NEWS: Go Girl Makes Available More Energy Drinks Meant For Mortals With Mammaries

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In 2007, I reviewed the original Go Girl Energy Drink. In 2008, I reviewed Go Girl Glo, an energy drink that’s supposed to help one’s skin. In 2009, I reviewed Go Girl Bliss Energy Drink. In 2010, Go Girl Energy didn’t release a new flavor that I would’ve had to embarrassingly buy like it was a pack of tampons. However, in 2011, they’re making up for the lack of a new flavor in 2010 by releasing two new flavors — Go Girl Pomegranate Blueberry Tea Energy Drink and Go Girl Lemon Drop Sugar Free Energy Drink.

The Pomegranate Blueberry Tea Energy Drink is non-carbonated, only 35 calories, made with Yerba Mate tea leaves, and sweetened with agave. It also contains B vitamins, taurine and Super Citrimax, the company’s herbal appetite suppressant. As for the Lemon Drop Sugar Free Energy Drink, it too is non-carbonated, has B vitamins and contains Super Citrimax, but it only has 5 calories and contains sweet, sweet caffeine.

Like all Go Girl Energy Drinks the new flavors come skinny 11.5 ounce cans and a portion of the proceeds of each case sold is donated to breast or ovarian cancer research and awareness.

NEWS: Dunkin’ Donuts Hopes To Have America Running On The 580 Calories Their New Big N’ Toasty Provides

Dunkin' Donuts

Update: Click here to read our Dunkin’ Donuts Big N’ Toasty review

According to Dunkin’ Donuts, their new Big N’ Toasty breakfast sandwich is their biggest one ever. But I’m sure Dunkin’ Donut Devotees, who love Dunkin’s coffee as much as I love the polka medleys on Weird Al Yankovic albums, would probably prefer Dunkin’ release their biggest hot coffee cup ever. Perhaps a 32-ounce cup of hot coffee to dwarf their 24-ounce extra large size?

The biggest breakfast sandwich that Dunkin’ Donuts has ever released is made up of two peppered fried eggs, four slices of Cherrywood smoked bacon, and a slice of American cheese in between two slices of Texas Toast.

The Big N’ Toasty contains 580 calories, 320 calories from fat 35 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 125 milligrams of cholesterol, 1370 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 26 grams of protein. The sandwich is available for a limited time at participating Dunkin’ Donuts and has a suggested retail price of $3.29.

REVIEW: Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie

Haagen Dazs Caramel Apple Pie

Häagen-Dazs is quite possibly the Mercedes-Benz of the ice cream world. Both exhibit high quality in their respective industries and both have the letter Z in the second word of their names. Okay, maybe I’m making this comparison because I watched a marathon of Top Gear episodes thanks to Netflix.

But for Americans, when they imagine a European luxury car maker, they’ll probably think Mercedes Benz, and when they imagine a European premium ice cream, they’ll probably think Häagen-Dazs.

However, there’s a problem with that, because Häagen-Dazs is, and has always been, an American company. It’s as American as apple pie, baseball, and people suing fast food companies for making them fat. Now I could say I knew Häagen-Dazs has been an American company all this time, but like George Washington, I cannot tell a lie, and I blame the umlaut-ed A for my ignorance.

Umlaut! Thou trickery shall not be forgotten and I shall place you under a lowercase L, the number one, or a Sheffer stroke to shame you.

With the knowledge that Häagen-Dazs is an American company and apple pie is as American as…itself, I think the Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie ice cream is the most patriotic ice cream ever. Although some might say, Ben & Jerry’s Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream is the most patriotic ice cream, but the only way it could be more patriotic than the Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie is if it contained actual chunks of Mr. Colbert or a gooey swirl of his Formula 401.

The Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie, a.k.a. The Most American Ice Cream, is made up of apple ice cream, chunks of apples, caramel swirls, and chunks of pie crust. When combined, it’s as if I’m eating an American flag that’s been wrapped around the U.S. Constitution, which has been stuffed with the Bill of Rights that contains grounded bits of other things I learned in grade school social studies, all of which has been covered with lots of cinnamon, which is the most dominate flavor in the Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie.

Haagen Dazs Caramel Apple Pie Topless

The apple ice cream is what you expect from a Häagen-Dazs ice cream: creamy, easy to scoop, and something so deliciously right, but yet, so addictively wrong. The apple and pie crust chunks were small, and in about 60 percent of the spoonfuls I took from the 14-ounce container, I ended up with either a chunk of apple or a chunk of pie crust. But having a spoonful with both was extremely rare.

The apple chunks brought a little more apple flavor beyond the apple ice cream, and it was nice having them in there to provide the crisp texture of apples. I guess having actual apple chunks are one of the little things that makes Häagen-Dazs a premium American ice cream maker. The buttery pie crust chunks were one of the best parts of the ice cream, because when mixed with the apple ice cream, it tastes somewhat similar to an actual apple pie. As for the caramel, despite being a focal ingredient of this ice cream, it doesn’t really stand out, nor does it complement anything. It sort of gets lost within the cinnamon, which is fine by me.

Overall, I like the Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie ice cream, although I do wish it had more pie crust chunks. The combination of apple ice cream and cinnamon is a winner, but at the same time it makes me yearn for a real apple pie a la mode.

Oh wait, that’s not the American way to say it. I meant to say, apple pie served with ice cream.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 250 calories, 130 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 110 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 24 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, and 8% calcium.)

Item: Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie
Price: $4.19
Size: 14 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: U-S-A! Apple ice cream and cinnamon make an awesome combination. Creamy. Apple ice cream and pie crust chunks make an awesome combination. Apple chunks added a little more apple flavor and a nice crisp texture. Eating apple pie while watching baseball with a bald eagle perched on my shoulder make an awesome combination. Top Gear. Netflix. Fun with punctuations. U-S-A!
Cons: Only 14 ounces. Not a satisfying substitute for apple pie served with ice cream. Small chunks of pie crust and apples. Not enough chunks of pie crust and apples. The umlaut tricking me into thinking Häagen-Dazs is a European company.

NEWS: Panda Express Golden Treasure Shrimp Is Not Considered A Treasure To Those With Shellfish Allergies and Pirates

PANDA EXPRESS

If I were a treasure hunter looking for sunken Spanish galleons and the sweet, sweet gold doubloons they may contain, and I came upon a wreckage filled, not with gold coins, but with Panda Express’ Golden Treasure Shrimp, I’m pretty sure I would be mad enough punch Poseidon in the face.

Panda Express’ latest dish combines crispy tempura shrimp, red and green bell peppers, and their new zesty citrus sauce. According to the press release I read from some site that posts nothing but press releases, Golden Treasure Shrimp received higher reviews than Panda’s Honey Walnut Shrimp during market testing across the country.

The new dish will make its debut on March 2. If you’re into free faux Chinese food, Panda Express will be offering a free single serving of Golden Treasure Shrimp on March 9 via a coupon from their Facebook page.

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 2/26/2011

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Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

Dr Pepper Ten is a 10 calorie version of the soda made for men. Ha ha! Take that women! You have your Secret deodorant that’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman, and we’ve got Dr Pepper Ten that’s low calorie enough for a woman, but made for a man. Suck it! (via BevReview)

Domino’s first changed their pizza recipe, now they’re changing their chicken. I hope Domino’s can change the dirty looks their drivers give me whenever I give them a quarter tip. (via Foodette Reviews)

There’s a new Skittles rainbow I can taste to help make up for not being able taste an actual rainbow. Why won’t you let me taste you rainbow? Why do you keep running away from me? (via Candyblog and Sugar Pressure)

Dairy Queen does salads? Is the Dairy Queen, Queen Victoria? English monarchy history reference! High five! (via On Second Scoop)


REVIEW: Stride Spark Gum (Kinetic Fruit & Kinetic Mint)

Stride Spark Kinetic Fruit

WOOO!!! I am sooooo wired, mofos!

You better not light a match near me right now because I’mma erupt! So I don’t need you Stride Spark and your pitiful 25 percent of my daily intake of vitamins B6 and B12. I don’t care if it comes in two flavors — Kinetic Fruit and Kinetic Mint. You know who’s kinetic right now? I AM! I’mma go run five miles in 30 minutes. BOOM! I’ll be right back.

(30 minutes later)

WOOO!!! I’m back, mofos!

My heart right now is beating like I just shared a mountain of cocaine with Charlie Sheen and a couple of pornstars. How did I get so frickin’ wired? Yo man, I started off my day with a Red Bull, supplemented it with an 8-hour energy shot. Then I supplement the 8-hour energy shots with a couple of sugar-free Red Bulls and some weird, expensive Chinese herbal green tea that has some bits of an animal’s penis in it. I don’t know which animal it is, but my guess is that it’s a cheetah, but it’s more likely a small monkey or cow. After the 8-hour energy shot wears off, I taper off and calm down with a 5-Hour Energy shot, supplementing it with a can of Pepsi Max. By the time it’s three in the morning, I’m ready to go to sleep and start my day again in four hours.

You can’t keep up with me, Stride Spark. WOOO!!!

Twenty-five percent is pocket change to me. To get 25 percent of my daily vitamin B6 and B12, all it need to do is take a quick sippy sip of a 5-Hour Energy, which has 2,000 percent vitamin B6 and 8,333 percent of vitamin B12. WOOO!!! Stride Spark can’t compete with that, even if I chewed on all 14 pieces in the pack at the same time. Heck, I don’t even know how long I need to chew on the gum to get the 25 percent. Actually, I probably do know. Because I chew like a buzzsaw when I’m totally wired, it would probably take me a minute.

Because I’m so wired and get things done quickly, I had some time to give both Stride Spark flavors a spin.

Stride Spark Kinetic Mint

Kinetic Fruit is a little harsh for the first few chews, like I’m chewing on a tropical air freshener, but it gets to something palatable quickly. I’m not sure what artificial and natural fruit flavors they stuck in it, but I do detect a bit of citrus. Kinetic Mint has good, but mild peppermint flavor that makes you wonder if it’s powerful enough to vaporize the stank from your mouth. After chewing on it for a few minutes it begins to have a slight medicinal taste to it, like I’m chewing on a Tums. Both gums were soft from beginning to end and both flavors are decent, although I prefer Kinetic Fruit over Kinetic Mint, but I think the flavor gets muted quicker than other Stride gum I’ve had. This is strange for a Stride gum, which prides itself on being the long lasting gum and usually is.

If you’re a regular drinker of energy products, Stride Spark probably won’t help you, because it didn’t help me. I’m also skeptical about it working for those who aren’t regular consumers of energy products because I don’t think it contains enough B vitamins to give them a boost.

Man, those last few paragraphs were a bit mellow. I think I need a little stimulation. Time for some weird, expensive Chinese herbal green tea that has some bits of a cheetah’s penis in it.

WOOO!!! That’s the stuff!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram of sugar alcohol, 0 grams of protein, 25% vitamin B6, and 25% vitamin B12.)

Other Stride Spark Gum reviews:
Gum Alert

Item: Stride Spark Gum (Kinetic Fruit & Kinetic Mint)
Price: $1.44 each
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Kinetic Fruit)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Kinetic Mint)
Pros: Something to chew when you need something to chew. If you don’t get enough B vitamins, it might help. Both have decent flavor, but I prefer Kinetic Fruit over Kinetic Mint. 8-hour energy shots. Running five miles in 30 minutes.
Cons: Doesn’t seem to be as long lasting as other Stride Gums. Won’t provide a boost for those who regularly consume energy products. Not sure if there’s enough B vitamins to provide a boost for others. Kinetic Mint tastes like Tums after chewing on it for a while. Kinetic Fruit tastes like a tropical air freshener during the first couple of chews. Drinking tea made with bits of animal penis. Having to share a mountain of cocaine with Charlie Sheen.