REVIEW: Yoplait Delights Parfait (Chocolate Eclair & Cherry Cheesecake)

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Yoplait Delights Parfaits (Chocolate Eclair & Cherry Cheesecake)

I’m a woman, so I know how to eat indulgent foods. When I found out about the two new flavors of Yoplait Delights Parfaits (Chocolate Éclair and Cherry Cheesecake) I knew the occasion called for the Ultimate Feminine Eating Method (UFEM). For those of you unfamiliar with the Method, the first thing you should know is that it requires a lot of smiling. And dancing. And spoons.

With the Chocolate Éclair Delights in hand, I curled up, barefoot, on the window seat in my sunlit, carefully-arranged, shabby chic living room to sample its dense, chocolate-y goodness. The velvety texture of the vanilla custard yogurt layered on top of the rich, dark chocolate yogurt base was sufficiently happiness-inducing, though it wasn’t really what I define as a parfait due to its lack of layering with other foods (e.g. fruit, granola). When I read the label and saw that my delicious and life-affirming snack was only 100 calories, I leapt to my feet to change into some tight, faded denim jeans so that I could prance wildly in front of my full-length mirror and pull my waistband away from my mid-section with glee.

Yoplait Delights Parfaits Chocolate Eclair

The fact that it is scoop-able was also a plus for me because the Ultimate Feminine Eating Method dictates that I only indulge upon things I can eat with a spoon; it simplifies the Method’s standard of luxuriating in a food’s low-fat flavor by allowing you to suck on the spoon for 10 seconds in ecstasy while your eyes roll back in your head. But 10 seconds is all you get. Any longer, and you’re a big, fat pig, and no one will love you.

Still strictly adhering to the UFEM, I took the Cherry Cheesecake Delights to the shore for some impromptu, self-important beach yoga. With the sun’s rays blessing my energetic Virabhadrasana/Warrior II pose, I helped myself to a single spoonful. It wasn’t terrible, but the artificial cherry flavored yogurt left a lot to be desired, and the creamy, cheesecake-flavored base didn’t really taste like cheesecake. Believe me, I know what cheesecake tastes like. I’ve eaten the low-cal, sugar-free, spoonable, mini cheesecake bites offered by other lady-friendly snack lines, and you, sir, are no cheesecake.

Yoplait Delights Parfait Cherry Cheesecake

Despite the Cherry Cheesecake Delights’ shortcomings, it earned a Method-certified, spoon-cleaning lick, and I suddenly felt compelled to abandon my Garudasana and launch into a series of slow-motion cartwheels in the sand, overcome by the sugariness of it all. Then I got dizzy and face-planted in a little kid’s sand castle. Eating a spoonful of food per day leaves you pretty weak. But I sure look great in my yoga outfit.

Yoplait Delights are like deluxe pudding cups (another food item that makes me want to salsa dance with a sexy, faceless stranger in a fancy dress while laughing my head off), and their texture is not too far off from that. They come in four ounce cups, perfect for hiding in one’s purse for ultimate deniability. The Ultimate Feminine Eating Method dictates that a lady must never be seen eating things in public. She must only consume food in private… and partake in a side-splitting laugh or two while doing that.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 container/4.0 oz (113 grams) – Chocolate Éclair – 100 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 13 grams of sugar, 200 milligrams of potassium, and 9 grams of protein. Cherry Cheesecake – 100 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugar, 180 milligrams of potassium, and 9 grams of protein.)

Item: Yoplait Delights Parfait (Chocolate Éclair and Cherry Cheesecake)
Price: $1.99 (on sale; regular price $3.79)
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Vons
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Chocolate Éclair)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Cherry Cheesecake)
Pros: Sexy faceless strangers. Chocolate Eclair was sufficiently happiness-inducing. 100 calories per serving. Spoons. Mirror dancing. Laughing alone with food.
Cons: Big, fat un-loveable pigs. Lack of adequate parfait layering. Cheesecake-flavored base didn’t really taste like cheesecake. Artificial cherry flavored yogurt left a lot to be desired. Snacking with a utensil while maintaining a standing yoga pose. Cheesecake impostors. Sand in your face. Eating in public.

NEWS: Ocean Spray Sparking Cranberry Juice To Make Urinary Tract Infection Prevention A Little Classy

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Ocean Spray is synonymous with cranberries. If it weren’t for Ocean Spray, cranberries would only be known as a Thanksgiving topping and a popular 90s Irish rock band. They’ve done things to cranberries that would make my dominatrix blush, like squash them to make juice and put bags over them. The latest thing Ocean Spray has done with cranberries is to combine their juice with sparking water to make Ocean Spray Sparking Juice Drinks.

The carbonated canned beverage comes in original and diet varieties, and along with cranberry, there’s also a pomegranate blueberry flavor.

The Ocean Spray Sparking Juice Drinks are made with 70 percent fruit juice and contains no added sugar, artificial colors, flavors, or preservatives. A serving has 90 calories and a can of it is a good source of vitamin C, provides a full serving of fruit, and might offer some sweet, sweet release from urinary tract infections. The diet versions have just 10 calories per serving.

REVIEW: Lean Cuisine Casual Cuisine Spring Rolls (Fajita-Style Chicken, Garlic Chicken and Thai-Style Chicken)

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Lean Cuisine Casual Cuisine Spring Rolls

According to the Lean Cuisine website, they’re promoting their new Casual Cuisine Spring Rolls as snacks. But, I’ve never thought of spring rolls as a snack. These potato chips I’m eating that are making my keyboard greasy while I’m typing this is a snack. This candy bar I’m also eating that makes my keyboard sticky while I’m typing this is a snack. These cookies I’m also eating that leave crumbs on my keyboard that find their way between the keys and cause them to jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam is also a snack. But spring rolls…no.

I’ve always thought of springs rolls as an appetizer, or as the French say, hors d’oeuvres. They’re also usually the only menu item I can pronounce without offending anyone at Vietnamese or Thai restaurants.

The Lean Cuisine Casual Cuisine Spring Rolls come in three varieties: Fajita-Style Chicken Spring Rolls with white meat chipotle chicken, corn, black beans, bell peppers and onions; Garlic Chicken Spring Rolls that contain white meat chicken, garlic, spinach, onions and parmesan cheese; and Thai-Style Spring Rolls that contain white meat chicken, shredded cabbage, julienne yellow carrots and spicy red coconut curry.

Lean Cuisine Casual Cuisine Spring Rolls Outards

Each spring roll measures 4.25 inches long and about an inch wide, and they really don’t look like what’s pictured on the box, thanks to the burnt ends. But then again, what product in the history of frozen microwaveable foods looks like the picture on the front of the box. Each box comes with two servings of three spring rolls, and each serving comes with its own crisping sleeve, but no dipping sauce. The effectiveness of the crisping sleeve varies. They do a good job of crisping the ends of each roll, but the middle, not so much. Also, once prepared, the exterior is a little greasy.

Lean Cuisine Casual Cuisine Spring Rolls Innards

The chipotle chicken in the Fajita-Style Chicken Spring Rolls has a smidgen of heat and a decent flavor. The black beans and onions were also noticeable, but despite being able to see chunks of corn and bell peppers, I couldn’t distinguish them from the other ingredients, and, although I’m not a lawyer, I think they’re just in there so they can legally be called “Fajita-style.”

After reading the front of its box, I thought the Garlic Chicken Spring Rolls would be really good, creating a spinach dip-like flavor. The garlic and parmesan cheese were the strongest flavors, but the combination of all the ingredients created a weird amalgamation of flavors that destroyed my hopes for these spring rolls and made them my least favorite of the three.

As for the Thai-Style Spring Rolls, I was equally as disappointed with them as the Garlic Chicken variety. I expected the spicy red coconut curry to be a strong flavor and for it to be spicy, but it wasn’t. The carrots stood out for some strange reason, which is fine for rabbits, but not for me. Also, with each bite, I didn’t taste the curry at first, but after chewing several times, the curry flavor starts to come out. It’s as if the curry needs the enzymes in my saliva to activate.

I can’t say I was blown away by any of these Lean Cuisine Spring Roll varieties, but if I had to pick a favorite, it would have to be the Fajita-Style Spring Rolls because it’s the only flavor doesn’t taste a bit off. The other two flavors aren’t god-awful, but I don’t think they’re worth getting my keyboard greasy because of them.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 spring rolls – Fajita-Style Chicken – 200 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 580 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 15 grams of protein. Garlic Chicken – 200 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of sugar, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 580 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein. Thai-Style Chicken – 200 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 580 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.)

Other Lean Cuisine Casual Cuisine Spring Rolls reviews:
Foodette Reviews
Tasty Lies – Thai-Style Chicken and Garlic Chicken
I Ate A Pie

Item: Lean Cuisine Casual Cuisine Spring Rolls (Fajita-Style Chicken, Garlic Chicken and Thai-Style Chicken)
Price: $3.79
Size: Six spring rolls
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Fajita-Style Chicken)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Garlic Chicken)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Thai-Style Chicken)
Pros: Two packs of three spring rolls per box. Fajita-Style Chicken was the best tasting of the three. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. Being able to order something at a Thai restaurant without offending anyone.
Cons: Garlic Chicken and Thai-Style Chicken taste a bit off. Spring rolls aren’t snacks. Exterior is a little greasy. Crisping sleeve doesn’t do a thorough job of crisping. Curry flavor in Thai-Style Chicken takes awhile to come out. Garlic Chicken has a weird garlic flavor. Keyboard keys getting jammed due to crumbs.

NEWS: KZ3 Battle Fuel Slurpee For Gamers Lacks C8H10N4O2

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Slurpee, consumed

KZ3 is short for the PlayStation 3 video game, Killzone 3, which is scheduled to be released on February 22. I don’t play first-person shooters because they make me nauseous and give me weird dreams that involve me ducking all the time. But I don’t think KZ3 Battle Fuel Slurpee would be a good battle fuel while you’re shooting Helghast Empire baddies because it lacks what all gamers crave…electrolytes. Er, I mean, caffeine.

However, if you drink ten KZ3 Battle Fuel Slurpees from cups with reward points, or dumpster dive to get ten Slurpee cups with reward points, you can redeem those points to download a “Retro Map Pack” which has two popular maps from Killzone 2 — Salamun Market and Blood Gracht.

Slurpee describes their KZ3 Battle Fuel Slurpee as, “A relentless blast of orange.” However, if you compare its ingredients list and with regular orange Slurpee, you’ll see that they’re the same.

Eight ounces of KZ3 Battle Fuel Slurpee has 66 calories, 0 grams of fat, 15 grams of carbohydrates and 15 grams of sugar.

NEWS: Fight Cavities, But Not The Lingering Taste of Artificial Bacon In Your Mouth With Bacon Toothpaste

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Day 248 - Bacon

In order to have the taste of bacon in your mouth all day, you could get bacon stuck in between your teeth, but that’s bad oral hygiene.

If only there was something that could make your pie hole… I mean, bacon hole smell like bacon, but yet something that doesn’t involve food rotting in between your teeth. Well, guess what? Mr. Bacon’s Bacon Flavored Toothpaste is the artificially flavored way to keep your teeth clean and breath bacon-y fresh all day.

If you’re interested in starting your day and ending your evening with bacon toothpaste, you can purchase a 2.5 ounce tube from the Archie McPhee website for $4.50.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, there is bacon floss, but no Listerine Bacon. Add the bacon toothpaste and bacon floss with bacon soap, and you have yourself the toiletry bag of loneliness.

Source: Foodbeast

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