NEWS: Kellogg’s Ensures There Will Never Be More Saw Movies Than Pop-Tarts Flavors

I think it’s now official.

I need to jump into a body of water contaminated with nuclear waste in order to grow more toes and fingers so that I can count the number of Pop-Tarts flavors out there.

Kellogg’s recently introduced two new flavors to go along with the 4,349 other flavors available at your favorite grocer. The Chocolate Banana Split is filled with banana and chocolate filling with frosting and sprinkles on top. The limited edition Orange Cream contains orange cream filling and is topped with frosting and orange icing. The Orange Cream Pop-Tarts, sound intriguing because I love Orange Dreamsicles. As for the Chocolate Banana Split, I think I would probably enjoy it very much because the chocolate will satisfy the sweet tooth in me, while the banana will satisfy my hairy monkey urges — except the urge for flinging poop.

NEWS: Sprite Green Makes Regular Sprite Feel Like A Fatty

The Coca-Cola Company recently made their lemon-lime soda, Sprite, a little self-conscious this month by introducing the slimmer and sexier Sprite Green.

The big deal about Sprite Green is that it is one of the first beverages in the U.S. made with TRUVIA, a zero-calorie natural sweetener, which was develop by Cargill and the Coca-Cola Company. I could explain in detail what TRUVIA is and how it’s made, but instead I will refer you to this Wikipedia page because if I did try I would probably make stuff up, like TRUVIA got its name because the creators of the natural sweetener are big fans of the cancelled FOX show Tru Calling.

Although, TRUVIA is a zero-calorie sweetener, Sprite Green will have 50 calories per 8.5-ounce serving and contain 5% lemon juice. It’s being marketed to active teens and young adults, but will probably be consumed more by inactive adults looking to cut a few extra calories. It was launched in only two U.S. cities earlier this month in pretty 8.5-ounce aluminum bottles, but will be available to more inactive adults in January 2009.

NEWS: New Limited Edition Pop-Tarts Flavors Prove Kellogg’s Is Far From Running Out of Toaster Pastry Ideas

Just when it seemed like Kellogg’s couldn’t come up with a new Pop-Tarts flavor, they reached into their magical hat of random flavors and pulled out two: Dulce de Leche, which I’ve always thought sounds more like a World of Warcraft expansion set, and the exotic Guava Mango. Both sound appealing to me, especially the Guava Mango since here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean guava and mango products are abundant, which I guess makes the two fruits less exotic to us. Speaking of exotic, mango is said to be an aphrodisiac, but the Guava Mango Pop-Tarts are probably the least sexiest way to consume mango. As for the Dulce de Leche Pop-Tarts, I figured it was bound to happen since dulce de leche seems to be one of the popular flavors this year and because Kellogg’s was probably running out of flavors in the English language that don’t include the word “milkshake.”

Cheetos Now Has A Flavor That Doesn’t Look Radioactive

Is it just me or is Chester Cheetah too much into cheese? Look at him on the packaging of the new limited edition Cheetos Crunchy Mozzarella, which I took a picture of in Wal-Mart when the folks in blue vests weren’t looking. Now I don’t mean a connoisseur of cheese, I’m talking a full blown cheese whore who would do ANYTHING for a little taste of the curds and whey. If that’s not the face of a cheese whore, I don’t know what it. It’s like he’s ready to snort a few lines of white mozzarella cheese, or otherwise known on the street as Italian Gold. Also, I’m not too sure what’s more disturbing; the albino white mozzarella on these Cheetos or the radioactive orange stuff on regular Cheetos?

NEWS: You Can Now Suck On Mother’s Cans…As An Adult

When I think of Mother Nature, I imagine a little old lady walking on a grassy plain with cheerful birds, bunnies, and butterflies circling around her on a bright sunny day and with a few white lazy clouds here and there.

The setting would be much like the default wallpaper for Windows XP.

With an image like that it’s hard for me to put Mother Nature and energy drink in the same sentence, even though I just did, but believe me it was frickin’ difficult. Energy drinks are for young whippersnappers, not little old ladies who need a cane to walk and need to wear a medical alert bracelet just in case they’ve fallen and can’t get up.

But Coke has brought the two together to make an Acai berry flavored energy drink from natural sources with their new Full Throttle Mother Energy Drink, which has probably the least aggro, extreme, and intense name for an energy drink EVER.

Sure, the name is also kind of oedipus complex-ish and for something that claims to be natural, it doesn’t seem to be organic, but despite all of that, I really look forward to trying it.

[Via:] Energy Fiend