Campbell’s Select Gold Label Roasted Red Pepper & Tomato Soup

(Editor’s Note: Welcome to Cold Week here at the Impulsive Buy. This week the Impulsive Buy will be reviewing products that you can use whenever you catch a cold. They are also products that you might want to think about putting in your shopping cart, just in case you’re pretending to be sick and you happen to run into your boss at the grocery store.)

God, I can’t find the hole!

Where’s the damn hole?

I can’t get it into the hole!

Why does this always happen to me? I can’t get it in the hole when I play golf. Can’t get the small straw into the hole of boxed juices. I can’t even get it into the right hole when I’m with a woman.

Now I can’t find the hole for this box of Campbell’s Select Gold Label Roasted Red Pepper & Tomato Soup. I’m so bad with getting things into holes, I’m surprised that I get food into my piehole.

Actually, now that I think about it, maybe it isn’t like a boxed juice and there isn’t a hole in the soup box. I guess if there was a hole, the Campbell’s Select Gold Label soup would’ve came with one of those rinky-dink boxed juice straws that makes my hands look really big and makes men with really small penises feel better about themselves.

Since there wasn’t a hole and I was hungry for soup, there was only one way I could think of to get some soup in my belly…Make my own hole and suck it up, shotgun-style. Woo!!!

Unfortunately, boxed soup tastes better when heated up and the chunks of roasted red peppers clogged up the hole I made with a small Phillips screwdriver.

After making the hole bigger and being disappointed about not being able to get the soup through the hole I originally made, I poured the rest of the soup into a pot and warmed it up over medium heat.

(Editor’s Note: Hey, remember the show Alice? I remember this one episode where a customer came into Mel’s Diner and asked if a cup of hot water was free. Mel said it was and gave him a cup of hot water. Then the customer asked if the ketchup was free. Mel said it was and gave him a bottle of ketchup. Then the customer pours the free ketchup into the free cup of hot water and makes free tomato soup. HA! That was such a classic!)

The warmed-up Campbell’s Select Gold Label Roasted Red Pepper & Tomato Soup was pretty tasty. The chipotle peppers in the soup gave it a very mild kick, but it wasn’t as even close to being spicy hot as some of the other products I’ve had with chipotle peppers.

I hate to say this, but even a drunk Anna Nicole Smith was hotter than this soup.

Well at least the soup doesn’t have the preservatives and artificial flavors like a drunk Anna Nicole Smith does. Also, unless Anna Nicole gets drunk off of Bloody Maries, the soup will also gives me a serving of vegetables.

However, with 870 milligrams of sodium per serving, the Campbell’s Select Gold Label Roasted Red Pepper & Tomato Soup is just as salty as a drunk Anna Nicole.

(Editor’s Note: Congratulations to Pel, Meg, and TaikoG for being selected as the winners of this month’s prize drawing. Pel and Meg will each receive a Hefty Serve ‘n’ Store plate and bowl set, which they can use, wash, reuse, and repeat. TaikoG will receive a copy of the book Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools, which TaikoG can either read and keep, or read and re-gift. Thank you to all who participated.


Item: Campbell’s Select Gold Label Roasted Red Pepper & Tomato Soup
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. No preservatives and artificial flavors. 4 grams of dietary fiber. Low fat.
Cons: Not as spicy as I hoped with the chipotle peppers. No hole for straw. Hard to shotgun. A drunk Anna Nicole Smith is hotter than the soup. My inability to put things in holes. 870 milligrams of sodium per serving.

Arizona Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot

I want to thank Arizona Beverage Company for creating such a courteous energy drink.

Usually energy drinks have designs that look like things that probably appear in Kate Moss’ head after doing a few lines of coke, but Arizona Beverage Company had the courtesy to put a big, bold caution label on its Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot, letting everyone know that it may suck big time.

So does it suck?

It sucks hard, but not as hard as you think.

It’s got most of the energy goodness of regular energy drinks, like B vitamins, taurine, ribose, carnitine, ginseng, inositol, guarana, and 100 milligrams of sweet, succulent caffeine, but it didn’t seem to give me the ass-slapping jolt that I’ve gotten with regular energy drinks.

The lack of ass slapping might’ve been from the fact that the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot is lightly carbonated, so it’s easy going down, like water, a flat lemon-lime soda, or the TV show Joey after drinking extreme amounts of alcohol.

Or it could’ve been the cocaine-looking Splenda, which apparently has the power to take out the “extreme” in the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot. Damn you, Splenda! You are the bane of my existence! You are the thread that unravels the seam of my shirt! You are the drunken Tara Reid of my celebrity party!

The Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot has a slightly weak medicine taste, but it’s also got a weak fruit juice taste, thanks to the 3 percent pear, apple, and peach juice it contains. Peach juice? God, they’re making juice out of everything. Damn you, Jack LaLanne and your Power Juicer!

Another thing that was weak about the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot was the size of the 8.3-ounce can. This small can was a surprising departure from the usual 23.5-ounce cans that Arizona Beverage Company uses for most of their products, which sell for 99 cents. But again, the big caution label on the front of the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot can was probably also warning me about the size of it.

If only other products would have the courtesy to put big, bold caution labels on its packaging, it would probably save me and you a whole lot of time and money.

For example, imagine having a warning on a Britney Spears CD.

Caution: This CD may cause your daughters to see Britney as a role model, when she definitely shouldn’t be; settle for an ambition-less husband, who won’t get a job; and make them say “y’all” way too much.


Item: Arizona Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Warning label, letting me know that it’s going to suck. 100% of your daily allowance of Vitamin C. 100 mg of sweet, sweet caffeine. Low calorie, fat, carbs, and sugar. Goes down easy.
Cons: Watery taste. Splenda. Weird aftertaste. Only 3 percent juice.

Mitchum Fresh Wave Clear Gel

If your only real fear is commitment, you’re a Mitchum Man.

Nope…Women fear committing to me and I fear snakes, women with large Adam’s Apples, and shopping malls with free boy band concerts.


If you’ve ever eaten tortilla chip crumbs off your shirt, you’re a Mitchum Man.


No, I usually dust those onto the floor and then suck them up with my vacuum. However, on several occasions I’ve licked up nacho cheese from my shirt so it wouldn’t stain. Also, I’ve always wanted to eat sushi off of a naked woman.

If you never forget your protection, you’re a Mitchum Man.

I’ve forgotten my protection a few times. Thank goodness I shoot blanks and no child has ever walked up to me and called me “daddy.”


If they look real enough to you, you’re a Mitchum Man.

Um… Real. Fake. Flat. Perky. Saggy. One nipple pointing towards the sky and the other one pointing to the ground. I’ll take them however I can.


If you didn’t have anything to do with planning your wedding, you’re a Mitchum Man.

No, I will plan everything for my wedding. I want my wedding ceremony to be on top of a grassy hill, with only close relatives and friends. We will all be lifted there by helicopter. My bride and I will write each other beautiful sonnets (or haiku, if I’m lazy) expressing our love and dedication. Then we will release a hundred white doves into the sky, which will probably take over the native bird population and cause larger bird poop splats on cars.

If you ever fantasized about a hotel maid, you’re a Mitchum Man.


Um, I don’t know what hotels you go to, but from all the hotels I’ve been to, I have yet to see ONE hot hotel maid or one under the age of 50.

If Menage a Trois is the only french term you know, you’re a Mitchum Man.

I not only know Menage a Trois, I can also count to ten in French, and say “Dans mon pays on utilise le vagin en premier,” which translates to, “In my country it’s customary to try the vagina first.”

Hmm…Well I guess I don’t qualify as a Mitchum Man, but then again I should’ve known, because according to the Village People, I also don’t qualify to be a macho macho man.

Despite not being a Mitchum Man, I’ve been using the Mitchum Fresh Wave Clear Gel Anti-Perspirant & Deodorant for the past few weeks. I don’t usually use anti-perspirants because I like it when my body perspires, because it’s the body’s way of cooling down and the glistening sweat makes me feel like a Chippendale dancer, except without the six-pack abs, bowtie, tight spandex pants, bulging biceps, slick hair, the ability to make women scream, a large package, and choreographed dance moves.

The first thing I noticed about the Fresh Wave Clear Gel was its scent. It has a nice clean and fresh scent, which smells kind of like a cologne. Because it’s a clear gel, Mitchum claims that it will not leave any traces on your clothing. So far, I have yet to see any residue, but then again, the Degree deodorant I used previously also didn’t leave any traces.

Mitchum also claims that because the Fresh Wave Clear Gel is alcohol-free, it won’t sting or irritate my skin. Fortunately, it didn’t sting, but I don’t know of any deodorant that does, except Crabs Deodorant. Unfortunately, it did irritate my skin after a few days of use, causing me to scratch my armpits once in awhile and then smelling them after I was done scratching.

Another problem I had was running out of the product too quickly. Most deodorants last me two or three months, but with the Mitchum Clear Gel, I’m on track to use it all up within a month. Although, I have to admit that might have been my fault since I put on deodorant in the morning and right before I go to bed.

Why do I need to put on deodorant right before I go to sleep? Well, just in case I forget to put some on in the morning or if I meet a hot chick in my dreams.


Item: Mitchum Fresh Wave Clear Gel
Purchase Price: $2.68
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Has a nice fresh scent. Didn’t leave residue on clothes. Alcohol-free. I’m not a Mitchum Man. My wedding sonnet (or haiku).
Cons: Product ran out too quickly. Caused armpit irritation. I’m not a macho macho man. My limited French.

Jamba Juice Orange Cherry Cheer

I hate to admit this, but I have a terrible fear of Starbucks.

I don’t know if it’s because of my fear of standing in long lines of grouchy people who could explode at any moment unless they get their caffeine fix or because of the urban legend that says, “For every thirteen Starbucks coffees sold, somewhere around the world a new Starbucks shop will unfold. Starbucks will continue to grow wherever there is a sign that says ‘For Lease.’ Starbucks will continue to grow until it can no longer increase.”

So instead of Starbucks, I end up at Jamba Juice, with its brightly colored decor, which makes you feel like you’re either inside of a rainbow, in an Old Navy advertisement, or you’ve been staring at a tie-dye shirt for too long.

I believe the unofficial slogan of Jamba Juice is, “All of the same prices and weird cup size names as Starbucks, but without the coffee-smelling farts.”

During my most recent trip to Jamba Juice, I noticed that they were offering their holiday flavors, Orange Cherry Cheer and Mighty Cherry Charger.

I picked up an Orange Cherry Cheer, with its cherries, freshly-squeezed orange juice, orange sherbet, soymilk and nonfat frozen yogurt. I decided to get it because I felt the brightly colored decor of the Jamba Juice didn’t make me cheery enough.

Also, in order to get in touch with my feminine side, I added a Femme Boost to my smoothie, which according to the Jamba Juice website:

Jamba’s Femme Boost combines folic acid to support a healthy nervous system, calcium for strong bones, iron for healthy blood, magnesium to support a healthy heartbeat, and hormone-balancing herbs & extracts to keep you cheery all year long. As an added bonus, soy isoflavones are blended in to support reproductive health and comfort, especially during and after menopause. So power up with Jamba’s Femme Boost and let your girl power prevail!

You go girl! I am woman, hear me roar! All the women who are independent, throw your hands up at me. All the honeys who makin’ money, throw your hands up at me. All the mommas who profit dollas, throw your hands up at me. All the ladies who truly feel me, throw your hands up at me.

Girl power!

The first thing I noticed about the Orange Cherry Cheer was the fact that it had more orange than cherry, but it had more cherry than cheer. Even with the hormone-balancing herbs & extracts in the Femme Boost, I still didn’t feel very cheery.

Maybe I wasn’t so cheery because I was picking chunks of cherry seeds off of my tongue much like how I would probably have to pick off pubic hair after going down on a hairy Hungarian hooker.

Despite the chunks of cherry seeds, I liked the taste of the Orange Cherry Cheer, it was kind of Orange Julius-ish. (I dare you to say Julius-ish five times in a row really fast.) Plus, no coffee-smelling farts.

(Editor’s Note: Here are a couple of things you can do to have fun with Jamba Juice employees. (1) When ordering, talk REALLY fast and be very fidgety, then ask if you can add an Energy Boost to your purchase, and then say, “I’ve been feeling really sluggish today.” (2) When the cashier asks you for your name, use different names every time. Mix it up. Use names of the opposite sex. Use foreign names. Use names with more than five syllables. Use names without any vowels. Be creative.)


Item: Jamba Juice Orange Cherry Cheer
Purchase Price: $4.55 (Original Size)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Orangy. Telling the Jamba Juice employee that your name is Rico Suave. No coffee-smelling farts. Femme Boost helped me get in touch with my feminine side.
Cons: Not so cheery. Chunks of cherry seeds. Weird cup size names. Starbucks will soon swallow the Earth.

November Prize Drawing!!!

It’s November, so you know what that means…Thanksgiving.

A time when we stuff our faces with turkey, stuffing, and pumpkin pie. Unless you’re vegetarian, then you might stuff your face with Tofurkey, a faux turkey made out of tofu. No matter how you stuff your face this Thanksgiving, one thing is for certain…leftovers.

Well two lucky Impulsive Buy readers will be storing and transporting their Thanksgiving leftovers in style because the Impulsive Buy is giving away two sets of the Hefty Serve ‘n Store plates and bowls.

Just remember to not microwave them.

November also means that Christmas is coming up. Is your office having a Secret Santa again this year and you want to give something better than the used Hillary Duff CD you gave away last year? The Impulsive Buy has got your back.

Another lucky Impulsive Buy reader will receive a copy of the book Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools. Of course, if you win it, make sure you read it before you re-gift it.

To enter this month’s prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with the words “TPS reports” in it and whatever else you would like to say.

Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, November 8, 2005 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, November 13, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States, US Military APOs, and Canada. (To the rest of the planet, I’m sorry.)

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about prescription drugs from Canada. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about seminars that will help turn you into a millionaire overnight. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, premature balding, or you not being able to find parking at the mall during Black Friday.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Charlie Kondek from Hass MS&L for sending me the Hefty Serve ‘n Store sets to give away and thanks to Adam Najberg, co-author of Stooples, for sending me a copy of his book to give away.)

Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools

OHHHH!

Oh yeah, baby!

OHHHH! OHHHH! YES!

Versatile Office Nipple Clips! That’s what I’m talking about!

OHHHH! OHHHH! OHHHH!

Me likey! Me likey!

OHHHH! OHHHH! OHHHH! YES! YES! OHHHHHHHHHH!

Me love you long time!

W-w-what? I’m sorry. I was having a quasi-product review blog editor’s wet dream. I get them after looking through product catalogs and finding a bunch of stuff I’d like to review. This time I was looking through Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools, a parody on office supply catalogs.

Office supply catalogs to a quasi-product review blog editor are like stolen Victoria’s Secret catalogs to creepy lonely men and Russian mail order bride catalogs to creepy old lonely men. We love looking through them, letting our imaginations run wild, and occasionally getting pages of a catalog stuck together.

Although, now that I think about it, here at the Impulsive Buy we hardly ever review office supplies and equipment. I believe we don’t review them because they’re kind of boring. Except for staple removers, which make decent S&M toys.

However, the selection in Stooples included many items that would easily cause any quasi-product review blog editor to cream in their pants. Some of my favorites included:

The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword for 49 cents

Description from Stooples: Now you can test this adage for yourself. Charge into battle wailing and flailing your pen against master swordsmen, knife-wielding psychos, manicurists with attitude and others armed with sharp weaponry. Not enough of a challenge? Take on Bloods and Crips, Peruvian rebel bases and Libya. Still not enough of a challenge? How ’bout I beat you upside the head with this book.

Versatile Office Nipple Clips for 39 cents

Description from Stooples: Many steel-tempered, nickel-plated binder clips are good for either gripping reports or clamping nipples, but never both. Until now. Our rectangular design holds paper, nipples, with equal efficiency and optimum compression. Durable grasp doesn’t weaken over time or tugging. Option: you may remove arms for permanent binding, but think carefully.

Typo Whip for $29.99

Description from Stooples: Teach your secretary the value of proofreading. Woven strands of correction tape form foot-long whip; allow on-the-spot disciplinary action for forgetting to spell-check. Punish letter-dropping, reverse wording and too much spacing. Horsewhip or cat-o’-nine tails.

Downsizing LSD (Layoff Soother & Depressant) for $29.99 per tablet

Description from Stooples: Delivering news about layoffs is no fun for anyone, but the last thing you need is an irate ex-employee chasing you around a desk with a letter opener. Downsizing LSD keeps things calm. Simply place in coffee (theirs, not yours) and within minutes they’re ready to hear anything. Closing entire office? Downsizing LSD tablets can be placed in company watercoolers. Employ 83% of the local workforce and now you’re moving the entire operation to Guatemala? Seed passing cloud formations with industrial strength LSD, pray for rain, run like hell. Also available: Human Resource Halcyon.

God, I would totally kill for The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword, and if I had The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword, I could use it to kill someone for The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword.

Of course, since Stooples is a parody of an office supply catalog, I can only dream of the stuff I could’ve reviewed — and then in the morning clean up whatever mess I made from dreaming.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Adam Najberg, a co-author of the book, for sending me a copy of Stooples. Perhaps this book will give office supply companies ideas and I hope that many of them come to fruition, especially The Pen That is Mightier Than the Sword, because there are a couple of swords I’d like to take down. I’m talking to you, Tommy Lee! Also, go check out the Stooples website.)


Item: Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Hilarious book. One of the best ways to give a quasi-product review blog editor a boner. Perfect for those who like to look at pretty pictures and not have a lot of words get in the way…or illiterate people.
Cons: Since none of the products can be ordered, it’s one of the best ways to give blue balls to a quasi-product review blog editor. I didn’t come up with the idea.