Sorry there will be no review today, as I make my way to the crowded shopping malls to do all my Christmas shopping.
I must prepare to fight with little old ladies for $5.99 DVDs; find ways to overcome my claustrophobia; try to find the perfect gift, but settle for gift cards; and sit on Santa’s lap and tell him what I REALLY want for Christmas is for him to take his hand off of my ass.
(Just a friendly tip for you Christmas shoppers. If there’s a valet service at the mall you’re going to, take advantage of that sucker, because it’s sooo worth it.)
Oh yeah, I pulled the winners for this month’s prize drawing yesterday. The three lucky winners will each receive one (1) box of Jello Oreo Instant Pudding.
Once upon a time there was a chocolate chip cookie named Chips Ahoy, who wondered if there was someone special out there for him. He had dated a few other chocolate chip cookies, like Mrs. Fields, but he felt they were too similar to him. Chips Ahoy wanted someone different, maybe someone with M&M’s or white chocolate chips, instead of the regular chocolate chips he had.
While standing out on the edge of the shelf one evening, he noticed someone on the shelf below him. Chips Ahoy knew that it wasn’t a chocolate chip cookie and decided to take a closer look. He climbed down to the shelf below and hid behind a box of graham crackers.
Chips Ahoy slowly peeked out from behind the box to take a look at the stranger.
“Oh my goodness,” Chips Ahoy thought to himself. “She’s beautiful.”
He couldn’t stop looking at her big round dark colored cookies and her lovely white creamy center.
Attracted to her beauty, Chips Ahoy came out from behind the graham crackers and walked towards the beautiful stranger.
“Excuse me,” he said to get her attention.
The beautiful stranger turned around and was surprised by the sight of Chips Ahoy. She had never seen a cookie that big before.
“Who are you?” she said as she stared at his crunchy body.
“I’m Chips Ahoy and I think you’re the most delicious cookie I’ve ever seen,” he exclaimed. “What’s your name?”
“M-m-my name is Oreo,” she said excitingly.
Oreo had never heard any other cookie say such a thing to her. His flattery made her heart flutter and she began to fall in love with Chips Ahoy.
He came closer to Oreo and whispered to her, “I have fallen for you and it appears you have fallen for me.”
“But…” she said, as she turned away from him. “As much as we adore each other, we can’t be together.”
Oreo knew that they could never be together, because it was taboo in the cookie world to mix. They would be looked down upon by not only the other Chips Ahoy and Oreos, but also the Fig Newtons, Nutter Butters, Teddy Grahams, and all the others.
“I don’t care what anyone else thinks,” Chips Ahoy said as he turned Oreo back towards him.
He looked intensely at her and said, “All that matters is what you and I think.”
Taken by his strong statement, Oreo led Chips Ahoy to a secluded area on the shelf, behind the Pepperidge Farms Goldfish.
Once they were safely hidden, Chips Ahoy grabbed Oreo and began passionately licking her white creamy center. Oreo had never felt anything so good before.
After a few minutes, Oreo wanted to return the favor, so she began nibbling on Chips Ahoy’s chocolate chips. Then things got really hot and heavy between the two of them and crumbs began flying everywhere.
(Editor’s Note: I could be explicit here, but I REALLY don’t want an NC-17 rating for this post. Besides it’s more fun if you use your imagination.)
After that night of passion, Oreo soon learned that she was pregnant.
For nine months, Chips Ahoy and Oreo were afraid of what their child would look like. But when it was born, it turned out to be a beautiful combination of each cookie. It had the creamy white center of Oreo, sandwiched between two smaller Chips Ahoy.
They quickly decided to name their child Chips Ahoy Cremewich.
Then just like a scene from Nature on PBS, they began eating their child.
They were surprised how good Chips Ahoy Cremewich tasted. It was damn good. So good that they wished they hooked up sooner. After they were done eating, they had more hot cookie sex and made more Chips Ahoy Cremewiches.
And that’s how the Chips Ahoy Cremewiches were created.
Item: Chips Ahoy Cremewiches Purchase Price: $4.99 Rating: 10 out of 10 Pros: Brings together the best of Oreos and Chips Ahoy. Damn good. Sometimes all you need is love. Cons: Formed from intercookie breeding (It seemed so wrong, but yet seemed so right).
The Impulsive Buy rarely ever reviews candy bars. Take a look at the archives. We’ve only reviewed the M-Azing candy bar.
Although, if you could see my ass, you would think I’ve reviewed a whole lot more.
To those of you who actually looked at the archives, you might have noticed the EcoBar we reviewed in September. All I have to say about that is, anything with the word “Eco” in it will never be considered a candy bar.
The other week, we were told about a new candy called Take 5 from Hershey’s. It contained the combination of pretzels, caramel, peanuts, peanut butter, and milk chocolate (Get it, five ingredients. Take 5.)
At first we didn’t believe it because we thought it was impossible to fit all of that into a candy bar. But then we thought if Star Jones could fit in her wedding dress, anything was possible.
I went to the convenience store down the street to see if they had Take 5 in stock. Fortunately, they did and they were 2 for $1.
(Get ready for the REALLY lame pun.)
The Take 5 were so cheap that I took four.
(Yeah, worse pun EVER!)
After opening the wrapper, I saw two chocolate-covered pieces about the same size as a pretzel. I took a bite out of one of the pieces and thought it was pretty good. All of the ingredients created a nice mixture of sweet and salty. They were so good, that if I ever wanted to turn into Star Jones, I would do it by eating a whole bunch of these.
Despite them being really good, there’s one thing that bothers me about the Take 5 and I’m going to direct my attention towards the last Take 5 I have.
Nougat is good enough for a 3 Musketeers, but it isn’t good enough for a Take 5?
I’m sorry almighty bar of milk chocolate, pretzels, caramel, peanuts, and peanut butter, you’re too good for nougat.
Also, why aren’t you showing any love for almonds, rice crisps, white chocolate, granola, and coconut?
Oh wait, screw coconut. I hate coconut.
Come on you’ve got peanut butter AND peanuts. Don’t you think that’s a little overkill?
Why can’t you have nougat and/or rice crisps and be called Take 6 or Take 7, huh?
Item: Hershey’s Take 5 Purchase Price: 2 for $1.00 (on sale) Rating: 8 out of 10 Pros: Surprisingly good. Nice mixture of sweet and salty. Nice mixture of crunchy and chewy. Cons: Hater. Where’s the nougat at?
Oh if only my 900 Mhz cordless phone could talk, imagine the stories it could tell.
All the telemarketers trying to sign me up for credit cards, companies asking me to take a survey that they say ONLY takes 15 minutes (but takes 45 minutes), arguments with my parents about getting a job, 1-900 numbers I found on various restroom walls, and the wrong numbers I got from the girls Iâ€™ve met at bars, nightclubs, and bookstores.
Unfortunately, that phone died the other week, after five long years. I think it was itâ€™s time to go, but I also think it was probably tired of hearing me utter the words, â€œWhat are you wearing, baby doll?â€
So I needed a new phone, but I didnâ€™t want something fancy (i.e. expensive). I just needed a cordless phone that can handle the rigors of excessive $3.50-for-the-first-minute-and-$1.50-for-each-additional-minute phone calls.
To find that phone I went to everyoneâ€™s favorite small-business-destroying everyday-low-prices behemoth (shudder) and came out with the V-Tech 5821 Phone With 5.8 Ghz Technology, which has to be the most unappealing name for a product ever.
Okay, not as unappealing as Anna Nicole Smithâ€™s Fat Drunken Trailer Trash Whore Kit (Now With 25% More Skank).
So whatâ€™s so special about a 5.8 Ghz phone? I could go into detail using whatever words â€œsmart science peopleâ€ use, but Iâ€™d be boring you with big words like â€œspectrum,â€ â€œfrequency,â€ and â€œwavelength.â€
Instead, Iâ€™m just going to say that the â€œsmart science peopleâ€ state that 5.8 Ghz phone technology will increase sound quality, enhanced range, and heightened security.
One of the best things about the V-Tech phone is the speakerphone on the handset. It comes in pretty handy when you REALLY donâ€™t want to listen to someone talk.
Just place the handset on the table and let them ramble about how their boyfriend/girlfriend sucks, how crazy the shopping malls are, how theyâ€™re addicted to every CSI show, and how Scott Peterson should be put in the electric chair, while being given a lethal injection in a gas chamber with flesh-eating beetles.
While they jibber jabber, do whatever you want (eat, watch television, read blogs, or play with your Anna Nicole Smithâ€™s Fat Drunken Trailer Trash Whore Kit), but just remember to say every so often any of the following phrases. â€œYes.â€ â€œUh huh.â€ â€œOkay.â€ â€œThatâ€™s funny.â€ â€œSay what?â€ â€œNo way.â€ â€œThat bitch.â€ â€œWhat are you wearing, baby doll?â€
Despite other great things about the phone, like the LCD screen and the buttons that light up, there were a few things that bothered me about it. For starters, the battery gets really warm while charging. Also, the sound quality isnâ€™t that great because those who I talked to say I sound like Iâ€™m in a hallway.
Plus, thereâ€™s no speed dial. Instead thereâ€™s a phone book feature that allows you to scroll through the various numbers saved on the phone. This has been proven to be a pain when quickly scrolling through the phone book and accidentally dialing 1-900-BIG-BLND, when I really wanted 1-900-BIG-BRUN.
Thereâ€™s a big difference, you know.
Item: V-Tech 5821 Phone With 5.8 Ghz Technology Purchase Price: $53.72 (Everyday Low Price) Rating: 6 out of 10 Pros: Speakerphone on handset. LCD screen. Buttons that light up. Cons: Battery gets warm when charging. When talking, it sounds like Iâ€™m in a hallway. No speed dial.
(Editorâ€™s Note: Today at the Impulsive Buy weâ€™re posting another Guest Review, because today weâ€™re REALLY lazy to do our own and we weâ€™re traumatized by a scene in the new movie â€œSidewaysâ€ where a naked old man runs down the street with his unit flopping all over the place. Shudder. Anyway, todayâ€™s guest review is by Mai, who is the author of the blog Create Something Beautiful::Make Art. Enjoy.)
I usually don’t like those flavored water beverages, but when it comes to lemonade and its ilk, I can’t resist.
Thereâ€™s something about the tartness and the sweetness blended to perfection. Now I understand when guys say they want a â€˜sweet girl,â€™ but still chase the chick in the mini-skirt.
Anyway, my mom’s been buying these Vintage Fruit Refreshers for months, and even though they have lots of flavors (Peach Citrus, Strawberry Kiwi, Cherry Lime, etc.), the lemonade is the one I usually swipe from the bag before she puts them into the trunk of the car.
Theyâ€™re really good, considering they’re calorie free, caffeine free, sugar free, zero carbs water drinks.
It maybe water, but they come in colors. The last time I checked, drinking water does not come in colors, except possibly brown in third world countries.
But the color comes in handy, because with regular clear water, glasses can get mixed up and you might be drinking the water from someoneâ€™s glass you REALLY donâ€™t want drink from. Cooties can be spread that way, ya know. With the Vintage Fruit Refreshers, you donâ€™t have that problem.
They also make the ideal drink to have around the house when your kids want something besides water. Well, it’s water, but… Forget it.
You may not think it wonâ€™t taste good because itâ€™s water, but when you actually taste it, you’ll be pleasantly surprised. I let my friend taste the Peach Citrus flavor just the other day, and she’s now hooked.
Her exact words were, “I could get down on that Peach one.” Whatever that means.
The lemonade totally kicks its butt.
As far as getting them, I usually end up shopping with my mother, just so I can get one. I haven’t actually seen which aisle they’re in; they seem to magically appear in the shopping cart.
But once they’re in the cart, I’m glad theyâ€™re there. Yum.
Item: Vintage Fruit Refreshers Purchase Price: 2 for $1.19 Rating: 4 out of 5 Pros: No calories or carbs (if you care). Two sizes (20 oz, 1 liter). Lots of flavors to choose from, but the lemonade flavor is addicting. It has colors, so you know the difference without sipping from 3 different cups. Cons: Can’t find the right aisle, so I have to shop with my mom to get them. Has an aftertaste.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And theyâ€™re like, â€œIt’s better than yours.â€
Damn right it’s better than yours,
I can teach youâ€¦
Okay, I think this review is off to a bad start. Letâ€™s try againâ€¦
Milkshakes make my mouth modulate mindlessly monthly.
Okay, the alliteration idea is lame. Let me try againâ€¦
Okay, this isn’t working out very well. Oh screw it!
Nestle Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake. It’s not a chocolate milkshake, it’s chocolate milk that supposed to taste like a chocolate milkshake. Itâ€™s not bad, but doesnâ€™t really taste like a chocolate milkshake. A milkshake is waaaay better. I can make a better milkshake. Damn right itâ€™s better than theirs. Contains calcium and vitamins A & D. Donâ€™t forget to shake well. I can finally recycle that damn Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake bottle.
Now that the review is out of the way, itâ€™s time to announce this monthâ€™s prize drawing.
Hmmâ€¦What shall I give away this month?
I could give away Gmail accounts, but who DOESNâ€™T have a Gmail account by now. Google passes out invitations like they were Ecstasy at a rave.
Wait, I got it.
This month, the Impulsive Buy will be giving away three (3) boxes of Jello Oreo Instant Pudding, which we reviewed last month. There will be three winners, who will each receive one (1) box.
If you havenâ€™t read the review, I basically say Jello Oreo Instant Pudding is perfect for licking off of most body parts.
To enter the drawing, just leave a comment for THIS review. Also, so that we donâ€™t seem like comment whores, you can also enter by sending us an email with the phrase â€œJello Oreoâ€ in the subject field.
If you leave a comment, donâ€™t forget to fill out the email field, because we will be emailing winners for their mailing addresses. Donâ€™t worry about the shipping, we will take care of that.
We will start accepting entries for the drawing on December 15, 2004. We will stop accepting entries on December 19, 2004 at 11:59 pm (Hawaii Standard Time). Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is only open to those in the United States and Canada.
Entries will be stuffed intoâ€¦Umâ€¦Letâ€™s see what containers we have.
Oh! They will be stuffed into the Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake bottle I just picked out from the recycle bin. Winning entries will be drawn from this bottle and will probably smell likeâ€¦
(Opens bottle and takes a sniff)
Oooh, thatâ€™s nasty. It will probably smell like spoiled Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake.
For those of you whoâ€™ve never won anything before, hereâ€™s your chance to finally to win. Thereâ€™s no need for performance enhancing drugs.
Fine Print: We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about some drug that you donâ€™t know how to pronounce the name of. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you offers for free issues of Business Week and Sports Illustrated. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for lost mail.
Item: Nestle Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake Purchase Price: $1.99 (on sale) Rating: 3 out of 5 Pros: Kind of good. Calcium. Vitamins A & D. I can finally get rid of the empty Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake bottle thatâ€™s been sitting on my desk for weeks (Okay, not until the drawing is over). Cons: Doesnâ€™t really taste like a chocolate milkshake.