NEWS: Axe Hair Products Contribute To Global Swarming of Dudes Who Reek

I had a crush on my English teacher when I was a freshman in high school. I was hoping she would break the law, go all Mary Kay Letourneau on my body and turn me into her underaged boy toy, but unfortunately my acne-covered face and braces didn’t persuade her to do so. While trying to woo her, I started wearing cologne. But I unfortunately didn’t know how much cologne I should wear. I thought five sprays all over my body would want her to come closer to me, but it did the opposite and one day she told me that I should use less cologne…a lot less cologne.

So from that moment on, I’ve only given myself one good spray of cologne before I go out. I bring this story up because there are going to be a helluva lot of guys whose Axe stench is going to be greater now that there are Axe hair products to go along with their shower gels, deodorants, and body sprays. The Axe hair products have actually been out for a couple of months, but I didn’t find out until recently and I’m letting people know as a public service announcement.

The hair products include shampoos, conditioners, 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioners, and hairstyling products. All of the hair products come with the typical Axe-ified names. The shampoo and conditioners are called Constrict, Dual, Intense, Armor, Primed, and Lure, while the styling products are named Charged, Laid Back, Whatever, and Refined. Axe hairstyling products retails for $6.99, while their shampoos and conditioners go for $5.99.

Click here to read TIB’s review of the Axe Messy Look Paste

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites

I’ll make love to you
Like you want me to
And I’ll hold you tight
Baby all through the night
I’ll make love to you
When you want me to
And I will not let go
‘Till you tell me to

I’ve never wanted to sing the chorus of the Boyz II Men song “I’ll Make Love To You” to a box of cereal before, until I tried the Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites, which is being marketed to kids. I would sing more than just the chorus if only I knew the rest of the song’s lyrics, because I keep getting the lines mixed up between this song, the other Boyz II Men hit, “On Bended Knee,” and Color Me Badd’s “I Wanna Sex You Up.”

Also, if I sang more I would be breaking a lot of windows with my voice. Not because it provides a high-pitch frequency to shatter glass, but because people will jump through windows to quickly get away from the sound that’s coming out of my mouth.

I won’t sing “I’ll Make Love To You” to just any box of cereal, despite what other cereal boxes, which I won’t name for fear of being snap, crackled or popped, might say about me. The Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites are so good that I just want to stick my face into a bowl of it and lap it up like a dog after playing fetch the ball with Payton Manning.

When I bite into them it feels like there are small pieces of chocolate in each cereal biscuit, which is possible since the ingredients include semisweet chocolate chips. And I’m not talking about fake-ass mockolate. I’m talking about the real shit with cocoa butter. By keeping it real, the cereal tastes like little slices of chocolate cake and that’s why I sing:

I’ll make love to you
Like you want me to
And I’ll hold you tight
Baby all through the night
I’ll make love to you
When you want me to
And I will not let go
‘Till you tell me to

Not only does this cereal taste good, it’s also good for me because it has six grams of dietary fiber per serving, which is about one-fourth of the daily recommended intake of fiber. It’s also made with 100% whole grains, although because the cereal makes me want to spend a lot of money to get into its box, I think it might actually be made out of whore grains instead.

Perhaps the only characteristic I didn’t like about the Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites was its name, which was confusing. Each piece of cereal was nearly half the size of regular Frosted Mini-Wheats, but its name didn’t articulate that because I tend to think that “little” is bigger than “mini.” If the iPod has taught me anything, besides not sticking my Belle & Sebastian collection on it so that people won’t think I’m a pussy, it’s that items from small to smallest should be named mini, nano, and shuffle.

I really hope Kellogg’s never decides to discontinue their Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites because it’s so good and so good for me that if they did halt production of it I would have to start singing the Boyz II Men song, “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday.”

(Nutrition Facts – About 52 biscuits – 200 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 270 milligrams of potassium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, 27 grams of other carbohydrates, 5 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites
Price: $6.29
Size: 14.5 ounces
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like little slices of chocolate cake. Six grams of fiber per serving. Made with 100% whole grain. Contains real semisweet chocolate. A bunch of vitamins and minerals. Tastes best when eaten without milk.
Cons: Name is confusing. Milk kind of weakens its taste. Being caught with Belle & Sebastian on my iPod. My singing.

REVIEW: BK Burger Shots

Geez, it seems like everyone is reproducing by the litter. First, it was the and now Burger King has spewed out from its flame-broiled uterus the BK Burger Shots.

I wouldn’t be surprised if TLC offered either of them a reality show on their network.

The BK Burger Shots come in either a two- or six-pack. I bought the six-pack because sometimes I like to pretend I have friends. Each shot comes with a wittle flame-broiled burger topped with a wittle bit of mustard, a wittle bit of ketchup and a pickle in between a wittle fluffy bun. Those of you who have the privilege of living near a White Castle or Krystal, and love their sliders, are probably screaming obscenities at your monitor and calling Burger King an unoriginal bastard. But those of you who don’t live near a White Castle or Krystal can now have your own Harold and Kumar adventure after smoking a big bowl of the ganja.

As you can see in the picture above, the BK Burger Shots six-pack looks like an actual set of six-pack abs, making them the newest item that looks like six-pack abs but will ironically prevent you from obtaining your own six-pack abs. It joins such products as the six-pack of beer, six-pack of soda and six-pack of butter.

From the top, they may look like individual abs, but each pair is joined at the beef so they’re actually more like Siamese twins that you have to rip apart. Once you rip them apart and look under the bun, you will channel the ghost of Clara Peller and ask out loud, “Where’s the Beef?” The burgers are round and noticeably smaller than the squarish buns they’re in, which were roughly the size of a standard dinner roll.

If you’ve had a Burger King hamburger, then you probably have an idea of what a BK Burger Shot tastes like, although I have to say that they didn’t taste as flame-broiled as their Whopper. It’s good, but there’s nothing truly special about them because they’re just smaller versions of their regular hamburger.

I think it would be so much better if Burger King pushed out of their flame-broiled womb either a six-pack of mini Whoppers or something like a White Castle slider.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 pack – 660 calories, 33 grams of fat, 13.5 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 1260 milligrams of sodium, 54 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 42 grams of protein.)

Item: BK Burger Shots
Price: $5.49 (retails for $4.09 in most other places)
Size: 6-pack
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Good. Comes in a two- or six-pack. Now stoners can have a Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle-like adventure. Pickles in burgers.
Cons: Nothing special since they taste like a regular BK hamburger. Seemed to taste less flame-broiled than a Whopper. Burger patties looked noticeably smaller than the buns they’re in. Will not help you obtain six-pack abs despite looking like six-pack abs. Copying White Castle and Krystal.

NEWS: Dunkin’ Donuts Introduces a Waffle Breakfast Sandwich That Makes Me Weep

There used to be two Dunkin’ Donuts within close driving distance from my apartment about 2-3 years ago, but both are now gone. One was knocked down to make way for a Safeway and the other was in a horrible location, which caused it to close and it is now occupied by a Chinese seafood restaurant. If they were still around, I would be able to taste the new Dunkin’ Donuts Waffle Breakfast Sandwich.

Instead, I’m forced to only dream about its cherrywood smoked bacon, scrambled eggs and American cheese in between two maple-infused waffles. Actually, because I can never taste that goodness, I wouldn’t be dreaming. I would be having a nightmare, which would force me to try to Frankenstein it by build one using Eggo waffles, Oscar Mayer turkey bacon, Egg Beaters, generic pancake syrup and Velveeta slices.

The Dunkin’ Donuts Waffle Breakfast Sandwich contains 390 calories, 23 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1000 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 16 grams of protein. It will be available through March 17 in states that have a Dunkin’ Donuts at a suggested retail price of $2.99.

REVIEW: Honey Kix

Kix has always been one of those cereals that have puzzled me. It’s one of those cereals that makes me wonder why it’s still on store shelves because, frankly, it’s as tasty as a wet hobo’s home. I used to think that way about Rice Krispies too, but then realized that its production is probably still going thanks to people who makes homemade Rice Krispies Treats and those who use it to absorb liquid spills.

My dislike for regular Kix was the reason why I was skeptical about the new Honey Kix. It would take a lot for me to like Kix and adding honey might not be enough to do it because you can put a sheep’s clothing on a wolf and it’s still a wolf and you can put a beard on Spencer Pratt and he’s still an asshole. What also made me pessimistic about Honey Kix was the fact that, just like the original Kix, it’s “Kid-Tested, Mother-Approved.”

“Kid-Tested” is such a vague term. Sure, they gave it to kids and they might’ve all hated it or they might’ve all loved it, but there’s no way to know what those children were thinking with the open-ended phrase, “Kid-Tested.” At one point, kids might’ve liked Kix, perhaps back in 1937, when it was introduced. But, of course, kids would like it back then because they didn’t have much of a choice. There wasn’t enough variety to have a cereal aisle. It was just a cereal corner.

What I want to know is, how often do they do these tests?

I hope they do it often because kids likes and dislikes are so fickle. If they need someone to do more tests, I could do it because I understand the basics of experimentation thanks to college chemistry and watching Mythbusters. All I need is a kid to be a control subject who eats only Kix and a bunch of other kids to be subjects that aren’t controls who will be eating cereals that will make the control subject jealous. Although, now that I think about it, it will be difficult to do this testing since I’m pretty sure having a 33-year-old man entice children to his “laboratory” with promises of delicious cereal is illegal in most, if not all, countries.

I ended up using myself as a test subject with the Honey Kix. The first thing I noticed about the latest Kix is that it’s much more yellow in color than regular Kix. Then I noticed it stayed crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. Its taste was definitely sweeter than original Kix and it had a slight honey flavor that made the cereal sort of taste like Cookie Crisp, except without the chocolate. But it’s flavor won’t satisfy those who love their sugary cereals that either come with marshmallows or colors that don’t occur in nature.

After all my experiments, I’ve come to the conclusion that Honey Kix is better than original Kix. So consider it, “Marvo-Tested, Marvo-Approved!”

(Nutrition Facts – 1.25 cups – 120 calories, 1 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 70 milligrams of potassium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 19 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and lots of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Honey Kix
Price: $5.99
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sweeter than original Kix. Sort of tastes like Cookie Crisp without the chocolate. Provides 16 grams of whole grain. No high fructose corn syrup. 3 grams of dietary fiber. A bunch of vitamins and minerals. No artificial flavors or preservatives. Mythbusters. Using Rice Krispies to absorb liquids.
Cons: Taste won’t satisfy those who love sugary cereals. “Kid-Tested” is vague term. Enticing children to a “laboratory” with promises of delicious cereal. The asshole-ness of Spencer Pratt. The fickleness of children.