Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets

Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets

Oh, hello there. Benjamin Franklin here, but please feel free to call me “Benji.”

Being a founding father of America and having my signature on both the United States Constitution and The Declaration of Independence, I get some perks here in heaven. For example, because I loved doing experiments with lightning when I was alive, I sometimes get to create lightning storms.

Although, I haven’t recently because I accidently struck a few people on a golf course in Utah. I kind of find it ironic that I, the inventor of the lightning rod, struck a couple of people holding lightning rods in the form of golf clubs.

Anyway, another perk I get here up in heaven is getting to enjoy delightful food from my beloved colony…Um, I mean…state of Pennsylvania, like the Philly Cheesesteak, stromboli, and lots of Hershey’s chocolate.

The Pennsylvanian food product that I’m most intrigued with is the Tastykake. I’m intrigued by it because it’s the only snack-sized, pre-packaged, and mass-produced pastry that has a name that gives me a clear picture of what I’m about to eat…A tasty cake.

It’s also one of the few snack-sized, pre-packaged, and mass-produced pastries that has a name that doesn’t sound like something I would be offered in sexual explicit spam emails, like HoHos, Ding Dongs, and Twinkies.

Plus, by eating Tastykakes, it doesn’t give Thomas Jefferson the opportunity to quip, “You know, Benji. You are what you eat.” He always says that whenever I eat a HoHo, a Ding Dong, or a Twinkie.

Jefferson is a dear friend, but he’s such a crazy guy.

Did you know that he’s to blame for the crack in the Liberty Bell? There are all kinds of theories behind it, but the truth is that Jefferson wanted to turn the Liberty Bell into a beer funnel, or what the young people of today call a “beer bong.”

So he grabbed Samuel Adams, who supplied the beer, and myself, who held the bell upside down while he tried to bore a hole into the Liberty Bell. Unfortunately, the hole caused a crack and all the beer spilled onto Jefferson. Oh, it was a sight to behold. Good times. Good times.

Anyway, recently I tried the Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets, which are Twinkie-sized pieces of sponge cake with butterscotch icing on top. It sounded wonderful, it had a nice moist texture, it wasn’t too sweet, and it tasted all right, but I was slightly disappointed with them because they didn’t seem to have a butterscotch taste at all. However, for some reason, I did detect a slight beef jerky aftertaste.

Besides the beef jerky aftertaste, another thing that disturbed me about the Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets happened when I placed one on top of two sheets of paper for about 30 seconds. When I lifted it off of the paper it left an oily mark on it. I wouldn’t have noticed this if I had a plate, but heaven has no plates thanks to Jefferson’s attempts to balance spinning plates on sticks.

As I said previously, that Jefferson is a crazy guy.

Item: Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received free from co-worker Lia
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Yum…Icing. Moist texture. Not insanely sweet. Decent tasting. Benjamin Franklin. Thomas Jefferson. The Declaration of Independence. The United States Constitution.
Cons: No butterscotch taste. Beef jerky aftertaste. Leaves oily mark when placed on paper. Being called a HoHo, Ding Dong, or Twinkie by Thomas Jefferson.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Ranch Snack Wrap

Are your young, hyperactive, and easily-influenced children singing shouting the lyrics to Wiggles songs over and over again like they were drunk at a kiddie karaoke bar?

Is the fellow movie patron sitting behind you with their feet constantly kicking the back of your chair yelling things at the screen, like “Don’t open that door!” or “Run, bitch! Run!”?

Is an obnoxious, loud-mouthed television or radio political pundit attacking you for either your insane conservative beliefs or demented liberal views?

Are you in the same room as Star Jones and she’s looking at you like you’re a juicy, meaty hamburger she’d want to sink her teeth into?

If any of these things are happening to you, I’d suggest you stick a new McDonald’s Snack Wrap in their mouth. Not only will it shut them up for about two minutes, or in Star Jones’ case prevent her from eating you, they’ll also be enjoying a gosh darn tasty snack.

The McDonald’s Snack Wrap consists simply of crispy chicken, cheddar jack cheese, lettuce and ranch sauce wrapped in a soft flour tortilla. The ranch sauce made it pretty tasty and the chicken was surprisingly crispy.

Its cylindrical shape is perfect for stuffing into the mouths of those who won’t shut up. Or it can be used by Britney Spears as Sean Preston’s pacifier when she can’t find her usual pacifier for him…A Taco Bell soft taco.

The McDonald’s Snack Wrap is kind of small, but I think it’s just as filling as a double cheeseburger from the Dollar Menu. Also, at $1.29, it’s inexpensive and I expect a lot of five dollar hookers will take advantage of that cheap price.

Sure, the five dollar hookers could get the cheaper double cheeseburger, but I’m sure they’re tired of having meat in their mouths and would like to have something different.

Being inexpensive can also make up for its lack of size. Obviously, if the McDonald’s Snack Wrap was bigger, it would be awesometastic and be able to shut someone up for a longer amount of time.

However, because it’s so cheap, buying two of them would double the amount of time I could keep Anna Nicole Smith from talking, because no good can come from anything that comes out of her mouth.

So if you buy one McDonald’s Snack Wrap, consider it a snack. Buy two or three, then it’s a meal. Buy four or five, it’s a meal for two. Buy one billion and it’s time to buy some McDonald’s stock.

Item: McDonald’s Snack Wrap
Price: $1.29
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Inexpensive. It’s gosh darn tasty, thanks to the ranch dressing. Great way to shut someone up for about two minutes. Chicken was actually crispy. Great for five dollar hookers who are tired of having meat in their mouths.
Cons: Kind of small, but what do you expect for $1.29. The Wiggles. People yelling at the screen during a movie. Insane political pundits. A hungry Star Jones.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme

You just don’t mess with a classic, like Metallica’s The Black Album, Kevin Smith’s low-budget film Clerks, Michael Jackson’s Thriller album, George Lucas’ original Star Wars trilogy, or Taco Bell’s original Crunchwrap Supreme.

Unfortunately, Taco Bell did mess with the classic Crunchwrap Supreme and created the Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme, which contains spicy shredded chicken, sour cream, lettuce and tomatoes, a tostada shell, and nacho cheese sauce all wrapped up in a grilled flour tortilla.

It sounds good, but in reality it’s like if George Lucas did the following things to the original Star Wars trilogy:

1. Had a hairless Chewbacca that mooed
2. Lando Calrissian always had a Colt 45 in his hand
3. Princess Leia’s gold bikini in Return of the Jedi was instead a gold Victorian dress
4. Made Greedo shoot first at Han Solo in the cantina scene

In other words, the Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme just wasn’t right and doesn’t come close to being as good as the original.

It’s like Taco Bell took Metallica’s The Black Album cut off all of its long hair, turned the devil horns hand sign into the letter “I” in sign language, and added a cover of Reel Big Fish’s cover of a-ha’s Take On Me as a bonus track.

Basically, the only thing different between the original Crunchwrap Supreme and the Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme is the instead of ground beef, it’s got the shredded spicy chicken. But unfortunately, that seemingly minor tweak turned out to be something as dramatic as replacing the picture of normal, jheri curl, plastic surgery-less Michael Jackson on the cover of his Thriller album with a picture of a scary, pale, nostril-less women, like Michael Jackson.

If the shredded spicy chicken was actually spicy, it might’ve been much better. Sure, adding Taco Bell’s Fire sauce would’ve turned up the heat, but doing so wouldn’t have made it — as Taco Bell likes to say — good to go, because it’s hard to put taco sauce on something while driving, playing World of Warcraft, or playing air guitar to Metallica’s album Master of Puppets.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Brie for suggesting the Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme.)

Item: Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme
Price: $2.89
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Stays warm in thermal pouch thingy, instead of heat-escaping box. 4 grams of farty dietary fiber. 18 grams of muscle building protein. The Black Album and any Metallica albums before it.
Cons: Not as good as original Crunchwrap Supreme. Not very spicy. The music at the Taco Bell website. 3.5 grams of trans fat. 1,300 milligrams of sodium. Any Metallica album after The Black Album.

Soda Club Energy Drink Mix

Growing up, I loved to make things like planes made out of Lego; dams in the backyard stream; slingshots with sticks and rubber bands; forts made out of pillows, boxes, and blankets; mixtapes with Huey Lewis and the News, Prince and Cyndi Lauper; and provocative poses using stuffed animals.

Over the years, my tastes have changed, but I still love to make things like decadent desserts; custom iTunes playlists with the Barenaked Ladies, Beyonce and the Beatles; paper mache masks of assassinated U.S. Presidents; blogs I occasionally update; hot and passionate whoopie; and Build-A-Bear.

Because of my love for making things, I looked forward to trying and reviewing the Soda Club Energy Drink Mix. However, I had some trepidation because I believe that the first rule of Soda Club is…you do not talk about Soda Club. Of course, the second rule of Soda Club is…you DO NOT talk about Soda Club.

Then I realized the third rule of Soda Club…taking famous lines from movies and adding your own twist to them to make you seem witty is just plain lame, especially if you’ve never seen the movie.

Anyway, I had the opportunity to make an energy drink thanks to the Soda Club Energy Drink Mix. The instructions to make a liter of it was illiterately simple due to the drawings on the back of the packaging.

1. Get a one liter bottle of seltzer water.
2. Twist off the cap of the seltzer water.
3. Squirt Soda Club Energy Drink Mix into seltzer water bottle.
4. Twist on the cap of the seltzer water.
5. Shake it like you’re a pimp trying to get yo’ money from yo’ hos.
6. Let the bottle sit for a while.
7. Enjoy.

It was definitely easier than a simple sudoku or removing a bra using only my teeth, but not as easy as figuring out Lance Bass was gay. As you can see from the picture on the left, the Soda Club Energy Drink looks like beer. For something that was low sugar and low calorie, I was surprised by how decent it tasted. It’s definitely not the best energy drink I’ve tasted, but it’s definitely not the worst either. It also gave me a good boost of energy, but I guess that should happen after drinking the entire one liter bottle within 30 minutes.

The greatest appeal of the Soda Club Energy Drink Mix is the fact that is can be significantly cheaper to make your own energy drink using this mix rather than spending $1 to $2 for either a 8- or 16-ounce can of energy drinks like Red Bull, Monster, and Rockstar.

With its decent taste, decent energy boost, and inexpensive price, the Soda Club Energy Drink Mix may come in handy during those nights I’m making either a decadent dessert or wet and sticky whoopie.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Emily, an intern at Soda Club, for the free samples of Soda Club Energy Drink. Actually, she sent these to me months ago, so she might not be an intern anymore. It was so long ago that she might’ve graduated from college, moved on in the world, and is right now making her way up the corporate ladder. Or she might’ve moved to the Caribbean to enjoy the warm beaches…and occasional hurricanes. Anyway, thanks again, Emily! For more reviews of the Soda Club Energy Drink Mix, visit here and here.)

Item: Soda Club Energy Drink Mix
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Given by Emily, a Soda Club intern.
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Despite being low-sugar and low calorie, it has a decent taste. Decent energy. Inexpensive compared with mainstream energy drinks. Easy to make. Looks like beer. Lots of B Vitamins. Some Vitamin C. Barenaked Ladies.
Cons: Missing the good energy stuff, like taurine and guarana, ginseng, and other things I have a hard time pronouncing. Opening bottles of soda after shaking it. Pimps trying to get money from their hos.

Berry Krispies

“Suri Cruise is the reincarnation of Xenu and will rule over the Galactic Confederacy. That’s why no one has seen her.”

Shut up, Berry Krispies!

Every time I eat a bowl of these Berry Krispies, I hear strange things besides the usual snap, crackle, and pop. At first, I thought it was kind of cool with the Berry Krispies saying things like, “Oooh, Eva Longoria…I’d like to tap dat ass,” or the Yakov Smirnoff joke, “We have no gay people in Russia — there are homosexuals but they are not allowed to be gay about it. The punishment is seven years locked in prison with other men and there is a three year waiting list for that.”

However, it’s been six bowls and all that Berry Krispies talking has just gotten plain irritating, because it’s beginning to say things I don’t want to hear or things that just don’t make any sense, like “You will never get laid, unless you pay for it” and “One day, cars will be fueled by karma and Larry the Cable Guy will be ruler of a country he will purchase and will name LarryLand.”

All this talking wouldn’t be so bad if I could have a meaningful conversation with the Berry Krispies. We could talk about the meaning of life, our goals and dreams, why the Detroit Tigers don’t suck this year, or why I haven’t gone out on a date in a year and a half.

Unfortunately, the Berry Krispies seem to have a mouth of its own and ignores me, which makes me feel like I’m Debbie Matenopoulos when she was on The View.

The chatter also wouldn’t be bad if the Berry Krispies were actually tasty. They have a strong berry smell, but unfortunately it doesn’t translate into a strong berry taste. However, if you don’t like your cereals too sweet, then this maybe the cereal for you.

But if you like sweet, then I should let you know that Fruity Pebbles kicks Snap, Crackle, and Pop’s asses so bad that they are definitely Fred and Barney’s bitches, which for some reason, I don’t think Snap, Crackle, and Pop mind at all.

Even the colors of the Berry Krispies didn’t compare with the colors of Fruity Pebbles and Froot Loops, which are more vivid and possibly what unicorn poop looks like.

Oh man, that last line sounds like something Berry Krispies would say.

“Unicorn poop has magical powers that can cure any disease or get you a date.”

Shut up, Berry Krispies!

(Editor’s Note: For those of you who are readers of the neglected Cereal Mashup, I just want to let you know that it is neglected no more. I just posted a new cereal mashup review and I’ve got 14 boxes of cereal sitting in my kitchen waiting to be mashed up.)

Item: Berry Krispies
Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Snap, crackle, and pop. Good for those who don’t like really sweet cereals. Yakov Smirnoff.
Cons: Can’t have a meaningful conversation with Berry Krispies. Says some weird things. Colors aren’t as vivid as Froot Loops or Fruity Pebbles. Not as good as Fruity Pebbles. Gets soggy really quickly. Being Fred and Barney’s bitches. The whereabouts of Suri Cruise.