REVIEW: Apple iPod Socks


You would think if they called something a sock, you’d be able to wear it on your feet, but this was not the case with Apple iPod Socks, unless you’re a baby or a midget.

I wanted to put one on a baby’s foot, but I couldn’t get my hands on a baby.

Let me tell you, it’s hard to find at the last minute a baby to use as a test subject. Even with $50,000 through the Black Market, our sources said it would’ve taken at least a couple of days.

The iPod Socks come in a six-pack, with each box containing a gray, pink, blue, green, purple, and orange two-toned sock. They are supposed to be used as cases for the popular iPod.

Being a manly man, I will not be caught using the pink iPod Sock. I don’t care if pink is the new black. I had a horrible experience with wearing the color pink.

The last time I wore pink was to a junior prom. My date wore a pink and white dress and wanted to match, so she suggested made me wear a white tuxedo with a pink tie and cummerbund. I can’t believe I did that just so I could go to the junior prom as a sophomore.

When we went to the prom, it turned out that I was the ONLY guy in a white tuxedo. The only way I could’ve stood out more was if I wore a pink and white top hat with a neon sign that said, “Look at me! I’M LAME.”

The iPod Sock fits nicely over my third generation iPod, which will keep it nice and warm during these cold winter months. However, when I’m using an iPod Sock I don’t have access to the controls, which is a problem when I desperately don’t want to listen to my ex-girlfriend’s Backstreet Boys and New Age music that I’m too lazy to remove from my iTunes library.

Despite making wonderful iPod warmers, the iPod Socks are one-dimensional. I can’t use them as actual socks on my feet, but I did try them on other body parts to see if they would fit and be able to keep those body parts warm.



Fingers…Four of them.


Um…Heh, heh…Need a MUCH bigger sock for that.

Okay, not really.

Item: Apple iPod Socks
Purchase Price: $29.00
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Six colorful socks. Fits any iPod. Keeps iPod warm.
Cons: Very pricey. Can’t use on my feet. No access to iPod controls.

Firefox 1.0


There has been a lot of talk about the recently released final version of the web browser Firefox 1.0.

Much of the talk has been about how it compares to Microsoft Internet Explorer (IE), how it’s safer, how it’s faster, blah, blah, blah. Here at the Impulsive Buy, we decided to review Firefox in a way that’s really helpful for some of you. We decided to review Firefox in relation to viewing corn.

That’s right, you heard us and we’re not ashamed to admit it. We like to view corn on our computers.

Whether it’s white corn, or black corn, or any other kind of corn, we really like corn. Because there is so much corn out there to view, we needed a browser that makes it easier to look at corn. We think we’ve found it in Firefox 1.0.

The biggest thing that really helped with our excessive corn viewing was tabbed browsing, which allows us to open many corn sites with one window. There’s also a feature that allows us to open a group of bookmarks at the same time in separate tabs, which is great when we want to open all of our asian corn sites at the same time.

IE doesn’t have tabs and because it doesn’t have tabs we were getting caught viewing corn. With IE, we had to open each corn site in a separate window and when we heard someone coming we had to scramble to hide all the windows, which is a very time consuming process. Now with tabs, all we have to hide is one window.


We think the developers of Firefox had corn viewers in mind when they came up with tabbed browsing.

Another important feature is the pop-up blocker. When viewing the many corn sites there are tons of pop-up windows, which mostly ask us if we want more hot corn. These pop-ups drive us insane, but with Firefox we can stop pop-ups with a click of a button.

The last feature we will talk about are the extensions you can install for Firefox. Our favorite is a music controller, because we can listen to 70’s corn music while viewing corn. Bow chica. Bow chica.

There’s also an extension that allows web surfers to easily control Firefox using only mouse gestures, which is very useful for corn viewers, who always surf with only one hand.

If you haven’t downloaded Firefox, we highly recommend you do. The tabs alone make it worthwhile, whether you like corn or not.

Item: Firefox 1.0
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tabbed windows. Pop-up blocker. Google search field. Makes it easier to view corn.
Cons: Still has some kinks, which maybe good if you’re kinky.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Pumpkin Pie Shake

Jack in the Box Pumpkin Pie Shake

I was first introduced to tryptophan by Mr. Claybaugh, my seventh grade history teacher. He told us about how turkey contains tryptophan, which is an amino acid that can make us sleepy. Mr. Claybaugh also told us that the only cure for overcoming the effects of tryptophan was to eat lots of pumpkin pie.

I don’t know if he was telling the truth or not.

Unfortunately, I haven’t really had a chance to prove it. Like most people at Thanksgiving, I always eat lots of turkey, mashed potatoes, ham, and yams. When dessert time rolls around, there isn’t much room for anything else, so I’ll only eat a slice of pumpkin pie, which probably isn’t enough to defeat the effects of tryptophan.

So before going on my trip to Las Vegas, I decided to find out the truth.

So I went to the national grocery store chain I shop at and looked for turkey. Unfortunately, finding a turkey right before Thanksgiving turned out to be a difficult task, because the store sold out. I thought about it for a few moments and a lightbulb popped into my head.

I walked to the deli counter to see if they had turkey and they did. I asked for a pound of turkey, which I received nicely sliced.

Now I that I had my turkey, all I needed was the pumpkin pie. Unfortunately, finding a pumpkin pie right before Thanksgiving also turned out to be a difficult task. Because it was almost Thanksgiving, I needed to order a pumpkin pie 24 hours in advance.

So instead of buying a pumpkin pie, I decided to pick up the new Jack in the Box Pumpkin Pie Shake, which is made with pumpkin-flavored ice cream seasoned with nutmeg and cinnamon. Close enough, right?

Now that I had my turkey and my “pumpkin pie,” the experiment could begin.

I ate the pound of turkey and then I tanked the medium-sized Pumpkin Pie Shake. The shake was really good and it tasted like pumpkin pie. Too bad Jack in the Box is only making these for a limited time.

After finishing off the Pumpkin Pie Shake, I sat in front of the television and watched the Tony Danza Show.

Minutes later I fell asleep.

After I woke up and wiped the drool from my face, I realized that maybe the Pumpkin Pie Shake wasn’t a good substitute for an actual pumpkin pie.

I also realized there are other things that will work much better to combat the effects of tryptophan and the Tony Danza Show. These include coffee, caffeine, and crack.

Item: Jack in the Box Pumpkin Pie Shake
Purchase Price: $2.29 (medium)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like pumpkin pie. Surprisingly good. Don’t have to worry about pie crust.
Cons: Not a good replacement to overcome effects of tryptophan or the Tony Danza Show.

REVIEW: Oscar Mayer Lunchables Chicken Dunks

Oscar Mayer Lunchables Chicken Dunks

I’ve never had a Lunchables before, but I’ve always been curious about trying them. Sort of like how I’ve been curious about getting a nipple pierced.

I guess I’ve never tried them because I feel that I’m a little too old to be eating them. I’m also afraid to get caught with them in my shopping cart, because it will make me look like either a father or a big loser.

But then again, I do eat a lot of Pop-Tarts and kids cereals.

Hmm…So that’s why all the women turn their shopping carts away from me.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, Impulsive Buy reader Mia asked us if we could review the new Lunchables Chicken Dunks.

I agreed to look for them and believe me, I REALLY had to look for them.

For over a week, I went searching high and low for them, but couldn’t find them anywhere. Not at the national grocery store chain, or at the locally-owned supermarket, or at the world-dominating superstore behemoth. They were elusive, like topless photos of the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Wait. They’re 18 years old, right? I don’t want to seem creepy.

I already seem creepy?


Anyway, I thought that I would have to wait another week for them to arrive on shelves here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. (Just to let you know, things like this come by boat.) Fortunately, while looking for lunch at the convenient store down the street, I finally happened to come across the Lunchables Chicken Dunks.

It seemed like it took forever to find them.

Well at least I didn’t have to wait in line for three and a half hours, like I had to do for the Bellagio’s Thanksgiving Buffet in Las Vegas.

When I got home, one thing that caught my eye on the box was the phrase, “Tastes Great…No Need To Heat.”

I thought to myself, “You can actually eat the Chicken Dunks COLD?”

Well I did just that, although I did heat up a couple of chicken pieces to compare. In both instances, no matter how many times I dunked the chicken into the ketchup (which they provided), they both tasted kind of gross.

It’s a good thing the Lunchables Chicken Dunks came with a tropical punch Kool-Aid Jammers juice because I NEEDED something to wash the chicken down.

Item: Oscar Mayer Lunchables Chicken Dunks
Purchase Price: $3.79
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Starburst fruit chews. Kool Aid Jammers Tropical Punch.
Cons: Chicken tastes gross cold. Chicken tastes gross heated up. Amount of food won’t satisfy adults.

REVIEW: KMS Hair Stay Styling Gel


Sorry there wasn’t a review yesterday.

I thought it was going to be easy getting over the bright lights, booze, buffets, brisk weather, booze, Blue Man Group, boobs, and booze of Las Vegas. It took a day to recover, but now I’m back to normal.

Anyway, every year my hair stylist gives me a gift for Christmas, which consists of hair products. Last Christmas, she gave me KMS Hair Gel. However, I didn’t have a chance to use it, since at about the same time I found the GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER!

Recently, I ran out of the GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER, so I was forced to use the KMS Hair Gel.

After a few days of using it, I found that the KMS Hair Gel broke my Three Laws of Hair Gel: (1) Must smell good. (2) Stiffness must last significantly longer than Levitra. (3) Must not flake and make it appear like I have REALLY bad dandruff.

The GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER met all of these qualifications with flying colors, but unfortunately the KMS Hair Gel failed badly at all three. First, it had this weird chemical smell. Second, the stiffness disappeared quickly, just like when I got caught masturbating by my mom. Finally, it made my hair look like I took a walk while it was snowing. Unfortunately, here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean it doesn’t snow, so no one will think it’s snow.

So after a few days of limp, chemical-smelling hair with white flakes, I frantically headed over to my hair stylist like I was a crackhead or a Walmart shopper waiting to buy a $30 DVD player. I bought more of the GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER and promised it that I would never stray again.

Now before I found out how crappy the KMS Hair Gel was, I wanted to give my hair stylist something in return for the gift she gave me. I thought about a few things I could give her, but I felt those things weren’t appropriate, since they were in my wet dreams. Also, I wasn’t going to spend money, because as many of you know, I’m a cheap bastard.

So I decided to write and perform a song for her, which I called, “The Sexiest Man Alive.”

(Note: I REALLY suck at playing the guitar and I REALLY have a horrible singing voice.)

The Sexiest Man Alive

Can I get a Mohawk, just like Mr. T?
I’ll use 1-800-C-O-L-L-E-C-T.
I’ll buy some gold chains and pity the fool.
I can help people save a buck or two.

You could shave off all my hair, just like that.
I would look like Homer Simpson or Kojak.
I think I’d look rugged and I’d look mean,
But my head would burn without sunscreen

My hair is yours to do what you like.
My hair maybe a mess, but do what you can.
Don’t butcher it like I’m at Fantastic Sams.
Trim the top and cut short the sides.
Just make me the sexiest man alive.

I wanna look like MC Hammer in 1990?
Shave in some lines and words and make it shiny.
I’ll sing “Can’t Touch This” and learn to dance.
And I’ll even buy some baggy sequence pants.

I think I’d like a bowl haircut instead.
Is there a bowl big enough to fit on my head?
Just put the bowl on and I’ll have it made.
It’s the same haircut I had in the second grade.

My hair is yours to do what you like.
If I wanted dreadlocks, you won’t make a fuss.
You’re a billion times better than Supercuts.
Turn my hair blond or make it dyed.
Just make me the sexiest man alive.

Would you give me a perm if I asked?
I’ve never had to wear a shower cap.
Wonder what it’s like to have some curls?
I think I would probably look like a little girl.

Braiding my hair into cornrolls, is that okay?
I wanna look like I play in the NBA.
It takes a lot of time, but could you do it please.
I know it won’t look right because I’m Japanese.

My hair is yours to do what you like.
No Flowbee could do what you can.
Like prevent me from looking stupid cutting my hair with a vacuum in my hand.
Put some hair gel on and after it’s dried.
Just maybe I’ll be the sexiest man alive.

Item: KMS Hair Stay Styling Gel
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: It was free.
Cons: Hold doesn’t last. Flakes easily. Chemical smell. WORST HAIR GEL EVER!!!