REVIEW: Cherry Vanilla Pepsi & Cherry Vanilla Diet Pepsi

Marvo 20 Comments

Whenever I order a Pepsi and the waitress says, “Is Coke okay, hon?”, I slam my hands on the table, jump up from my chair and say, “Heeeeeell no, ma’am! Coke is not okay. I’d rather drink the ink from the blue pen you’re using to write down our order than that piss poor excuse the folks in Atlanta have the nerve to call a cola.”

And that’s how I earned my Pepsi Fanboy card.

But it seems like I’m going to have to turn in my Pepsi Fanboy card because I’m not really digging their new Cherry Vanilla Pepsi and Cherry Vanilla Diet Pepsi. If I am forced to turn it in, I will not cry, nor will I drink Coke, because I’m used to getting my fanboy cards taken away from me. I recently had to turn in my Apple Fanboy card because I was not willing to wait in line at an Apple Store and spend $500-$800 on an iPad while dressed like Steve Jobs in a mock-turtleneck, Levi’s jeans and New Balance shoes.

The Cherry Vanilla Pepsi line may sound entirely new, but it’s not the first time Pepsi has combined cherry and vanilla to form a supersoda in an attempt to blow your taste buds away and pump either more high fructose corn syrup or aspartame into your body. They also did it a few years ago when they introduced the ridiculously long named and now discontinued Black Cherry French Vanilla Diet Pepsi Jazz.

At first, I really didn’t care for Cherry Vanilla Pepsi and Cherry Vanilla Diet Pepsi, but since then I’ve consumed enough of both varieties to make a dentist see dollar signs and slightly improve how I feel about Cherry Vanilla Pepsi.

The HFCS-sweetened Cherry Vanilla Pepsi has a strong vanilla scent that brings back memories of every Bath & Body Works I’ve ever been dragged into visited. As for how it tastes, it starts off with vanilla, then cherry and then an aftertaste that I can’t determine, but can only describe as significantly less appealing than what came before it. It’s good, but it took me several bottles for me to warm up to it and I’d rather have a Wild Cherry Pepsi.

As for the aspartame-sweetened Cherry Vanilla Diet Pepsi, its vanilla scent makes me feel like I’ve been bribed with sex forced into visiting the candle section at a Pier 1 Imports store. Its aroma is stronger than regular Cherry Vanilla Pepsi, but it’s also less appealing. The flavors in this diet soda present themselves in the same order as the regular version: vanilla, cherry and then wicked aftertaste. The flavors are much more pronounced, but that’s not a good thing. I’m a fan of Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi, but the cherry flavor mixed with vanilla in this soda makes cherry cough syrup taste more like Kool-Aid.

Do. Not. Like.

Cherry Vanilla Pepsi and Cherry Vanilla Diet Pepsi are available for a limited time, but if you have a 7-Eleven nearby you can experience a cherry vanilla Pepsi anytime of the year. Their soda dispensers allow you to add cherry and vanilla syrups to your Super Big Gulps filled with Pepsi or that piss poor excuse the folks in Atlanta have the nerve to call a cola.

Nah, I’m only kidding Coke Fanboys and Fangirls. I enjoy Coke Zero.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – Cherry Vanilla Pepsi – 100 calories, 0 grams of fat, 20 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 27 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 25 milligrams of caffeine. Cherry Vanilla Diet Pepsi – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 25 milligrams of caffeine.)

Item: Cherry Vanilla Pepsi & Cherry Vanilla Diet Pepsi
Price: $1.29 each
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Cherry Vanilla Pepsi)
Rating: 3 out of 10 (Cherry Vanilla Diet Pepsi)
Pros: Cherry Vanilla Pepsi was good. Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi. My Pepsi Fanboy card. Both have shorter names than Black Cherry French Vanilla Diet Pepsi Jazz. Bath & Body Works is an awesome place to buy gifts for women. Super Big Gulps. Pepsi.
Cons: Cherry Vanilla Diet Pepsi makes cough syrup taste like Kool-Aid. Cherry Vanilla Pepsi contains high fructose corn syrup. Being dragged into a Pier 1 Imports. Both have unappealing aftertastes. Not having my Apple Fanboy card anymore. Cavities. Coke.

REVIEW: Ritz Crackerfuls Cheddar Cheese & Bacon

Marvo 20 Comments

It’s fitting I found the Ritz Crackerfuls Cheddar Cheese & Bacon in Wisconsin — the land of cheese and meats. If only it came with a beer dipping sauce or made with beer bread batter, then it could be the state’s unofficial cracker snack.

The Cheddar Cheese & Bacon flavor is the latest in the Ritz Crackerfuls line and puts an end to the hoity-toity sounding flavors that preceded it, which include Classic Cheddar, Four Cheese and Garlic Herb.

Like small-breasted porn starlets, the Ritz Crackerfuls Cheddar Cheese & Bacon keeps it real. It has real cheddar cheese made with cultured milk, salt, enzymes and annatto extract color. It also has real bacon in the form of rendered bacon fat and bacon bits that have been cured with water, salt, sugar, sodium phosphates, sodium ascorbate and sodium nitrate.

Mmm…You can totally read the realness.

You know what else this cheese cracker sandwich has? Green tea and rosemary extracts. No fo’ realsies. Although I don’t taste either of them. I’d show you the ingredients list to prove it, but you would quickly get bored by its vastness or due to the number of ingredients that end with -ate, you would suffer PTSD (Periodic Table Studying Disorder) and relive the horrors of memorizing chemical compounds in your high school and college chemistry classes.

The Ritz Crackerfuls Cheddar Cheese & Bacon has a smokiness to it, but I’m not sure if it’s from the cheese, the bacon, both or from one of the ingredients that end with -ate. Well, whatever creates that smoky flavor, it makes this cheese cracker sandwich slightly more enjoyable than the original flavors of Crackerfuls. The bacon bits are large enough to be seen and provide a different kind of crunch than the cracker, so if you’re one of those mouthy-feely eaters you might get a kick from the almost crystalline-like crunch.

Just like the original Crackerfuls, this latest variety is also as fragile as a mofo. It’s a crumb creator, so if you don’t have manners, I’d suggest getting some and pulling out a plate to eat these.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Crackerful – 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 4% iron.)

Item: Ritz Crackerfuls Cheddar Cheese & Bacon
Price: $3.19
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Festival Foods (Wisconsin)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent smoky flavor. Real bacon bits. 6 grams of whole grain per serving. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. Having manners. Contains green tea extract. Porn starlets. Wisconsin before the mayflies.
Cons: Crackerfuls are crumb creators. Unsure of how it gets its smokiness. Vast ingredients list. Lots of ingredients that end with -ate. Periodic Table Studying Disorder.

REVIEW: Kraft Sandwich Shop Chipotle Mayo

Kayla 17 Comments

If the chipotle pepper was a person, she would be a prostitute who gets around so much that she can’t even keep track of who she’s flavored or what fast food menu she’s been on. I feel a little sorry for her, because you know it’s not her fault. Major food brands have been pimping this once unique senorita that used to be found only at the finest of Mexican restaurants.

Even though she’s been exploited and used in almost every way conceivable, I still find her flavor delicious and I’m happy she’s been exploited even more by ending up in the Kraft Sandwich Shop Chipotle Mayo.

I don’t want to sound snobbish, but there was a time when I thought I was too good for mayo, refusing to have it touch my sandwiches. Mayonnaise is as boring as watching an LPGA Tournament (also Tiger-less PGA Tournaments). I guess that’s the reason why it comes in white.

Despite receiving a What Not to Wear-like makeover a few years ago, slimming down from a wide jar, which is the equivalent of horizontal stripes on a fat guy, to a sexy squeeze bottle, I still thought mayo was as dull as watching a chick with a skunk stripe in her hair and a guy who has more argyle than the people of Argyll tell people they have no fashion sense.

But all that changed when I was introduced to the Kraft Sandwich Shop Chipotle Mayo, which swept me off of my feet and caused my taste buds to orgasm in unison. I never would have thought a condiment could do that to me, and I never would have considered mayonnaise being the one I’d go all porno with, but this spicy mayo brings out a side of me that could only be found in the seediest of neighborhoods on the internet where malt liquor flows from fountains and Paladins are turning tricks for plate armor.

The Kraft Sandwich Shop Chipotle Mayo has a gentle kick that really enhances the flavor of any cold cut you can slap between two slices of bread, with the exception of the barf-worthy olive loaf or the even creepier macaroni and cheese loaf.

I hate when companies say their meals are “bistro-inspired” or taste as good as a panini from a quaint little café in Tuscany (*cough* Lean Cuisine *cough*), but Kraft did their research on this mayo, because it reminded me of the spread on a chipotle chicken wrap that I used to order at a restaurant in Metro Boston.

Thanks to this spicy mayo, I now have one less reason to visit my old stomping grounds. The only things left to attract me back to Boston are seeing the foliage and visiting those weird people who gave me life and are still supporting my lazy ass.

Kraft has other flavors of mayo in their new Sandwich Shop line. I’ve tried the garlic and herb, but it didn’t do anything for me like the Kraft Sandwich Shop Chipotle Mayo did. What can I say, I love the spicy flavor and sluttiness chipotle brings.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 tbsp – 40 calories, 4 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Kraft Sandwich Shop Chipotle Mayo
Price: $2.59
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Damn good. Makes a boring sandwich a “gourmet” sandwich with one little squirt. Doesn’t have that globby mayonnaise appearance. Malt liquor flowing from fountains. Argyle sweaters.
Cons: No fat-free version available yet. Olive loaf. Paladins turning tricks. Macaroni and Cheese loaf. Watching golf.

REVIEW: Glaceau VitaminWater Zero Squeezed

Marvo 14 Comments

I don’t know if you’ve ever bought lemonade from kids who set up shop in front of their house and sell their product at a ridiculously high markup that’s usually only seen at Asian-owned convenience stores and shady used car dealerships. If you have, I guarantee it didn’t taste like the Glaceau VitaminWater Zero Squeezed.

The wannabe lemonade stand moguls I’ve bought from make their lemonade either too sour or too sweet or, on occasion, use their short fingers to stir. Now I wouldn’t call myself a lemonade making expert, but I’ve wasted hours of my life that I’ll never get back playing Lemonade Tycoon so I know six lemons, three cups of sugar and four ice cubes make a good lemonade on a hot day, and if the weather isn’t so warm, I reduce the number of ice cubes to two or three.

Of course, I should have low expectations of lemonade made by children who don’t grasp the concept of ratios. However, I would buy lemonade from children who were selling bottles of VitaminWater Zero Squeezed, even if it’s just “lemonade flavored.”

Unlike children’s lemonade stand lemonade, which is always sweetened with pure sugar, the innocence of children and whatever germs are on their hands when they stir it with their fingers, the VitaminWater Zero Squeezed is sweetened with rebiana (stevia extract), crystalline fructose and erythritol.

This trifecta of sweeteners give it just the right amount of sweetness, but keeps the amount of sugar per serving under a gram. It’s also slightly sour, but not even close to making your lips pucker. And, of course, there’s the obligatory wateriness EVERY VitaminWater flavor has. Overall, it’s a refreshing beverage that you’ll enjoy if you like slightly watery lemonade-flavored products or if you’re looking to try every single damn VitaminWater flavor in existence.

The VitaminWater Zero Squeezed also provides 100% vitamin C, B vitamins and electrolytes. These are much better than the bonuses I’ve gotten from children’s lemonade stand lemonade, which has been an occasional lemon seed and diarrhea.

Like all VitaminWater products sweetened with rebiana (VitaminWater Zero & VitaminWater 10), the flavor of VitaminWater Zero Squeezed isn’t as palatable if consumed warm. But it’s still better than the lemon- or sugar-flavored swill that most entrepreneurial eight-year-olds concoct.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 4% calcium, 40% vitamin B3, 40% vitamin B12, 4% magnesium, 100% vitamin C, 10% vitamin E, 40% vitamin B6, 40% vitamin B5 and 10% zinc.)

Read other Glaceau VitaminWater Zero Squeezed reviews:
I Ate A Pie

Item: Glaceau VitaminWater Zero Squeezed
Price: $1.79
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven (Chicago)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Refreshing. Right amount of sweetness. Not pucker sour. Much better tasting than the swill produced by entrepreneurial eight-year-olds. Zero calories. It’s got electrolytes. It’s got B vitamins. It’s got vitamin C. Being a virtual millionaire playing Lemonade Tycoon.
Cons: It’s just lemonade-flavored, not actual lemonade. Doesn’t taste as good if consumed warm. Markups at Asian-owned convenience stores and shady used car dealerships. Using fingers to stir lemonade. Wasting hours of my life playing Lemonade Tycoon.

REVIEW: BK Fire-Grilled Ribs

Kelley 17 Comments

Burger King has ribs now! Is that the appropriate level of excitement? I can’t tell, because The King has given me no direction on how to feel about his new ribs. I look to fast food restaurants’ media and marketing departments to tell me how I should feel about their food, and there is absolutely no information about the ribs on their website. Usually, companies assault you with their new products on the front page of their sites, making sure you know damn well that there’s a new product and you’re going to love it. I couldn’t even find the nutritional information on the ribs. I had to find that through other, nefarious means. Is Burger King trying to hide them? Should I be worried?

I’m glad I called my local BK earlier to make sure they were carrying the ribs, because, again, there was no indication of their existence at the restaurant. No big pictures on the drive-thru menu, no posters in the window…nothing. There is no way in the world for you to know these ribs exist, unless you stumbled upon a news story about them on the Internet. (Or the editor of the website you review for told you about them.) I felt like I was in on some sort of secret, like In-N-Out’s not-so-secret secret menu.

I don’t even actually know what these things are officially called. The box says, “Straight from the grill”, but there’s no name on it. The side of the box at least has little pictures of ribs on it, so at least I know I’ve got the right product.

Edit: The Internet just told me they’re called BK Fire-Grilled Ribs. Mystery solved.

According to the box, you can get either six or eight pieces, but my secret nutritional information source says that you can also get a three-piece box. Who knows? Burger King certainly isn’t going to tell me. And that creepy King never talks, so he’s of no help. Yeah, you just keep standing over there with your arms crossed, The King. Looking all creepy and smug, knowing that nobody knows a damn thing about your ribs.

I dunno about these guys. They look kind of weird. And…burned. There is a pleasant smell of grilled meat faintly wafting from the box, but it does smell a little like what happened when I tried to use a grill once. Considering I once managed to ruin a package of ramen, I think you see where I’m going with this.

These certainly don’t look like any ribs I’ve ever seen before. I guess they’re supposed to be short ribs? Hey, wait, is that…is that a bone I see? Oh, these are actual ribs! Up to this point, I thought they were just going to be strange and boneless, like that mutant piece of meat on the McRib. Burger King copies all of McDonald’s other ideas, so I just figured this would be more of the same. Good thing I noticed the bones before I bit into them. That could have gone poorly.

They look mostly like seriously failed chicken wings. Or perhaps the severed limbs of infant burn victims? Okay, that’s just tasteless. C’mon now. Seriously though, it looks like a Chihuahua caught on fire in the Burger King parking lot and they decided to call it a “happy accident.” I mean, I’m not a rib expert, but these just don’t look right.

They don’t taste right, either. The first one I tried was dry and terribly burned. The second one was moist, and by that I mean greasy, and burned. And that’s pretty much the story for the rest of the box. The few moist bites I got showed that the meat closest to the bone had some good flavor and texture, but there wasn’t much of that on those little ribs. One person on the Internet noted that they got barbecue sauce with theirs, so I made sure to ask for some at the window. The King’s serf assured me that it was in the bag. It was not in the bag.

The ribs seemed like they didn’t have any seasoning on them, unless you count “burned” as a seasoning. If I’ve learned anything from Bobby Flay, besides the fact that you can cook anything on a grill (I think I saw him make a bowl of Frosted Flakes on there once), it’s that your ribs need to be properly seasoned, whether that’s with a dry rub or a wet one. If I’ve learned anything from the various barbecue shows I’ve seen on the Travel Channel, the nation is polarized between wet and dry rubs, but I’m pretty sure they’d all agree that a naked rib is a no-no.

Honestly though, any seasoning they might have applied to it would have been overpowered by the taste of charred flesh. The flavor stayed in my mouth long after I’d finished the ribs, leaving me feeling like I’d just eaten a box full of the remains of someone’s tragic house fire. No amount of barbecue sauce is going to cover that up. Speaking of covering up, I see now why Burger King is keeping these ribs under wraps. These ribs just ain’t right.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 ribs – 450 calories, 33 grams of total fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 140 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,290 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars and 35 grams of protein.)

Item: BK Fire-Grilled Ribs
Price: $5.69
Size: 6 ribs
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Some meat was moist. Feeling like part of a secret club. Actual meat on a bone and not fake, formed ribs. Getting to call a Burger King employee a serf.
Cons: Charred as all get-out. The King, being smug and creepy. Lots of dry meat. Making infant burn victim jokes. Charcoals-in-my-mouth taste will not leave.