Bear Creek Ready to Serve Chicken Noodle Soup

(Editor’s Note: Welcome to the last day of Sick Week here at the Impulsive Buy. Sick Week was just like being actually sick. It lasted longer than it should’ve, medication could’ve only given temporary relief of how crappy it was, and it was something you wouldn’t want to share with anyone. Enjoy.)

Being the extremely desperate eligible bachelor that I am, I usually have the urge to pass on the option of using plates, bowls, or utensils, because I hate getting dishpan hands and I’m afraid I might accidently use my New Kids on the Block commemorative ceramic plates, which would lower their value, except the Danny Wood plate since it never had any value to begin with.

Trying not use any dishes or utensils isn’t difficult. It definitely doesn’t come close to being as hard as my quest to become a Pokemon champion or Paris Hilton’s quest to find pets ugly enough to make her look decent.

Almost any body part can be used as either a plate, bowl, or utensil. My thighs make great plates whenever I’m sitting down and eating toast, my pointer finger and middle finger make good chopsticks, and a cupped hand makes a decent shot glass.

I call my dish-less technique, “medieval-like efficiency.” My mom calls it laziness. My ex-girlfriend probably called it “Oh-You-Are-So-Dumped.”

However, there are foods out there that force me to use dishes or utensils, like soup.

Sure I could open up a can of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup, but how would I heat it up without using a pot and how can I prevent my lips from getting cut on the rim of the soup can when I don’t want to use a spoon?

Thank goodness for the Bear Creek Ready to Serve Chicken Noodle Soup, which comes in bag that allows me to continue my plate-less bachelor lifestyle, so I don’t have to wash any dishes and it gives me more time to weep over the fact that I’m bachelor.

The instructions were so simple and the microwaveable bag was so easy to eat out of that it might make others want to experience medieval-like efficiency. Just cut off the top of the bag, heat the bag in the microwave for 3.5 to 4 minutes, let it sit for a minutes to cool, and just pour the delicious soup into your mouth. It’s so simple that even a heiress to a hotel empire who buys ugly pets could do it.

The hearty noodles, chunks of vegetables, and big chunks of chicken were filling. The broth was pretty tasty. It definitely wasn’t like some pussy Campbell’s chicken noodle soup. Although, the soup was high in sodium, but then again, just like Christmas shoppers waiting forever in long lines, all packaged soups are salty.

Item: Bear Creek Ready to Serve Chicken Noodle Soup
Purchase Price: $3.99
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Hearty chicken, noodles, and vegetables. Microwavable bag. Can eat it straight from the bag. No need for a bowl or a spoon. Great for medieval-like efficient people.
Cons: Bag might need to be trimmed more for smaller microwaves. High in sodium. The value of my Danny Wood New Kids on the Block commemorative ceramic plate.

SudaCare Shower Soothers

(Editor’s Note: Welcome to Day Two of Cold Week here at the Impulsive Buy. Just to let you know, I was sick at home the other week, hence the cold products to review this week. The product for today’s review was suggested by Impulsive Buy reader, Josh, who was curious to know if today’s product worked after seeing a commercial for it on television.

I also sometimes am curious about a product after seeing its commercial, like those UPS “What can brown do for you?” ads. When I see them I wonder stuff like, “Can brown deliver a pizza to me?” or “Can brown sharpen my pencils?” or “Can brown defeat hot dog eating champion Takeru Kobayashi?”)

Depending on whether you’re hungry or full, each SudaCare Shower Soothers tablet either looks like a gigantic blue Smarties or a big Alka-Seltzer.

However, unlike Smarties and Alka-Seltzer, the Shower Soothers aren’t meant to be consumed orally. Instead they work by using the stream of water from your shower to turn that big blue tablet into soothing vapors of eucalyptus, menthol, and camphor to give you temporary comfort when you’re congested.

It basically can clear your sinuses much like a Halls drop, a bowl of spicy curry, or sitting in the restroom stall next to the Incredible Hulk while he’s taking a crap.

The Shower Soothers are produced by every 70-year-old horndog’s friend, Pfizer, which explains the blue color and my urge to get it on with Estelle Getty. Each tablet lasts for about five minutes in the shower, which is about four minutes longer than I would last if I got it on with Estelle Getty.

While using the product in the shower, I could smell the eucalyptus, menthol, and camphor vapors, but they weren’t as powerful as I hoped they would be.

A few minutes after stepping out of the shower, there was this warm soothing feeling on my chest and upper back. It felt like someone rubbed Ben Gay on me or like Estelle Getty passed out on top of me after making sweet, sweet love.

Unfortunately, the Shower Soothers didn’t help with my congested nose, congested chest, or my penile dysfunction. I think a Halls drop does a much better job.

The Shower Soothers may have not worked for me, but I think the eucalyptus in it would be great for koalas who want to create a eucalyptus vapor chamber to get high.

Item: SudaCare Shower Soothers
Purchase Price: $5.38 (3-pack)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Looks like a gigantic blue Smarties. Tablet lasts for about five minutes in the shower. Warm soothing feeling after stepping out of the shower. Eucalyptus might be enjoyed by koalas.
Cons: Faint vapors. A Halls drop can do a better job. Sitting in the stall next to the Incredible Hulk.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Um, Sick Week will continue next week, because I kind of forgot that it’s Thanksgiving Week. Plus, I’m flying to Los Angeles today and I’ll be there until Sunday. But I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving and let everyone know that tryptophan is your friend. Don’t fight it, invite it.

Oh, for those of you in other countries who don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, Happy (insert your country’s closest recognized holiday)!

If you need a review fix, I’ve started something at the OTHER blog called Haiku Review. The products used for the Haiku Review are ones that won’t be reviewed here at the Impulsive Buy, either because I’m lazy or they were the losers in my product elections. (Hmm…I haven’t had one of those in awhile.)

Anyway, once again, Happy Thanksgiving!

Campbell’s Select Gold Label Roasted Red Pepper & Tomato Soup

(Editor’s Note: Welcome to Cold Week here at the Impulsive Buy. This week the Impulsive Buy will be reviewing products that you can use whenever you catch a cold. They are also products that you might want to think about putting in your shopping cart, just in case you’re pretending to be sick and you happen to run into your boss at the grocery store.)

God, I can’t find the hole!

Where’s the damn hole?

I can’t get it into the hole!

Why does this always happen to me? I can’t get it in the hole when I play golf. Can’t get the small straw into the hole of boxed juices. I can’t even get it into the right hole when I’m with a woman.

Now I can’t find the hole for this box of Campbell’s Select Gold Label Roasted Red Pepper & Tomato Soup. I’m so bad with getting things into holes, I’m surprised that I get food into my piehole.

Actually, now that I think about it, maybe it isn’t like a boxed juice and there isn’t a hole in the soup box. I guess if there was a hole, the Campbell’s Select Gold Label soup would’ve came with one of those rinky-dink boxed juice straws that makes my hands look really big and makes men with really small penises feel better about themselves.

Since there wasn’t a hole and I was hungry for soup, there was only one way I could think of to get some soup in my belly…Make my own hole and suck it up, shotgun-style. Woo!!!

Unfortunately, boxed soup tastes better when heated up and the chunks of roasted red peppers clogged up the hole I made with a small Phillips screwdriver.

After making the hole bigger and being disappointed about not being able to get the soup through the hole I originally made, I poured the rest of the soup into a pot and warmed it up over medium heat.

(Editor’s Note: Hey, remember the show Alice? I remember this one episode where a customer came into Mel’s Diner and asked if a cup of hot water was free. Mel said it was and gave him a cup of hot water. Then the customer asked if the ketchup was free. Mel said it was and gave him a bottle of ketchup. Then the customer pours the free ketchup into the free cup of hot water and makes free tomato soup. HA! That was such a classic!)

The warmed-up Campbell’s Select Gold Label Roasted Red Pepper & Tomato Soup was pretty tasty. The chipotle peppers in the soup gave it a very mild kick, but it wasn’t as even close to being spicy hot as some of the other products I’ve had with chipotle peppers.

I hate to say this, but even a drunk Anna Nicole Smith was hotter than this soup.

Well at least the soup doesn’t have the preservatives and artificial flavors like a drunk Anna Nicole Smith does. Also, unless Anna Nicole gets drunk off of Bloody Maries, the soup will also gives me a serving of vegetables.

However, with 870 milligrams of sodium per serving, the Campbell’s Select Gold Label Roasted Red Pepper & Tomato Soup is just as salty as a drunk Anna Nicole.

(Editor’s Note: Congratulations to Pel, Meg, and TaikoG for being selected as the winners of this month’s prize drawing. Pel and Meg will each receive a Hefty Serve ‘n’ Store plate and bowl set, which they can use, wash, reuse, and repeat. TaikoG will receive a copy of the book Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools, which TaikoG can either read and keep, or read and re-gift. Thank you to all who participated.

Item: Campbell’s Select Gold Label Roasted Red Pepper & Tomato Soup
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. No preservatives and artificial flavors. 4 grams of dietary fiber. Low fat.
Cons: Not as spicy as I hoped with the chipotle peppers. No hole for straw. Hard to shotgun. A drunk Anna Nicole Smith is hotter than the soup. My inability to put things in holes. 870 milligrams of sodium per serving.

Arizona Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot

I want to thank Arizona Beverage Company for creating such a courteous energy drink.

Usually energy drinks have designs that look like things that probably appear in Kate Moss’ head after doing a few lines of coke, but Arizona Beverage Company had the courtesy to put a big, bold caution label on its Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot, letting everyone know that it may suck big time.

So does it suck?

It sucks hard, but not as hard as you think.

It’s got most of the energy goodness of regular energy drinks, like B vitamins, taurine, ribose, carnitine, ginseng, inositol, guarana, and 100 milligrams of sweet, succulent caffeine, but it didn’t seem to give me the ass-slapping jolt that I’ve gotten with regular energy drinks.

The lack of ass slapping might’ve been from the fact that the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot is lightly carbonated, so it’s easy going down, like water, a flat lemon-lime soda, or the TV show Joey after drinking extreme amounts of alcohol.

Or it could’ve been the cocaine-looking Splenda, which apparently has the power to take out the “extreme” in the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot. Damn you, Splenda! You are the bane of my existence! You are the thread that unravels the seam of my shirt! You are the drunken Tara Reid of my celebrity party!

The Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot has a slightly weak medicine taste, but it’s also got a weak fruit juice taste, thanks to the 3 percent pear, apple, and peach juice it contains. Peach juice? God, they’re making juice out of everything. Damn you, Jack LaLanne and your Power Juicer!

Another thing that was weak about the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot was the size of the 8.3-ounce can. This small can was a surprising departure from the usual 23.5-ounce cans that Arizona Beverage Company uses for most of their products, which sell for 99 cents. But again, the big caution label on the front of the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot can was probably also warning me about the size of it.

If only other products would have the courtesy to put big, bold caution labels on its packaging, it would probably save me and you a whole lot of time and money.

For example, imagine having a warning on a Britney Spears CD.

Caution: This CD may cause your daughters to see Britney as a role model, when she definitely shouldn’t be; settle for an ambition-less husband, who won’t get a job; and make them say “y’all” way too much.

Item: Arizona Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Warning label, letting me know that it’s going to suck. 100% of your daily allowance of Vitamin C. 100 mg of sweet, sweet caffeine. Low calorie, fat, carbs, and sugar. Goes down easy.
Cons: Watery taste. Splenda. Weird aftertaste. Only 3 percent juice.

Mitchum Fresh Wave Clear Gel

If your only real fear is commitment, you’re a Mitchum Man.

Nope…Women fear committing to me and I fear snakes, women with large Adam’s Apples, and shopping malls with free boy band concerts.

If you’ve ever eaten tortilla chip crumbs off your shirt, you’re a Mitchum Man.

No, I usually dust those onto the floor and then suck them up with my vacuum. However, on several occasions I’ve licked up nacho cheese from my shirt so it wouldn’t stain. Also, I’ve always wanted to eat sushi off of a naked woman.

If you never forget your protection, you’re a Mitchum Man.

I’ve forgotten my protection a few times. Thank goodness I shoot blanks and no child has ever walked up to me and called me “daddy.”

If they look real enough to you, you’re a Mitchum Man.

Um… Real. Fake. Flat. Perky. Saggy. One nipple pointing towards the sky and the other one pointing to the ground. I’ll take them however I can.

If you didn’t have anything to do with planning your wedding, you’re a Mitchum Man.

No, I will plan everything for my wedding. I want my wedding ceremony to be on top of a grassy hill, with only close relatives and friends. We will all be lifted there by helicopter. My bride and I will write each other beautiful sonnets (or haiku, if I’m lazy) expressing our love and dedication. Then we will release a hundred white doves into the sky, which will probably take over the native bird population and cause larger bird poop splats on cars.

If you ever fantasized about a hotel maid, you’re a Mitchum Man.

Um, I don’t know what hotels you go to, but from all the hotels I’ve been to, I have yet to see ONE hot hotel maid or one under the age of 50.

If Menage a Trois is the only french term you know, you’re a Mitchum Man.

I not only know Menage a Trois, I can also count to ten in French, and say “Dans mon pays on utilise le vagin en premier,” which translates to, “In my country it’s customary to try the vagina first.”

Hmm…Well I guess I don’t qualify as a Mitchum Man, but then again I should’ve known, because according to the Village People, I also don’t qualify to be a macho macho man.

Despite not being a Mitchum Man, I’ve been using the Mitchum Fresh Wave Clear Gel Anti-Perspirant & Deodorant for the past few weeks. I don’t usually use anti-perspirants because I like it when my body perspires, because it’s the body’s way of cooling down and the glistening sweat makes me feel like a Chippendale dancer, except without the six-pack abs, bowtie, tight spandex pants, bulging biceps, slick hair, the ability to make women scream, a large package, and choreographed dance moves.

The first thing I noticed about the Fresh Wave Clear Gel was its scent. It has a nice clean and fresh scent, which smells kind of like a cologne. Because it’s a clear gel, Mitchum claims that it will not leave any traces on your clothing. So far, I have yet to see any residue, but then again, the Degree deodorant I used previously also didn’t leave any traces.

Mitchum also claims that because the Fresh Wave Clear Gel is alcohol-free, it won’t sting or irritate my skin. Fortunately, it didn’t sting, but I don’t know of any deodorant that does, except Crabs Deodorant. Unfortunately, it did irritate my skin after a few days of use, causing me to scratch my armpits once in awhile and then smelling them after I was done scratching.

Another problem I had was running out of the product too quickly. Most deodorants last me two or three months, but with the Mitchum Clear Gel, I’m on track to use it all up within a month. Although, I have to admit that might have been my fault since I put on deodorant in the morning and right before I go to bed.

Why do I need to put on deodorant right before I go to sleep? Well, just in case I forget to put some on in the morning or if I meet a hot chick in my dreams.

Item: Mitchum Fresh Wave Clear Gel
Purchase Price: $2.68
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Has a nice fresh scent. Didn’t leave residue on clothes. Alcohol-free. I’m not a Mitchum Man. My wedding sonnet (or haiku).
Cons: Product ran out too quickly. Caused armpit irritation. I’m not a macho macho man. My limited French.