REVIEW: Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco

Jeff 27 Comments

Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco

I imagine the executives in the Taco Bell wing of Yum! Brands sitting in their secret think tank. The foreboding hidden base is heavily fortified by seven layers of sour cream, guacamole, seasoned rice, beans, cheese, and tomatoes. Security guards armed with squirt bottles filled with “Fire” sauce ready to squeeze into the face of any unwelcome visitors.

Preening and fretting in their dark tailored suits, the executives were going over the 3rd quarter sales while trying to figure out the next big thing. “We need something that will put us at the Gorditop!” shouted Mr. CEO. “We need the public to get Chalupexcited again!!”

“I sure love Doritos,” said Executive One as he mowed in such sloppy fashion, leaving orange fingerprints on the papers he shuffled. Narrowing his eyes, Executive Three had an idea. She scribbled her notes in a frantic manner as everyone at the long conference table stared at her.

While clearing her throat, she asked, “What if we joined with Frito-Lay and asked them to make a big ass Doritos taco shell?” The silence was uncomfortable as everyone’s eyes now laid on Mr. CEO. More awkward silence and Executive Three began to wonder if the position at Taco Viva was still available.

“Get me Frito-Lay!” Mr. CEO gruffly said into the intercom. “…And give Executive Three the keycard to the grand executive bathroom with the chaise lounge! Begin phase one of our Meximeltamaster plan!” (Cue brooding evil music)

That is how I imagine the origins of the Doritos Locos Tacos began, but I am sure that it is much more mundane. I love Taco Bell. I love Doritos. Not since the team up of Marvel and DC comics in the late 90’s where they gave birth to joint character, “Access”, have I been looking forward to a shared creation.

Taco Bell and Frito-Lay should be commended. I am sure amongst the egos, logistics, and red tape; both companies eloquently persevered through all of it. And unlike the maligned superhero “Access”, I suspect that this product will prove to be popular with the consumers out there. I mean it’s a freaking taco with a nacho cheese Doritos shell. Gluttony be damned, this thing is tasty to put it directly.

Now we all know that Taco Bell has recently encountered controversy whether the beef is real. Coupled with the “pink slime” stories making the rounds at news outlets, some of you may still be put off by the idea. Look it’s Taco Bell, it’s the handjobs of food. We’re not talking about a meal worthy of Michelin stars or a dissertation of what the “chef” thought about when creating this. It’s Taco Bell and if you don’t like at least one item from the dependable Bell, you have no soul.

Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco Box

Excited I rode my scooter up to the drive-thru and bought the handy Doritos Locos Tacos big box. Each kit contains a burrito supreme, normal taco and a Doritos Locos taco (sauce packets not included so get out of your introverted shell and ask). By the way, is it me or don’t you love the way they are simplifying things and just handing you a box?

Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco Inside Box

Anyhoolies, the Doritos Locos Taco is basically a taco supreme dressed up in a giant Doritos chip. It’s akin to exchanging your shorts and Stereolab t-shirt for a pair of Banana Republic boot cut jeans and a black blazer. So if you do not like Taco Bell or their taco (you soulless bastard) then this item is not going to persuade you to turn.

Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco Sleeve

The wrapping of the taco is decorated with bold typeface proclaiming things such as “Awesome!” and “Doritos!” It put a tingle in my reconstructed metal reinforced spine. Tossing the paper, I am greeted by the smells of alpha male beefiness that is tempered by the crisp scent of lettuce. My urge to ravish this taco was uncontrollable but first I had to remove the additional wrap that said “Taco Bell on the inside. Doritos on the outside.” Yes, voice in my head, I will do your bidding.

The richness of the beef in the taco sauce balanced extremely well with the generous amount of crunchy shreds of lettuce. The tomato bits were slightly sweet and added a necessary acidic touch. Additionally the cold milky sour cream is pleasant with the warm taco meat. I don’t know if it is real sour cream or something made in the back with powder, Taco Bell’s sour cream is aces. If I could buy the sour cream, I would and brush my teeth with it.

The cheddar cheese scattered in the taco didn’t really do much for me on its own. It was on the lettuce so it’s not melted and the bits are so thin, it was almost flavorless. A taco, however, is a complete package. Unless you are psychopath, no one deconstructs a taco and eats each part separately. The cheese makes its personality known when you eat everything as a whole, as it accentuated the creaminess in texture.

Be careful, my taco fell apart after a couple of bites. Sometimes the sauce will soak through the shell and the end result is messy. The filling slathered my hands like the worst but most delicious lotion ever.

The nacho cheese Doritos shell adds a slight punch of saltiness to the taco that gives it a satisfying full mouth flavor. The shell alone has a slight smoky flavor that lends well to the taco. This is not a gimmick alone, the shell makes a difference. The shades of salt and vinegar from the nacho Doritos shell compliment the taco very well.

I bought the taco twice from two different Taco Bell locations to ensure consistency and taste. They were both identical and damn yummy. One notable drawback is if you wait too long to eat the taco, it will get soggy within its package. That’s not the fault of Taco Bell, it is only natural that occurs.

I believe these should be available at Taco Bell’s near you as most of the ones around me carry it. The Doritos Locos Taco is pure sadomasochistic joy joy for your tongue. The wrapper says “Celebrate Awesomeness” and yes, every time you bite into one of these you are doing just that.

(Nutrition facts – 1 taco – 200 calories, 11 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 370 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugars, and 9 grams of protein.)

Other Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco reviews:
Tampa Bay Food Monster
That Bootleg Guy
The Smidview
An Immovable Feast

Item: Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco
Price: $1.79 just for the taco or $5.00 for the box (which includes a normal taco and burrito supreme)
Size: N/A
Purchased: Taco Bell
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: The Doritos shell adds depth and flavor. It’s Taco Bell, so you know what to expect if you like them. Great texture. All the tastes balance extremely well. Gimmick or not, this taco is delicious. Darkclaw.
Cons: Soggy if you don’t eat it right away. It’s Taco Bell, so you know what to expect if you do not like them. Unhealthy but you have to live once in a while. Falls apart at times. Access.

REVIEW: Burger King Crispy Chicken Snack Wraps (Honey Mustard and Ranch)

Marvo 13 Comments

Update 8/25/23: This is a review of the previous wraps Burger King offered. If you want a review of the BK Royal Crispy Wrap, click here.

I just spent the last hour reading about trademarks on Wikipedia and the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) website. While staring at pages that had very little pictures, I learned about “trade dress” and “trade dilution.” However, I didn’t learn why Burger King can offer their new Ranch and Honey Mustard Crispy Chicken Snack Wraps when McDonald’s was first to offer Ranch and Honey Mustard Snack Wraps and owns the “Snack Wrap” trademark.

Well, I don’t know whether McDonald’s really owns the trademark because while using the USPTO’s Trademark Electronic Search System (TESS) I learned McDonald’s registered the Snack Wrap trademark in 2007, but also learned they abandoned the trademark in 2007. To be honest, I don’t know what any of that means.

Also, to be honest, I didn’t really spend an hour learning about trademarks. For 15 minutes I read about trademarks, got extremely bored, spent five minutes reading a Wikipedia entry about parkour, then wasted 15 minutes watching European parkour videos on YouTube, followed by six minutes of attempting parkour, and then spent 19 minutes on the ground in pain after tripping on a fence I tried to jump over.

But let’s not dwell on my poor athletic ability, but instead focus on whose Snack Wraps are better: McDonald’s or Burger King.

A McDonald’s Snack Wrap brings together one of their Chicken Selects Premium Breast Strips with shredded lettuce, a shredded cheddar and Monterey Jack cheese blend, either McDonald’s ranch or honey mustard sauce, and a flour tortilla. Burger King’s Snack Wraps combine seven lettuces, one of their new Chicken Strips, a three-cheese medley, and either Ken’s Ranch Dressing or Ken’s Honey Mustard Dressing in a white flour tortilla.

Who’s Ken?

This is Ken.

After pulling out the Burger King Snack Wraps from their paper wrapping, I was surprised by how small they were. They were shorter than McDonald’s Snack Wraps. Because of their size, I felt the $2.29 I paid for each was a slight ripoff. Of course, here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, we tend to have higher prices for things, so you’ll probably pay less than I did. But even at two dollars, these are still a little pricey since I pay $1.49 for a McDonald’s Snack Wrap.

Maybe it’s pricier because of the seven lettuces Burger King stuffed into each Snack Wrap. Or, in other words, it takes more green to make these Snack Wraps more green.

I’m sorry for the previous sentence.

However, in both Snack Wraps I purchased, I only counted only two different leafy vegetables. Mind you, I only know of three lettuces: dark green, light green, and red. However, even those two were a colorful step better than McDonald’s one iceberg lettuce. As for the cheese, it didn’t seem to do much to enhance the flavor and the flour tortilla was just like the one McDonald’s offers. I would like to say it would’ve been nice if the tortilla was warmed up.

The chicken strip in the Burger King Snack Wraps had a pleasant crispy exterior, but the meat inside was dry and a little tough. The chicken was marinated, and I could taste some of it while mowing through each Snack Wrap, but most of the Snack Wrap’s flavor comes from Ken’s dressings, which were tastier than their McDonald’s counterparts. Ken’s Honey Mustard had a stronger flavor and more mustard spiciness, while Ken’s Ranch Dressing was mild, but it still made the McDonald’s ranch sauce taste a little watered down.

So if I had to choose between Burger King’s and McDonald’s Snack Wraps, which would I choose? I’d have to pick the McDonald’s Snack Wraps, because their flavors aren’t vastly inferior compared with BK’s Snack Wraps, they’re cheaper, I have the option of getting grilled chicken, and they have fewer calories, fat, saturated fat, and sodium.

Update: Grilled chicken is now being offered. Grilled chicken was not available when this review was posted.

How much less do they have?

The McDonald’s Crispy Honey Mustard Snack Wrap has 330 calories, 15 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, and 700 milligrams of sodium, while the Burger King Crispy Chicken Honey Mustard Snack Wrap has 390 calories, 21 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, and 990 milligrams of sodium.

Overall, Burger King’s Snack Wraps are a tasty addition to the menu, even though they’re pretty much photocopied versions of McDonald’s Snack Wraps.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 snack wrap – Honey Mustard – 390 calories, 21 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 990 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of sugar, and 12 grams of protein. Ranch – 370 calories, 21 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,060 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of sugar, and 12 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Crispy Chicken Snack Wraps (Honey Mustard and Ranch)
Price: $2.29 each
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Honey Mustard)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Ranch)
Pros: Really good Ken’s Honey Mustard. Decent Ken’s Ranch. Crispy chicken exterior. Watching parkour videos on YouTube. Vegetation variety.
Cons: Pricey. No grilled chicken option. More calories, fat, and sodium than McDonald’s Snack Wraps. Chicken meat was dry and a little tough. Photocopied versions of McDonald’s Snack Wraps. Learning about trademarks is boring.

NEWS: Jones Soda To Release Au Naturel Sparkling Water In Plastic Bottles

Marvo 2 Comments

Jones Soda has never been sold in plastic bottles.

Actually, that’s not quite correct. Jones Soda’s discontinued line of vitamin enhanced water did, but Jones Soda soda has never been sold in plastic bottles.

Well, that’s about to change with their new line of Au Naturel sparking waters. Of course, this disappoints me because if I’m drinking one at a picnic and a fight breaks out, I can’t smash the plastic bottle on someone’s head or on a tree to make a weapon to defend myself.

Jones Au Naturel is made up of carbonated water, natural sweeteners (organic agave syrup, stevia, and pure cane sugar), flavor essence, and green tea extracts to provide a little caffeine.

A bottle of Au Naturel contain 35 calories, seven grams of sugar, and five grams of fiber. So it has the same amount of fiber found in a bowl of this raisin bran. The sparking water comes in three Ben and Jerry’s flavor-sounding names: Green Apple A Day, Lemon Limelight, and Orange Ya Glad Its Mango.

Au Naturel has a suggested retail price of $1.79 per 16.9-ounce bottle and will be available on the Jones Soda website and natural grocery store.

NEWS: Burger King’s New Menu Items Might Confuse You Into Thinking You’ve Stepped Into A McDonald’s

Marvo 10 Comments

IMG_1073

Burger King recently unleashed their new website (site was up and running while writing this, but it appears the old version of the site is up) and with it they also debuted a gastric bomb of new products. Many of the menu items will sound familiar because, well, McDonald’s did it. So here they are:

Chicken Strips

Available in 3 or 5 pieces, the white meat chicken is marinated and battered in seasoned home-style breading. The dipping sauces available include: King Kung Pao, BBQ Roasted Jalapeño, Barbecue, Honey Mustard, Sweet and Sour, Ranch, and Buffalo. A 3-piece Chicken Strips has 360 calories, 19 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1,400 milligrams of sodium, and 14 grams of protein.

Crispy Chicken Snack Wraps

Burger King’s Snack Wraps combine seven lettuces, white meat chicken, a three-cheese medley, and either Ken’s Ranch Dressing or Ken’s Honey Mustard Dressing in a white flour tortilla.

The Ranch Crispy Chicken Snack Wrap has 370 calories, 21 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,060 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of sugar, and 12 grams of protein. While the Honey Mustard version has 390 calories, 21 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 990 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of sugar, and 12 grams of protein.

Update: Click here to read our BK Crispy Chicken Snack Wraps review

Smoothies & Frappes

Burger King Smoothies are made with real fruit and low-fat yogurt, and come in two flavors — Strawberry Banana and Tropical Mango. The Strawberry Banana Smoothie has 310 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 73 grams of carbohydrates, 60 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein. The Tropical Mango has 330 calories, 1 gram of fat, 78 grams of carbohydrates, 63 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.

Update: Click here to read our BK Fruit Smoothies review

The frappes are topped with whipped cream, swirled with syrup, and, just like the smoothies, come in two flavors — Mocha and Caramel. Both Burger King Frappes have 510 calories, 22 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 72 grams of carbohydrates, 49 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.

Update: Click here to read our Burger King Frappe review

Salads

While everything else so far looks familiar, Burger King’s new salads don’t look like they’re from McDonald’s. The salads have the option of having either Tendercrisp or Tendergrill chicken and are available in three varieties:

Chicken, Apple & Cranberry Garden Fresh Salad – Seven premium lettuces, crisp apples, dried cranberries, bleu cheese, and Ken’s Apple Cider Vinaigrette. With Tendergrill chicken it has 520 calories, 35 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 100 milligrams of cholesterol, 950 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 35 grams of sugar, and 35 grams of protein.

Chicken BLT Garden Fresh Salad – Seven premium lettuces (including romaine, spring mix, and iceberg), thick cut hardwood smoked bacon, tomatoes, red onions, a three-cheese medley, and Ken’s Avocado Ranch Dressing. With Tendergrill chicken it has 510 calories, 33 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 125 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,610 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of sugar, and 42 grams of protein.

Update: Click here to read our BK Chicken BLT Garden Fresh Salad review

Chicken Caesar Garden Fresh Salad – Romaine lettuce, tomatoes, Parmesan croutons, shaved Parmesan cheese, and Ken’s Citrus Caesar Vinaigrette. With Tendergrill chicken it has 490 calories, 28 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 100 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,620 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of sugar, and 41 grams of protein.

NEWS: Dial For Men Speed Foam Body Wash Foaming Gel Has A Long Name For A Body Wash

Marvo 1 Comment

Dial For Men Speed Foam Body WashUpdate: Click here to watch our Dial for Men Speed Foam video review

Dial for Men’s Speed Foam Body Wash Foaming Gel has been available for a couple of weeks, but I didn’t notice it until I saw a coupon for it in the Sunday newspaper.

Ever since I learned about it, I’ve been trying to wrap my head around the idea of a foaming gel. So does it work like Edge Shaving Gel, which starts expanding and turning into foam once it’s dispensed?

According to its bottle, it proudly boasts, “No shower pouf needed.” So I guess with Speed Foam, I don’t need any kind of shower pouf or wash cloth to create foam and to clean my body. Instead, I just use my hands.

But without the pouf, how am I going to exfoliate my skin? Also, if I’m using only my hands, how am I going to wash that one spot on my back I can’t quite reach? What about my butt crack? That means I have to wash my butt crack with only my hands. I don’t feel comfortable with that.

With Speed Foam, Dial claims men will reach the ultimate clean faster and easier than ever.

Dial Speed Foam is able to dispense enough foaming gel for 40 washes and comes in three scents: Active Sport, Arctic Refresh, and Ultra Clean. It’s available nationwide for a suggested retail price of $5.99.