My first girlfriend in college loved giving me greeting cards.
If she loved me more than she loved greeting cards, we might still be together today. Of course, if we stayed together, we probably would’ve had eight kids by now, I would have high blood pressure, I’d be driving a minivan, have a mortgage, The Impulsive Buy definitely wouldn’t exist, and I wouldn’t be writing this review about Uncooked greeting cards.
I learned about her obsession with greeting cards during our first summer apart. She stayed for summer school at the university, while I went home to relax, play golf, and cheat on her.
I’m just kidding about the cheating…or am I? It doesn’t matter now.
Anyway, every week when we were apart, she sent me a greeting card with a letter written in it that let me know how much she missed me. On occasion, she would send me a slightly humorous Hallmark Shoebox greeting card, but most of the time it one of those really serious looking cards with a watercolor painting on the front and with a message in some kind of fancy script that’s usually found on old documents like the Declaration of Independence.
In that fancy script were words from some lonely greeting card writer that usually went something like this: “I watch the river flow by, but my thoughts of you stand still. I close my eyes and imagine that your soul is next to mine. Your image brings a smile to my face and fills my heart with joy, which shall satisfy me until we are able to see each other again.”
Her love of nauseating, overly-poetic, badly-written greeting cards and lack of enthusiasm when giving a BJ made me realize that perhaps she was not the girl for me. It also could’ve been the way she ended every letter with the words, “Your cute little muffin.”
For the record, I never called her my “cute little muffin.”
Okay, once I called her that, but she was the one who asked me in a cutely tone while we snuggled, “Am I your cute little muffin?” I was her boyfriend, so of course I’m supposed to say, “Yes, you are my cute little muffin,” then follow that up with a kiss, and then tell her, “Because you’re my cute little muffin I’m going to nibble on you. Nibble. Nibble.”
Yes, I had to say “Nibble. Nibble.” while I nibbled nibbled. It made it cute, okay? She liked it and that was the ONLY time I ever called her a “cute little muffin.”
Today, I still have all those cards she sent me and they sit in a box labeled in big Sharpie pen letters, “Stuff to Burn Later.” I actually wanted it to be labeled, “Stuff to Burn and Piss On Later,” but that was too many words if I was going to write in big Sharpie pen letters. Also in the box are things I regret having, like my Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch cassette single for “Good Vibrations” and a picture of me wearing woman’s bra while doing a handstand.
I can’t have either of those things around if I decide to run for elected office or if I don’t want anyone to blackmail me. Imagine the money I would have to pay for someone to keep their mouth shut about how I played that Marky Mark cassette over and over again thanks to auto-reverse cassette player technology.
Despite my sappy experiences with greeting cards, I actually like sending them to people. As a matter of fact, for Christmas a few years ago, I gave all my friends and family cards that each had one of fifty ways to get on Santa’s naughty list.
I’m really a fan of Uncooked greeting cards, which I bought a bunch of several months ago. Almost every card is shoot-milk-through-your-nose funny, usually in a dark and twisted way, which is the same way I like my women. There are cards for almost every occasion and feeling, from birthday to get well cards. Although, the lack of proper capitalization in all the cards gets the English major in me a little worked up.
Each card costs $3.25 plus shipping, which may seem a little pricey since you could get a $1.99 Hallmark card. Although, I don’t know about you, but all the people in my life right now are worth more than $1.99.
Besides, would you rather receive an Uncooked card that says, “some mornings when i really miss you i cry into my bowl of cereal and eat my tears” or receive a lame card that says, “The void in my heart can only be filled with your love, which seems so far away. When I stare at the moon, I imagine that it is you staring back at me. Because of this, my nights are full of joy, while my days are full of loneliness. I forward to the days and nights full of joy because you are by my side.”
Price: $3.25 per card
Purchased at: Uncookedland.com
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Twisted funny cards. Free envelope. Cards for almost all occasions. The day I get to burn my box of “Stuff to Burn Later.” Auto-reverse cassette player technology.
Cons: Expensive for tightwads, but cheap for those who truly care about the card’s recipient and think money is trivial in terms of showing how much they care. Having to pay for shipping. Lack of capitalization. Nauseating, overly-poetic, badly-written greeting cards.
32 thoughts to “Uncooked”
really nice post..i do enjoy readin your blog. you’re definitely a good writer..
on the website it says “click on the bag of pecans to enter” or something. lol.
Cool cards, Marvo. They remind me a little bit of despair.com but even more twisted.
Well, I’m glad to see that you are not totally anti-greeting cards now. One would think that after an experience like the one with your “cute little muffin” that you would never use one again!
OMG! you are so bad!
Wait, you said “Nibble Nibble?” Oh, Marvo, I’m trying so hard not to laugh at that.
shern’s mom – Thanks for your kind words, I really appreciate them. If only my creative writing professors in college felt the same way you did, I might’ve graduated with a higher GPA than 2.4.
Hunter – That’s how crazy those bastards are. They totally must be fun to party with!
Chuck – Dispair is good, but these folks are definitely better. Although Dispair is a little more classy looking.
Web Design MN – I think if I replace the word “muffin” with something a little more naughty, then it would be much better, like “cute little pole dancer.”
onewayoranother – Because I’m Bad, I’m Bad – Come On. You Know I’m Bad, I’m Bad – You Know It. You Know I’m Bad, I’m Bad – Come On, You Know.
And The Whole World Has To Answer Right Now Just To Tell You Once Again, Who’s Bad…
Brie – As you know, sometimes guys have to do things like that for the sake of the relationship.
Oh, man. My favorite is “I’m so glad I’m friends with you and not some idiot scientist jerk named Sandra.” That and the idea of “You’re Welcome” cards is genius.
I want to work for these people.
I’ve often sat in despair in the card isle with a card in one hand saying, “You’re fat, you’re ugly, Happy Birthday!” and a card in the other hand saying, “Glory in this special, unique moment when you can pause and bask in rainbows while surrounded by the thoughts of those who cherish you.” Or some such drivel. It’s nice to know there is a card company that falls in that oh-so-elusive yet seemingly vast plane between the two extremes.
My lord, that was rather intimate. She’d have been a keeper if she’d alluringly said “Would you like to SEE my cute l’il muffin?” and made nibbly sounds herself. I bet she went on to found the Save The Care Bears website. Yeesh. Good thing you two broke up.
I’m a fan of these Uncooked cards, myself, and I’m glad you are, as well. That’s they way my momma raised me–“if ya can’t send a card that makes ’em laugh, then ya shouldn’t ought ta bother t’all.”
Good golly, those are strange and funny cards. One best be sure, though, that the recipient has the same twisted sense of humor as you; else, with some of those cards, you might get charged with making terrorist threats.
Then again, any alternative to those sappy-type cards is a breath of fresh air. And I mean that with all of my trembling heart which takes wing and soars through skies of happiness and delight when thoughts of you alight upon my Technicolor dreams.
I stumbled on your site last week for the first time…and have been hooked since! You’re hilarious and I must agree with most of your reviews.
thank you thank you! i have so found the source of all my greeting card needs for the future!
My god, these cards are amazing. The only ones fitting enough for my quick wit and large wallet. Thank you, Marvo, for introducing me to this and Threadless. Now I can fall into debt with a smile on my face.
Awesome cards. I wish I had friends that would send cards like this to me. I also wish I had friends, but that’s another topic for another day.
Marvo, this review made me sad.
Only one sexual reference and it was direct.
Make us work for it!
Does this lack of sexual innuendo mean that the dating service we all voted for is working its magic.
Is it true has Marvo finally found a mate? I mean… girlfriend? ahah
I still standby the idea of you making your own line of greeting cards. None appropriate, all completely hilarious
Natalia – I don’t think I would want to work for them, I’d just like to receive money from them and not do anything. 🙂
Melbatoast – Now all I need is a greeting card company that makes break-up cards that say things like, “I need my space. It’s not me. It’s your putrid breath.”
Domokun – I don’t really like women who refer to their naughty parts as “cute l’il muffin” I prefer more porn-like terms.
Mellie Helen – I wonder if they have Mother’s Day cards.
Mariella – Thanks for your kind words!
Barb – Dang, I wish I could get a little slice of your future card purchases.
Ace N. – Don’t worry. Once you graduate and enter the real world, you’ll be able to pay off your debt in a few decades.
Clevegal42 – I have imaginary friends send me things, just so I get stuff in the mail that aren’t credit card applications.
Noelle – Dating service isn’t working that good…yet. But I’ve got four more months to go.
I’m not real big on greeting cards, but those ones sound pretty cool! well worth the extra couple of bucks!
My boyfriend and I don’t have stupid cutesy litle nicknames for each other. He usually refers to me by name, while I call him “Dude”, “Hey”, or “Asshole”, which is rather commonly used since he likes to burp in my face a lot.
I just LOVE the idea of you going on about cute little muffins and nibble, nibble. Love it.
wow thanks i love those cards now
wait no now that means i will be spending more money
that i probably dont have
i made a card for my graphic design professor’s retirement party. it featured an adorable little boy rajah and said “happy birthday, you son of a bitch!” i honestly thought he might get a kick out of a card that didn’t just say something obvious and lame like ‘you’ve been an inspiration to me blah blah i’m a kiss ass blah blah” but when he opened it, he just gave me an odd look and tossed it on the opened cards pile. later, his wife ran into me at the grocery store and asked in a very concerned tone ‘how i felt my life was going” The point of that lame story is that I really appreciate greeting cards with a bit of profanity, kick and/or sass.. and people that don’t can suck it.
webmiztris – I think someone needs to make a hating card, for those people we hate.
Toni – Oh, that is true love.
Melanie – It’s not so cute, because I sound like Donald Duck when I say it.
threechordme – Might I suggest panhandling or loans.
loveyouintheface – I’d like to find a card that uses the word “shit” in noun and verb form.
The wedding card is hilarious. I’d love to get it for someone, but some people just can’t take that kind of humor.
Marvo – you forgot to mention prostitution as an option to threechordme. Got to include all the fun options when you’re giving advice.
wow! thanks. i just check out these uncooked cards and they are truely the funniest
cards i have ever seen. i’m forever hooked! i ordered my mum their mothers day card-the one about working in a creepy hardware store.
skibs – When…I mean, if…No, I mean, when I get married, you can send it to me because I heart that kind of humor.
Chuck – If threechordme got syphillis, then it wouldn’t be fun. 🙁
frankie – Mother’s Day is on Sunday. I hope she gets it on time. If not, say it’s a REALLY early Mother’s Day card.
How about this birthday card. It is 3D transformable. Will it catch your eyes?
i love sending greeting cards… i must have about 200 stashed at home & i go out and buy more. i send ’em to pals all the time! … i go to a store that has ’em discounted (4 for $1, and they’re not the icky kind of cards that you might imagine at that price), but it’s still an obsession, i know, i know.
This post of yours scared me ’cause it just touched way too close to home.
However, i never have called myself anyone’s little muffin, cute or any other way.
i do like blueberry muffins tho.
Do you have a girlfriend?
Pigeoncard – Seriously, that is too much work for a card and I prefer cards that either make me laugh or come with money inside.
K – At the swap meet, people can get four shirts for $20, but they are the icky kind of t-shirts you can imagine at that price.
Sherry – Real or imaginary?
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