Author: Marvo

Wendy’s Flavor-Dipped Chicken Sandwiches (BBQ & Buffalo)

Marvo 22 Comments

Dipping a chicken patty into a sauce like you’re trying to get it to admit it’s a witch sounds like a great way to ensure there’s flavor in every bite, such is the case with the new Wendy’s Flavor-Dipped Chicken Sandwiches, but a sauce soaked piece of chicken is also a spectacular way to ruin an $80 shirt from Banana Republic or hide your mistress’ lipstick stain on your collar from your girlfriend/wife.

The Flavor-Dipped Chicken Sandwich comes in two flavors: BBQ and Buffalo. The BBQ version also consists of onions and pickles inside a bun, while the Buffalo version is also made up of lettuce, tomatoes, and a blue cheese sauce in between a bun. While both mostly have different ingredients, they have one thing in common — both are extremely fucking messy. After eating one, my hands were covered in enough sauce that it looked like I was the one who sensually massaged the sauce onto the chicken patty. A napkin was not enough to clean the mess, I needed a shower. Okay, I’m exaggerating a little bit, but I did use enough napkins to make an Ent cry.

The chicken patties for both sandwiches may have gotten dipped in sauce like a nerd’s head in a toilet, but the flavors weren’t as strong as I thought it would be. The BBQ sauce wasn’t very tangy and the Buffalo sauce wasn’t as spicy as Hooters wings. Although, the Buffalo sandwich might not have been too spicy because of the blue cheese sauce, which I didn’t even know it had until I researched the sandwich on the Wendy’s website. The pickles and onions in the BBQ version of the sandwich definitely enhanced its flavor and gave it a little more crunch, while the lettuce and tomatoes in the Buffalo one will allow some people to proclaim they had vegetables today.

Overall, both sandwiches were decent tasting, but I really expected more out of them, not only in taste, but also in size. These sandwiches weren’t very big, but I reckoned them to be because I paid almost five bucks for each of them. Apparently, not only is gas an expensive liquid, but so are BBQ and Buffalo sauces. So I guess I’d better hoard the stuff whenever I order Chicken McNuggets and scrape it off my $80 Banana Republic shirt whenever I spill some on it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – Buffalo – 530 calories, 220 calories from fat, 24 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 1840 milligrams of sodium, 510 milligrams of potassium, 52 grams of carbs, 2 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 26 grams of protein, 15% Vitamin A, 10% Vitamin C, 10% Calcium, and 15% Iron. BBQ – 450 calories, 110 calories from fat, 12 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 40 milligrams cholesterol, 1430 milligrams sodium, 450 milligrams potassium, 60 grams carbs, 2 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 25 grams of protein, 2% Vitamin A, 8% Vitamin C, 8% Calcium, and 15% Iron.)

Item: Wendy’s Flavor-Dipped Chicken Sandwiches (BBQ & Buffalo)
Price: $4.69 each
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 6 out of 10 (BBQ)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Buffalo)
Pros: Decent tasting. Lots of sauce. BBQ one is “healthier” than Buffalo version. Wonderful source of protein. Pickles and onions in BBQ version. Lettuce and tomatoes are vegetables.
Cons: Flavors weren’t as strong as I expected for something that’s dipped in sauce. BBQ sauce wasn’t very tangy and Buffalo sauce wasn’t very spicy. Blue cheese sauce wasn’t very noticeable. Pricey for what you get. Extremely fucking messy. Making Ents cry. Wonderful source of sodium. Ruining an $80 Banana Republic shirt with sauce. Excessive napkin use. Trying to get a piece of chicken to admit it’s a witch.

REVIEW: Gerber Graduates For Toddlers Strawberry Yogurt Melts

Marvo 19 Comments

Thank goodness I don’t have to regress in age to enjoy these Gerber Graduates For Toddlers Strawberry Yogurt Melts, because if did and wasn’t able to return to my normal 32-year-old self, I don’t know who would potty train me, fill my sippy cup, and scold me for my “terrible twos” temper tantrums.

The Yogurt Melts are shaped like little Barbie pink piles of dog poop and consists of 99% real yogurt and fruit in a freeze-dried form, which makes it easy for little ones to chew, swallow, and throw it back at you during one of their temper tantrums that makes you wish for a very slight moment that you had used some form of birth control during that sexual romp in the living room after watching an episode of Talk Sex with Sue Johanson on the Oxygen Network. Like most regular yogurt and multi-ethnic areas, like San Francisco and New York City, these contain a variety of live and active cultures, which help with digestion and overall health.

If you’ve had strawberry yogurt in your life, then you’ll have an idea of what these Yogurt Melts taste like. They also had the same taste and texture as strawberry astronaut freeze-dried ice cream, so you probably won’t need to go to a planetarium or space museum if you’re jonesing for strawberry astronaut ice cream after smoking a fat bowl and watching Harold and Kumar achieve their goal of getting White Castle. I personally enjoyed the taste of the Yogurt Melts and the feeling of them dissolving in my mouth. They’re quite addictive and I’m surprised I didn’t eat the whole bag in one sitting.

One thing I didn’t like about the Strawberry Yogurt Melts is that when I chewed on them, they stuck to the contours on the top of my back teeth, which made it feel like I had foam fillings. I could’ve just let them melt away, but that took too long, so I instead used my fingernails to dislodge the melted freeze-dried snack from my teeth. Another thing I didn’t like about it was its price, which seemed kind of high for something in this size. But I guess if it’s for the future citizens of our planet, whose taxes will help take care of my medical insurance and whose job it will be to change my adult diapers when I’m 106 years old, it’s probably worth it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/4 cup – 30 calories, 0 g of fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 15 mg of sodium, 50 mg of potassium, 5 g of carbohydrates, 0 g of dietary fiber, 4 g of sugar, 1 g of protein, 0% vitamin C, 0% vitamin A, 0% iron, 4% calcium, and possibly 30 seconds of quiet time with the toddler while they chew on them.)

Item: Gerber Graduates For Toddlers Strawberry Yogurt Melts
Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Size: 1 ounce
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasted like strawberry yogurt. 99% real yogurt and fruit. Contains live and active cultures. Easy to chew and swallow. Reminded me of strawberry astronaut ice cream. Kind of addictive. Talk Sex with Sue Johanson. I liked the feeling of them dissolving in my mouth.
Cons: Slightly pricey. Doesn’t seem like you get a lot for what you pay for. Gets stuck to teeth. Looked like little Barbie pink piles of poop. The “terrible twos.” An adult eating toddler food.

Tahitian Tamure Tava

Marvo 22 Comments

The Tahitian Tamure Tava (pronounced ta-MOOR-ay) is quite possibly the greatest beverage in the world that contains a three-word alliteration in its name. It’s the greatest because it is the ONLY beverage that contains a three-word alliteration in its name. Achieving that level wouldn’t have been possible if it weren’t for the marketing minds who came up with the made-up name “Tava,” which they define as, “to evoke feelings of possibility and discovery.”

It’s been around for almost a year, but I’m guessing most of you probably haven’t heard about Tava, since its makers, Pepsi, is only promoting the beverage online via word of mouth. That sounds like a great idea, but according to the original press release for Tava the beverage is targeted towards the 35-49 age group, so they’re asking a group which consists of some of the least technologically-savvy people in the country to promote Tava over the internets.

Good luck with that, Pepsi. I’m surprised these are still in stores.

Although it’s in a energy drink-shaped can, there isn’t anything energetic about it. There’s nothing in it to wake you up: no caffeine, no carbohydrates, no sugars, and no nagging mother yelling that you’ll be late for school. Even its tropical berry blend, which tasted more like fruit punch, was as weak as my attempts to earn the Presidential Physical Fitness Award in middle school.

Fucking shuttle run.

When it’s chilled, the Tahitian Tamure Tava tastes decent, but give it a chance to warm up, the artificial sweeteners stick out, like nipples on a cold, windy day under a thin, but soft, American Apparel t-shirt. Since it’s a zero-calorie beverage and contains artificial sweeteners, it’s safe to assume that the carbonated Tava is a diet soda. What I’m not sure of are the reasons why they added scant amounts vitamin D, niacin, vitamin B6, and chromium to it. If they’re going to add vitamins and minerals, they should make it worth our while or else someday another beverage with more vitamins and minerals and contains a three-word alliteration will take their title away.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 0 calories, 0 g of fat, 55 mg of sodium, 0 g of carbohydrates, 0 g sugar, 0 g protein, 15% vitamin D, 15% niacin, 15% vitamin B6, and 15% chromium.)

Item: Tahitian Tamure Tava
Price: $3.00 (4 pack – on sale))
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: The greatest beverage that contains three-word alliteration. Tastes decent when chilled. Nice light fruit punch flavor. No fat. No sugar. No calories. Three-word alliteration.
Cons: Tastes bad when warm. Light flavor. Scant amounts of vitamins and minerals. No caffeine. Visible nipples on a cold, windy day. Not earning the Presidential Physical Fitness Award. Having technology-dysfunctional people promote your product on the internet.

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Guacamole Bacon Burger

Marvo 26 Comments

When I looked at the Carl’s Jr. Guacamole Bacon Burger, which consisted of a beef patty, guacamole, two strips of bacon, melted pepper jack cheese, red onions, tomatoes, and lettuce on a toasted sesame seed bun, it reminded of three things: my hardening arteries, the movie Ghostbusters, and Christmas.

This avocado lovin’ burger reminded me of the movie Ghostbusters because the guacamole is the same color as the ectoplasmic goo that made up the green gluttonous ghost, Slimer, and just like the ectoplasmic goo, the guacamole is messy and ends up everywhere. The Guacamole Bacon Burger also reminded me of Christmas because of its excessive use of red and green ingredients. It was like walking through the Christmas decoration aisles at Wal-Mart. The red strips of bacon were like red strips of ribbon, the leaves of green lettuce were like leaves of green wrapping paper, the red onions were like the red tinsel wrapped around the a Christmas tree, and the green guacamole was like the puke from Santa’s overworked, sweatshop elves.

Although the burger did remind me that there are only a little more than ten weeks until Christmas and it used an excessive amount of holiday colors that made me wish I was colorblind, it was one of the tastiest burgers I’ve had in a while and if the Grinch tries to steal it from me, not even Dr. Seuss will be able to save his ass from the beating I would give him. The burger was quite tasty, thanks to the guacamole, which wasn’t too avocado-y and didn’t overpower the other ingredients, like Kim Kardashian’s ass does to other riders in an elevator. The green topping also surprisingly brought a little heat to the burger. The strips of bacon were decent-sized and had a smoky flavor that complemented well with everything else.

The only major thing I didn’t like about the Carl’s Jr. Guacamole Bacon Burger was that there were too many cold ingredients in it. The patty was well cooked, but the vegetables and the guacamole brought down the overall temperature of the burger, which was kind of weird when you’re expecting a hot sandwich.

Beyond its taste, what I also liked about this burger was Carl’s Jr.’s willingness to add ingredients that other fast food places wouldn’t have the balls…I mean, cojones to use. They’ve added a pineapple to their Teriyaki Burger and I think they were the first ones to add jalapeno peppers to a burger.

I just hope the next burger they try to make will remind me of Halloween, perhaps orange tomatoes, black mushrooms, and purple eggplant?

Get on it, Carl’s Jr!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 850 calories, 55 g of fat, 16 g of saturated fat, 105 mg of cholesterol, 1430 mg of sodium, 55 g of carbohydrates, 10 g sugar, 4 g dietary fiber, and 32 g of protein)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Guacamole Bacon Burger
Price: $3.59
Size: Single
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Really tasty. Guacamole added a nice flavor and some heat to the burger. Guacamole didn’t overpower the other ingredients. Carl’s Jr. having the balls to use ingredients that other won’t. The movie Ghostbusters.
Cons: Too many cold ingredients brought down overall temperature of burger. Guacamole makes the burger extremely messy. Excessive use of Christmas colors. Great source of sodium. Great source of saturated fat.

Product Poll: Japanese Product Edition

Marvo 63 Comments

A few weeks ago, a Japanese grocery store popped up in my neighborhood. I was excited about this because I love exploring unusual Japanese products that have labels I can’t read, despite the 2 1/2 years of Japanese language I took in college. When I walked through its aisles for the first time and saw all the possible products to review, I almost blew a load, which would’ve needed a cleanup in aisle number five.

Over the past few weeks I’ve bought several products from the store, intending to review them. But I’ve bought too many products and can’t decide which to review, so I’m going to let TIB’s readers decide for me. I’ve chosen three of the products for you to vote on:

1. JT Super Haioku

2. Glico Beer Pretz

3. JT Senoby

The Japanese product with the most votes will be declared the winner. The winner will be eaten and reviewed, while the others will just have the pleasure of going through my digestive system.

To vote, just leave a comment with this post with your choice. Only one choice and vote per person.

I’ll be accepting votes until Friday, October 17th (11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time).

Now go and vote!