REVIEW: McDonald’s McRib

McDonald's McRib

Just like The Rocky Horror Picture Show, AMC Pacer, and the Grateful Dead, the McDonald’s McRib has a cult following.

Although the McRib’s following isn’t as dressed up or gay as those who follow the Rocky Horror Picture Show or isn’t as stoned as the Deadheads, but the McRib cult probably has a much wider ass than all of the other cults combined.

Currently, the McRib is on its McRib Farewell Tour II 06, which when it ends, means the McRib will no longer be offered on the McDonald’s menu.

Now I don’t know about you, but when I see Roman numerals after the words “Farewell Tour,” it makes me a little skeptical that this is the last hurrah for the McRib. After all, if it’s the McRib Farewell Tour II, there apparently was a Farewell Tour I, so there might be a Farewell Tour III, since Roman numerals have been used to keep track of long-running series and events. For example, there have been XL Super Bowls, XXIII Wrestlemanias, XXVIII Summer Olympics, and XXX Asian Poontang videos.

(Editor’s Note: Here’s a quick handy guide to Roman numerals if you’re not familiar with them: I is one. V is five. X is ten. L is fifty. C is one hundred. D is five hundred. M is one thousand. So Asian Poontang XXX is really Asian Poontang 30, but looks much more masturbatable as Asian Poontang XXX.)

Another reason why I expect to see the McRib in the McFuture is because of the petition on the annoying McRib website to save it. Although if I have learned anything from signing petitions, it’s that they aren’t very effective at making things happen, but it’s a great way to find out the address and phone number of the hot chick who signed it right before me.

The McRib I tried recently was the first one I ever had and it will definitely be the last one I have, even when the McRib Farewell Tour III rolls around in 2008. For those of you who haven’t had the opportunity to eat a McRib, it consists of a boneless piece of pork, dipped in some kind of tangy barbeque sauce with pickles and onions in between a special McRib bun.

The boneless pork was slightly rubbery and the barbeque sauce was not so tangy or tasty. Although, if you look at the picture above, it seems like most of the barbeque sauce ended up on the box it came in instead of the sandwich, causing its bland taste. The barbeque sauce also ended up on my fingers, shirt, and the crotch of my pants, which would’ve been trouble (or fun) if I owned a dog. Also, I’m not too sure why there are pickles in it.

Due to its blandness and messiness, I don’t ever see myself joining the McDonald’s McRib McCult. If I had to choose between joining the McRib McCult or a cult that involves wearing matching baby blue jumpsuits with matching black Nike shoes and drinking a magical fruit punch that “puts me to sleep” so that I can be taken up in a flying saucer to meet Ldlfjadlrdoiueoriadfij (pronounced Frank) and be married to fifty virgins beyond the Gates of the Shining Starlight, I would probably choose the cult with matching baby blue jumpsuits, not because I would meet Frank or the fifty virgins, but because the magical fruit punch would probably taste better than the McRib.

(Nutrition Facts – 500 calories, 26 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 980 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 22 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s McRib
Price: $4.59 (Value Meal)
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Boneless. AMC Pacer. Magical fruit punch. Asian Poontang XXX.
Cons: Rubbery pork. Barbeque sauce wasn’t so tangy. Bland like a CBS sitcom. Messy like the money shots in Asian Poontang XXX. Napkins required. The McRib is overrated. The addition of pickles. McRib website is annoying. Petitions.

Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez

I want to go on record saying that the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste is the most Fergalicious-tasting toothpaste EVER.

The Colgate Dora the Explorer Toothpaste has a good fruit flavor and the Kid’s Aquafresh and the Crest Wild Expressions have nice bubblegum flavors, but all of them pale in comparison to the flavor of the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste.

I swear it tasted like candy! If it were a candy, its tart green apple taste would be all right, but since it’s a toothpaste its taste rocks.

It felt like it was made up of nothing but sugar, because it was kind of grainy like some of the whitening toothpastes out there, but I don’t think the graininess did a good job of cleaning my teeth. There was also no foaming action with it, which was surprising.

Its great taste has made me want to brush my teeth more than once a day. If they made a floss that tasted like this, I would definitely be flossing more than the once a year I already do now. If they made a mouthwash that tasted this good, I would be drinking it down hardcore like I was a freshman at a fraternity party.

Although I will admit, it maybe a great tasting toothpaste, but it definitely is the worst cavity preventing toothpaste EVER. Actually, I don’t really think it did any cavity prevention at all. As a matter of fact, I think it did the opposite and I expect my teeth to fall out soon.

But now that I think about it, that would explain why the word “squeez” in its name is missing an “e” at the end of it. I believe the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste used itself to brush itself, which caused the “e” to either fall out or rot away.

Actually, now that I think about it even more, the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste might be helping me prevent cavities by giving me cavities, because if all my teeth rot away, I can’t get cavities on them ever. Plus, if I don’t have teeth, I don’t have to floss. Bonus! It seems like the ultimate cavity protection.

This toothpaste totally blows my mind, even though I found it in the candy section of the convenience store.

Unfortunately, it only comes in a small 1.5-ounce travel size tube, which is small enough to take on a plane without it being confiscated by the TSA, but not big enough for the huge teeth of both actress Julia Roberts and motivational speaker Tony Robbins.

I also wish the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste would do a good job of freshening my breath, which would totally make up for the future loss of my teeth. Seriously, how am I going to attract the ladies if I don’t have fresh breath? I don’t have looks, personality, or two eyebrows to make up for it. Sure I could find a woman who is blind, deaf, and lacks the sense of smell, but there aren’t many of them around.

Oh cruel world, where is thy Helen Keller to fill thy empty heart?

The bottom line is that the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste would probably make a decent candy, but kind of sucks as a toothpaste.

Item: Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: It’s Fergalicious-tasting. It tastes like candy. Not too tart. Tube size is perfect for travel.
Cons: Its lack of cavity prevention is a dentist’s nightmare…or dream. Doesn’t freshen breath. No foaming toothpaste action. Grainy texture doesn’t seem to clean teeth. Tube size not big enough for people with big teeth. Found in candy aisle.

REVIEW: Wrigley’s Doublemint Kona Creme Gum

Coffee.

For many it’s a morning elixir or a liquid alarm clock, if you will.

I’m not a coffee connoisseur for several reason: I hate waiting in long lines at Starbucks and I hear hot coffee farts aren’t pleasant at all.

A co-worker once asked me, how I can be so cheery and perky in the morning since I don’t drink coffee. I told her that I’m high on life and look forward to every morning because it’s the beginning of a brand new day, full of experiences, wonder, delight, and sunshine.

After telling her this, she told me she hated me and then with a glimmer of animosity in her eyes, she took the lid off of her six dollar Starbucks espresso, had thoughts about throwing the scalding hot liquid at my face, but soon came to her senses, not because the hot coffee would burn me, but because she would be wasting a six dollar Starbucks espresso and would have to wait in a long line to get another.

Of course, what I told her wasn’t the truth, but I couldn’t tell her what really got me going every morning, which was either crack cocaine or lines of regular cocaine off of a passed out stripper’s ass.

I may not be a coffee drinker, but I seem to like coffee-flavored products, like ice cream and candy. I enjoy these products because they tend to be just like the way I like my women, artificially colored and flavored. Recently, I got to try the Wrigley’s Doublemint Kona Creme coffee flavored gum, which finally appeared on the shelves here after being announced earlier this year.

You would think that having the town of Kona on one of these rocks in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, would pretty much guarantee the Kona Creme gum being on store shelves here when it was introduced, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case.

For those who don’t know, Kona coffee is considered to be one of the premium coffees in the world and it comes from a little town called Kona, which is a tourist destination, much like Oahu’s Waikiki or Maui’s Lahaina, except significantly smaller and without any transvestite prostitutes.

Speaking of transvestite prostitutes, this Wrigley’s Doublemint Kona Creme gum is very much like one, because at first it was pretty good, but then after a little more chewing and digging it became something I didn’t expect…nor want…nor pay extra for.

When I first put it in my mouth it had a very good coffee flavor, which tasted much like other Kona coffee products I’ve tried. However, about a minute later that flavor turned into something I didn’t want to savor. It turned bad like it was Darth Vader and now I’m a Kona Creme gum hater and don’t really trust its creator.

Um, I’m not too sure why those last two sentences ended up rhyming.

But it might’ve been the cocaine.

Item: Wrigley’s Doublemint Kona Creme Gum
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Good coffee flavor while it lasted. Doing lines of coke off of a passed out stripper’s ass. Being high on life and looking forward to every morning because it’s the beginning of a brand new day, full of experiences, wonder, delight, and sunshine.
Cons: Flavor doesn’t last very long. When the flavor runs out, it tastes pretty bad. No caffeine. Transvestite prostitutes, unless you’re into them. Coffee farts. Long lines at Starbucks for expensive coffee. Won’t freshen breath.

The Shopping Cart #5

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to all the readers who participated in yesterday’s Vote To Torture Me Election. The results were very surprising and in a landslide vote, you readers chose to save my ears and save my soul. So I won’t be reviewing K-Fed’s attempt to take over Vanilla Ice’s reign as the biggest rap poser/wannabe ever. Thank you.)

The Shopping Cart takes a quick look at things that I’ve bought, but am too lazy to write a full review for.

What I’m Eating That Possibly Tastes Like The Rotting Crushed Corpses of Gingerbread Men


At the slow rate of deliciousness these Lucerne Limited Edition Yogurts are going, I believe in 2010, they will be so delicious that little old ladies will either steal them from your shopping cart, violently fart in the yogurt section to prevent you from getting close to it, or assault you with their walkers at Safeway for them.

But right now they suck.

The other week I tried the Lucerne Limited Edition Chai Latte Light Yogurt and it made me gag hard. Although not as much as I did watching the video of Anna Nicole Smith giving birth via C-section on YouTube (Warning NSFW and NSFTWHMGW*).

This week I tried the Lucerne Limited Edition Gingerbread Light Yogurt, which had a slightly better spicy taste than the Chai Latte version…very slightly. It tasted somewhat similar to the Chai Latte version, but this time it didn’t make me do any pubic-hair-stuck-in-my-throat gagging.

It was decent enough for me to be able to finish an entire cup of it, which I couldn’t even come close to doing with the previous limited edition flavor. But I would not eat another one unless someone forced me to choose between eating another Lucerne Limited Edition Gingerbread Light Yogurt or watching the Anna Nicole Smith C-section video.

*Not Safe For Those Who Hate Money Grubbing Whores

Happy Election Day: Vote to Torture Me

With it being Election Day here in the United States, I thought it would be awesometastic if I gave you readers the opportunity to vote for something here at the Impulsive Buy. I thought about doing a product election, which would’ve allowed you readers to vote for what I review next among a selection of five or six products.

Instead, I decided to do something a little bit more interesting.

Last week, Britney Spears’ favorite “hardcore rapper”/husband/baby batter provider Kevin Federline released his not-at-all-anticipated “rap album,” Playing With Fire. Now I would hate to contribute to the Kevin Federline Needs A Razor To Shave So He Doesn’t Look Like A Punkass Fund, but sometimes sacrifices need to be made in the name quasi-product reviews.

So what you’ll be voting for this Election Day is to determine whether or not you’re going to make me suffer by making me purchase and listen to Kevin Federline’s Playing With Fire. I’m pretty sure me listening to his “rap album” is going to end up winning in a landslide vote, but I’m curious to know how many of you want me to be miserable.

Now here are the voting procedures:

If you would like me to review K-Fed’s “rap album,” just leave a comment with this post with the word “Popozao” and whatever else you would like to say.

If you have compassion and don’t want me to review Playing With Fire, just leave a comment with this post with the sentence, “When Webster’s decides to add the word ‘wigger’ to its dictionary, they will put a picture of Kevin Federline next to its definition” or whatever you want to say to prevent me from reviewing it.

Voting will start immediately and will end at 12:00 a.m. (Hawaii Standard Time) on Wednesday, November 8th.

Now go vote, because I know you want me to squirm.

I’m Marvo and I approve this message.