REVIEW: Hot Chocolate Pop-Tarts

In college, my nickname was “Hot Chocolate.”

Well at least I wanted my nickname to be “Hot Chocolate,” but it didn’t catch on with anyone, despite my numerous attempts, like whenever I had to introduce myself in Japanese language class I would say, “Boku no namae wa Marubin desu. Dozo yoroshiku. Nikkunemu wa Hatto Chokurato desu.”

Or whenever someone introduced me at a party or I had to introduce myself in an English-speaking class, I would always say, “My name is Marvin, but all my friends call me “Hot Chocolate.”

That last part was a lie. Unfortunately, none of my friends called me “Hot Chocolate.”

I thought it would make a great nickname for me since I enjoy hot chocolate, listen regularly to the song “You Sexy Thing” by the British group Hot Chocolate, and have a habit of melting candy bars in my pants pockets.

It would’ve been a cool nickname if it caught on, but it didn’t, much like a bunch of fashion trends I tried to start in college, like bowties, bringing back the mullet hairstyle, and wearing jeans low to show off my ass crack whenever I sat down or squatted.

To this day, I’m not sure why I wasn’t able to get anyone to call me “Hot Chocolate.” Perhaps people didn’t know about my love of hot chocolate or perhaps it was that every time I said “Hot Chocolate,” I would say it in a high-pitched voice and then wrap my arms around myself in a B-boy pose.

I may not be able to get others to call me “Hot Chocolate,” but for some reason these new Hot Chocolate Pop-Tarts have no problem being called “Hot Chocolate,” despite not even tasting like hot chocolate and marshmallows like the picture on the box suggests.

Sure it’s got the words “hot chocolate” printed on its box, but when I put “Hot Chocolate” on one of those “Hello My Name Is” name tags, that didn’t even convince anyone to call me by my desired nickname. I thought about getting “Hot Chocolate” tattooed on one of my ass cheeks, but quickly realized the words on my ass would have a totally different meaning whenever I had to take a crap.

Despite not tasting like hot chocolate, the Hot Chocolate Pop-Tarts weren’t bad. They were chocolatey, but not hot chocolatey, and they weren’t as good as some of the other chocolatey Pop-Tarts I’ve reviewed. Speaking of other chocolatey flavors of Pop-Tarts, this one didn’t come with a recommendation to freeze them, but I did try them frozen and they were all right. Just like an Owen Wilson cameo in a Luke Wilson movie, or visa versa, freezing it didn’t make a difference at all.

Each Hot Chocolate Pop-Tart has 200 calories, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, zero grams of trans fat, 200 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbs, less than one gram of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, two grams of protein, 50 milligrams of mediocrity, and a variety of vitamins and minerals.

Now that I think about it, I’m actually glad that “Hot Chocolate” didn’t stick as my nickname, because I now have a new nickname that I’d like to be called. I think I’m going to try to get people to call me “The Pocket Rocket,” because of my love of cargo pants and my fascination with NASA.

Item: Hot Chocolate Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.39
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sweet. Chocolatey. Vitamins and minerals. Hot chocolate the drink. The song “You Sexy Thing” by Hot Chocolate. Didn’t get that Hot Chocolate tattoo on my ass.
Cons: No one wanted to call me “Hot Chocolate.” Doesn’t really taste like hot chocolate. Freezing it doesn’t do anything for it. Melted candy bars in my pocket. My excessive use of quotation marks in this review. None of the fashion trends I tried to start in college caught on, especially showing off my ass crack.

28 thoughts to “REVIEW: Hot Chocolate Pop-Tarts”

  1. I grew up always wanting a nickname and the ones that I gave myself did not stick either. Good thing too cause now that I look back – they were pretty dumb nicknames. LOL!

    Just think…about the tatoo….if you did get it….I am sure someone would have started calling you “Hot Chocolate.” At least it would have been good for a laugh. Something people would most definatly talk about. They would think you were very clever. 😉 LOL!

    So just how many variations of Chocolate Pop-Tarts are there?

  2. Okay, I truly despise Pop Tarts–never liked ’em…always thought they tasted like hot cardboard with warm jam-like drool drizzle. These don’t sound like a reinvention–although I myself am also a fan of hot chocolate. Betting that it’s still hot cardboard with chocolate drool.

    As for the nickname…at least you didn’t think “Hot Pocket” would’ve been cool. Dodged a bullet there, didn’t you. Won’t tell you my nickname–that’s classified.

  3. These might have been interesting to try frozen, but they definitely wouldn’t have been “Hot” then, so it would be even less like hot chocolate. So, did you ever try to get people to call you “Sexual Chocolate” instead? Of course, I doubt that nickname would have taken off either.

  4. Gotta agree with Domo-Kun, I’ve never liked Pop Tarts. 200 calories a pop (u c wut i did thur?), and the taste is pretty poor as well, both hot and cold. I like how they’re both naturally and artificially flavoured though, that’s a mix I rarely see.

  5. I cannot imagine that chocolate pop tarts would taste good – and I like the other folks am not a big fan of pop tarts.

  6. I guess I’m in the minority, because I love Pop Tarts. I don’t know about these, though. Too many varieties messes with a classic. Although the s’mores version is good, the strawberry ones are the best.

    Speaking of B-Boy, you should check out this video on the “B-Boy Stance”. Cracks me up every time.

  7. $3.39/box for poptarts? seriously? that sounds like an awful lot of money for freakin poptarts. I never eat poptarts but every time you do a review on them, you make me crave them. 🙂

  8. I’m tempted by these because they have marshmallows, but they probably won’t replace hot fudge sundae pop tarts as my favorite. Can you even taste the marshmallows???

  9. When you hit 50 and you hear the snap of your proctologist’s rubber gloves, you will be soooo incredibly glad you never got Hot Chocolate tattooed on your bum.

    I’m a fan of berry flavored pop tarts, but chocolate ones just sound nazzzzty.

  10. I always enjoyed the Smores pop tarts after being heated. I grew up on Pop Tarts, but I don’t like them as much as I used to.

    You know – breasts and cereal are the only things I like as much/more then I used to.

  11. One of my co-workers used to work at motorcycle repair shop, and he told me about one of the guys who worked there who always drank hot chocolate instead of coffee. Needless to say, apparently in this environment drinking hot chocolate is a no-no. They would pull pranks on him like filling up his toolbox with hot cocoa packets. And they gave him the nickname “Swiss Miss”.

  12. Stefani – How many chocolate Pop-Tarts are there? I think I’ve reviewed them all. Smores, Chocolate Chip, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, Hot Fudge Sundae, Mint Chocolate Chip, and a few more I’m probably forgetting.

    Domokun – Oooh, so many bad things come to mind when I think “Hot Pocket,” like Paris Hilton’s vagina.

    Chuck – Sexual chocolate definitely wouldn’t have taken off. The only nickname with the word “sexual” in it that would’ve taken off is “Sexual Deficiency.”

    Terry – As long as no one tells me what’s natural and what’s artificial, I’ll still eat them.

    stephanie – I only like strudel’s because it’s fun to say it in my Arnold Schwarzenegger voice.

    tanya – I think I know what would make chocolate Pop-Tarts more desirable by you — having them dipped in real chocolate.

    Brie – Yes, Pop-Tarts have been popping out a whole lot of varieties recently. I think K-Fed and his Super Sperm have been poppin’ Pop-Tart, if you know what I’m sayin’.

  13. Webmiztris – Yeah, I didn’t get them on sale, but that’s okay. I just have to whore my body to pay off the $3.39. 😉

    Barb – YES! Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts is the shiznit!!! I could taste the possible fake marshmallows, but I don’t really like my hot chocolate with marshmallows.

    Sara – Sadly, Calories = goodness.

    Meldi – I think my favorite all-time Pop-Tart was the frosted Apple Cinnamon Pop-Tarts. Unfortunately, they don’t exist anymore.

    Tickkid – Mmm…Breasts.

    Zadillo – Sounds like a prank we would do at work. We made a throne out of Pepsi cans for my co-worker and made him look for his actual chair by placing cans of Pepsi around our building.

    tanyetta – Sure they make my teeth hurt a little, but I likes the Pop-Tarts

  14. The only time I ever eat Poptarts is when I’m broke, with out groceries, and the only other edible option is mustard. In these desperate times I enjoy the Blueberry.

    Regarding nick names: I had no say in any mine. GeNatalia. Natalian Sausage. Slut.

  15. I have never had a poptart. I blame my mother, she wouldn’t let us eat sugary stuff in the morning.

    Nickname bestowed by friend’s bratty little sister: Abby Normal

  16. Worst nickname ever? Mooolissa. Which is even more horrifying now since I have become rather bovine in shape since the birth of the “Little Woman”.

    Thus, no 200 calorie cardboard snacks for me.

  17. I’ve started eating Strawberry Pop Tarts lately.

    I tried to get kids to call me Strawberry Girl as a nickname when I was a kid. Sadly I never quite shook the other names they chose to call me.

  18. Marvo, from now one you’ll be the Hot Chocolate Pocket Rocket to me. Because it sounds slightly messy and sexy, which is how you strike me, too. Not that you strike me, you’re not that kind of guy, right?

  19. I too, grew up too poor to be able to be able to eat Pop Tarts with any regularity. Which is why I find myself coveting them even though I’m disappointed with them everytime I eat them (and trust me, it is very, very RARE that I’m disappointed with food). And this is why this is Marvo’s the Hot Chocolate Pocket Rocket’s (nice Melanie!)review blog and not Josie’s. Because if it was, every single edible product review would simply read “Yummy. Yummy. Want more. 5 out of 5.”

  20. If you introduced yourself as hot chocolate then I would think to myself “does that mean he shits in his pants a lot?” but I’m a prick sometimes. My name is Jodi so I wanted to have the nickname Jo-Jo in college but I never went so it definitely didn’t stick. Every once in a while I still say “hey I am Jo-Jo the po-ta-to”

  21. Abby – I don’t know what would’ve happened to me if I didn’t get sugar in the morning. I probably would’ve flunked a few grades, but I would probably wouldn’t have been husky.

    Melis – If you won’t eat them, that means more for us. 🙂

    cybele – So what were the other names they called you, just in case I want to call you names. 😉

    Melanie – I wouldn’t strike a woman, but I would pay one to slap me around.

    Josie – I know how I could get you to like Pop-Tarts, but it will probably add five pounds. Just get two chocolatey Pop-Tarts and some vanilla ice cream. Plop some vaniila ice cream on one of the Pop-Tarts and then put the other one on top of it and voila, Pop-Tart Ice Cream sandwich.

    Goob – Either that or I really love fondue.

    Tamara – Toasty deliciousness!!!

  22. I’ve had friends that were able to semi-self-select the nicknames of “Hot Pot” and “Hot Pocket,” due to their favored cooking instrument and lunch food, respectively. Both were female, don’t know if women are more indulgent about letting their friends say “I kinda want this nickname” and actually using it, or what. But, a girl on my hall in college said in freshman orientation that she had always wanted the nickname JoJo, as she was a Jane and hated being “plain Jane,” and so we gave it to her.

    In general, though, I don’t think nicknames that are significantly longer than what they’re trying to replace have any chance of sticking.

    The big boxes of Pop-Tarts are on sale this week around these parts, had been meaning to ask the man which flavors he prefers. Apparently, we’re both S’mores and Brown Sugar people. Good to know. But, based on the strength of your review for the Hot Fudge Sundae, and trust you’ve inspired from the quality of your reviews over the years, I may have to get one of the big boxes of those, w/o first trying the small box.

  23. Djinna – Honestly, none of my friends call me Marvo. Although I did have a friend in high school call me Marvoot.

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