Spicy Chicken BK Wrapper

Marvo 21 Comments

The new Spicy Chicken BK Wrapper is very similar to the McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap. It’s like Ronald McDonald and The King are taking the essay portion of the SAT Exam and The King is looking over Ronald’s shoulder with his huge head and copying his essay almost verbatim. If I were Ronald McDonald, I would be pissed and gather all my McDonaldland friends, find the house where The King is hiding out, and then beat down his plastic face and whopper of an ass with some golden arches.

This is how I would plan it out. I’d get Grimace, because he would be the muscle, or at least could ask stupid questions to disorient The King. The Hamburglar’s lock picking skills can get us through any door. Birdie the Early Bird can be aerial surveillance, like a police chopper, in case The King gets away. The Gobblins and the McNugget Buddies can be ground surveillance, since they’re small and hard to detect. Officer Big Mac can restrain The King with his handcuffs, and if necessary, knock a few fake plastic teeth from The King’s fake smile via pistol whipping. Finally, Mayor McCheese can oversee the operation and handle any of the logistics, because if he can run a town, he can manage a beat down. Once they give The King a taste of his own medicine and sneak up on him, I would send Ronald McDonald with the previously mentioned golden arches and have him beat that crown right off The King’s head.

The Spicy Chicken BK Wrapper consisted of spicy, crispy chicken, three types of shredded cheese, and a Southwest sauce wrapped in a soft tortilla. What stood out most was the flatness of the chicken, which looked like a wide BK Chicken Fry or it got a beating from an irate Ronald McDonald armed with golden arches. Another weird thing about this product is that, at times, it tasted like a soft beef taco from Taco Bell with mild sauce. Speaking of spicy, the Southwest sauce added to the BK wrap gave it a weak kick. On a heat scale of 1-10, with ten being an eternity spent in hell and one being the heat from a cell phone used to replace a lighter at a concert, the Spicy Chicken BK Wrapper was a three on the heat scale.

Despite being available for a limited time only and somewhat tasty, I don’t think I’m going to rush out to my nearest BK and gorge on the reasonably priced Spicy Chicken BK Wrapper while I can, because it’s not very spicy and I’m afraid of the consequences if Ronald McDonald and his McDonaldland friends catch me eating one.

(Nutrition Facts – Couldn’t find it on Burger King website. I could make them up, but I would use a lot of commas. For example, I would probably say that it has 10,000,000,000 milligrams of sodium. Of course, this would be 100 percent false, but if it encourages Burger King to post the actual nutrition facts, I’m going to say that it does.)

Item: Spicy Chicken BK Wrapper
Price: $1.49
Size: 6 inches
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Reasonably priced. Tasty. Crunchy chicken. A fight between Ronald McDonald and The King. The Hamburglar’s lock picking skills.
Cons: Not very spicy. Chicken was flattened. At times, it tasted like a soft taco from Taco Bell. Similar to the McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap. No nutrition facts on website. Getting attacked by Ronald McDonald and his McDonaldland friends.

Mango Orange Peach Jamba Juicie

Marvo 20 Comments

The Mango Orange Peach Jamba Juicie seems like it is supposed to give buyers the opportunity to experience Jamba Juice whenever they want, but I feel that fruity experience goes beyond what’s sucked through a straw.

It’s not Jamba Juice without having people judge you for the free boost you choose. It’s not Jamba Juice without the bright colored walls and employees that dress how you wish you could dress at your job — in a t-shirt and jeans. It’s not Jamba Juice without the whirring of powerful blenders that force you to yell your order at a decibel reserved for misbehaving children and clubs that play shitty hip-hop mixes, but can blend your smoothie together in less than a minute. The Mango Orange Peach Jamba Juicie may not come with all of that, but even if it did, what’s inside the bottle is a poor representation of Jamba Juice that could turn the bright colored walls of one of its stores into a drab color that’s usually reserved for poor bridesmaid dress choices.

Despite the front of the bottle clearly stating it has mango, orange, and peach, if you look at the ingredients list, there is also white grape, banana, and pineapple. Why so secretive about those other fruits? Who knows? But even if they weren’t so unforthcoming, sticking all of the fruits prominently on the front of the bottle would be a graphic designer’s nightmare equivalent to being forced to run the latest version of Photoshop with only 125 megabytes of RAM.

With all of those fruits in there, you would expect an explosion of fruity flavors that would make Barney Rubble stop stealing Fred’s Fruity Pebbles, but the only fruits I could really taste were the peach and orange. Its flavor was decent, but not being able to taste the mango, which I love for its taste and aphrodisiac abilities, was disappointing. Although the smoothie’s texture was slightly creamy, it didn’t come close to the thick, icy goodness of blended smoothies. Also, normal Jamba Juice smoothies are a really good source for vitamins and minerals, but the Jamba Juicie wasn’t.

However, there were two things that the Mango Orange Peach Jamba Juicie had in common with most regular Jamba Juice smoothies. First, it comes with a fiber boost, which provides a nice five grams of dietary fiber. Secondly, like most Jamba Juice drinks, it’s kind of pricey at $3.49 for 12.5 ounces.

Overall, I’m not impressed with Jamba Juice’s attempt at pre-mixed drinks. It may work for Starbucks, but the Jamba Juicie isn’t so juicy. (Get it? Ha! I. Am. So. Lame.) So if you have a hankering for a Jamba Juice smoothie, I suggest you skip the Jamba Juicie and get the real thing.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 230 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 40 milligrams of sodium, 52 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of dietary fiber, 45 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 20% Calcium, 20% Vitamin C, and 6% Iron.)

Item: Mango Orange Peach Jamba Juicie
Price: $3.49
Size: 12.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Fat free. Fiber boost provides 5 grams of dietary fiber. Uses non-fat milk. Extra fruits added. Getting to wear a t-shirt and jeans at work.
Cons: Jamba Juicie isn’t so juicy. Pricey for what you get. Couldn’t taste the mango. Not high in vitamins and minerals as regular Jamba Juice smoothies. Texture was like slightly creamy, but not close to an actual smoothie. Running Photoshop with only 125 megabytes of RAM.

Limited Edition Oreo Banana Split Creme

Marvo 21 Comments

Looking for a review of the 2013 version? Click here.

The Limited Edition Oreo Banana Split Cream Creme is intriguing because bananas and chocolate have a good chemistry together like Kate and Allie, Cagney and Lacey, or any other 1980s television duo that 30 percent of you probably have never heard of. This is the second limited edition Oreo that Nabisco has introduced this year, following the addictive Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Cream Creme. Since it is a limited edition product, I only get to enjoy it for a time equivalent to a Britney Spears marriage.

When I opened the bag of the Oreo Banana Split Cream Creme, I instantly smelled the scent of artificial bananas in the air and the cream creme by itself had a very artificial taste that reminded me of banana Runts. Unless you love banana Runts, I would stay away from scraping the banana cream creme with your front teeth. To be honest, all the cream creme is good for is allowing monkeys to throw something made from bananas without having to eat, digest, and poop it.

Although the cream creme by itself isn’t that great, the combination of it and the chocolate cookies, surprisingly, go very well with each other. The cookies seemed to tone down the strong artificial banana flavor. When you put those two together, they are like Roland Orzabal and Curt Smith from Tears for Fears, Daryl Hall and John Oates from Hall & Oates, George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley from Wham!, or any other 1980s musical duo that 25 percent of you have never of.

Like pizza and sex, it’s hard to have a bad Oreo flavor. I’ve pretty much enjoyed every single version I’ve tried, although I will admit that the original Oreo is still probably the best. Some of you Oreo purists might be wondering whether or not these limited-edition Oreos are as dunkable as original.

Unfortunately, I hardly drink moo milk anymore, but I did dunk them into my soy milk. Now I know you Oreo purists might be spitting black Oreo crumbs at your monitor saying that it is blasphemy to use soy milk and you wish that I end up drunk on a Guys Gone Wild video and live a life full of regret and shame for exposing myself to the world, but it turned out that they’re very enjoyable with soy milk, so I’m sure they’ll be just as good with regular milk.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 1 grams of protein, 8% iron, and hours of bananas dancing in my dreams.)

Item: Oreo Banana Split Cream Creme
Price: $3.50
Size: 12 ounces (24 cookies)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Banana cream creme and chocolate cookies make a surprisingly nice combination. Goes nicely with soy milk. Getting hit with the banana cream creme by a monkey. The 1980s. No trans fats. Hall & Oates.
Cons: Strong artificial smell. Cream Creme has a strong artificial taste that tastes like banana Runts. Eating more than two of them in one sitting. Getting hit with poop by a monkey. Ending up on a Guys Gone Wild video and exposing myself. Spelling the word “cream” like “creme.”

PRIZE DRAWING: Because I Want Someone Else To Experience My Pain

Marvo 74 Comments

Recently, I reviewed the Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste. Although I’m using it on a regular basis (every third day or so), it took some time to get used to its taste, which is a nice way of saying something like, “Wooo! You dropped a bomb in here. But the more I smell it, the more I’m getting used to it.” The Southeast Asian toothpaste was sent to me by TIB reader LaneO, who apparently enjoys reading about my pain. Fortunately, he sent me two extra tubes of the toothpaste, which means two “lucky” readers get to experience what I experienced.

Now. Now. Now. Don’t be flooding the comments all at once to enter this prize drawing and cause TIB to bork. I know all of you want to win toothpaste that looks like shit, but read the rules first, which are below.

To enter this prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with what you plan to do with your tube of Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste if you win or whatever else you’d like to say. Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winner for their mailing address. The Impulsive Buy will stop accepting entries on Thursday, September 18, 2008 11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to almost everyone, except people in Thailand, because they can probably walk a block and pick some up.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you emails about cheap iPod parts from a Southeastern Asian country. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about how you can save hundreds of dollars by switching to GEICO auto insurance. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or gagging caused by the toothpaste.

Fourth Anniversary Winners Announced!!!

Marvo 2 Comments

Before I announce the winners, I have to say that I couldn’t come up with a creative way to pick the winners. In previous years, I’ve used condoms, whipped cream pies, and my naked body to pick winning entries, but this prize drawing was pretty uneventful and not very messy. So if you have a creative way for me to pick the winners for the next prize drawing, which is coming very soon, please let me know in the comments.

As for this prize drawing, the names of entrants were thrown into brown paper bag, which was shaken, and then I pulled out the winners. (I know. That was so lame.) So without further ado, here are the four winners of the Fourth Anniversary TIB Prize Drawing:

Comment #40 – Jessica
Comment #69 – Bill Boggs
Comment #163 – woot woot
Comment #230 – Becca

Each winner will receive a Mystery Box filled with products that The Impulsive Buy has reviewed over the years. Maybe they’ll be some Pop-Tarts or maybe they’ll be some weird Japanese products, who knows because it’s a mystery.

Wooooo! ::waves hands in air::

Thanks to everyone who participated!