You know what three things scare me regarding food?

Cilantro, balut, and Burger King drive-thrus. In that exact order.

And yes, I would rather eat a soapy-tasting weed or a bird embryo than deal with a Burger King drive-thru. Because it took two attempts and two different Burger King drive-thrus to get a proper Burger King Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich in my hands.

Now before I begin my foul-mouthed rant about my Burger King visits, I want to add that both were done on the weekend and before 8:30 am when the only person up is my neighbor with OCD who brushes the lawn so it is “straight.” Lastly, it was a rare cold morning in central Florida where the temperature was in the low 40s. So, basically, nobody was on the road except me, my wife, and my neighbor who ensures each leaf is pointed correctly on her tree.

My first attempt to get this sandwich was abysmal. You can get the Burger King Bacon Gouda Sandwich on either a comfy biscuit or stodgy, yet classy, English muffin. You Francophiles are also in luck; the menu indicates it comes as a Croissan’wich too. I didn’t want the bread to overwhelm the mild Gouda so I decided on the English muffin.

I’m also leery of fast food biscuits because biscuits are a Southern institution as my wife would attest. To me, fast food biscuits (for the most part) are clunky, flavorless and unpleasantly dense. Alas, as luck would have it, “We don’t have no English muffins” buzzed through the speaker.

(sigh)

Window jockey, can you at least feign a sorry?

Annoyed, hungry, and not thinking clearly, I settled on the biscuit and waited six fucking minutes for it. Yes. Six…fucking…minutes in the drive-thru for basically a damn bacon and cheese sandwich. Needless to say, the cheese was not melted and appeared it was thrown on the sandwich like it was a discarded Band-Aid.

I felt like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. At least my wife got a good chuckle until I horse-stomped the sandwich in the bag on the passenger side carpet.

Sure, my behavior could be the result of the three hours of sleep I had after a marathon-gaming session, but I don’t think so because I’m still angry and want to choke slam the idiot that made my sandwich. Then I want to take that person’s teeth and put it in the sandwich so I can make them eat it too.

Boy, I need anger management.

My second attempt at another Burger King only reiterated their crappy drive-thru service in my area. I ordered the same thing with an English muffin which they actually had. Great, right?

No, because apparently I’m an asshole for thinking a drive-thru works as simple as:

Step 1. Place your order.
Step 2. Pay.
Step 3. You get your order.

I got up to the window and the manager goes (and I’m paraphrasing), “Uh, did you want cheese and sausage?” Why the hell did I order from the stupid speaker if I have to tell you again what I ordered? So, I repeat my order with disdain and in a minute she hands me the sandwich.

They were fast…almost too fast. My wife, of course, thought the whole thing was funny, but also reminded me to check my sandwich.

Hey! What do you know? It’s a bacon sandwich sans the herb spread and with orange American cheese. Not what I ordered!

After a half-assed apology and dealing with my outrage (I’m pretty sure there was spit in my sandwich now), I received only what I can say was close to perfection, but not enough to quell my anger.

The sandwich was warm and felt great in the cold morning. It radiated in my hands in its neat little package. Unwrapping the white paper, I smelled the buttery eggs embracing me. The English muffin was toasted, yet fluffy, and it was generously slathered with the rich herb sauce.

The nooks and crannies of the muffin created flavor pockets of butter and it carried the Gouda and eggs away to breakfast heaven. The herb spread and rich buttery flavor complemented each other well. The bacon provided a pleasant fatty saltiness that heightened the sandwich and made me ask myself, “Do I still want to make that person eat their own teeth?”

The melted Gouda was mild, but flavorful. The cheese immersed itself into the egg and buttery spread. The combined components of the sandwich created one lush flavor. I would order it again, although from inside a Burger King. Here’s a tip too, the Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich has 140 less calories than the biscuit version. So decide wisely.

Admittedly, it’s hard to beat the trifecta of a good breakfast — bacon, cheese, and eggs — but Burger King slightly elevated it with this sandwich. It was so good that I don’t care if a BK employee’s DNA may have been in it. In fact, if you put balut, complete with tiny feathers and beak, into that sandwich, I would still eat it.

(Nutrition Facts – 380 calories, 22 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 195 milligrams of cholesterol, 920 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of sugar, and 21 grams of protein.)

Other Burger King Bacon Gouda Sandwich reviews:
Man Reviews Food
Brand Eating
Grub Grade

Item: Burger King Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich
Purchased Price: $3.39
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: The muffin sandwich was buttery, salty, crispy, warm, and lush all at the same time. Horse-stomping things. The herb spread complemented the sandwich’s butteriness. The Gouda melded well with the eggs. Falling Down.
Cons: Burger King Drive-Thrus in my area are manned by imbeciles. This is a limited offer. Unmelted cheese on breakfast sandwiches is disgusting. My wife laughing at me. Cleaning up the car after my antics.

If I had a dollar for every time Burger King released a burger topped with their mediocre onion rings, I’d have enough money to buy a Burger King burger topped with their mediocre onion rings. But even though Burger King’s onion rings aren’t anything special, when BK combines them with one of their burgers, it usually creates magic. There was the Rodeo Cheeseburger, Angry Whopper, Western Angus Steak Burger, Western BBQ BK Toppers, Rodeo Whopper, and now there’s the Burger King Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger.

This new Burger King sandwich isn’t the first one topped with onion rings and it also isn’t the first one to have a beef patty stuffed with, um…stuff. In 2011, they attempted to burn our mouths with their Jalapeño Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger.

I’m now going to explain what’s in the Burger King Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger like I’m an overzealous marketing person and use more adjectives than I need to. The Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger is made up of a juicy and cowtstanding USDA-Inspected fire-grilled ground beef patty stuffed with yummy, swinesational hardwood smoked bacon and delicious, gooey cheddar cheese, topped with fresh-cut, crisp, and greenish lettuce; ripe, succulent tomato slices; red, vinegary, and stain-causing ketchup; creamy, white, and oozable mayonnaise; and crispy, golden brown, and bad breath-causing onion rings all on a warm, squishy artisan-style bun.

With the inclusion of onion rings, I thought the Burger King Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger would’ve followed in the footsteps of many other onion ring-topped BK burgers and come with barbecue sauce. But alas, I had to settle for barbecue sauce’s condiment cousins, ketchup and mayo. However, and this is going to sound strange, the ketchup and a few other ingredients, at times, made the burger taste as if it had barbecue sauce. Besides that, the ketchup and mayonnaise made my hands look like I turned into the Incredible Hulk and SMASH STORE CONDIMENT SECTION!

If you’re like me and complain regularly on a semi-popular food review blog about how I can rarely taste the bacon in most fast food burgers, then you’ll be happy to hear the flavor of the bacon in the thick patty stands out. Every bite I took from this burger had a nice smoky and swinetastic flavor. It feels a little weird to be biting on bacon bits instead of strips of bacon and it makes the patty taste even saltier, but who cares? I can finally taste the bacon in a fast food burger!

Let’s celebrate with bacon!

However, what didn’t stand out were the bits of cheddar in the beef patty, which was the same issue the Jalapeño Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger had. But the onion rings did somewhat make up for the cheese by providing a mild onion flavor that went well with the beef and gave the burger a slight crunchiness.

With Burger King’s limited time only spring menu, they’re giving you a lot of new sandwich choices — a turkey burger, a new Whopper variety, a new chicken sandwich, a veggie burger, and this burger. If you’re having trouble deciding what to eat, I think you can’t go wrong with the Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger.

(Nutrition Facts – 650 calories, 350 calories from fat, 39 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 1420 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 23 grams of protein.)

Other Burger King Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger reviews:
Brand Eating
The Food Chain Review
Grub Grade

Item: Burger King Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger
Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice flavor. I can taste the bacon in a fast food burger. Thick patty. Onion rings provided a little crunchiness. At times, the burger tasted as if it has barbecue sauce. BK burger + onion rings = magic.
Cons: Cheddar in the patty didn’t add anything. Someone may have put too much ketchup and mayonnaise in my burger. Awesome source of sodium. Available for a limited time. Going adjective crazy.