Author: Brandon

REVIEW: Sonic Oreo Big Scoop Cheesecake Sundae

Brandon 4 Comments

I recently ignited a small firestorm of controversy on a personal social media page by declaring, after my first visit to an In-N-Out, that the universally lauded burger was “fine” and “honestly, not quite as good as a cheeseburger from my closest Sonic.”

And while I do occasionally appreciate a good old-fashioned online riling, that’s not what this was. I meant it.

In-N-Out was perfectly fine. The burger was tasty, and the produce — though too plentiful — was fresh. It was very affordable, which was great. If I had an In-N-Out near me, I would probably get it occasionally. All this being said, it was not manna from heaven.

My nearest Sonic, though, is incredible. Everything always comes out flawlessly assembled and picturesque. The meat is always hot and well-seasoned. The produce is always fresh and applied in just the right amount. This Sonic is, I understand, likely an anomaly.

Even still, I think even the worst Sonic location is capable of pulling together a decent dessert, and I submit, for your consideration, the new Oreo Big Scoop Cheesecake Sundae or Blast.

For the sundae, which is what I had, vanilla soft serve is layered with Oreo cookie pieces, and topped off with a big ol’ scoop of Oreo Cheesecake. (According to the website, the Blast is described as “creamy cheesecake soft serve,” but under the “what’s included” heading, it suggests that it too uses vanilla soft serve but also “Cheesecake Syrup” in addition to the cookie pieces and cheesecake ball. I’m not sure which is correct.)

Sonic’s vanilla soft serve is pretty straightforward — creamy, sweet, and of typical soft serve consistency. The Oreo pieces were layered throughout in perfect execution, as promised, and with a clear purpose — each spoonful contained at least a few bits of chocolate cookie crumble. The real star of this show was the cheesecake orb at the top of the sundae. I don’t know if it comes from a giant bucket of Oreo cheesecake mixture or what, but this golfball-sized sphere of deliciousness was perfectly creamy and cheesecake-y, and I would eat fistfuls of the stuff if someone would let me. My only quibble with this sundae — and it is a nitpicky one — is that I wish the cheesecake could be interspersed throughout. (And if we’re indulging fantasies, perhaps some sort of fudge inclusion wouldn’t be the worst thing.)

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to see if I can find a bucket of Oreo cheesecake mix to nosh on while I read the hate-filled death threats I’m sure to get from the In-N-Outarians in the comments section.

Purchased Price: $3.99
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 570 calories, 30 grams of fat, 17 grams of saturated fat, 90 milligrams of cholesterol, 420 milligrams of sodium, 65 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 43 grams of sugar, and 8 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Old El Paso Cinnamon Toast Crunch Dessert Taco Shells

Brandon 5 Comments

I’m a Cinnamon Toast Crunch guy, through and through. In my pantry right this second, for example, I have Cinnamon Toast Crunch Soft Baked Oatmeal Bars, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cake Mix, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Icing for said cake mix (or just for finger-dipping, like a garden variety unhinged lunatic), and a double-box of the namesake cereal from Costco.

Now, I can’t attest to the cake mix, as I haven’t had it, but I don’t like the oatmeal bars, the “Loaded” cereal I had a few months ago was pretty bad, and the less said about the Stuffed Puffs Marshmallow Filled bites, the better. Point being, while CTC’s PR people are great at selling their product as a desirable collaborator, the actual execution of the experimentations leaves a lot to be desired.

So the big question, then, regarding the new Old El Paso Stand ‘n Stuff Cinnamon Toast Crunch Dessert Taco Shells, is, will these finally buck the trend?

I’ve enjoyed Old El Paso’s flavored Stand ‘n Stuff shells before — specifically the Bold Nacho Cheese and Zesty Ranch varieties — so I had high hopes. This was further encouraged when I pulled the Cinnamon Toast version out of its packaging. The shell itself was heavily dusted, which was a good sign. This was where the good things ended, sadly.

The box instructs you to heat the shells in the oven or the microwave, further noting that “unheated shells will be chewy.” Because things are generally better coming from the oven, I opted to do that. Here’s the thing — heating these shells in the oven made them incredibly brittle and unforgiving. They cracked into pieces upon the first bite, and the texture was a little like chewing on drywall. Because I was so put off by the texture, I actually tried one unheated, and, what do you know, it was much improved. The cinnamon taste, which was almost completely absent on the heated shells, was mildly more noticeable (still not saying much, I know) on the unheated kind. (I didn’t try the microwave; I was completely over these things by my third shell.)

Basically, these shells are regular Old El Paso taco shells that have been sprayed with cinnamon dust. So, due to the very mild cinnamon taste, it mostly tastes like you’re eating ice cream in a regular crunchy corn taco shell. If you think that sounds good, then, by all means, have the rest of mine.

I filled one with regular vanilla ice cream as a benchmark of sorts and one with Blue Bell’s Cinnamon Twist, a newer ice cream I love. Due to vanilla’s plainness, it tasted as mentioned in the above paragraph — as though I was eating an ice cream taco (and not a Choco Taco, which is an immensely better thing to eat). The shell filled with the Cinnamon Twist ice cream was much better; the strong cinnamon from the ice cream overpowered the shell’s salty corn flavor, rendering it into nothing more than a wall-textured ice cream delivery vehicle.

As much as it pains me to say it, these things were a flop. But fear not, brilliant Cinnamon Toast Crunch PR people! It’s pretty obvious I’ll buy whatever weird crossover you put in front of me. Once, anyway.

Purchased Price: $3.18
Size: 10 shells
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 3 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 shells) 160 calories, 9 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar (including 2 grams of added sugar), and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Sparkling Ice Starburst Flavors

Brandon 7 Comments

Who among us hasn’t been sitting around eating a fistful of Starburst when the thought suddenly occurred — “This candy is great and all, but what I’d really like to be doing is drinking it”? Well, friends, the good people at Sparkling Ice have read your mind (don’t ask why they were there to begin with; you don’t want to know) and are here with a solution: new Starburst-flavored Sparkling Ice.

If you don’t know Sparkling Ice, it is the primary product offering from Washington State’s Talking Rain beverage company, which started in 1987 and had roughly $500 million in retail sales in 2019. (I couldn’t find more recent sales figures; its website DOES have an extensive FAQ section, however, with real think pieces like, “Why did strawberry kiwi turn pink?” “Is the color safe?” “Is Sparkling Ice vegan?” and “Is it normal to have sediment floating in my Sparkling Ice?”)

And if you don’t know Starburst… that’s just weird.

So, does the low-calorie drink accurately capture its chewy sugar cube inspiration? As an avid fan of regular Sparkling Ice products, I was eager to find out.

Orange

This was the first one I had, and it was the worst. The taste was somewhere between “citrus aspirin” and an orange-Flintstone vitamin that’d been dusted with a heaping of artificial sweetener. The very first part of the drink made me go, “Hey, this tastes like an orange Starburst,” but everything after made me want to rinse my mouth out with paint thinner. Here’s the deal with artificial sweetener — I have no issue with it. Regular Sparkling Ice has it, and I’m a staunchly Zero/Diet guy when it comes to soda. But this was SO bad that it reminded me of being young and first trying Diet Coke, back when it just tasted like poison to a palate honed on only the finest real sugar cane (or, you know, high fructose corn syrup). In any case, I had no desire to drink more than two sips of this.

Lemon

Though my first thought when I poured this one into the glass was, “Welp, this looks a little like urine,” I had it immediately after Orange, so, you know, there was nowhere to go but up. It managed to taste like its namesake flavor all the way through and had a fraction of the Sucralose taste, which earned it a second-place finish overall.

Cherry

It tasted like a cherry Starburst, but it also managed to fall somewhere in the middle of the prior two in terms of the artificial sweetener taste. I also caught subtle cough syrup notes, which didn’t help my enjoyment. (Come to think of it, the actual cherry Starbursts sort of have that medicinal taste, too. So they really nailed the flavor on this one.)

Strawberry

Everyone knows that the pink Starburst is the best Starburst, case closed. (Out of the original flavors, that is. Tropical and Baja varieties really muck up the overall rankings with their deliciousness.) This, too, was the best Starburst Sparkling Ice. It captured the candy’s essence well but was once again marred by the sweetener. While it didn’t reach Orange levels of intolerability, it was still more noticeable than the Lemon kind.

In the end, I was surprised by how much I disliked these. The heavy application of Sucralose kept them from being anything I’d feel the need to purchase again. I’ll stick with regular Sparkling Ices and pilfer the Starburst two-packs from my daughter’s Halloween candy.

Purchased Price: $1.19 (each)
Size: 17 oz bottles
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 1 out of 10 (Orange), 3 out of 10 (Lemon), 4 out of 10 (Cherry), 5 out of 10 (Strawberry)
Nutrition Facts: (1 bottle) 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 0grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 0 grams of total sugars, and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Coca-Cola Spiced

Brandon 34 Comments

I’m a fiend for flavored Coke. And by “flavored Coke,” I actually mean any cola jazzed up with something else, like Pepsi that is mangoed in nature, and yes, the flavored Cokes — most of them, anyway. I love Cherry and Vanilla Coca-Cola, and I am still mourning the departure of Orange Vanilla Coke. (That and the Cinnamon Coke it did at Christmas a few years ago. I’d do bad, illegal things to have Cinnamon Coke be a regular offering.)

I did not, however, care for many of the past couple of year’s “Mystery Flavors” from the Coca-Cola Creations line. You know, the abstract ones meant to taste like emotions and concepts or those designed by algorithms or famous DJs. There were a couple that were tolerable, but because there were far too many to begin with, they all blended together, and now I can’t remember which ones they were.

But I had high hopes for Coca-Cola Spiced because the flavoring seems pretty straightforward: “Raspberry Spiced (and other natural flavors).” Plus, on more than one occasion, I’ve opted for a Raspberry Coke from a Coke Freestyle machine, and I’ve never regretted it.

But make no mistake. This ain’t that, though.

My previously high hopes were dashed against the rocks immediately after cracking open the bottle.

A strong cough syrup scent overwhelmed me before the first fizzy sip ever touched my lips. Then I took a drink, and perhaps unsurprisingly, the cough syrup was front and center. Thankfully, it wasn’t as strong as the scent, but it was still very present, a medicinal bite that tasted only vaguely raspberrian in nature, right at the beginning of the drink. And while it mellowed slightly on the back end, it never fully went away.

Because I am a “Zero Sugar” guy, I tried both, and while it is worth noting that the Robitussin-esque qualities of Spiced were milder in the Zero version, they are still there, just muted. It made that version more tolerable, but still, nothing I’d actively seek out again.

So until Coca-Cola brings back Orange Vanilla or Cinnamon (or makes Vanilla Zero Sugar more ubiquitous so that I can buy it more often than “that one time I found it last summer while vacationing in Des Moines”), I’ll stick with the options that don’t immediately evoke memories of staying home from school with a bad cough.

Purchased Price: $2.69 each
Size: 20 oz bottles
Purchased at: QuikTrip
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Original), 5 out of 10 (Zero Sugar)
Nutrition Facts: (1 bottle) Original – 250 calories, 0 grams of fat, 50 milligrams of sodium, 67 grams of carbohydrates, 67 grams of sugar (including 67 grams of added sugar), 0 grams of protein, and 54 milligrams of caffeine. Zero Sugar – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 95 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 57 milligrams of caffeine.

REVIEW: Wendy’s Breakfast Burrito

Brandon 19 Comments

“It’s bigger than I thought it would be,” my girlfriend said, starting down at my lap. But before you get any weird ideas, we were leaving the Wendy’s drive thru, and she was referring to the new breakfast burrito I’d recently procured. And to be fair, she was right.

While Wendy’s entry into the crowded world of breakfast burritos isn’t necessarily akin to the infant-sized behemoth you might find on a working person’s local food truck, it is close to twice the size of a McDonald’s burrito, and maybe 25% larger than oh, say, Sonic’s. (I’ve never had a Burger King breakfast burrito, provided they sell one, and it’s been a decade or more since I had Hardee’s version, so I can’t speak to that one, either.)

Unlike its closest fast food competitors — and really, unlike most other breakfast burritos in general — Wendy’s sets itself apart in a few ways. First, it’s using two “fresh cracked eggs.” Think “fried” egg instead of the scrambled you typically find in most burritos. If you’re into that sort of thing, you’ll love this; personally, I found myself missing the consistent bite provided by the scrambled kind.

Second, it’s including its “seasoned breakfast potatoes” in the mix. If you haven’t had the chain’s answer to the standard hash brown, you might be pleasantly surprised. The right amount of seasoned, the right amount of externally crispy, and the right amount of internally fluffy, these wedge-like tubers fill up space within the burrito normally occupied by scrambled egg. Without them — due to the flat nature of the fried eggs — this burrito would be quite thin.

And finally, Wendy’s is setting itself apart by employing a “Swiss cheese sauce.” The idea of a Swiss cheese sauce is pretty intriguing, don’t get me wrong, but I was hard-pressed to notice it in the mix. All I really noticed from a cheese perspective was the American. It did what American cheese always does — it got melty and gooey and served its purpose well.

Same goes for the bacon. Wendy’s uses “Applewood smoked” bacon, which are oven-baked. Wendy’s bacon is pretty good, if you’ve never had it. It comes across as less genetically engineered than McDonald’s, and thicker than Burger King’s. Wendy’s claims there are six strips in the burrito, but that wasn’t my experience. Either their strips are an inch long or they’re fudging the numbers, but I don’t know that I believe mine had anything close to that number.

It’s also worth noting that Wendy’s is including a Cholula hot sauce packet with your burrito. I’m not normally a “hot/taco/picante sauce on my burrito” kinda guy, but I tried it for the sake of science, and predictably, it didn’t really do much to elevate my experience. If you’re a Cholula on your breakfast burrito person, though, this is a thoughtful inclusion.

While this burrito was fine, I’d only eat one again if I found myself requiring a fast-food breakfast and there was nary a McDonald’s in sight. It wasn’t good enough to make me seek out another one, and when it comes to a new product, that’s not exactly a ringing endorsement.

Purchased Price: $4.99
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 700 calories, 40 grams of fat, 16 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2210 milligrams of sodium, 53 grams of total carbohydrates, 4 grams of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, and 32 grams of protein.