REVIEW: Silk Pumpkin Spice Almond Nog

Silk Pumpkin Spice Almond Nog

I like almond milk. It gives me a break from soy milk, which gives me a break from regular cow milk, which gives me a break from soda, which gives me a break from water, which gives me a break from food, which gives me a break from having a conversation with someone who won’t shut up about The Walking Dead. I’m sure it’s a wonderful TV show, but I’m not going to watch it. So you don’t need to convince me.

I also like pumpkin spice and am not sick of everything being pumpkin spice-ified. So seeing my two likes together in one carton made me as excited as a Walking Dead fan minutes before a new season starts.

Silk Pumpkin Spice Almond Nog isn’t the first pumpkin spice product from the brand. It has a pumpkin spice soy milk, which I enjoy and have purchased a few times. Since Silk has added pumpkin spice to their almond milk, it wouldn’t be surprising if we see the autumn spices with their coconut milk, cashew milk, and whatever nut milk Silk develops in the future. My money is on Brazilian nut.

Silk’s Pumpkin Spice Almond Nog has wonderful scent. When I pulled back the safety ring and took a whiff, it was like what I imagine motorboarding two pumpkin pies would smell like. It has an orange tint that looks like the result of a Creamsicle that’s been completely melted into a puddle mixed with the tears of a child who’s crying because he or she dropped that Creamsicle. Its texture is about the same as almond milk, not as creamy as soy milk, but not as thin as skim milk.

But its texture is also a bit weird and I’m not sure how to describe it. I guess it has an artificial creaminess to it. Actually, now that I think about it, all Silk products, thanks to thickening agents and emulsifiers, have an artificial creaminess, but this nog seems different than the other products.

Silk Pumpkin Spice Almond Nog 2

While the beverage’s aroma reminds me of the Thanksgiving dessert staple, its flavor does not. The spices are there — with cinnamon being the strongest, followed by ginger and nutmeg — but instead of pumpkin pie, its taste reminds me of cinnamon pancakes drowning in Mrs. Butterworth’s or Aunt Jemima. Yes, that does sound tasty but not at all what I was hoping for and I did not enjoy it much.

Also, I don’t know if many people care about this, but this beverage is nutritionally empty. A cup of Silk’s almond milk has 45 percent of your recommended calcium and 50 percent of your recommended vitamin E. A half-cup of this provides no calcium or vitamin E. Almonds are a great source of vitamin E, so how could it not have any vitamin E?

If you need a non-dairy pumpkin spice beverage fix, there are other options. I know there’s Almond Dream pumpkin spice-flavored milk and Califia Farms has a pumpkin spice latte with almond milk, but I haven’t had them so I can’t compare. But I can compare it with the Silk Pumpkin Spice soy milk and I think the soy milk version is much better tasting.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 50 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1 gram of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 8 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Silk Pumpkin Spice Almond Nog
Purchased Price: $4.69
Size: 1 quart
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Free of soy, dairy, gluten, lactose, cholesterol, eggs, casein, and carrageenan. Smells nice. The Walking Dead (so everyone says).
Cons: Free of decent flavor. Provides no vitamin E, which is weird because it’s made with almond milk. Not as good as Silk’s pumpkin spice soy milk. Weird texture.

REVIEW: Silk Vanilla Iced Latté Coffeehouse Drink

Silk Iced Latte Coffeehouse Drink Vanilla

I consider myself very lucky to have no food allergies. I’m allergic to dust, pollen, weeds, grass, animals, and I suspect just “going outside”, but I have no aversion to lactose, gluten, or anything else food-related.

This is fortunate for me, since I have very little self-control. If I ever became lactose intolerant, I would probably spend the rest of my life sharting myself, because I love dairy products and you’ll have to pry a slice of pizza with extra cheese out of my cold, dead hands. I’m assuming I died from diarrhea-related dehydration.

Many others are not as lucky as I, however. Fortunately, for those with an intolerance to cow milk, there’s soy milk!

I’ve known a few moo milk-drinkers who have tried soy milk and been all, “Ew, gross, this tastes and feels nothing like real milk.” Well, no, because it’s not cow milk. Please try not to faint from shock when something tastes different than something else because it’s made from completely different ingredients. God forbid you eat a tofu burger; you’d probably have a heart attack. Or not, because you’re much more likely to have a heart attack eating red meat.

I say all this like I’m the greatest lactose intolerant/vegan sympathizer out there. In reality, I’m a total asshole and constantly make fun of my hippy friends who are vegetarians, and deal out juvenile fart jokes to anyone I know who can’t eat dairy.

That said, I’ve quietly cheated on cow milk with soy milk quite a few times in my past. It had nothing to do with health – in fact, I generally have a natural aversion to anything that’s good for me – I just like the way it tastes, specifically the vanilla and almond varieties.

When I saw that Silk had come out with “iced latté coffeehouse drinks”, I immediately thought of Starbucks bottled Frappuccinos, and wondered how the two would compare. Before you get your panties in a bunch over the fact that lattés and cappuccinos are different, consider that these are pre-made store products, not drinks created by your favorite barista.

Silk’s Iced Lattés come in two flavors – vanilla and mocha. I chose vanilla simply because I prefer it over chocolate. Don’t get me started on people who think vanilla isn’t a legit flavor – I just spent two paragraphs defending soy milk, which goes against every opportunity-for-mockery bone in my body. Those are most of my bones, by the way.

Silk’s website sez: “Be your own barista with smooth, refreshing Silk Vanilla Iced Latte. A wholesome blend of Silk soymilk and espresso from premium Arabica coffee beans, our Iced Latte is deliciously dairy-free, with no artificial sweeteners, colors or flavors and no high-fructose corn syrup. Coffeehouse-quality taste, conveniently located in your home fridge.”

Right off the bat, I like that they don’t use HFCS, because I’m a total snob about that. On a sarcastic note, I also like that they’re too lazy to use the é in “latte”, despite it being obviously present on the carton. Hey Silk, it’s not that hard to learn alt codes. Or copy and paste the symbol off of Wikipedia, which is what I’m doing for this éntiré réviéw. See how easy that is?

Now then, to the drink itself.

Silk Vanilla Iced Latté Coffeehouse Drink is a little thicker than normal Silk soy milk, but not quite as thick as a Frappuccino, or a latté you’d get at an actual coffee house. This is to be expected, since soy milk is generally more watery than moo milk. I don’t usually mind this, but when you start getting into fancypants coffee territory, viscosity is important, and Silk juuuuuust missed the mark on creaminess.

Silk Iced Latte Coffeehouse Drink Vanilla Closeup

What it may lack in texture, Silk iced latte makes up for in flavor. I could immediately taste the vanilla, and it wasn’t just “soy milk vanilla”, it was “shot of vanilla syrup” vanilla, which is important in a coffee drink. It also had just the right amount of sweetness, which is something I can’t even say for some other coffee drinks – I’ve had some vanilla lattés that were so sweet they made my stomach hurt afterwards.

As for the coffee itself, I found its flavor to be a little lacking. Not in quality, but in quantity. There was a nice coffee finish, but it was too muted. I like my share of fru-fru coffee drinks, but I also want it to actually taste like coffee. In a perfect drink, I like my vanilla and coffee flavors to be about 50/50. I felt like in this drink, it was more 70/30.

Silk Vanilla Iced Latté Coffeehouse Drink isn’t perfect – the consistency is a little too thin, and the coffee flavor too muted – but if you’ve been looking for a lactose-free, gluten-free alternative to Starbucks bottled vanilla Frappuccino, this drink isn’t too shabby. The non-HFCS sweetness and vanilla flavors are pleasant, and it does actually have some caffeine in it. Although the carton does not specify how much, the Silk website says it has 64 milligrams of caffeine per serving. All in all, it’s a decent off-the-shelf coffee soy drink.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 100 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 45 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 20 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Silk Iced Latté reviews:
The Good Karma Kitchen

Item: Silk Vanilla Iced Latté Coffeehouse Drink
Purchased Price: $3.49 (on sale; regularly $4.59)
Size: Half gallon
Purchased at: Albertson’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice vanilla flavor. Juvenile fart jokes. Just the right amount of sweetness. Caffeine. No high-fructose corn syrup.
Cons: Coffee flavor was too muted. Sharting. Could have been creamier. Silk’s copy writers being too lazy to put an accent mark over the “e” in “latté”.

REVIEW: Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate

Silk Mint Chocolate Soy Milk

Do your children still believe in Santa Claus?

Good. Keep lying to them and recommend that instead of plain white milk, which “Santa” throws out anyway, they should pour a glass of Silk’s Mint Chocolate Soymilk to go with the cookies they leave out for Santa.

If your children ask you why Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate, tell them leaving the special seasonal flavor of soymilk might encourage Santa to leave them a better gift, like a pony, a mommy and daddy who don’t fight all the time, or the greatest gift of all, a $1,000 iTunes gift card.

Of course, if they leave out the mint chocolate-flavored soymilk for Santa, they won’t wake up to any of those awesome gifts, unless you robbed a ranch or Apple Store. But you can console them by saying, “Maybe Santa didn’t leave you a pony because you were a little too naughty this year. What do you have to say for yourself? Is there anything you’d like to admit?”

Why lie to your children in order to get them to pour a glass of this flavored soymilk for Santa? Because you’re probably tired of plain white milk, Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate is tasty, and because, admit it, lying to your kids is so easy to do.

Children are so dumb… I mean, gullible… I mean, innocent.

No, on second thought, since I don’t have children, I mean dumb.

I think Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate is good enough to make up for the compounded lies and therapy your offspring might have to go through to get past trust issues. Also, if you have no guilt or conscience, I believe the soymilk will taste much sweeter.

Silk Mint Chocolate Cup

Unfortunately, the soymilk’s chocolate flavor wasn’t what I was expecting. I was hoping it would be as chocolatey as Silk’s regular chocolate soymilk, but just like the drinks at strip clubs, it was slightly watered down. However, the soymilk has the right amount of mint flavor. There’s just enough so that you know it’s there, but it doesn’t overpower, much like the amount of cologne a gentleman puts on.

The Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate isn’t perfect, but I think it’s the best of the three Silk Soymilk holiday flavors, which also include Nog and Pumpkin Spice. Also, I think if you add a little Baileys Irish Cream, it will make the toy below slightly less annoying, if your child asks Santa for it.

If you can’t see the video, click here

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 90 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram polyunsaturated fat, 0 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 300 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 30% calcium, 30% vitamin D, 4% folate, 8% magnesium, 10% iron, 25% riboflavin, 50% vitamin B12 and 2% zinc.)

Item: Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate
Price: $3.79
Size: 1 quart
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Best tasting of the three Silk Soymilk holiday flavors. Lactose, dairy and cholesterol free. No saturated fat. Tastes good warmed up. Ponies. Contains a bunch of vitamins and minerals. A $1,000 iTunes gift card.
Cons: Unexpectedly weak chocolate flavor. Slightly disappointing amounts of protein. Seasonal flavor. Watered down drinks at strip clubs. Your children having to go to therapy due to trust issues caused by being lied to. Annoying Christmas gifts.

REVIEW: Silk PureAlmond Almond Milk (Original and Vanilla)

The new Silk PureAlmond Almond Milk continues my amazement with Silk and their ability to get milk from things that don’t have teats. Although if you put together two almonds side-by-side, they look like tanned shriveled boobs that never saw a bra in their lives and lost to gravity eons ago.

Call me unsophisticated or a sucker of the dairy industry’s nipple, but I’ve never heard of almond milk. Actually, I didn’t know almonds could be made into anything other than trail mix, desserts, Almond Joy and Almond Roca.

Almonds are known for being wholesome because they’re packed with vitamin E and contain the heart-healthy and prefix-happy polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats; almond milk contains all the benefits of almonds and it’s lower in calories than regular milk; and almond eyes mesmerize me. Silk’s version of this milk alternative made from a saggy boob-shaped nut comes in two varieties — original and vanilla.

As someone who has never consumed almond milk, but eats a lot of Almond Roca, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Fortunately, after trying both varieties, I have to say Silk did a good job of creating something that didn’t gross me out.

The original version tastes like almonds with a little bit of sweetness. So if you’ve had an almond, whether it be from a trail mix or given to you by friendly squirrel, you’ll know what the original Silk PureAlmond is like. At first, I thought it was weird drinking something that has the flavor of a solid and crunchy nut, but after a few more sips it quickly became no big deal. The vanilla version was significantly sweeter than the original variety. While the original version has seven grams of sugar, the vanilla one has more than double the amount. The nutty flavor is less noticeable thanks to the “natural vanilla flavor,” but I do believe it makes almond milk more palatable for those who aren’t used to it.

Not only are both flavors delicious and nutritious, they’re also lactose- and soy-free and have a consistency that’s thicker than most soy milk. However, they’re also very low in protein, which isn’t a problem for cow and soy milk. But if you hate moo milk and are allergic to soy, or you’re lactose-intolerant and hate soy, or any other combination of allergies and hate, I’d suggest giving Silk PureAlmond Almond Milk a try.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – Vanilla – 90 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 150 milligrams of potassium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein. Original – 60 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 150 milligrams of potassium, 8 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein. Vitamins & Minerals – 10% vitamin A, 30% calcium, 25% vitamin D, 2% riboflavin, 4% magnesium, 2% copper, 4% iron, 50% vitamin E, 6% phosphorus, 2% zinc and 6% manganese.)

Item: Silk PureAlmond Almond Milk (Original and Vanilla)
Price: $3.49 each
Size: Half gallon
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Vanilla)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Original)
Pros: Both flavors are tasty. Lower in calories than regular milk. No saturated fat. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. Good source of calcium and vitamin D. Kick ass source of vitamin E. Silk’s ability to get milk from things that don’t have teats.
Cons: Very little protein. Original flavor may take some getting used to if you’ve never had almond milk before. Vanilla flavor might be too sweet for some. Almonds look like tanned saggy boobs.

REVIEW: Silk Soymilk Pumpkin Spice

With the holiday season comes a plethora of holiday flavors. One of the most popular is pumpkin spice, which is not only a Starbucks Latte variety, available only this time of year, and a limited edition Bath & Body Works scent, it’s also a seasonal Silk Soymilk flavor.

I believe Pumpkin Spice was also the name of the fired sixth Spice Girl who had one mean muffin top and a penchant for spray-on tans.

Silk Soymilk Pumpkin Spice isn’t as tasty as the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte and it doesn’t make me extremely horny like the scent of the Bath & Body Works Pumpkin Spice Body Lotion does, but it’s better tasting than Silk’s other holiday flavor — the mediocre Silk Soymilk Nog.

According to Silk, their Pumpkin Spice can be consumed either chilled or warm, but I like my soy milk the same way I like my interactions with ex-girlfriends — chilly. With a name like Pumpkin Spice, you might think it’s going to taste somewhat like pumpkin pie, but if you’re coming in with those expectations, you need make like a Match.com subscriber who hasn’t found any matches and lower your expectations.

The Silk Soymilk Pumpkin Spice has a pleasant pumpkin flavor with a hint of cinnamon, but it’s definitely not as pungent as a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte and it doesn’t make you think you’re eating a pumpkin pie. Perhaps its most disappointing characteristic was its lack of creaminess. Although it contains carrageenan, which is known to be a thickening agent, it was as watery as skim milk. I was hoping it would be as rich and creamy as egg nog, but like most of Silk’s soy milk products, it had the same creaminess as the water coming out of the breasts of a statue on the Playboy Mansion grounds.

Overall, I did enjoy it, but I think it’s because I’m a regular soy milk drinker. If you normally drink moo milk, you might find the flavor and consistency of the soy milk a bit odd. Like all Silk Soymilk products, the Pumpkin Spice is dairy-free, cholesterol-free and lactose-free, so if you’re looking for a healthier egg nog replacement, and you don’t mind soy milk and the fact that soy milk really isn’t milk, then the Silk Soymilk Pumpkin Spice might be something you should try.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 170 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 300 milligrams of potassium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 24 grams of sugar, 6 grams of protein, 4% calcium and 4% iron.)

Item: Silk Soymilk Pumpkin Spice
Price: $2.99
Size: 1 quart
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Pleasant pumpkin flavor. Better tasting than Silk Nog. Cholesterol-free. Lactose-free. Low in saturated fat. Decent source of soy proteins. The way the scent of the Bath & Body Works Pumpkin Spice Body Lotion makes me feel down there. Statues that shoot water out of naughty parts.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like pumpkin pie. Non-soy milk drinkers might not enjoy it. 24 grams of sugar per cup. Consistency was thin, like all Silk products. Having to lower your expectations on online dating sites.

REVIEW: Silk Soy Nog

Silk Nog

During the holiday season I look forward to several things, like trying to get onto Santa’s naughty list, tricking women to kiss me under the mistletoe, wishing all the white people Happy Kwanzaa, and drinking egg nog, which I look forward to the most.

If I owned a dairy, I would not only piss off the ghost of French scientist Louis Pasteur by drinking milk straight from a cow’s udder, I would also make egg nog available throughout the year, because sometimes I crave it in July when the temperature rises and my body yearns for something cool, refreshing, and made out of something that comes out of a chicken’s butt.

Of course, the problem with having egg nog year round is the fact that real egg nog is as fattening as Rosie O’Donnell would be to an anaconda, which makes drinking egg nog year round good for Nicole Richie, but not good for everyone else.

Sure there’s light egg nog, but even that can make Ms. Richie look a little pudgy. So if she wants to keep her skeleton-like figure and enjoy the holidays with a little nog, she could always drink Silk Soy Nog.

The lactose-, dairy-, cholesterol-, gluten-, egg-, casein-, peanut-, and MSG-free Silk Soy Nog is good for the lactose-intolerant, vegans, PETA members, autistic people, and The Biggest Loser contestants. It also has no saturated fat and has 180 calories per one cup serving.

Being a regular Silk Soy Milk drinker (Very Vanilla and Chocolate flavors are the best…Double true!), I thought I would enjoy the Silk Soy Nog, much like I enjoy putting Canadian and Japanese coins into Salvation Army buckets, but at first, I didn’t like its taste, which kind of reminded me of the Silk Very Vanilla Soy Milk, except with a little spice and a little less nutty flavor. However, after drinking an entire quart-sized carton, the flavor began to grow on me.

So I guess it has an acquired taste, much like beer and emo rock.

The consistency of the Silk Soy Nog wasn’t thick like regular egg nog or light egg nog, but it was thicker than regular Silk Soy Milk. It also wasn’t as yellowish like regular egg nog. Instead it had a less festive grayish/yellowish color. Instead it had a light pastel yellow color.

(Editor’s Note: Maybe I should stop drinking this stuff straight from the carton. Anyway, after actually looking at it in a cup, it has a light pastel color. Sorry about that.)

If given the choice between regular egg nog and Silk Soy Nog, I would definitely choose the regular egg nog, because it’s more satisfying and much more flavorful. Although, because of its fat and cholesterol content, I wouldn’t be able to drink much of it, unless I enjoy the hardening of my arteries. The Silk Soy Nog was good, but I don’t think it’s something I would look forward to next holiday season.

But I do look forward to putting on my illuminating Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer underwear next Christmas.

(Sidenote: I once drank an entire quart-sized carton of regular egg nog in less than five minutes in high school. My digestive system was not happy about that and because of that experience, I DO NOT recommend drinking an entire quart-sized carton of regular egg nog in less than five minutes. Although, it would kind of make a neat YouTube video or TIB review.)

Item: Silk Soy Nog
Price: $3.99
Size: 1 quart
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: It tastes good, but may take getting used to. The word nog. No cholesterol. No saturated fat. Lactose-free. Putting Canadian and Japanese coins into Salvation Army buckets. Drinking egg nog.
Cons: If you don’t like soy milk, you’re not going to like this. Not having egg nog available all year long. Not as thick as regular egg nog. Drinking an entire carton of egg nog in less than five minutes.