REVIEW: Southern Comfort Vanilla Spice Egg Nog

Southern Comfort Egg Nog

The carton for this Southern Comfort Vanilla Spice Egg Nog may say that it’s “non-alcoholic,” but I don’t know about that, because I’ve got a total buzz going right now.

Actually, to be honest, I’m kind of wasted.

Why do I think there’s alcohol in it? Because earlier I chugged one down and I threw up, like I did when I chugged down a bottle of actual Southern Comfort a few years back.

Holy crap! Is that Kathy Griffin on TV? She looks TOTALLY hot! If I were into leprechauns, I would totally do her and then steal her pot of gold.

Hey, man! I just wanted to let you know that I love you, man! I love you like were a family member. Not like a mother, father, brother, or sister kind of love. More like a family pet kind of love, where you’ll eventually die or run away, and for a little while I’ll be sad, but a while after that, I’ll just get a new pet to replace you, and then forget about you. But I love you, man!

Hey, what’s a penguin doing in the middle my bedroom? It’s too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin’ around. I gotta send you back to the South Pole!

You know what? I got a great idea. I’m gonna prank call all my ex-girlfriends and I’m gonna waste all of their cell phone plan minutes. But I hope that they don’t have a cell phone plan with unlimited nights, because that would totally screw me up.

Did I tell you I love you, man?

So I totally thought that this Southern Comfort Vanilla Spice Egg Nog was gonna suck, because I thought vanilla and spice wouldn’t make a good combination. Because in my head, I was thinking, if combining Vanilla Ice and the Spice Girls was bad, just combining the vanilla and the spice would also be bad.

But you know what? This shit is pretty good. I kind of like it better than regular egg nog, because it tastes kind of like pumpkin pie. So if you have a pumpkin pie around, go stick it in a blender for a little while, then pour it into a tall glass and chug it. Then you would have an idea of what the Southern Comfort Vanilla Spice Egg Nog tastes like.

Hey! Hey! Let me tell you something. Incest with humans is not acceptable, but incest with cats is acceptable.

This egg nog is so good I wish it was available all year round, because I’m all out.

Oh wait, never mind. I’m looking at the carton right now and I see two of them. Oh wait, now there’s like three of them. No wait, now there’s four of them.

Now they’re spinning around my head. Two them are singing Ice Ice Baby and the other two are singing Wannabe.

Oh, man. I’m not feeling too good.


That’s much better. Oh, wait a minute. The cartons say I gotta add the Southern Comfort to the egg nog?

What? No Southern Comfort in the egg nog? Then why am I so wasted?

Damn placebo effect!

Item: Southern Comfort Vanilla Spice Egg Nog
Purchase Price: $4.49
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Really good. Spicy. Vanilla-y. Kind of tastes like pumpkin pie. Cat incest. Combining vanilla and spice.
Cons: Non-alcoholic. Pricey. Human incest. Combining Vanilla Ice and the Spice Girls. Not available all year round.

Heat & Enjoy Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup

You’ve really let yourself go, Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup.

It’s like you’re Elvis. You’re going from young, skinny Elvis to older, overweight, too big to fit on his own postage stamp Elvis. Maybe you have to cut back on the peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

Seriously, you look like Eric Cartman on Weight Gain 4000. Also, you are not big boned.

Well maybe I should be glad that you’re an icon and idol that didn’t take the drug overdose route, child molester route, the Kabbalah route, or the Clay Aiken route.

It’s hard to look at you now because I remember the way you looked in those Andy Warhol paintings, looking slim and cylindrical. But now, if Andy Warhol was still alive and wanted to paint you again, let me just say that he would need a lot more paint.

Look at the pictures below. On the left, you look like how a Campbell’s Soup Can should look on the Red Carpet at some swanky charity function. But on the right, it’s a whole different story at some MTV Xbox shindig you went to, just so you could get free swag.

Sure, Courtney Love comes either drunk, high, or drunk and high to every event she attends or crashes, but at least she’s consistent.

I’m surprised the National Enquirer didn’t run some bogus story about how your weight gain was due to eating nothing but potato chips and soda for several days straight, while watching a Laguna Beach marathon, after your Italian lover left you for a younger, heartier soup, like Progresso.

I guess since you were condensed soup in that older picture, you should’ve been slim. You now maybe a little more roly-poly, but at least you come in a microwaveable bowl, I don’t need to add water, and it takes only 90 seconds for you to be heated up.

Also, you maybe different on the outside, but inside, you still have the same good tasting Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup that I’ve loved during those times when I was sick, when I was poor, when I was too lazy to cook, or when I decided to steal from the company canned food drive box.

Item: Heat & Enjoy Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup
Purchase Price: $1.75 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tastes just like the Campbell’s Chicken Noodle soup that we’ve all learned to love. Microwaveable bowl. No need to add water. Andy Warhol’s paintings. More cushion for the pushin’. Young, slim Elvis.
Cons: Not as slim, cylindrical, and condensed as the younger can version. A high, drunk, or high and drunk Courtney Love. Not looking good on the Red Carpet. Older, heavy Elvis.

Year-In-Review + December Prize Drawing = Crazy Delicious!!!

Well this will be the last Impulsive Buy post for the year, but it’s a Year-In-Review/Prize Drawing post.

First off, I just want to wish everyone a Happy New Year and I also want to thank everyone who reads the Impulsive Buy regularly. It’s a lot of fun trying to come up with new ways to make you laugh, make you nauseous, and make you watch a video of me stripping.

Also, I guess a Year-In-Review post wouldn’t be complete without a list of some of my favorite reviews over the past year. So here they are in no particular order:

10. Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal
9. Canon PowerShot A85
8. Girl Scouts Thin Mints
7. Full Throttle
6. Del Monte Carb Clever Sliced Pears
5. BK Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch
4. iPod Shuffle
3. Poop Water
2. Star Wars Cereal
1. Glaceau SmartWater

Aaah, good times. Good times.

Well on to this month’s prize drawing. I don’t know what I’m going to give away, but the theme of this month’s prize drawing is, “A Month’s Supply.” The theme means that whatever the prizes are, the winners will receive a month’s supply of it.

THREE lucky Impulsive Buy readers will each receive a month’s supply of something I reviewed in the past year. However, I guarantee it’s not the Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal, because I believe they don’t make it anymore.

To enter this month’s prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with the words “Happy New Year, Sucka!” in it and whatever else you would like to say.

Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, December 27, 2005 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, January 1, 2006. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States, US Military APOs, and Canada. (To the rest of the planet, I’m sorry.)

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about making money by filling out surveys. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about seminars that will help you manage people better or improve your grammar skills. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, Johnny Damon going to the Yankees, or the destruction of the Earth at midnight on January 1st.

Jones Soda Whoop Ass Energy Drink

Whoop Ass Energy Drink, eh? You’re more like Whoop-De-Doo or the one-hit wonder, “Whoop! There It Is!”

You maybe the champ now, but when Wrestle Wreckage IV on pay-per-view passes, that title belt you have is either going to be around The Reviewer’s waist or around your neck.

Don’t take The Reviewer lightly, Whoop Ass Energy Drink.

The Reviewer ISN’T Gene Shalit! The Reviewer ISN’T Roger Ebert! The Reviewer ISN’T Dustin Rowles!

But The Reviewer IS going to kick your ass at Wrestle Wreckage IV.

The Reviewer doesn’t care if you bring your caffeine, taurine, inositol, ginseng, and guarana. It’s enough to give The Reviewer energy when The Reviewer is reviewing, but it’s not enough to kick The Reviewers ass. Heck, bring your donkey, hippopotamus, elephant, and duckbilled platypus, because it’s still not enough.

There’s no doubt that I will beat you at Wrestle Wreckage IV. The odds of me winning the World Championship belt from you are better than the odds that either Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, or Luke Wilson will be in the next Ben Stiller movie.

You don’t impress me with your 310% thiamin, 310% riboflavin, 100% niacin, and 260% vitamin B6, because the only numbers that really matter are these two 12-inch guns I have right here.

Oh yeah!

With these two 12-inch guns, I’m going to bitch slap the green color right out of you. And speaking of things coming out, your citrus taste is more like a spit-this taste. It tasted bitter and sweet, like I was sucking on a Louie-Bloo Raspberry Otter Pop plastic tube.

Finally, what’s up with the red and white stripes? Are you a candy cane? Are you a barber shop pole? Are you a candystriper? Well you’re going to need candystripers when I’m done with you after Wrestle Wreckage IV on pay-per-view.

You may think you have The Reviewer’s spirit down after you attacked The Reviewer the other night with a steel chair and slammed The Reviewer through a table when The Reviewer was wrestling The Wall, but I reviewed your poor attempt at bringing me down, and I have to say that it sucked worse than a Creed CD.

But the next time you step in the ring, you better watch out, because The Reviewer will be watching with a steel chair. Also, here a little nugget for you to remember, steel is stronger than aluminum.

But you know what? When we get to Wrestle Wreckage IV, it doesn’t matter whether it’s steel or aluminum, bitter or sweet, candy cane or candystriper, or donkey or platypus, because when The Reviewer gets you into The Reviewer’s finishing move, The Final Verdict, The Reviewer is going to crush you.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Jim for sending me a can of Whoop Ass and for not opening a can of whoop ass on me, because I’m pretty sure he could totally kick my ass, hang me on a hook by my underwear, and have people pay one dollar to throw eggs at me.)

Item: Jones Soda Whoop Ass Energy Drink
Purchase Price: FREE (Thanks, Jim!)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: My finishing move, The Final Verdict. Lots of energy, but not enough to kick my ass. My two 12-inch guns.
Cons: Bitter taste. “Whoop! There It Is!” Steel chairs.

Airheads Mystery Slurpee Flavor

I really was hoping that the Airheads Mystery Slurpee Flavor would taste like Mr. Pibb and Red Vines, because I hear it equals crazy delicious.

Unfortunately, I have no idea what Mr. Pibb tastes like, so just like the number of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop, the number of licks it takes to stop a Timex from ticking, and the number of licks it takes to have a woman say my name in the heat of passion, I will probably never know the answer.

I will also probably never know what the mystery flavor is for this Airheads Slurpee. I could try to solve the mystery, but I don’t like food that makes me think, especially a Slurpee, because it’s hard to think when I’ve got brain freeze.

When I have brain freeze, I’m not in any condition to solve a mystery. Maybe if I had a groovy Mystery Machine, some meddling kids, a dumb dog, and Scooby Snacks, I could solve the mystery, but I don’t.

However, I knew that not knowing what the mystery flavor was would peck at my brain like trying to figure out the name of the fourth musketeer or being subjected to a Chinese water torture.

So to figure out what the mystery flavor was, I did exactly what I do when I’m faced with multiple choice questions or when approaching “women” with slight facial hair and large hands…I tried guessing.

I figured if I used my five senses I could figure it out.

Using my sense of touch, I determined that the Slurpee was cold, which was pretty much a waste of time because my sense of sight could’ve of told me that.

Using my sense of sight, I determined that the Slurpee was yellow, which got me thinking, just like the Impulsive Buy puts the “ew” in product review, maybe this flavor puts the “pee” in Slurpee.

Using my sense of smell, I determined that the Slurpee had a fruity flavor, which caused my sense of hearing to hear, “No shit, Sherlock!”

Finally, using my sense of taste, I tried to come up with familiar fruity flavors. The flavor was very good, but my tongue gave me a variety of answers, like grape, strawberry-banana, cherry, and strawberry. So not only is my tongue a sex toy without much stamina, it also has some messed up taste buds.

Well I may not know what flavor the Airheads Mystery Slurpee Flavor is, but I do know that it equals crazy delicious.

Item: Airheads Mystery Slurpee Flavor
Purchase Price: $1.39 (40-ounce)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good fruity taste. Crazy delicious. Refreshing on a hot, sunny day. Velma.
Cons: Not being able to figure out the mystery flavor and not know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. No Mr. Pibb for me. Yellow snow.