REVIEW: Subway Frank’s Red Hot Buffalo Chicken

Subway Frank s Red Hot Buffalo Chicken

To fully understand Subway’s plight, first, think of the worst thing that has been written about you in the press over the past few years. I’ll give it a second… okay, good.

Next, compare that to the sandwich maven. Earlier this month, the Irish Supreme Court ruled that Subway’s bread has too much sugar to be considered bread. A 2017 Canadian Broadcasting Corporation investigation that found its chicken contains less than 50% actual chicken DNA. And then there was that uh, one guy. You know, the one who lost a bunch of weight and then his freedom.

But there is a lot to be said for convenience (think of all the Subways squished into gas stations on desolate stretches of endless American interstates) and the general laziness of people too tired to make their own sandwiches.

And speaking of laziness, allow me to introduce you to the sub-sandwich mega-chain’s newest offering, Frank’s Red Hot Buffalo Chicken sandwich. Subway says, “this sub includes our tender chicken strips and new Buffalo sauce, made exclusively with Frank’s Red Hot sauce, toasted on your favorite bread and topped with fresh lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers and ranch dressing.” For the sake of standardization, I ordered mine exactly as they suggest. The bread on the app defaulted to “Italian,” but I ended up with whatever the plainest, whitest, most unimaginative bread offered is.

Subway Frank s Red Hot Buffalo Chicken Innards 1

If you’ve ever had a Buffalo chicken sandwich from any other purveyor of food, you’ve already had this thing, only better. That said, it wasn’t 100% garbage. First, I’ll tell you what I liked: the bread was big and soft and would have made a very cozy sweater. Again, it didn’t taste like much, but it was pleasant to touch. The veggies were very fresh, which, I’ll admit, surprised me some. The lettuce was crisp and the cucumbers added a nice crunch. The tomatoes were small and inoffensive. If things would have stopped there, this sandwich would have been a 7. (And also, very unfulfilling.)

But they didn’t stop there.

Subway Frank s Red Hot Buffalo Chicken Innards 2

Subway suggests that its “new buffalo sauce” is made with Frank’s Red Hot sauce, but to be honest, it just tasted like they mixed up some of Frank’s Buffalo Sauce with a dash of Frank’s Hot Sauce. Though the goopy result added a nice kick, there wasn’t enough of it to give you a real “buffalo wing” experience. Similarly, the ranch added very little. It was there, but quickly lost its footing around the hot sauce, muting the heat and failing to provide any nuance.

And then, the chicken.

Subway’s bird-meat is unnaturally soft, weirdly slippery, and tastes like what an extraterrestrial might guess chicken tastes like just from looking at a chicken alone. There is almost no flavor to it, and it is unsettling how it almost disintegrates in your mouth. Were it not for the occasional bit of gristle, I might have wondered if I hadn’t been tricked by tofu.

And really, tofu would have been much preferred. This sandwich made me uncomfortable, and that’s generally the last quality I look for when grabbing lunch.

Purchased Price: $8.49
Size: 12-inch
Rating: 3 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (12-inch sub) 710 calories, 24 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 2720 milligrams of sodium, 79 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 47 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Subway BBQ Rib Sandwich

Subway BBQ Rib Sandwich Sign

When people usually think of pre-formed rib portions, they often think of McDonald’s famed McRib, and rightfully so. Wanting in on that long-running fandom and fanfare that comes maybe once a year, the sandwich artists at Subway are horning in the fake-rib business with the introduction of its BBQ Rib Sandwich.

Using a similar rib-shaped patty to the McRib, Subway’s variation seems more significant, nearly filling the entire six-inch sub I ordered. And while the artisan behind the glass recommended white bread, I instead went with whole wheat. This is where the Subway sandwich begins to differ from McD’s greatly.

Subway BBQ Rib Sandwich Patty

The pale patty with fraudulent grill-lines is placed on bread and absolutely slathered with Subway’s somewhat passable barbeque sauce. It is then put into the proprietary space-age super-oven and toasted nicely within a minute. After it’s pulled out, another heavy squeeze of sauce is added. And then comes the cheese and vegetables.

Subway BBQ Rib Sandwich

With the McRib, you get it the way the clown wants to give it to you: rib, bun, pickles, slivered onions, and sauce. But with Subway, its method of making the sandwich right in front of you brings this rib patty concoction into a whole new realm of possibilities. In addition to the bread, I also got a few slices of provolone cheese, some fresh tomatoes, red onions, green peppers, and jalapenos.

While it will never be a true BBQ feast, for a fast food sandwich, it is one of the better BBQ sandwich offerings out there. While the patty is less fatty than McDonald’s, there is an easy smoky flavor that is enhanced by Subway’s tomato-rich barbecue sauce. Combined with the melty provolone cheese and various vegetables, it’s like a BBQ dinner in a bun.

With Subway’s BBQ Rib Sandwich, I got better than expected results. It’s available for a limited time, but if it comes back somewhat regularly, like the McRib, I can see myself lining up for a taste year after year after year.

Purchased Price: $4.29
Size: 6-inch sub
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 430 calories, 18 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 590 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, and 19 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Subway Corned Beef Reuben Sandwich

Subway Corned Beef Reuben Sandwich

I don’t care what the textbooks say. I don’t care about the debates over the Reuben sandwich’s origins: whether it originated from a Nebraskan grocer’s weekly poker ritual or from a New York delicatessen’s signature “Reuben Special.”

In my eyes—and taste buds—the Reuben was obviously invented by Ruben Studdard. I mean, what else could Ruben have been up to after winning American Idol Season 2, while the more famous runner-up Clay Aiken became a Christmas album mainstay in my grandma’s CD player for years?

And before you ask how Ruben could invent the Reuben when the sandwich first appeared in the 1920s, the answer’s time travel. Duh. Next question.

Okay, that explanation may be more impractical than a Reuben Goldberg machine, but I needed a slipshod introduction for a sandwich as slipshod as Subway’s new Corned Beef Reuben. Because as I soon found out, expecting a fast food joint to do justice to the Reuben’s nearly 100-year legacy was a bit unrealistic.

Subway Corned Beef Reuben Sandwich 2

But let’s start with the rye highs. The popularity of Subway’s Italian Herbs & Cheese and Honey Oat breads suggests that consumers like their bread studded with enough stuff to make a BeDazzler blush, and Subway’s new Rye bread fulfills that desire by baking lightly crunchy caraway seeds into every sub.

The bread itself is dense, earthy, and spiced, while the seeds pop with a sweet anise bite. The taste may be slightly too sour for Hawaiian roll or Wonder Bread veterans, but fans of aged, yeasty bread will appreciate its subtleties.

My only gripe is that the rye isn’t marbled, though that kind of doughy swirl might’ve looked too much like a rolled yoga mat for Subway’s liking.

Meat and cheese are this Reuben’s other strongest elements. While the corned beef isn’t particularly juicy, potently peppered, or too different from Subway roast beef, it’s still thick, tender, and salty enough to give the sandwich a savory, meaty twang.

By which I mean you’ll want to twang an acoustic guitar string after each bite.

The Swiss cheese is an underrated, binding force in Subway’s Reuben. It may have all the complexity of a melted Kraft Single, but it still brings creamy dairy balance to the bread and sauerkraut’s sourness.

Speaking of the sauerkraut: it’s bad, and that’s coming from someone who adores sauerkraut enough to give it an honorary seat at his wedding. Subway’s sauerkraut is far too wet, mushy, and flavorlessly acidic, lacking the light crispness and pickled intricacies of good sauerkraut. But I suppose if I were mashed into a cube and left under Subway’s sneeze guard all day, I’d feel sad and squishy, too.

And the Thousand Island Dressing? It’s barely there, providing a light, underlying fatty flavor with faint mayo and tomato notes. I’d say I only tasted three islands at most, and one of those was Rhode Island, whose authentic island status is questionable at best.

Subway Corned Beef Reuben Sandwich 3

Eating the sandwich together, I mostly taste a sour-sweet war between sauerkraut and bread, while the Reuben’s less flavorful, meaty and creamy children beg their parents to stop fighting. It’s far from authentic, and your limited Reuben enjoyment will hinge on your ingredient balance: I recommend going light on ‘kraut, doubling up on cheese, and getting dressing on the side to add at your discretion.

Better yet, take the $5.25 you could’ve spent on a 6” Subway Reuben to Walmart deli and buy enough loose ingredients to assemble a much tastier haphazard Reuben in the parking lot. Just don’t forget to play Clay Aiken’s Merry Christmas with Love in the car while you do it.

(Nutrition Facts – 6” sandwich, no vegetables – 450 calories, 15 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 1770 milligrams of sodium, 42 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, and 38 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $5.25
Size: N/A
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: BeDazzlingly good rye bread. Guitar strummingly decent corned beef. The complimentarily congealing properties of a Swiss Kraft Single. Parking lot deli sandwiches. Sending my warmest regards to Ruben Studdard, wherever he may be.
Cons: Not authentically Reuben-esque (Reubenic?) enough to justify the cost. Sauerkraut that leaves me sour. Thousand Island Dressing that’s 997 islands short. Not being able to make a “Why? Bread” joke because the bread was actually good.

REVIEW: Subway Pumpkin Spice and Apple Pie Cookies

Subway Pumpkin Spice and Apple Pie Cookies

Every fall I can count on two things: 1) Nick Saban and Alabama will absolutely obliterate every football team in the SEC. 2) Pumpkin spice food products will be thrusted in my face at every grocery store, restaurant, and fast food sandwich shop in America.

Yes, sandwich shop. Thanks to the ubiquitous up-sell of the 60-cent Subway cookie, the most popular flavor of the fall can help you forgot how mediocre your lunch was.

I like to think of pumpkin spice as the flavor version of Alabama’s football dynasty. The hype is everywhere and, for the most part, the hype is deserved. Sure, the Crimson Tide might trip up once a year, just like how we’ll get a dud like Pumpkin Spice M&M’s every once in awhile, but for the most part, pumpkin spice is unstoppable.

In a lot of ways, the rise of pumpkin spice has correlated with the decline of apple pie, autumn’s previously unstoppable flavor, that’s also a new Subway cookie flavor. You might think of apple pie as the Miami of flavors: Once a shoo-in to compete for a national title, but it’s now a run-of-the-mill ACC middleweight that loses to a depleted Notre Dame team.

It’s pretty much the same when it comes to Subway’s cookies.

Subway Pumpkin Spice and Apple Pie Cookies 2

Like Alabama’s balanced offense and stifling defense, the Subway Pumpkin Spice Cookie was seemingly flawless. Textually, the edges were crunchy and the interior was chewy with strong notes of ginger and molasses dominating each bite. The cookie tasted like a ginger snap on steroids. The white confectionery chips added vanilla-flavored bursts of sweetness throughout the cookie, while the sweet taste of cinnamon lingered on my tongue even after I finished the cookie. If there’s one downside it’s that the cookie tastes more like a chewy ginger snap than a pumpkin cookie.

Subway Pumpkin Spice and Apple Pie Cookies 3

The Apple Pie Cookie is not nearly as good as the pumpkin spice one. If we’re talking football, it loses by at least three touchdowns. The Apple Pie Cookie was much sweeter and, like Miami Hurricanes football during the early 2000s, it’s a sexy cookie on the outside. How can it not be with “naturally sweetened” apple chunks baked right into the dough? Yet like the Hurricanes dynasty coming undone, it’s got too many bells and whistles to work. The taste of clove and nutmeg is far too floral, while the sweetened apple chunks taste like someone freeze-dried applesauce. The texture of the chunks is off-putting and hyper sweet, and the entire cookie doesn’t really taste like pie.

Is pumpkin spice’s dominance over the seasonal flavor world annoying? Maybe, but like Alabama’s continued destruction of college football parity, it’s pretty incredible. Subway’s Pumpkin Spice Cookie only adds to that legacy, and is far and away a better end to a mediocre sub than the Apple Pie cookie.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available.)

Purchased Price: 60 cents (each)
Size: N/A
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Pumpkin Spice)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Apple Pie)
Pros: Pumpkin spice cookie has a wonderfully complex texture that’s crunchy on the edges and chewy in the center. Deep, warm sweetness of molasses mixed with ginger, butter, and vanilla.
Cons: Pumpkin Spice cookie lacks deep pumpkin flavor. Cream Cheese chunks would have been better than “confectionery chips”. Apple Spice cookies tastes like what I’d imagine an apple pie air freshener to taste like. Unnatural tasting natural apple chunks.

REVIEW: Subway Monterey Chicken Melt with Subway’s New Grilled Chicken Strips

Subway Monterey Chicken Melt wGrilled Chicken

I’m told that Monterey, California is a beautiful waterfront community with awesome beaches and amazing weather, but I’ve never been there so I’m forced to take the propaganda from the city’s website at its word. Likewise, I’m told Subway’s new Monterey Chicken Melt comes with improved grilled chicken strips which contain no artificial flavors or preservatives, and taste better because they are better.

Whatever that means.

Naturally suspicious of a chain which claims to have single-handedly condensed one giant man into a single pants leg, this is not a claim I can submit to without a little verification.

Subway Monterey Chicken Melt comparison

Subway likes its slogan “Eat Fresh,” but when your oven roasted chicken consists of a somewhat flabby and unnaturally opaque breast of what, presumably, was once a chicken, you’ve earned the right to be called out on the freshness front. For those of you who enjoy the slightly chewy texture and brothy flavor notes of the roasted chicken breast, I have good news. The sandwich to the left features it in all its glory, right on down to the fake black grill marks which are apparently part of the “roasting” process.

Those marks, believe it or not, look suspiciously similar to the ones on the new grilled chicken strips.

Fortunately we speak of two different breasts.

Subway Monterey Chicken Melt wGrilled Chicken 4

The grilled chicken strips on the Monterey Chicken Melt have a much less artificial and salty flavor, while also giving off a pleasant, albeit mild, char-grilled taste which could almost pass as smoky. The portion in a six-inch sub is modest, and the strips lack the proverbial if not injected juiciness of the “roasted” chicken breast, but the flavor is respectable by fast food standards.

While nowhere near as fresh or authentically chargrilled as Chick-fil-A’s Grilled Chicken, I enjoyed the new strips, and enjoyed them on Subway’s “new” sub, which is really just a combination of cheese and protein when you think about it.

Subway Monterey Chicken Melt wGrilled Chicken 2

And let me be real with you here: the new chicken is an improvement, but the Monterey Cheddar makes this sub. It melts perfectly—neither oozing oil nor turning elastic—and adds a subtle milky tanginess, lactic sweetness, and complexity to the sandwich. The vegetables—Subway’s usual combination of tomato, cucumbers, spinach, peppers, and red onion—are fresh and purpose serving, but the sub still tasted a little plain.

I get that Subway wants to keep the attention on the chicken and the cheese, but not marketing the sub with a sauce proves a blunder. At the very least, I’d recommend customizing it with your favorite from Subway’s offerings.

Subway Monterey Chicken Melt wRoasted Chicken

Subway’s Monterey Chicken Melt isn’t very revolutionary, and can more or less be ordered with a Roasted Chicken breast—fake grill marks and salty rib meat aftertaste and all—at fifty cents less than the advertised sub with the new grilled chicken. I did just that, and found it tasty in its own way, the cheese playing a more profound role in offsetting the overly chicken broth flavor of the roasted breast. Still, the flavor of the two sandwiches wasn’t substantially different given the toppings, and had I ordered the same sauce on both my subs, I imagine the flavors would be even more similar.

So does that mean the new, “expertly” prepared grilled chicken is a sham?

Does that mean Monterey’s beaches are actually full of shipwrecked catamarans and the weather is really a none-too-balmy -26 degrees?

Probably not, but what it does mean is that if you’re loading up your sub with fixings, cheese, and sauce, you probably won’t notice the modest, but authentic, grilled taste of the new strips. That’s ok with me. Sometimes less is more—a fact I know the guy they shoved into one pants leg would agree with.

(Nutrition Facts – 6-inch sub on Hearty Italian – 360 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 580 milligrams of sodium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 27 grams of protein.)

Item: Subway Monterey Chicken Melt with Subway’s New Grilled Chicken Strips
Purchased Price: $4.75
Size: 6-inch sub
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Not the same chicken as the roasted chicken. Good, authentic, and non-artificial tasting char-grilled flavor. Clean tasting chicken strips lack the enhanced chewiness of typical fast food roasted or grilled chicken. Monterey Cheddar finally getting its due. Researching possible vacation sites amidst another East Coast polar-vortex.
Cons: Subtle grill flavor might be a little bland for some. Still not as juicy or flavorful as Chick-fil-A’s grilled chicken breast. Lack of a sauce fails to make the flavors pop. Bread-to-meat ratio lags behind premium sub chains.