothing but a g-string and a pair of Birkenstock sandals on.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Matt at Colburn Communication for sending me a free pack of Fruit Chillers, although I really wanted the strawberry or mango one. Also, Lord Jezo at 78west liked them as well, but he tried the strawberry one. Lucky bastard.)

Item: Del Monte Polar Raspberry Fruit Chillers
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from Matt at Colburn Communication
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Despite it being made out of those damn lying raspberries, it was good. Fat free. 100% of daily Vitamin C. Made with 3/4 servings of real fruit. Four individual cups. Contains no artificial flavors. Does not contain high fructose corn syrup. Gluten-free (That’s for you, Mir). Saying cantaloupe five times really fast.
Cons: Raspberries are frickin’ liars and make fun of my lisp. Silent letters. Have to freeze overnight before eating. Being outside in nothing but a g-string and a pair of Birkenstock sandals. Ugli fruits.

No Review Today. Instead You Must Settle For My Match.com Profile

Marvo 32 Comments

Sorry, no review today due to the time spent doing my taxes. Instead, I decided to post what I wrote for my Match.com profile and embarrass myself by showing my tender, Lifetime Channel side. Since a bunch of you voted on which online dating service I should try for a future review, I figured I’d show you guys what I’ve been up to. Enjoy.

I have an English degree with an emphasis in creative writing, so there is pressure on me to write a good profile. If I don’t write a good profile, I’m afraid my former English professors will come after me and take away my English degree, which took me three years of goofing off and two years of hard C to B- work to earn.

As you might be able to tell from the previous paragraph, I’m kind of a goofball. Not in the sense that I’m not serious about things, but I just like to have fun and I like to make people laugh. My sense of humor is my best attribute, because I have nothing else to offer besides that.

Only kidding, there’s actually a little bit more.

Another one of my personality traits is the willingness to try new things, whether it be restaurants, things off of store shelves, or experiences. As a matter of fact, earlier this year I went snowboarding for the very first time and I’m glad I did because it was whole lot of fun, despite the fact that I slightly pulled my groin, and now I hope to take a snowboarding trip every year.

However, perhaps the attribute that women will find most appealing about me is my ability to stay patient whenever I go shopping with a woman. I thank my twin sister for teaching me this ability and over the years I have come up with techniques to make shopping with women as fun as possible. My main technique is to find the most hideous item of clothing I can find — usually in the clearance racks and has multi-colored sequins — and convince the woman I’m with to try it on.

Now if you happened to have laughed at anything I wrote in the previous paragraphs, you definitely have the number one thing I look for in a woman — a sense of humor. Having a sense of humor — the ability to laugh and/or make others laugh — is unbelievably sexy to me, because as I wrote earlier, I love to have fun and to make people laugh.

Another characteristic that I find appealing is intelligence. Not in the sense of remembering complicated chemistry formulas or the ability to do a triple-bypass surgery, but having the desire to experience things, having opinions about topics, and just being someone I can have a good conversation with.

Now I could fill all 4,000 characters for this profile if I really wanted to, but I figure the more characters I leave out, the more I can tell you if we meet.

REVIEW: Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint

Marvo 25 Comments

I need a Monica Lewinsky.

I’m not talking about the alcoholic beverage called Monica Lewinsky, which includes blue curacao liquor (representing her infamous blue dress), coconut rum (representing the infamous stain on her blue dress), vodka, stirred with a cigar, and garnished with a mini black thong.

Nor am I talking about the ham-filled Monica Lewinsky sandwich, the head-bobbing Monica Lewinsky dance, or the Monica Lewinsky tooth brushing technique.

What I’m trying to say is that I need an intern here at The Impulsive Buy.

Preferably a woman, even an ugly one, like that Sanjaya chick on American Idol.

Oh wait, I’ve just been told that Sanjaya is a dude. Are we sure about that?

Anyway, TIB needs an intern because I don’t really have a way to find out whether the Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint toothpaste actually makes me kissable or makes my kisses taste delicious. I know lots of beer with Barry White music playing in the background makes me kissable and so does a paper bag over my head with a picture of Luke Wilson’s face taped to it.

Having a female intern would give me someone I could make out with — for review purposes only — and she would be able to give me instant feedback on how effective the Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint toothpaste is. Sure I could turn to anyone of my usual make out partners; my pillows, my bathroom mirror, or the Winona Ryder wallpaper on computer monitor, but none of them would give me feedback.

Well actually the computer monitor does make my lips warm, my pillows might give me pimples around my mouth, and my bathroom mirror might give me herpes, but those are not the types of feedback I’m looking for.

As you can see from the picture, the Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint toothpaste is packed with mini breath strips. Just like the gold flakes in >Goldschlager, the breath strips seem to be there only for decoration because they don’t make the toothpaste any more minty than others.

However, its minty berry flavor is good and its minty sweet taste reminds me of a kid’s toothpaste, which makes brushing a little enjoyable instead of the repetitive necessary chore that it is. So I guess with its good minty berry flavor, it could possibly make me kissable…or tolerable.

If I had an intern right now to make out with, they would probably agree with me. Heck, I’m at the point that I would even consider a dude as an intern. Hey, it’s not gay if it’s done for review purposes, I imagine I’m making out with Eva Longoria, and most importantly, I don’t get an erection.

Item: Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint
Price: $3.29
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Minty berry flavor is good. Kind of reminds me of a kid’s toothpaste. Female interns. Possibly makes me kissable or tolerable. Lots of beer definitely makes me kissable.
Cons: Mini breath strips are useless. Having sexual relations with female interns. Sanjaya is still on American Idol. TIB’s lack of an intern. My current make out partners: my pillow, my bathroom mirror, and my monitor wallpaper of Winona Ryder.

Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream

Marvo 37 Comments

I once had a crush in the eighth grade on a girl named Carol.

She was Hispanic, cute, smart, goofy, and dimples appeared on her cheeks when she smiled. I think it was Carol’s dimples that attracted me. She always seemed to have a smile on her face and because of that her dimples would always show. Her dad was a chef or something and perhaps because of that she kicked ass in our home economics class.

I remember her wearing a black and white checkerboard skirt every so often. I don’t know why I liked looking at it, but it seemed something cool that no one else wore. I like to think that perhaps Carol liked me too, until she started hanging out with Randy, that shaggy-haired bastard. For the first time in my life I felt jealousy. I considered Randy a friend, but after I saw him holding Carol’s hand around school, my friendship with him ceased to exist. No longer would I talk to him about episodes of the anime Star Blazers or play soccer on the same field as him.

The word “caramel” in the new Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream reminds me of Carol because caramel reminds me of her beautiful brown skin. But then again, a lot of things remind me of Carol, like when I look up at a full moon and see its craters, they remind me of her dimples. When I open an oven, I think of her home economic skills. Every time I see a tile floor with an alternating pattern, I think of her checkerboard skirt.

Tasting the Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream is much like my relationship with Carol before Randy and after Randy. The first sip I took from it had a delightful caramel flavor with a hint of artificial sweeteners, which was as delightful as my time spent with Carol prior to Randy. The sip that quickly followed the first had the delightful caramel flavor sucked right out of it, much like how the life was sucked out of me when I saw Carol in her checkerboard skirt holding hands with that shaggy bastard Randy.

This sudden lack of caramel flavor in the following sip puzzled me, much like how Carol would find Randy attractive puzzled me. If Doogal existed back in the late 1980s, that’s what Randy would’ve looked like. Sure Randy was a nice guy and WAS my friend, but he was shorter than Carol and kind of clumsy.

Anyway, after more taste testing, I found out that if I take roughly three or four minute breaks between sips instead of taking a sip and quickly following that with another sip, the caramel flavor doesn’t go away. However, taking three or four minutes in between sips caused me to nurse the bottle of soda for a while, and when the soda got warm it just didn’t taste the same.

I don’t know how long or how many sips it takes to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda, but I went to find out.

Marvo: Mr. Turtle, how many sips does it take to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda?

Mr. Turtle: I never made it without biting. Ask Mr. Owl.

Marvo: Mr. Owl, how many sips does it take to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda?

Mr. Owl: Let’s find out. One… two-HOO… three..

Mr. Owl: Crunch!

Mr. Owl: Three!

Marvo: Three? What are you? A frickin’ goat? What kind of animal bites into a plastic bottle? With the bottle in that condition, I don’t even think I can get my five cents back when I recycle it. Thanks, Mr. Owl! I hope the next mouse you eat has rabies.

Much like the rest of the Diet Pepsi Jazz flavors, the caramel cream version is good, as long as you take decent breaks in between sips. I don’t know why it loses its flavor like it does when taking a second sip quickly after the first, but if you want to overcome the problem, I suggest drinking it via beer bong or shotgun style. That way it’s just one gigantic sip.

Item: Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream
Price: $1.09 (20-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good for a diet soda. Caramel-ly. First sip is good and sips after long breaks are good. Zero calories, fat, carbs, and sugar. Low sodium. Star Blazers. Carol’s dimples. Carol’s checkerboard skirt. Carol’s home economics skillz.
Cons: The sip that quickly follows the initial sip won’t taste as good as the first. Slight artificial sweetener taste. Gets shitty as it gets warm. That shaggy-haired bastard Randy. Mr. Owl.