REVIEW: Ed Hardy Sangria

Ed Hardy (by Christian Audigier), the leading purveyor of fine douche-wear such as faux-tattoo print T-shirts and trucker hats, have finally taken the next logical step and created their own “V.I.F. Drinks” (which I assume stands for Very Important Fuckface) beverage line. You know, like that old saying goes: If you can do one thing shoddily, why not do a lot of things shoddily. Or something like that.

Sangria isn’t what is traditionally known as a “manly” thing to drink – what with the wine and the fruity bits and whatnot. And despite the skull wearing a cowboy hat with an arrow through it and a snake sitting on top of the hat and an eagle attacking the snake and some other snakes and fruit and stuff juxtaposed about the label, Ed Hardy Sangria still doesn’t strike me as a particularly manly thing to drink. Like for instance, I don’t know if I could see Jon “Fat Asian Spencer Pratt” Gosselin actually drinking Ed Hardy Sangria, but I could definitely see it as something he would offer to one of the many low-class women he attempts to bed. For anyone unfamiliar with sangria in general, here is the testimonial that can be conveniently found right on the back of the Ed Hardy Sangria bottle:

Produced in Spain and popularized throughout Europe for hundreds of years, Sangria is the perfect party drink. Mixed hundreds of different ways, or just poured over ice, fruity and delicious, Ed Hardy Sangria is everyone’s favorite, fashionable party guest.

Although after sampling this product, I personally don’t really see how Ed Hardy Sangria can be mixed “hundreds” of ways. In fact, I can really only think of “two” different ways it can be served: In a glass by itself or in a glass with a handful of roofies mixed in. Because while real sangria is mixed with ingredients like red wine, brandy and fruit liqueurs, and packs quite a punch; Ed Hardy Sangria contains a laughable 7 percent alcohol per volume and therefore would probably not get a young lady intoxicated enough to have sexual relations with Jon Gosselin on its own.

Likewise, Ed Hardy Sangria doesn’t taste particularly “alcohol-ey” either. It mostly tastes like something I would have sipped out of a little box and straw when I was in elementary school. If I had to compare it, I’d say the flavor most resembles Capri Sun’s Fruit Punch. On that note, while at face value I really wanted to hate Ed Hardy Sangria, I couldn’t even muster up the hatred for it that I usually reserve for things that come packaged in Ed Hardy, like 33-year-old men who hit on college girls. It was sweet, but not obnoxiously or cloyingly so, like eight letters handwritten in crayon pleading for daddy to come home for Christmas – and overall fairly innocuous. There was just nothing notable about it whatsoever, positive or negative. As far as alcoholic beverages go, it was just pure, unadulterated mediocrity.

To compare it to leading competing products, I would have to say it’s definitely more pleasant-tasting than your Boone’s Hill or Arbor Mist. But overall, if you were in the market for a cheap wine(-ish) product that doesn’t really taste much like wine, I’d go with something in the Franzia family. Because not only does Franzia give you a bigger bang for your buck, but you’re also not putting your money into encouraging what could eventually be Ed Hardy brand® breakfast cereal and Ed Hardy brand® toilet paper.

Item: Ed Hardy Sangria
Price: $6.99
Size: 750 ml.
ABV: 7%
Purchased at: Pennsylvania State Liquor Store, Philadelphia 40th & Market Location
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Was surprisingly not gross. Convenient screw-top cap. Real homemade sangria.
Cons: Ed Hardy, obviously. Fat Asian Spencer Pratt. Won’t get you drunk. The fact that this product even exists.

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 12/19/2009

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

James Cameron’s Avatar will probably make a billion dollars. But what’s even more impressive is that it doesn’t have a Celine Dion love song that will be played ad nauseam on radio stations. (via Pajiba)

If you think a sandwich Frankensteined together using a Big Mac, Filet O Fish, McChicken and Egg & Sausage McMuffin looks scary, imagine a McDonaldland character with Ronald McDonald’s head, Grimace’s body, Mayor McCheese’s arms, Birdie the Early Bird’s legs and the Hamburglar’s voice. (via Eating the Road)

I will state the obvious. A beverage that comes out of a worm’s butt will taste like something that comes out of a worm’s butt. (via Everyview)

A coffee called Wake the Fuck Up doesn’t really sound like an effective coffee. Do you know what would be? Punch to the Face Coffee or Replace Your Alarm Clock With A Growling Lion Without a Snooze Button Coffee. (via Energy Fiend and Possessed by Caffeine)

Never mind the fact that there are only six more shopping days left until Christmas. More importantly, there are only a few more days left for you to enjoy IHOP’s Holiday Hotcakes. (via We Rate Stuff)

WIBIA reviewed five chili dogs. (via Would I Buy It Again)

When I think of “Hot Lips,” soda doesn’t come to mind. Two acronyms do — M*A*S*H and S.T.D. (via The Soda Jerks)

Celine Dion image via Wikimedia Commons / Creative Commons Attribution 2.0

REVIEW: Joose Mamba JOOSE

Back in the day when young adults in the suburbs wanted to be rebels, they would pay their local hobo to pick them up a six-pack of wine coolers or a bottle of Boone’s Farm. A decade later the drink du jour for the underage set was Smirnoff Ice. Today, young folks turn to alcoholic energy drinks to make them knock themselves on their asses, rip off their clothes, put a lampshade on their heads and run around in circles while repeatedly singing Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” — the Eric Cartman version.

The Mamba JOOSE’s can design makes Sparks look like a little pussy bitch, and I’m pretty sure Joose would say that right to Sparks’ face, if aluminum cans could talk. In return, Sparks would come back with, “Well, at least my name doesn’t rhyme with douche.” Joose would get super pissed off and beat the shit out of Sparks with its tribal tattooed arms, if aluminum cans had arms. This is the kind of alcoholic beverage we’re dealing with here, and I’m pretty sure after two cans of this D-Bag, or shall I say J-Bag, you’ll probably be exhibiting the same behavior.

The Mamba JOOSE is a premium malt beverage with our good energy fiends taurine, ginseng and caffeine. It tastes very fruity (don’t you dare say that to its face) and I kind of like it. I can’t really describe the flavor more in depth, because after a few sips my mind kind of voids anything, but then suddenly becomes alert and jittery. It does this better than a Red Bull and Vodka.

Clocking in at 9.9 percent alcohol, it packs a serious wallop. Let’s put it in perspective. Your run-of-the-mill Budweiser has only half of that, and the classic malt liquor, Olde English 800 (a.k.a Ol’ E) has only 5.9 percent. This combination of high alcohol content, taurine, caffeine and ginseng can’t be good for you. In fact, as of last month the FDA has given the makers of Joose and other alcoholic energy drinks 30 days to prove “clear evidence of safety” or they’ll take them off of the shelves. I’m not really crying over this, but I would like to at least try one of the other flavors.

I like a good beer, but I will admit I sometimes enjoy swillin’ some old school malt liquor, especially if I’m pregaming. I’m positive that Joose was made solely for pregaming activities, because there’s no reason to actually want to drink this other than wanting to get hammered quickly without having to tolerate the taste of beer.

If that’s what you’re looking to do, this Joose will get you loose.

(NOTE: Please drink responsibly.)

Item: Joose Mamba JOOSE
Price: $2.50
Size: 23.5 ounces
Purchased at: Steak & Hoagie Factory
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: High alcohol content for the price. Tastes really fruity. Good for pregaming. Not having to pay a hobo to get you booze. Cartman’s version of Lady Gaga’s Poker Face. More than one flavor available.
Cons: Taurine, caffeine and ginseng makes you way too jittery. Boone’s Farm. Doesn’t have the street cred like Ol’ E, Colt 45 or St. Ides. Might make you loose. Might not get to try another Joose flavor before the FDA bans it.

So…Um…Yeah…TIB Version 4.0. Or It Could Be 5.0. I Lost Track.

Welcome to the new Impulsive Buy!

Who knew being pissed off at people would make me want to change the look of TIB? Off and on for the past 48 hours I’ve been tweaking a premade WordPress theme to my liking, because I’m too poor to afford a WordPress theme designer. I like the way it turned out, although for the past two hours I’ve been trying to fix some strange bug that wouldn’t show the comments. It made me kind of crazy and cry a little, although it’s been awhile since I’ve shouted all seven words you can never say on television within 60 seconds.

Everything seems to look good in Firefox, Safari and Chrome. If things look weird in your browser, please let me know. Unless you have Internet Explorer 6, if you do, I’d recommend upgrading to IE7, Firefox or one of the many other browsers better than IE6.

So what’s new besides the look?

The ability to reply to other comments. I enjoy replying to comments and I know some of you do too, so now it’s easier without having to go “@so and so.”

It’s now easier to share posts on Facebook, Twitter and Digg. On the main page, there’s the ShareThis button, and on each post page there are individual icons for your favorite social media sites.

You can also easily access TIB’s Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, YouTube and iTunes pages.

Um…I think that’s it.

I hope you folks like the new look.