Uncooked

My first girlfriend in college loved giving me greeting cards.

If she loved me more than she loved greeting cards, we might still be together today. Of course, if we stayed together, we probably would’ve had eight kids by now, I would have high blood pressure, I’d be driving a minivan, have a mortgage, The Impulsive Buy definitely wouldn’t exist, and I wouldn’t be writing this review about Uncooked greeting cards.

I learned about her obsession with greeting cards during our first summer apart. She stayed for summer school at the university, while I went home to relax, play golf, and cheat on her.

I’m just kidding about the cheating…or am I? It doesn’t matter now.

Anyway, every week when we were apart, she sent me a greeting card with a letter written in it that let me know how much she missed me. On occasion, she would send me a slightly humorous Hallmark Shoebox greeting card, but most of the time it one of those really serious looking cards with a watercolor painting on the front and with a message in some kind of fancy script that’s usually found on old documents like the Declaration of Independence.

In that fancy script were words from some lonely greeting card writer that usually went something like this: “I watch the river flow by, but my thoughts of you stand still. I close my eyes and imagine that your soul is next to mine. Your image brings a smile to my face and fills my heart with joy, which shall satisfy me until we are able to see each other again.”

::shudder::

Her love of nauseating, overly-poetic, badly-written greeting cards and lack of enthusiasm when giving a BJ made me realize that perhaps she was not the girl for me. It also could’ve been the way she ended every letter with the words, “Your cute little muffin.”

For the record, I never called her my “cute little muffin.”

Okay, once I called her that, but she was the one who asked me in a cutely tone while we snuggled, “Am I your cute little muffin?” I was her boyfriend, so of course I’m supposed to say, “Yes, you are my cute little muffin,” then follow that up with a kiss, and then tell her, “Because you’re my cute little muffin I’m going to nibble on you. Nibble. Nibble.”

Yes, I had to say “Nibble. Nibble.” while I nibbled nibbled. It made it cute, okay? She liked it and that was the ONLY time I ever called her a “cute little muffin.”

Moving on…

Today, I still have all those cards she sent me and they sit in a box labeled in big Sharpie pen letters, “Stuff to Burn Later.” I actually wanted it to be labeled, “Stuff to Burn and Piss On Later,” but that was too many words if I was going to write in big Sharpie pen letters. Also in the box are things I regret having, like my Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch cassette single for “Good Vibrations” and a picture of me wearing woman’s bra while doing a handstand.

I can’t have either of those things around if I decide to run for elected office or if I don’t want anyone to blackmail me. Imagine the money I would have to pay for someone to keep their mouth shut about how I played that Marky Mark cassette over and over again thanks to auto-reverse cassette player technology.

Despite my sappy experiences with greeting cards, I actually like sending them to people. As a matter of fact, for Christmas a few years ago, I gave all my friends and family cards that each had one of fifty ways to get on Santa’s naughty list.

I’m really a fan of Uncooked greeting cards, which I bought a bunch of several months ago. Almost every card is shoot-milk-through-your-nose funny, usually in a dark and twisted way, which is the same way I like my women. There are cards for almost every occasion and feeling, from birthday to get well cards. Although, the lack of proper capitalization in all the cards gets the English major in me a little worked up.

Each card costs $3.25 plus shipping, which may seem a little pricey since you could get a $1.99 Hallmark card. Although, I don’t know about you, but all the people in my life right now are worth more than $1.99.

Besides, would you rather receive an Uncooked card that says, “some mornings when i really miss you i cry into my bowl of cereal and eat my tears” or receive a lame card that says, “The void in my heart can only be filled with your love, which seems so far away. When I stare at the moon, I imagine that it is you staring back at me. Because of this, my nights are full of joy, while my days are full of loneliness. I forward to the days and nights full of joy because you are by my side.”

::shudder::

Item: Uncooked
Price: $3.25 per card
Purchased at: Uncookedland.com
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Twisted funny cards. Free envelope. Cards for almost all occasions. The day I get to burn my box of “Stuff to Burn Later.” Auto-reverse cassette player technology.
Cons: Expensive for tightwads, but cheap for those who truly care about the card’s recipient and think money is trivial in terms of showing how much they care. Having to pay for shipping. Lack of capitalization. Nauseating, overly-poetic, badly-written greeting cards.

32 thoughts to “Uncooked”

  1. wow thanks i love those cards now
    wait no now that means i will be spending more money
    that i probably dont have

  2. i made a card for my graphic design professor’s retirement party. it featured an adorable little boy rajah and said “happy birthday, you son of a bitch!” i honestly thought he might get a kick out of a card that didn’t just say something obvious and lame like ‘you’ve been an inspiration to me blah blah i’m a kiss ass blah blah” but when he opened it, he just gave me an odd look and tossed it on the opened cards pile. later, his wife ran into me at the grocery store and asked in a very concerned tone ‘how i felt my life was going” The point of that lame story is that I really appreciate greeting cards with a bit of profanity, kick and/or sass.. and people that don’t can suck it.

  3. webmiztris – I think someone needs to make a hating card, for those people we hate.

    Toni – Oh, that is true love.

    Melanie – It’s not so cute, because I sound like Donald Duck when I say it.

    threechordme – Might I suggest panhandling or loans.

    loveyouintheface – I’d like to find a card that uses the word “shit” in noun and verb form.

  4. The wedding card is hilarious. I’d love to get it for someone, but some people just can’t take that kind of humor.

  5. Marvo – you forgot to mention prostitution as an option to threechordme. Got to include all the fun options when you’re giving advice.

  6. wow! thanks. i just check out these uncooked cards and they are truely the funniest
    cards i have ever seen. i’m forever hooked! i ordered my mum their mothers day card-the one about working in a creepy hardware store.

    cool find!
    xoxo
    frankie

  7. skibs – When…I mean, if…No, I mean, when I get married, you can send it to me because I heart that kind of humor.

    Chuck – If threechordme got syphillis, then it wouldn’t be fun. 🙁

    frankie – Mother’s Day is on Sunday. I hope she gets it on time. If not, say it’s a REALLY early Mother’s Day card.

  8. i love sending greeting cards… i must have about 200 stashed at home & i go out and buy more. i send ’em to pals all the time! … i go to a store that has ’em discounted (4 for $1, and they’re not the icky kind of cards that you might imagine at that price), but it’s still an obsession, i know, i know.

    This post of yours scared me ’cause it just touched way too close to home.

    However, i never have called myself anyone’s little muffin, cute or any other way.

    i do like blueberry muffins tho.

  9. Pigeoncard – Seriously, that is too much work for a card and I prefer cards that either make me laugh or come with money inside.

    K – At the swap meet, people can get four shirts for $20, but they are the icky kind of t-shirts you can imagine at that price.

    Sherry – Real or imaginary?

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