Diet Coke Plus

Briiiing. Briiiing.


Oh, it’s for you Diet Coke Plus. It’s the 1990s and it wants the color teal back for its prom dresses and expansion professional sports teams, like the Florida Marlins (1993), Jacksonville Jaguars (1995), and San Jose Sharks (1991).

Did someone make teal the new black this season and not tell me? Because in the late 1990s I bought a multiple-discounted pair of teal Tommy Hilfiger jeans from a red tag clearance rack for only $3.99 and I drank enough Coke over the years to finally fit into them. Seriously Coke, if you’re trying to restart the teal trend, I think you picked the wrong color. Although, you could’ve picked teal’s depressing greenish color cousin seafoam, which doesn’t look good on bridesmaid’s dresses or actual seafoam.

Briiiing. Briiiing.

Moshi moshi.

Again, it’s for you Diet Coke Plus. It’s plus-sized people and they know the “Plus” in your name is there only because of the 15% Niacin, 15% Vitamin B6, 15% Vitamin B12, 10% Magnesium, and 10% Zinc of your daily allowances per serving added to you that isn’t found in regular Diet Coke, but they want to let you know that using the word “plus” to market a product to plus-sized people might not work. It’s like how adding the name Kim Kardashian to the words “sex tape” won’t help sell many of the sex tapes.

Who’s Kim Kardashian? Exactly.

Oh yeah, the plus-sized people also want to let you know that they always voted for Sanjaya on American Idol.

Briiiing. Briiiing.


Okay. Diet Coke Plus, you seriously need to get your own cell phone. Anyway, it’s my tongue and it wants to know why your older sister Diet Coke tastes like metal playground equipment, while you taste like Diet Coke but a little bit better, a little more tolerable, and with a much better aftertaste? In other words, if Helen Keller drank Diet Coke, I’m pretty sure she would be totally pissed off because to her the taste would probably feel like she lost another one of her senses, but I don’t think you would piss her off that much.

I’m not sure if the vitamins and minerals added made you taste better, Diet Coke Plus, but since you have those vitamins and minerals, taste slightly better, and have the same zero calorie, zero fat, low sodium content as Diet Coke, I think I’ll pick you to drink when I become plus-sized.

Item: Diet Coke Plus
Price: 99 cents (20 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes slightly better than regular Diet Coke. Has vitamins and minerals added that’s not found in regular Diet Coke. Fat free. Zero calories. Some caffeine. Wearing teal in the 1990s.
Cons: It tastes like a diet soda. Kim Kardashian sex tape. Pissing off Helen Keller. My multiple-discounted pair of teal jeans. Diet Coke Plus needs its own phone. Seafoam. Sanjaya not winning American Idol.

39 thoughts to “Diet Coke Plus”

  1. YES! I’ve been trying for years to figure out what Diet Coke tasted like…Marvo – you’ve done it again! Another flash of genius. Diet Coke DOES taste like metal playground equipment.

    Great point about Helen Keller. You’re sick…I love it.

  2. I didn’t know this existed! Maybe the vitamins offset the bad-for-you of the fake sugar?

    and Marvo, I’d like to see these Teal pants. 😉

  3. I tried it and it tasted funny like there was fruit in it I cannot pin point it, but it definetly tastes diffrent in a bad way. Reg diet coke despite it being “less healthy” tastes like way better!

  4. dude it’s not teal at all. it’s kind of a darker version of powder blue. not even CLOSE to being teal.

    did you actually see it in person, or just google image search it?

  5. Metal playground equipment…..mmmmm yummy.

    My favorite diet drink has switched in recent years to Diet Dr. Pepper. It tastes like metal playground equipment coated with a light syrup.

  6. I also agree that the color of Diet Coke Plus is not teal and is more akin to a darker version of powder blue. Also, teal is awesome and transcends decades.

    The Message Whore might’ve reviewed Diet Coke Plus first but you definitely reviewed it better.

    Briiiing. Briiiing.

  7. ah, metal playground equipment, the memories, the blisters, the intense pain of summer heated monkey bars on your palms……….. yes, that is a perfect description for diet coke, something else i don’t think of fondly.

  8. Clevegal42 – Sadly, I used to lick playground equipment to impress girls. That did not work well.

    KT – I thought they would fit, but apparently I need to get the crotch readjusted.

    megan – Fruity Diet Coke? You better patent that because they’re totally going to rip it off and make millions of dollars from it.

    mattloaf1 – Dude, I reviewed it, so of course I saw it, but I take shitty pictures with inaccurate colors, so the photo might not have the right colors. The Diet Coke Plus bottle I’m looking at right now has teal on it.

    Chuck – No, Diet Dr. Pepper tastes like regular Dr. Pepper except mixed using metal playground equipment. 🙂

    L Boogie aka Lindsey – Well if teal transcends decades, I look forward to teal thongs soon.

    Barb – Don’t forget the chips of paint!!!

    billy – Nope, it should be in the Cons because I do not want to mess with a pissed off Helen Keller. You know how people who are deaf or blind have their other senses enhanced, well Helen Keller was deaf AND blind, so I’m thinking she has an enhanced ability to kick ass.

  9. I’ve always thought Diet Coke tasted metallic, as well. Sort of like a filling.

    The logo and color scheme reminds me of Microsoft Office. And gay rights.

  10. NO! I accidently posted anonumously! My wit has no identity.

    I want credit, but maybe it was a sign from God telling me I’m not as funny as I think I am. Maybe I’m just a dumb ass.

  11. I like that it stings. Diet Coke, that is. If Diet Coke Plus is more pleasant than Diet Coke, what is supposed to wake me up in the morning?

  12. diet metal playground equipment soda. That sends a shudder through my teeth. Kind of like chewing aluminum foil plus nails on the chalkboard…

  13. Yeah, this packaging is really weird. My first thought was “They’re making drinks for plus sized homosexuals?”

  14. webmiztris – I like the taste of metal stripper poles.

    Meg – Also, don’t forget beer and anything else fermented.

    Anonymous – Yes, I see Word blue, Excel green, and PowerPoint orange. Oooh, I smell a possible joint marketing.

    Natalia – See above.

    Abi Jones – Coffee? Alarm clock? The movie Good Morning Vietnam?

    Bryan – Chewing aluminum foil…must put that on my to do list. (Three minutes later) Chewing aluminum foil…must put that on my never to do again list.

    Sep – Teal is the result of blue, green, and yellow getting on in a threesome.

    Brie – I thought they were making drinks for Crayola crayon fanatics.

  15. What? You dis the teal, but not the freakin’ rainbow color choice??


    I’m still trying to figure out exactly what that subtle message is supposed to imply..

    but now that you’ve said it tastes better, I’m gonna have to get one. Rainbow or not. Dammit.

  16. I feel the color is turquoise rather than teal. I almost tried this but the bottles weren’t very cold. My love for Diet Coke must be that I must also love the taste of metal playground equiptment and didn’t know it.
    Will you be reviewing Diet Pepsi, who claims to have a more “cola” taste?

  17. Diet soda is so yucky. I love the teal and the rainbow lettering though. Gay pride, plus-size Coke-lovin’ people!

  18. I tried this! It does taste better than diet coke, but I agree with megan, it tastes like there is fruit in it or something. Damn straight. I think the cap looks teal to me, but in my cans, they looked kinda just in between teal and powder blue, leaning a bit more towards powder blue.

  19. this is nothing new. remember 7-up plus?
    They should bottle diet coke and bacardi, until then I will stick with water for my calorie free beverage.

  20. LaneO – I’ll only review diet soda I’ll probably review from Pepsi is Diet Crystal Vanilla Pepsi — whenever they make it.

    Melanie – If only the word diet didn’t contain the word “die” maybe it would taste better.

    Hunter – Okay, at least the cap is teal. I can live with that and it proves that my color vision isn’t going crazy. 🙂

    nicole – Diet Coke and Bacardi? It would be like bottling up peanut butter and jelly in the same bottle.

    Ace N. – Coke can dissolve teeth and Flinstones vitamins. That’s some powerful shit.

  21. You narrow minded egotist. Who cares about the color? Overall, it’s an improvement, I know. Hence, no problem. To insist it is only of interest to plus sizes reveals a limited perspective as well as other, less mentionable, personal problems on your part. There are many who enjoy such drinks, period. Thank God you’re not on the deciding committees.

  22. zan – Actually, I am on a deciding committee and we just had an emergency meeting. We decided that you probably aren’t a regular reader, you think inside the box, you kill plants, you have no sense of humor and you should go see the Wizard of Oz for a funny bone or a heart that is not black.

  23. Great response to zan Marvo! BTW, if you ever need any honorary deciding committee members, I’ll be happy to serve, as long as you provide free beer.

  24. Laughing my arse off at this review. i totally saw this advertised the other day here in SD and i totally gotta try it now… funny shtuff, kid.

  25. K – Hi K! You should try it. I think everyone should try almost everything once in their life. The next thing I’m going to try? Eat McDonald’s for 30 days straight or go vegetarian for 30 days straight.

  26. Hi Marvo!

    My boyfriend and I were road-tripping home from Memphis yesterday and he bought me this. I loved it, even though I was initially put off by the label. I thought it would taste gimmicky and fake. Speaking of which, he also bought us Hooters energy drinks (regular for him and lite for me.) Everything went fine until he said he needed time alone with the “cans” of orangey goodness…

  27. Eryn – HOLY. CRAP. Did you say Hooters Energy Drink? I haven’t been this exciting about an energy drink since Cocaine Energy Drink.

  28. That Kim video was the worst. It was over produced, had a friggen sound track, and had no pay out at the end.

    Biggest let down in “leaked” videos in a long time.

Comments are closed.