REVIEW: Glaceau VitaminWater stur-D

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VitaminWater Stur-D

I love VitaminWater, like Kim Kardashian loves NFL players.

Perhaps I have a fondness towards VitaminWater because I enjoy variety and there are so many VitaminWater variations. If all the flavors were bound together in book form, the number of varieties would make it feel like one is flipping through the Kama Sutra. There are so many VitaminWater flavors that there is no human on Earth who has more fingers and toes than VitaminWater flavors, even those who have polydactyly.

Because Glaceau pumps out VitaminWater flavors at a rate usually only seen on TLC reality shows, developing new ones must be easy. I’m talking putting on shoes with Velcro straps instead of shoelaces easy.

It’s as if the folks at Glaceau sneak onto the Wheel of Fortune set and spin the wheel to determine which color they’re going to use. Then they mash ingredients together to determine which ones would make that color. Then they figure out which part of the body it’s supposed to help by staring at Leonardo da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man drawing. Then they have a 14-year-old girl send thousands of text messages, pull the thousands of misspelled words and choose one for the flavor’s name. Finally, they have a copywriter, who uses a keyboard that’s built with high voltage electrified caps lock and shift keys to discourage use of them, type out the description of the flavor that ends up on the bottle’s label.

Doesn’t that sound easy peasy lemon squeezy?

stur-D is the latest VitaminWater flavor and it combines blue agave, passion fruit and citrus. An 8-ounce serving of it contains 10 percent of your daily recommended intake of calcium and vitamin D to help maintain bones. stur-D also has 120 percent of vitamin C and 40 percent of several B vitamins per eight-ounce serving, and it’s got what plants crave. It’s got electrolytes.

Most VitaminWater flavors taste like juice that had an entire tray of ice melt in them, but this blue colored beverage seems sweeter. This could be because it contains five percent juice, or because it has three different sweeteners (crystalline fructose, cane sugar and rebiana). It has a pleasant tropical-ish flavor with the passion fruit on the front end, and the citrus on the back end. I also notice a little berry flavor.

VitaminWater stur-D is good, but I’m not sure drinking it is as effective at maintaining strong bones as a cup of milk or soymilk, which have around 30 percent of your daily recommended intake of calcium and vitamin D per serving. Personally, I prefer to get my calcium and vitamin D the old fashioned way — eating cheese while sunbathing in the nude.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 40 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 10 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 120% vitamin C, 10% vitamin D, 40% vitamin B6, 40% vitamin B5, 10% calcium, 40% vitamin B3 and 40% vitamin B12.)

Item: Glaceau VitaminWater stur-D
Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Pleasant tropical-ish flavor. The variety of VitaminWater. Excellent source of vitamin C. Good source of B vitamins. Eating cheese while sunbathing in the nude. It’s got what plants crave.
Cons: Only 10 percent of your daily recommended intake of calcium and vitamin D. Keyboard keys that shock you. Use of lowercase and uppercase letters. Might be a little too sweet for some. The Kardashians.

NEWS: Trident Vitality Gum Has Added Benefits and Flavor Names My Computer’s Spell Check Doesn’t Think Are Words

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Chewing gum bin in Anfield dugout

Vitamin C, ginseng and white tea are usually found in beverages, but Trident is stuffing each of them into a chewing gum to create their Vitality Gum line. The three varieties of the sugar-free gum include:

Awaken – a peppermint flavored gum with a bit of ginseng.
Rejuve – a combination of mint and white tea without the need for -nate.
Vigorate – a mix of citrus and strawberry with vitamin C and without an in-.

It’s unclear how much ginseng is in a piece of Awaken and the amount of white tea in a piece of Rejuve, but Vigorate is said to contain 10 percent of our daily recommended intake of vitamin C.

Oooh, 10 percent! Now I can stop sucking on limes to prevent scurvy.

The Trident Vitality line will be available early next year, come in nine-piece packs and retail for $1.29.

Image via flickr user Ben Sutherland / CC BY 2.0

REVIEW: Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate

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Silk Mint Chocolate Soy Milk

Do your children still believe in Santa Claus?

Good. Keep lying to them and recommend that instead of plain white milk, which “Santa” throws out anyway, they should pour a glass of Silk’s Mint Chocolate Soymilk to go with the cookies they leave out for Santa.

If your children ask you why Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate, tell them leaving the special seasonal flavor of soymilk might encourage Santa to leave them a better gift, like a pony, a mommy and daddy who don’t fight all the time, or the greatest gift of all, a $1,000 iTunes gift card.

Of course, if they leave out the mint chocolate-flavored soymilk for Santa, they won’t wake up to any of those awesome gifts, unless you robbed a ranch or Apple Store. But you can console them by saying, “Maybe Santa didn’t leave you a pony because you were a little too naughty this year. What do you have to say for yourself? Is there anything you’d like to admit?”

Why lie to your children in order to get them to pour a glass of this flavored soymilk for Santa? Because you’re probably tired of plain white milk, Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate is tasty, and because, admit it, lying to your kids is so easy to do.

Children are so dumb… I mean, gullible… I mean, innocent.

No, on second thought, since I don’t have children, I mean dumb.

I think Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate is good enough to make up for the compounded lies and therapy your offspring might have to go through to get past trust issues. Also, if you have no guilt or conscience, I believe the soymilk will taste much sweeter.

Silk Mint Chocolate Cup

Unfortunately, the soymilk’s chocolate flavor wasn’t what I was expecting. I was hoping it would be as chocolatey as Silk’s regular chocolate soymilk, but just like the drinks at strip clubs, it was slightly watered down. However, the soymilk has the right amount of mint flavor. There’s just enough so that you know it’s there, but it doesn’t overpower, much like the amount of cologne a gentleman puts on.

The Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate isn’t perfect, but I think it’s the best of the three Silk Soymilk holiday flavors, which also include Nog and Pumpkin Spice. Also, I think if you add a little Baileys Irish Cream, it will make the toy below slightly less annoying, if your child asks Santa for it.

If you can’t see the video, click here

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 90 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram polyunsaturated fat, 0 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 300 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 30% calcium, 30% vitamin D, 4% folate, 8% magnesium, 10% iron, 25% riboflavin, 50% vitamin B12 and 2% zinc.)

Item: Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate
Price: $3.79
Size: 1 quart
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Best tasting of the three Silk Soymilk holiday flavors. Lactose, dairy and cholesterol free. No saturated fat. Tastes good warmed up. Ponies. Contains a bunch of vitamins and minerals. A $1,000 iTunes gift card.
Cons: Unexpectedly weak chocolate flavor. Slightly disappointing amounts of protein. Seasonal flavor. Watered down drinks at strip clubs. Your children having to go to therapy due to trust issues caused by being lied to. Annoying Christmas gifts.

NEWS: New Axe Men’s Shampoos Either Soothe, Ignite or Refresh, Or If They Were Women’s Shampoos, Relax, Warm or Reinvigorate

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Axe in wood

Axe, the company that made spray-on deodorant cool again, released three new shampoos to make men’s heads feel the same sensations that can also be felt with a particular Trojan brand condom.

The latest shampoos from Axe give users either a cooling, tingling or warming sensation, just like Trojan’s Fire & Ice condoms. Zen Soothing Tea Tree Shampoo is made with real tea tree extract, which tingles the scalp; Heat Igniting Citrus 2 in 1 Shampoo + Conditioner consists of spices and citrus that warms one’s head; and Downpour Refreshing Mint Shampoo has cooling peppermint leaf extract.

These additions give high school and college-aged boys more options when it comes to the vast line of Axe hair care products, which not only consists of shampoos and conditioners, but also hair styling products. The Axe shampoos are available in 12-ounce bottles.

Image via flickr user brittgow / CC BY 2.0

REVIEW: McDonald’s Holiday Pie

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McDonald's Holiday Pie

Of all the great rivalries we have in this country — Democrats vs. Republicans, Yankees vs. Red Sox, Edward vs. Jacob — there is only one that will truly last the test of time: Pie vs. Cake. Epic battles have been waged between these two desserts (I counted 120 on YouTube, alone), but it appears that this holiday season, McDonald’s has bravely attempted to bridge the gap, so that we may all bask in the glow of holiday togetherness. Behold, the Holiday Pie, a 250-Calorie hybrid for those who like a little pie in their cake and a little cake in their pie.

I bought mine for 69 cents PLUS tax, which is a travesty, considering they were sold for much less last year. It appears that McDonald’s may have come upon hard times and is scraping up every last nickel to spend on magical unicorn oil or whatever it is that they use to cook those awesome fries. Case in point, the McDonald’s where I purchased my Holiday Pie had been forced to hang old coffee cups from the ceiling as their Christmas decorations. Le sigh…

The presentation of this pie is a bit off-putting. First of all, there is a guy on the box who looks like he’s frantically trying to avoid having to kiss his amorous girlfriend who has most likely just polished off a limited-time-only McRib and now has killer onion breath. Second, the Holiday Pie is a “Special Order.” It says so on the sticker that someone lovingly placed on the box. How special? It’s special enough that it has sprinkles that remind no one of Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan or Boxing Day. Which holiday does this thing represent, exactly? Sugar Puff Glitter Ponies Remembrance Day? The man on the box seems to beg for answers through his twisted scowl. But there are none to be had.

McDonald's Holiday Pie Innards

A fairly sweet and crumbly “sugar cookie” crust encapsulates a nuclear yellow pudding, which tastes an awful lot like yellow cake. You’ll notice I put a space in between the words “yellow” and “cake” in order to differentiate between the tasty baked food and the uranium-derived powder used in nuclear reactors. Strange that they both produce the neon colors present in this menu item. Coincidence? Only Mr. Kissy-Face on the box may know for sure. Maybe his desperate expression is meant to be a warning.

The Holiday Pie isn’t terrible. It’s sweet without being too sugary, and it’s served warm without scalding your mouth (like their molten lava-style apple pie). On the downside, the texture of the crust is slightly silty… like fine sand. There is also a strange, chemical aftertaste that accompanies the pudding, which makes me think I’m going to go home later and suddenly develop super powers. I call dibs on X-ray vision!!!

What? I like to watch.

So, yeah, the Holiday Pie. I’m not hating it… but I’m not lovin’ it.

(Nutrition Facts – 260 calories, 120 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of total carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, and a single, solitary gram of dietary fiber)

Item: McDonald’s Holiday Pie
Price: 69 cents
Size: 1 pie (2.7 oz)
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Pie/Cake hybrid, sweet & warm, 69 cents, Glitter Ponies, Special Order, The Holidays, super powers.
Cons: Possible nuclear components, 69 cents plus tax, onion breath, inexplicable sprinkles.

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