Every year, post-Halloween, I see lists of peoples’ least favorite candies.

For some reason Whoppers always crack the list. I don’t get it. Even if you aren’t a huge fan of these “malted milk balls,” don’t you like a little variety? What’s wrong with a couple malt(ed milk) balls mixed in with the rest of your haul? (Don’t you dare simply refer to them as “Malt balls!”)

I’m actually surprised Whoppers are even still around. They feel like a candy of yesteryear. We as a culture just don’t seem to appreciate malt anymore. When was the last time anyone under the age of ancient ordered a malted milkshake?

Speaking of, the fine folks at Hershey seem to think people still have a hankering for them with their release of Vanilla Milkshake Whoppers. I’ve always been a fan of the originals, and dug the Strawberry Milkshake Whoppers a good deal, so I snatched two of these cartons as soon as I saw them.

Upon ripping open said carton I was met with a vanilla scent that got masked quickly by the smell of cardboard. Once I poured the contents into a glass, they regained their pleasant vanilla smell. 

The waxy outer coating had a “white chocolatey” flavor. I know it’s vanilla but it tasted like white chocolate to me. Let’s be real, there’s not THAT big a difference between the two anyway. Whether you taste vanilla or white chocolate, the flavor really doesn’t last long enough to make a major impact. This is a common theme among malt(ed milk) balls in my opinion. 

After talking them up, allow me to knock Whoppers down a peg.

I don’t really like to chew on Whoppers. I feel like I immediately lose the outer flavor once I bite into the malt center. Malt is an overpowering taste. I much prefer to suck on Whoppers instead of biting them. I absolutely hate that previous sentence and didn’t want to write it, but hey, that’s how I like my Whoppers.

That being said, if you allow about ten Whoppers to melt in your mouth, the gritty texture of the ball itself starts to do a number on your tongue. This has always been my knock on them. Either you chew them and get that rock hard sugar stuck in your molars, or you suck them and get Cap’n Crunch mouth.

Still, letting them melt was the best way to really enjoy that outer “vanilla” flavor. The thing about Whoppers is that no matter the coating, the strongest taste will always be the malt itself. Just to test my theory I had a few chocolate Whoppers left over from Halloween, and it checked out. Once I chomped down it was just a maltfest.

And while I prefer not to chew them, I absolutely LOVE those weird chewy runt Whoppers that inevitably sneak into each batch. You guys know what I’m talking about? There are always one or two pieces that are smaller than the rest. Sometimes half the ball is caved in on itself. To me they’re like the bonus onion ring in an order of fries. I had three of those that had the texture of a Tootsie Roll and they were the MVPs of the carton.

I may have actually liked Vanilla Milkshake more than the chocolate originals. The jury is still out. They’re certainly better than those Easter Whoppers Robin’s Eggs. 

Hershey should team with Burger King on these somehow, because I subliminally wanted a Whopper and a vanilla shake by the time I was done.

(Nutrition Facts – 18 pieces – 200 calories, 70 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 7 grams of sat fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 27 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein..)

Purchased Price: $2.22
Size: 10 oz. carton
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Solid white chocolatey/vanilla flavor while it lasts. Super fresh malted milk ball centers. Milk carton packaging. Might be better than the original. The chewy runts of the Whopper litter.
Cons: Malt overpowers outer flavor. Scratches up tongue/roof of mouth if sucked on. Gets plastered in teeth if chewed. Gateway to wanting Burger King. Where have all the malts gone?