REVIEW: Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa Mix

Marvo 8 Comments

Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa

It’s around midnight and I’m writing this Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa Mix review outside…topless.

Why am I outside in the middle of the night half naked? Because if I want to truly appreciate this Starbucks hot cocoa, I feel like I need to drink it in a cold environment, which is difficult when one lives on a tropical island and doesn’t have air conditioning at his place.

Although it’s the middle of the night and there’s a slight breeze, the weather is still in the mid to high 70s, hence the reason why I have no shirt on. I thought I would feel cooler if I took it off, but fripples have yet to form. So here I am standing outside with the moonlight reflecting off of my pale chest, making my torso glow like it’s a bodily fluid under a black light.

I would take off more clothing, but I haven’t done laundry in a long time, so the only item of clothing that prevents me from being completely nude are the cargo shorts I have on. Also, the glowing pale parts of my body seem to be attracting bugs, so if I were to take my shorts off, I would have bugs circling around my body’s airport control tower, which is something I do not want.

Speaking of things that are milky white, in order to make a cup of Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa, the instructions say eight ounces of hot milk are needed. However, I got tri-curious and made three different cups using low-fat milk, vanilla soy milk, and water.

If you don’t have milk or soy milk and you’re too lazy to get some, water will do in a pinch, but that’s like settling for QVC during primetime TV hours because the remote control is farther than an arms length away. If you’re going to make a cup of Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa, you’ve got to make it with milk or soy milk. Don’t settle for QVC.

Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa Closeup

When milk or soy milk is used, the Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa makes me forget about the bugs landing and taking off on my pale glowing body. The cocoa flavor is rich and much better tasting than what Swiss Miss and Nestle offers. However, it’s slightly gritty. The cocoa used is ethically sourced, so if you love responsible, sustainable cocoa farming (and who doesn’t), you’ll like the cocoa in these Starbucks packets.

The dehydrated marshmallows included aren’t your typical mini round dehydrated marshmallows found in other hot cocoa mixes. They’re much larger, handcrafted, and are more like small slabs of dehydrated marshmallows. They don’t melt away easily, but when they do they add a little vanilla flavor to the hot cocoa.

A box of Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa Mix is twice as expensive as a box of Swiss Miss or Nestle hot cocoa, but I don’t think it’s two times better tasting. It’s probably more like 1 1/2 times better. But, to be honest, if I were to find myself topless in the middle of Jack Frost’s wrath, I don’t think I would care about flavor. All I would probably care about is drinking anything hot and doing something to get rid of my fripples.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 envelope not prepared – 110 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium, and 10% iron.)

Item: Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa Mix
Price: $7.19
Size: 8 envelopes
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Better than Swiss Miss. Chocolatey. Small slabs of dehydrated marshmallows. Made with ethically sourced cocoa. Taking off clothing to thoroughly review a product.
Cons: Slightly gritty. Fripples. Twice as expensive as Swiss Miss. My pale body. When mixed with water. Taking off too much clothing to thoroughly review a product.

REVIEW: Betty Crocker FUN-da-middles Yellow Cupcake Mix with Creamy Vanilla Filling

Stephanie 14 Comments

Betty Crocker FUN-da-middles Yellow Cupcake Mix with Creamy Vanilla Filling

Mistakes happen. For example, I think it was a mistake to use such a dopey name for the new Betty Crocker novelty cupcake mix. FUN-da-middles? I think I see what they’re trying to do here with the cupcake middles being filled with frosting and “Fundamental” being a word. But really Betty Crocker? FUN-da-middles? I… I just can’t.

I’m mature enough to admit when I’ve erred. Unfortunately, this tends to happen long after I’ve pulled twelve incorrectly-baked Betty Crocker Creamy Chocolate Filling FUN-da-middles cupcakes out of my oven and have realized that the trademark gooey center has pushed itself towards the edges of my bite-sized dessert and has made it into an entirely different snack food, one that doesn’t nearly resemble the dessert pictured on the box and isn’t at all FUN. So now, although I’d intended to write a review of two FUN-da-middles cupcake flavors, it’s now just going to be about one. The one I did correctly. My bad.

Baking doesn’t come naturally to me. Apparently, neither does following directions.

I have vivid memories of art classes in elementary school. There would come that moment after activity time, when each of our projects would be displayed on the wall or on the art table… and I would suddenly realize that my project looked different from everyone else’s. Circles that were supposed to be carefully constructed would be ovals. Five-point stars would have seven points. Photo collages would for some reason have drawings of dogs in them. Now I know why. With my mind already preoccupied with what I’d eat for lunch at school, plans to beat World 4 on Super Mario Bros 3 after school, and most likely, the Tiny Toons theme song, I barely listened to the teacher’s instructions and would oftentimes “wing it.” That’s what happened here with these Betty Crocker FUN-da-middles.

I’m not a fantastic baker to begin with. There are far too many variables at play for me to whip up something that looks like it came straight from the pages of Bon Appétit, In fact, my first batch of FUN-da-middles looked like something straight from the pages of Fangoria. And it’s all because I tried to be crafty and cheap and made up the rules as I went. Winging it. Bad idea.

Betty Crocker FUN-da-middles 3

Basically, when preparing the White Cake with Creamy Chocolate Filling FUN-da-middles, I switched out the oil and eggs in the recipe for diet soda. Usually, diet soda combined with cake mix makes a dense, crumbly cupcake that is low in fat. (Yay!) However, swapping in soda for this recipe was a mistake — the structural integrity of the cupcakes was compromised in a way that altered the entire batch. Here’s the way it’s supposed to work: You mix the batter and fill up each cup in the cupcake pan by one-third. Then, using the enclosed frosting packet, you squeeze little dollops of flavored frosting on top then cover with the remaining batter. After baking, the cupcakes should be fluffy and have a perfect, sweet, gooey center.

Betty Crocker FUN-da-middles 1

Not so for my cupcakes. My Creamy Chocolate Filling FUN-da-middles had a pudding-cake-like texture, very sticky. Not inedible, but definitely not what I wanted. I hadn’t realized that the chemical makeup of FUN-da-middles absolutely requires eggs and oil to make a stiffer cake, thereby creating a firm encasing for the gooey chocolate filling. So my cupcakes were more like FUN-da-OUTSIDES.

Betty Crocker FUN-da-middles 2

After kicking myself for about a day, I went back to the drawing board. This time, I baked the White Cake with Creamy Vanilla Filling FUN-da-middles. These looked more like your traditional Twinkie, and I figured if I actually followed the instructions this time, they’d taste like it. Actually, they tasted better than a Twinkie. The whole dozen came out much better than I had imagined, almost mirroring the picture on the box with nice golden outsides and white, gooey insides. Finally, the middles were FUN. Sort of.

Despite having to do a lot more measuring and clean up afterwards, thanks to cracked eggshells and oil drippings, I enjoyed the outcome. The cupcakes were dense but not oily, and the vanilla cream filling was light and sweet. These cupcakes were a little heavier and less squishier than my diet soda-induced, chocolate filling disaster.

So if you want to bake these cupcakes, don’t try to make up the rules as you go. You’ll end up with a real mess on your hands and all over the cupcake pan. I won’t lie, though…. While hard at work on my desserts, I still had the Tiny Toons theme song in my head.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/12 package – 120 calories (mix), 190 calories (as prepared), 2.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol,190 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 6% calcium, and 2% iron.)

Other Betty Crocker FUN-da-middles reviews:
Baking Bites

Item: Betty Crocker FUN-da-middles Yellow Cupcake Mix with Creamy Vanilla Filling
Price: $2.69
Size: 15.2 ounces / Makes 12 cupcakes
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: When prepared correctly, they had nice golden outsides and gooey insides. Following directions. Tiny Toons. Diet soda in regular boxed cake mix. Drawings of dogs in a photo collage.
Cons: Chocolate disasters. Diet soda in FUN-da-middles boxed cupcake mix. The fact that they’re called “FUN-da-middles.” Circles that are really ovals. World 4 in Super Mario Bros 3. Winging it while baking with an inflexible recipe.

REVIEW: Wendy’s Dave’s Hot ‘N Juicy 1/4 lb. Single Cheeseburger

Drew 11 Comments

Wendy's Dave's Hot 'N Juicy Cheeseburger

Let’s start with the elephant in the room: naming a product “Dave’s Hot ‘N Juicy” anything is just asking for the more childish among us to snicker uncontrollably and make jokes about hot beef injections.  (Lest you think it’s just me, my wife – an actual woman with emotions and maturity and all that — was the one to bring it up.  So there.)  It’s the same reason seafood restaurants don’t advertise their moist, steamy clams that are easier to open with alcohol.  Just not a good idea.

Name aside, the Hot ‘N Juicy Burgers mark a major and apparently permanent change for Wendy’s.  We all know what to expect from fast food burgers, and being square doesn’t make theirs any different.  But now, someone has awoken the sleeping giant.  What, you ask?  Normally I wouldn’t bother, but you guys are awesome, so I undertook a Google search at great personal expense and wasted productivity, learning that the Hot ‘N Juicy Burger is apparently Wendy’s attempt to catch up with McDonald’s and Burger King and to stay ahead of emerging competitors like Five Guys.  They plan to accomplish this goal by beefing up (pun intended yet immediately regretted) the quality of their burgers with thicker patties, better toppings, and buttered, toasted buns.

Wendy's Dave's Hot 'N Juicy Cheeseburger Wrapper

Which is all well and good, but color me puce (the color of skepticism).  Talk is cheap, so I headed to my nearest Wendy’s and picked up one of their new burgers of the future.  I’m normally partial to bacon cheeseburgers, because it’s like saying to nature, “My hideous cravings cannot be satiated by the flesh of but one animal. Only multiple sacrifices will garner my favor.”  And anything that makes you feel like a Greek god without having to resort to infanticide or bestiality is a winner in my book.  But this time I chose to forgo the bacon because I couldn’t risk its presence artificially inflating the score.  Let’s face it: bacon makes everything better.  It’s the breast implants of the food world.  Ergo, if you choose to unleash its mighty power, you can probably bump up the score a point or two.

Wendy's Dave's Hot 'N Juicy Cheeseburger Innards 2

And the overall verdict is… well, I think the Hot ‘N Juicy Burger is better.  Understand that I usually order the 99 cent double stacks or junior bacon cheeseburgers, which have dulled my taste buds.  Buying one of those is like a tacit agreement between you and Wendy’s wherein they cut you a break on price, and you pretend your burger isn’t 65% sawdust and rat grundles.  This new offering is definitely better than those, but I don’t know how much better it is than the previous 1/4 lb. cheeseburger.  (Also: this is a tangent, but if it’s actually 1/4 lb., then “thicker patties” is a nonsensical claim.  I’m not an idiot, so don’t imply I’m getting more burger if the actual weight remains the same.  And if it’s greater than 1/4 lb., change the damn name.)

Still, it’s pretty good.  Not perfect, but the meat was flavorful, plentiful, and as the name suggests, fairly juicy.  (It was hot too, but I’d prefer to keep that between me and Dave, if you don’t mind.)  On the negative side, it didn’t taste any less greasy than their previous burgers.  You can see from the picture that the cheese is far more melted than they used to bother making it.  The bun definitely looks less smushed and tasted crispier than their prior offerings, no doubt due to the toasting, which is clearly evident in terms of a nice brown on both halves of the bun.  I couldn’t personally taste any butter, but I’ll take their word for it that it’s in there.  My overall impression was that this is indeed an improved burger, though not one you’ll be mistaking for a bar burger unless you’re actually IN a bar getting sloshed.

Wendy's Dave's Hot 'N Juicy Cheeseburger Innards

In the interest of total fairness, many of the upgrades Wendy’s is boasting about lie with the toppings: red onions instead of white; better, crinkled pickles; and whole-fat mayonnaise.  As has been well documented, I’m not a vegetables or extraneous toppings kind of guy, excepting meatstuffs of course.  Having opted for a plain cheeseburger, I can’t comment on whether the new and improved toppings make a big difference to the overall taste or not, but you might find that to be the case.

So with all these improvements, what’s the catch?  Well, Wendy’s has admitted that though franchisees set their own prices, the cost of a burger will probably rise slightly because of the higher-quality ingredients.  I don’t know what the price of a quarter pounder was at my local Wendy’s prior to the revamp, but I’ll offer that $4.09 for a fast food burger feels really steep.  My daughters shouldn’t both have to marry rich just so daddy can afford a better burger, and the guys at the drive-thru have stopped falling for my “I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger to-day” routine.

Ultimately, if you’ve never been a fan of fast food burgers before, the Hot ‘N Juicy Burger is unlikely to change your mind.  And the fact that it’s 520 calories with nothing but cheese on it is, well, not unexpected but still distressing.  But if you were okay with them before, you’re in for a treat, albeit one that may be coming out of your own wallet.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/4 lb.. cheeseburger with no toppings – 520 calories, 250 calories from fat, 27 grams of total fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 100 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,030 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugars, 30 grams of protein.)

Other Wendy’s Hot ‘N Juicy reviews:
Grub Grade
An Immovable Feast

Item: Wendy’s Dave’s Hot ‘N Juicy 1/4 lb. Single Cheeseburger
Price: $4.09
Size: 1/4 lb.
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Keeping up with the Joneses.  Feeling like a Greek god.  Flavorful meat.  Melty cheese. Apparently better toppings.  Toastiest buns outside of Chippendale’s.  A really nice set of… bacon.
Cons: Pairing provocative adjectives with a dead guy’s name.  “Thicker patty” scam where the weight stays the same.  Rat grundles.  Hefty price.  Still pretty greasy. 

NEWS: Make Room In Your Belly This Holiday Season For New 3 Musketeers, M&M’s, and Snickers Varieties

Marvo 1 Comment

This December, while you’re waiting in long store checkout lines, listening to children cry as they sit on the lap of a mall Santa, and giving the stink eye to the person who grabbed the last $200 40″ HDTV right before you could, keep an eye out for new 3 Musketeers, M&M’s, and Snickers varieties.

Just like health nuts are in love with coconut water, the folks at Mars are in love with adding coconut to their popular candies, coming out with Coconut M&M’s and Coconut Twix over the past couple of years. The next candy to get knocked over the head with coconut is the 3 Musketeers candy bar. The 3 Musketeers Coconut bars will feature coconut flavor mixed into the chocolate nougat. The 1.49-ounce bars will have a suggested retail price of $1.09.

Do you like Mint M&M’s? Do you like Dark Chocolate M&M’s? If I told you Mars was combining the two to make Mint Dark Chocolate M&M’s, would it blow your mind and make you yell, “Screw my diet! Where’s my remote? Cause I’mma going to get my chocolate on!” Mint Dark Chocolate M&M’s will be available in 1.5-ounce bags with a suggested retail price of $1.09.

Finally, Mars will also release in December, Snickers 3X Chocolate 2 To Go Bars. Yes, that is one clusterfuck of a name. I’m surprised there isn’t the word “too” in its name since it has two other to..too..two. Never mind. The new candy bar with the silly name features roasted peanuts in chocolate caramel on top of chocolate nougat and covered in milk chocolate. The new candy bar with the silly name will come in 3.14-ounces bars and have a suggested price of $1.69.

ANNOUNCEMENT: McDonald’s Gift Card Winner!!!

Marvo

Here’s the winner of the $25 McDonald’s Gift Card:

Jp

In case you were wondering, Jp would like to party with Grimace.

Congratulations to Jp!

Also, thank you to all of you who participated. For those of you who are disappointed you didn’t win, we’ve got another gift card prize drawing coming up later this month. So keep an eye out for that.