Del Monte Polar Raspberry Fruit Chillers

I might’ve given the Del Monte Polar Raspberry Fruit Chillers a five rating if it weren’t for the frickin’ raspberries.

I don’t like raspberries, because I don’t like fruits that have silent letters in their names and makes fun of my lisp at the same time. But don’t call me a fruit-ist, because I enjoy almost all other fruits. Although I also really hate those damn Ugli fruits, because I’m not going to be what I eat.

Sure, cantaloupe sounds funny when you say it five times in a row really fast, but I’ll still eat it. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Honeydew melons don’t have honey or bees in them, but I’ll still cut one open and eat out its greenish goodness. Bananas are phallic, but I enjoy sticking a long one in my mouth.

Raspberries are also big fat liars, because according to Wikipedia, they aren’t even berries. How can I trust a fruit to give me delicious goodness when it’s totally not being honest to me? Why can’t the raspberry be more truthful like an orange?

An orange doesn’t lie, because an orange is orange. The only way an orange wouldn’t be an orange was if an orange wasn’t orange. So an orange would be lying if an orange wasn’t orange, but called itself an orange.

Despite my disdain for raspberries, I actually did like the Del Monte Raspberry Fruit Chillers, which calls itself a frozen fruit sorbet. However, just like raspberries, every Del Monte Raspberry Fruit Chillers is a liar because it calls itself “frozen,” but if you buy one at the store it won’t be frozen or even near the frozen food aisle. It’s found with the canned fruits, which kind of makes sense since it’s made from 3/4 servings of real fruit. In order to get them frozen, they have to be stuck in a freezer overnight or spend a few days in the bosom of a cold-hearted bitch.

Each package comes with four 4.5-ounce cups and each one of those has 100% of your daily Vitamin C and zero fat. Its sweet and slightly tart taste is very good and it makes a nice snack to have on a hot summer day or a masochistic snack on a cold, snowy, and blustery evening outside with nothing but a g-string and a pair of Birkenstock sandals on.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Matt at Colburn Communication for sending me a free pack of Fruit Chillers, although I really wanted the strawberry or mango one. Also, Lord Jezo at 78west liked them as well, but he tried the strawberry one. Lucky bastard.)

Item: Del Monte Polar Raspberry Fruit Chillers
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from Matt at Colburn Communication
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Despite it being made out of those damn lying raspberries, it was good. Fat free. 100% of daily Vitamin C. Made with 3/4 servings of real fruit. Four individual cups. Contains no artificial flavors. Does not contain high fructose corn syrup. Gluten-free (That’s for you, Mir). Saying cantaloupe five times really fast.
Cons: Raspberries are frickin’ liars and make fun of my lisp. Silent letters. Have to freeze overnight before eating. Being outside in nothing but a g-string and a pair of Birkenstock sandals. Ugli fruits.

27 thoughts to “Del Monte Polar Raspberry Fruit Chillers”

  1. So Marvo, is the texture of the frozen product really like sorbet? Or is it like ice-cake, that frozen treat that we all grew up with here? Hard as a rock that you need to chip away with your metal spoon (or fork) to enjoy.

  2. it looks just like ‘Luigi’s Italian Ice’ that you can buy in the freezer section. You kind of have to hack away at the Luigi’s at first though, as it starts out a bit on the frozen side

  3. Chicken Recipes – You love them? But would you marry them?

    LaneO – Definitely not like ice cakes. It’s really like sorbet, but if you desire, you can lick it from the cup, like I used to do with ice cakes.

    dvs01 – If I needed to practice for the role of Jason in a new Friday the 13th movie, I would buy a Luigi’s Italian Ice and stab at it with a fork.

  4. Marvo, you said Lord Jezo was a lucky bastard because he got to try the strawberry variety; but he’s a victim of lies too, as strawberries contain no straw (and are in fact enemies to straws; especially if you try and drink a strawberry milkshake through a straw, and a bit of strawberry gets stuck in it).

  5. It’s not technically a lie because it has “Fruit” in the name, but I think anything that is mostly something not named (pear puree) then the Better Business Bureau should shut them down. But these aren’t even the worst offenders: next time you have a Quaker Peaches (or other fruit) and Cream instant oatmeal, I dare you to find the actually fruit on the label (with the only exception being blueberry).

  6. Zadillo – I think strawberries are called strawberries because they grow on straws or because scarecrows like to protect them.

    Toni – I was trying to show that not all combinations are good.

    Mad Cow – I wish Slurpees had fruit in them.

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