ANNOUNCEMENT: New Impulsive Buy Reviewer Jasper

Hello readers! I’m Jasper, one of The Impulsive Buy’s new reviewers. I’ll have to keep this introduction short, since I wrote this on Taco Tuesday and I hate typing while sitting on the toilet. “Whoa, a poop joke in his very first paragraph,” you just gasped. Yeah, that’s right. I plan on being a real high-brow writer, so you better get used to it.

I’m fresh out of college and living in Boston, though I spent my first 18 years in New Jersey. (Yes, I do use a lot of hair gel; no, I’ve never worn sunglasses at night.) Food has always been very important to me, and I’ve always been something of an overeater. I distinctly remember being 6 years old, inhaling one too many ribs at the local Sizzler, and throwing up on the welcome mat on the way out. To be honest, things haven’t really changed over the years: my final semester, I left an exam two hours early because the dining halls were serving a limited number of hand-breaded chicken tenders for only the second day all year, and hell if I was going to prioritize graduating on schedule over gorging myself on those delicious tenders one last time.

But just because I value quantity doesn’t mean I’m unable to recognize quality. On the contrary, I’ve developed a pretty discerning palate thanks to a huge appetite that has allowed me to try both a large amount and a wide variety of foods. If a product tastes terrible, I’ll be able to tell you as much. It’s just that I’ll probably eat the rest of the bag/bowl/box anyway.

In terms of my prose, my only recent experience with “humor” writing has involved spending way too much time crafting hilarious jokes for emails that people probably barely glanced at. Needless to say, I’m very happy to have a bigger platform and hopefully a more attentive audience. I’ll strive to dazzle and delight you, though a more realistic goal would be to keep you occupied for at least a couple minutes after you’ve played all of today’s Sporcle quizzes.

It’s been a pleasure to make your acquaintance, TIB readers. And now, I’m off to the bathroom.

ANNOUNCEMENT: New Impulsive Buy Writer Drew

Greetings, fans of food and, possibly, casual swearing!   I’m Drew, your latest guide on this magical tour of things that are bad for you.   A little background: I’m from New Jersey and will fiercely defend it to anyone, because the smell isn’t THAT bad and those Jersey Shore kids aren’t even from Jersey. (Okay, one of them is, but not the goblin.)   I currently live in eastern Pennsylvania and will concede it offers some advantages, such as lower taxes, a major league baseball team, and… no, I guess that’s it.   I grew up on a steady diet of sugary breakfast cereals and may be the only person living who still mourns the loss of E.T. Cereal.   I’m also old enough to remember when Roy Rogers was a dominant fast food chain in the east and you couldn’t find a Wendy’s to save your life.
 
In college I double majored in English and Swim Team, which turbocharged my metabolism and allowed me to eat any and all junk food that didn’t run away from me.   Little did I know this would provide excellent practice for a future with The Impulsive Buy.   Prior to joining TIB, my main blogging experience has been with cult movie website Mutant Reviewers From Hell; so if I ever get confused and start bitching about the weak direction and shoddy acting in those Four Cheese Hot Pockets, you’ll know why.   In my spare time I enjoy reading and not having any spare time because I have an adorable 2-year-old daughter and another on the way.   They will someday read this and wonder why daddy uses all those words they’re not allowed to say.
 
That’s about it, except to say I’m excited to be writing for The Impulsive Buy, and I hereby vow not to wuss out in my reviewing duties.   The way I see it, if there isn’t a decent chance I’m going to regret having eaten it afterward, it probably isn’t worth reviewing.   Join me, won’t you?

ANNOUNCEMENT: Want To Write For The Impulsive Buy?

For over six years, The Impulsive Buy has been the blog that thousands of procrastinating college students and bored office workers go to when they’ve caught up with all the panty flashes and nipple slips on The Superficial. The Impulsive Buy is the number one blog on the internet that combines Consumer Reports thoroughness with Playboy comic strip penis jokes. The Impulsive Buy has influenced hundreds of people to avoid Maruchan’s Creamy Alfredo Instant Ramen and let those same people know about the Comfort Wipe

We are currently looking for enthusiastic, talented, funny, and self-motivated individuals to be monkeys with typewriters writers and churn out reviews of the latest products in stores and on fast food menu boards. We’re hoping to bring on two or three new reviewers.

Monkey With A Typewriter Writer Requirements:

1. Must have a typewriter or computer.
2. Willing to fling poop when upset or threatened.
3. Have spelling and grammar abilities equal to or greater than mine.
4. Must be willing to peel own bananas.
5. Own a digital camera.
6. Be okay with being called Curious George and retrieving my yellow hat.
7. Have an ability to entertain people with words, sentences and paragraphs.
8. Have a Paypal account.

It’s a paid gig, but we won’t say how much here. However, we can say it will amount to a decent number of bananas.

If you would like to apply for the position, here’s what you’ll need to send us:

Writing Samples:

1. One sample review in TIB format (price, pros, cons, etc at the bottom). The review can be about whatever product you want. We won’t be using the review on TIB, we just want to see your writing style to determine if you’d be a good fit. To give you an idea of how long a TIB review is, they range from 400-1,000 words.

2. A bio about yourself and why you want to write for The Impulsive Buy.

A Few Notes:

1. Due to legal reasons, we can’t hire minors.

2. Please don’t send attachments. Copy and paste your writing samples into your email.

To apply, please email your sample review and bio to theimpulsivebuyATgmailDOTcom with the line “I want to be a monkey with a typewriter” in the subject line. We will stop accepting applicants on November 5th.

Thank you.

Marvo
Editor

APOLOGY: Because I Didn’t Know Moving 10 Years of Crap Would Take So Much Time

I’d like to apologize for the lack of posts this week. I’m currently moving to a new place and I didn’t realize how difficult and time consuming it is to move the 10 years worth of crap I’ve accumulated, which includes 35 USB cables, 100 pounds of books I haven’t read, two printers, a dead PowerMac G4 with 17 inch monitor (which I swear I’ll revive one day), kanji practice worksheets from college, half a dozen hard drives that are less than 250 GB (which sounds like I have a lot of porn, but surprisingly they don’t contain any, because my porn is stored on a 2 TB drive), several pairs of jeans that don’t fit anymore, a lot of magazines with Tiger Woods on the cover and a comfort wipe.

I’ve moved over 95 percent of my stuff and will bring the last 5 percent to the new place by tomorrow, so expect a bukkake of reviews next week.