NEWS: Totino’s Creates A New Way To Stuff Your Face With Their Pizza

/ / Spotted on Shelves / 11 Comments

The new Totino’s Pizza Stuffers look like Totino’s took their Party Pizza, folded one end over the other, and then used a mad scientist’s shrink ray to get it down to a size slightly bigger than two or three of their Pizza Rolls.

Or if you eat a lot of Pizza Hut, they look like mini P’Zones.

Or if you eat a lot dim sum, they look like pizza potstickers.

Totino’s Pizza Stuffers come in three varieties: pepperoni, combination, and cheese. Each box contains four Pizza Stuffers and are microwaveable, but, disappointingly, don’t come with crisping sleeves.

A Pepperoni Pizza Stuffer has 280 calories, 15 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 760 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, and 7 grams of protein. A Combination Pizza Stuffer has 270 calories, 14 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 700 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, and 7 grams of protein. Both were made using partially hydrogenated soybean oil.

NEWS: Subway Makes Milk Obsolete By Adding Calcium and Vitamin D To Their Bread

/ / Fast Food News / 7 Comments

Subway addict ...

This week, Subway, where we can all Eat Fresh, announced it has now added calcium and vitamin D to their line of fresh baked bread. A six-inch serving of bread provides 30 percent of the daily recommnded value of calcium and 20 percent of the daily recommended value of vitamin D.

For those of you who didn’t take nutrition classes or don’t read random Wikipedia entries late at night to pass the time while your torrents download:

“One of the most important roles of vitamin D is to maintain skeletal calcium balance by promoting calcium absorption in the intestines, promoting bone resorption by increasing osteoclast number, maintaining calcium and phosphate levels for bone formation, and allowing proper functioning of parathyroid hormone to maintain serum calcium levels.”

With Subway adding calcium to their bread, it’s now possible to get more than 100 percent of the daily recommended amount of calcium in one meal at Subway. Using the nutrition table on Subway’s website, I can get 60 percent if I order a footlong turkey breast sandwich using their 9-grain wheat bread, then another 20 percent if I add provolone cheese to it, and if I get the meal, I can get 45 percent if I order a low-fat milk and another 8 percent if I get a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos. That’s a grand total of 133 percent of the daily recommended value of calcium.

It’s also 1,070 calories, 31.5 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 12 grams of fiber, and 2,360 milligrams of sodium. But who’s counting?

The calcium and vitamin D fortified bread should be available now at your local Subway restaurant.

REVIEW: Starbucks VIA Caramel Iced Coffee

/ / Reviews / 10 Comments

Starbucks VIA Caramel Flavored Iced Coffee

I feel sorry for the Starbucks baristas out there who have to deal with complex drink orders from insane customers. They say the customer is always right, but those who order an iced ristretto 5-shot grande with 5/8 decaf, six ice cubes, 2-pumps sugar free caramel, 4-pumps caramel, soy, whole milk, extra whip, 12 Splenda, double cupped, and hand stirred to a temperature of 43 degrees have got to be wrong.

Do they feel like their complex order somehow makes them some kind of Starbucks alchemist?

Or are they trying to impress the people behind them in line with the fact that they know how to order something at Starbucks?

Or do they enjoy being a barista puppeteer, making Starbucks employees do their bidding with their purse strings?

You know what, Starbucks baristas? I’m your break from the batty bastards and bitches who order elaborate beverages, because from now on, when I roll into a Starbucks, I’m only there to either use the restroom, steal napkins, be creepy, or to pick up a pack of your new Starbucks VIA Caramel Iced Coffee, all of which don’t involve you lifting any of your well-worked fingers. I’m your coffee break, your latte lull, your ristretto recess, your half-caf hiatus, your Venti vacation, and your Asian persuasion.

Each packet of Starbucks VIA Caramel Iced Coffee is made up of microgrounded 100 percent natural roasted arabica beans, a little bit of caramel flavor, and cane sugar. This powdery partnership produces a Grande of iced coffee goodness, if you’re willing to do all of the following: measure 16 ounces of water, rip off the packet top, pour the contents of the packet into the 16 ounces of water, and then stir it until the powder dissolves.

Or if you have children, you can dress them up in a green Starbucks apron, tell them you’re “playing Starbucks,” and make them do all the work.

After tearing open a packet of Starbucks VIA Caramel Iced Coffee, it farts out a strong caramel aroma. That caramel aroma is also present after the powder is mixed with water. When I drink it, it starts off with a nice caramel flavor, which quickly gives way to the bitterness of the coffee. However, thanks to the caramel flavoring, I’m finding it much easier to drink than regular Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee, which I usually sweeten with either a little more sugar or chocolate syrup.

I really enjoyed the regular Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee, but I have to say I prefer this caramel version more. Adding a little vanilla soy milk makes it even better, although the caramel iced coffee already has 24 grams of sugar, so adding soy milk gives it a little more. While that may sound sweet, it’s not as sweet as I am for giving Starbucks baristas a quick breve breather from impossible drink orders by not ordering anything and just picking up a 5-pack of Starbucks VIA Caramel Iced Coffee.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 packet – 50 calories, 0 grams of fat, 20 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Starbucks VIA Caramel Iced Coffee
Price: $5.95
Size: 5 pack
Purchased at: Starbucks
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Better tasting and easier to drink than regular Starbuck VIA Iced Coffee. Easy to make. Great with a little vanilla soy milk. Makes a Grande of iced coffee. Cheaper than ordering the same drink from Starbucks. Giving baristas a break from making complex drink orders from douchebags. Nice energy pick-me-up.
Cons: Might have too much sugar for those who care about consuming too much sugar. You have to stir or shake it yourself, unless you have children who can do it for you. Waiting in line behind someone who orders complex Starbucks drinks. At home, you have no access to the Starbucks bar.

NEWS: Hostess’ Frosted Devil’s Food Cake Donettes Could Be The Yin To Their White Powdered Donettes Yang

/ / Spotted on Shelves / 3 Comments

hostess

It looks like Hostess is trying to be a temptress with their new Frosted Devil’s Food Cake Donettes.

Personally, I’ve never understood the appeal of devil’s food cake. Perhaps this is because I’ve never been able to tell the difference between it and regular chocolate cake. My guess is that my tongue is so pure and innocent that it rejects the flavor of any devil’s food cake. Or maybe my tongue has been in too many places where it shouldn’t have been which has caused it to lose its ability to distinguish nuances between flavors.

The Hostess Frosted Devil’s Food Cake Donettes are simply mini devil’s food cake donuts dipped in a chocolate-flavored coating. They join the white powdered and chocolate coated mini donuts in the Donettes line.

The Hostess Frosted Devil’s Food Cake Donettes are available now and come in four sizes: 10.5-ounce Dunkie Bags, 11.25-ounce Dunkie Bags, 12.2-ounce Sweet Sixteen Dunkie Bags, and 3-ounce single serve sleeves.

REVIEW: Subway BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich

/ / Reviews / 14 Comments

Subway BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich

The people running Subway might be the greatest salesmen in the world. They’ve positioned their sandwiches as health foods solely on the strength of one erstwhile fat guy’s crazy diet, and the five-dollar footlong campaigns have been so successful that they could actually ruin both the fast food and porn industries in one fell swoop. Subway’s marketing department has even had success in generating great publicity in fictional worlds, as seen by their support of Happy Gilmore’s epic quest to save his grandmother’s house and hook up with the hot blonde mom from Modern Family. At this point it almost feels ridiculous to doubt Subway’s ability to sell any and all of its products; you’re better off trying to dispute people’s enthusiasm for the new Harry Potter movie, hipsters’ willingness to wear sweaters in the summer, or my ability to use three sloppy analogies in a row.

And yet, I had doubts that a BBQ pulled pork sandwich could work at Subway. A pulled pork sandwich seems fundamentally different from all of Subway’s previous limited edition releases. Making a good pulled pork sandwich feels like it would require significantly more expertise than most other sandwiches. Also, judging by the number of hours dedicated to barbecue on the Food Network, people have a love for pulled pork that just doesn’t exist for, say, cold cut combos, so it would be extra disappointing if Subway did a poor job with a foodie-favorite. Finally, the sandwich costs $8.00, and at that price point you might as well spend the extra $2 and order two footlongs, which gets you double the porn jokes AND all your sodium for the week!

The process of actually ordering the sandwich did little to allay my doubts. The pulled pork was held in the same type of container as the tuna, which meant it was scooped out ice cream-style. I had assumed the pork would be held in the microwaveable cardboard trays; instead, the only heating the meat got was from the toasting of the overall sandwich. I watched in quiet anticipation of the barbecue sauce being added, but the woman behind the counter took my silence to mean I was satisfied with the current contents of my sandwich, and she began to wrap it up before I realized I had to specifically ask for the barbecue sauce. I suppose the Sandwich Artists can occasionally put together a masterpiece, but the output of this particular experience felt more like a poorly-followed color-by-numbers worksheet.

Subway BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich Innards

By the time I sat down to actually eat, expectations were remarkably low. The pulled pork sandwich beat those expectations, though not by much. The pork was fairly flavorful, if a bit too salty, but the paste-like texture was rather unpleasant. I think the meat really could have benefited from a brief blast in the microwave, which possibly would have melted some fat and added some juiciness. The barbecue sauce was solid, with a nice smokiness and not too much sweetness, but because it was added last and not mixed in with the pulled pork, I was always acutely aware that I was eating “pulled pork with BBQ sauce on top” and not “BBQ pulled pork.”

Would I buy Subway’s BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich again? Probably not. Then again, I wouldn’t count out the Subway marketing team just yet. There could be some new jingle or a movie promotional tie-in that convinces me otherwise. Who knows, maybe they could even help make Adam Sandler movies funny again (but don’t hold your breath on that one).

(Nutrition Facts – 1 footlong – 570 calories, 150 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 95 milligrams of cholesterol, 1340 milligrams of sodium, 68 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 56 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 20% vitamin C, 30% calcium, and 25% iron.)

Item: Subway BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich
Price: $8.00
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Pulled pork was flavorful. Barbecue sauce was smoky and not too sweet. Subway’s marketing department. Old Adam Sandler movies.
Cons: Pulled pork was paste-like. Pork wasn’t heated up at all. Barbecue sauce wasn’t mixed in with the meat. Sandwich Artistry. The potential ruination of the porn industry. New Adam Sandler movies.

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