REVIEW: Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant Slurpee

If I repeat over and over again the name of the latest Slurpee flavor, Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant, it feels like I’ve transported myself to Strawberryland, where freckled Strawberry Shortcake and her pet cat, Custard, reside. Because everyone in Strawberryland, except for The Peculiar Purple Pie Man, replaces EVERY reference to the word “very” with “berry.”

Thankfully, repeating the name doesn’t actually teleport me to Strawberryland because getting stuck there and hearing the word “berry” all of the time would get berry fucking annoying, berry fucking fast.

See, look how annoying that was.

Also, being in Strawberryland would cause whatever masculinity I have left to be drawn out of me. I don’t have much left because I’ve had most of my masculinity sucked out of me thanks to Sanrio stores and Coldplay albums.

Speaking of things sucking, I didn’t care too much for the Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant Slurpee. It has a disappointing mild sour and berry flavor. I also thought I could taste some pineapple in it. It has just as much sugar as other Slurpees, but it doesn’t taste crazy sweet like others.

I’ve never had black currant, so I can’t say if this Slurpee flavor comes close to tasting like it, but what I do know, from reading Wikipedia, is that black currant is an excellent source of vitamin C, but this product doesn’t have any.

I know. It’s not surprising it doesn’t have any vitamin C. After all, it’s a Slurpee and the only things Slurpees provide are a lot of high fructose corn syrup and something to shove down the front of my shorts on hot days.

Speaking of hot things, too bad I can’t hang out in Strawberryland for a little bit and meet Strawberry Shortcake. I would love to meet her and get to know her a lot better, because I have a thing for redheads and I might want to hear her say, “That feels berry, berry good.”

(NOTE: I just want to clarify I’m talking about 1980s Strawberry Shortcake, which would make her more than legal.)

(Nutrition Facts – 24 ounces – 189 calories, 0 grams of fat, 15 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 51 grams of sugar.)

Item: Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant Slurpee
Price: $1.59
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Great for hot weather days. Redheads. Not a source for anything wholesome.
Cons: Disappointing sour and berry flavor. High fructose corn syrup. High in sugar. Getting trapped in Strawberryland. Getting my masculinity drained out of me via Coldplay albums.

Cafe Latte Slurpuccino

Consider the Slurpuccino the closest thing Slurpologists at 7-Eleven could come up with that might be considered an adult Slurpee without adding alcohol. By its name you can figure out that this here Slurpee has a coffee flavor to it, much like the sweat that comes out of pores of Britney Spears’ cigarette and Starbucks-addicted body after jiggling her pudgy frame through a dance routine for “…Baby One More Time.”

I wish that 7-Eleven came up with this idea sooner, because I will admit, it seems a little weird for a 32-year-old quasi-product review blogger man to be walking out of a convenience store with a strawberry, banana, or Coke Slurpee in his hand. Sure it is even weirder because I suck on the straw a little too provocatively and because of that parents usually pull their children a little closer to them to protect them from the grown man who loves Slurpees — apparently a little too much. However, a coffee-flavored Slurpee would help with this awkwardness.

Unfortunately, the coffee flavor of the Slurpuccino was like Madonna’s British accent — it was extremely artificial. Just like actual coffee, there was a slight bitterness to it, but that bitterness was overcome by the excessive fake creme flavor. Sweet, sweet caffeine might’ve made up for its flavor, but I couldn’t find anything about caffeine content on the Slurpee website.

You would think that a national convenience store chain that serves millions of gallons of coffee every year to truck drivers, office workers, college students, and people who did not want to wait in line at Starbucks and will settle for something less could make a pretty good coffee Slurpee, but it seems those years of coffee experience were not used well or at all.

Fortunately, it is a limited edition Slurpee that will be available only throughout February and March. This timeframe makes it a great Valentine’s Day gift for the one you want to break up with. Just buy one right before the break up and stick on it a card that says, “This Slurpuccino was very artificial, just like your personality. This Slurpee will quickly melt away, just like my love for you has.”

Item: Cafe Latte Slurpuccino
Price: $1.49 (32-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: It is cold. Being a Slurpologist. Not having to wait in line at Starbucks. Adult Slurpees. Adult diapers.
Cons: Extremely artificial latte flavor. Horrible fake cream flavor. Headache from brain freeze. Headache from caffeine withdrawals. Great tool to use to break up with someone. Madonna’s British accent. Britney Spears’ coffee-smelling bodily fluids. Sucking on a straw in a provocative manner.

Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee

Like all drugs, caffeine has side effects.

For myself, the only side effects I get from caffeine are temporary high blood pressure, stomach aches, and the urge to run down the street yelling random things about indie bands like, “Listening to Belle & Sebastian does not make me a pussy!”

Caffeine’s side effects are much less harsh than other legal drugs. I don’t think you can get any of the following side effects from caffeine: 4-hour erections, mood swings, irregular periods, dry mouth, diarrhea, sleepiness, nausea, unnatural happiness, premature ejaculation, headaches, weight gain, weight loss, loss of libido, loss of hair, growth of hair in unusual places, erectile dysfunction, insomnia, loss of appetite, dry skin, shortness of breath, and laughing while watching According to Jim.

The majority of my caffeine intake comes in the form of energy drinks and the majority of my sugar intake comes in the form of Slurpees, so I was happy to hear about the new Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee, which takes two of my favorite things I like to stick in my mouth — energy drinks and Slurpees — and puts them together in a slushy form that looks refreshingly fun in the hands of a 12-year-old, but embarrassingly creepy and sad in the hands of a single 31-year-old male.

Of course, with it being a combination of energy drink and Slurpee, its main appeal are the energy ingredients found in it. As common as product shout outs in rap lyrics, the energy ingredients found in the Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee are the same ones in most energy drink, like caffeine, taurine, carnitine, ginseng, guarana, and sugar.

The 40-ounce cup I had contained 99 milligrams of caffeine, 19.7 milligrams of niacinamide, 1,659 milligrams of taurine, 40 milligrams of carnitine, 246 milligrams of ginseng extract, and 1.9 milligrams of guarana extract, which is roughly the same amounts as single servings of most energy drinks. It also contained 307 calories, 79 grams of carbs, and 79 grams of sugar.

Of course, the smaller the Slurpee cup you get, the less energy and chances of diabetes you’ll receive.

The Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee had a sweet citrus taste with a hint of tropical fruit flavor. It wasn’t the best tasting Slurpee I’ve had, but it’s one the best tasting energy products I’ve had.

Although, it was really disappointing that despite drinking all 40 ounces of the energy-infused Slurpee, it didn’t kick my ass into gear like most energy drinks and Taebo tapes do. I did feel a boost of energy, but nothing like the ones I get from drinking regular energy drinks.

This disappointed me because I really felt like running though my office yelling, “Listening to Dashboard Confessional does not make me bitter or sad!”

Item: Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee
Price: $1.49 (40 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Sweet citrus taste with a hint of tropical fruit flavor. One of the best tasting energy products I’ve had. Full of the same energy ingredients found in most energy drinks. Slight boost of energy. 4-hour erections at home.
Cons: Not enough energy to kick my ass into gear. Not the best Slurpee I’ve had. Only the 40-ounce cup has amounts of energy equal to most energy drinks. Lots of sugar. The caffeine side effect involving me yelling random things about indie bands like, “All Mates of State songs sound exactly like each other!” 4-hour erections at work.

Melon Green Tea Slurpee

We’ve all heard about the health benefits of green tea. It’s full of antioxidants that can help lower the risks of cancer and heart disease. Green tea advocates claim that it can help with many other things, like cognition, Alzheimers, arthritis, multiple sclerosis, weight loss, helping you look less fugly, and preventing you from catching anything if you’re around Paris Hilton.

Hmm…Now that I think about, that last one might explain something. If green tea can help with weight loss and be used as prevention from catching anything Paris Hilton is incubating in her, it totally explains what has happened to Nicole Richie.

Despite all the wonderful things green tea can help with, I don’t really think there are any benefit when drinking green tea in Slurpee form, like with the semi-new Melon Green Tea Slurpee.

It’s much like not being able to get potassium from a banana Slurpee or not getting shitfaced from a Pina Colada Slurpee. The only things you can probably get from Slurpees are cool refreshment on a hot day or diabetes — if you drink waaaay too many of them.

Unfortunately, the Melon Green Tea Slurpee might just be the last attempt to regain the spotlight from wildly popular pomegranate.

There was a time when green tea was just a hot beverage at a Japanese restaurant or something you’d find on the shelves at new age, hippie, unshaved armpit natural food stores, but its health benefits soon became known and within a few years it was everywhere like iPods, except significantly less profitable to mug people for.

Today, you can find green tea products in a variety of forms, like green tea chewing gum, green tea ice cream, green tea candy, green tea pills, green tea moisturizers, green tea pet food, green tea energy drinks, and Starbucks Green Tea Frappucinos.

But slowly and surely, pomegranate has been pulling out a number of products from its red, round, juicy ass, like all the popular POM Wonderful drinks and the Starbucks Pomegranate Frappucino.

However, if green tea expects to take back the health-crazed spotlight from pomegranate, the Melon Green Tea Slurpee isn’t the way to do it, unless green tea’s plan is to give pomegranate brain freeze.

The Melon Green Tea Slurpee has a light taste to it and the green tea flavor definitely overpowers the melon. Perhaps 7-Eleven should’ve switched the ingredients and named it the Green Tea Melon Slurpee or the Slurpee People Won’t Buy Ever Again.

The Melon Green Tea Slurpee also left me with a weird dry mouth feeling, like I had a mild case of cotton mouth. Speaking of cotton mouth, if I ever get the munchies, I’m pretty sure the Melon Green Tea Slurpee won’t be on my list of things to buy, along with the Pringles, ice cream sandwiches, beef jerky, peanuts, Twix bars, Cup o Noodles, Mexican food, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Funyuns, Lean Cuisine frozen dinners, Oreo cookies, pizza, Ritz crackers, Doritos, M&M’s, anything from McDonald’s, and Pop-Tarts.

Item: Melon Green Tea Slurpee
Price: $1.49 (40-ounce)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Cool refreshment on a hot summer day. Benefits of green tea. Benefits of pomegranate.
Cons: I don’t think there are health benefits from green tea in Slurpee form. Worst Slurpee EVER. Light flavor. Green tea flavor overpowers the melon. Left me with a weird dry mouth. Nicole Richie’s weight loss. Catching anything Paris Hilton has. Brain freeze.

Purple S’Creme Slurpee

Oh thank heaven for 7-Eleven Slurpees, which are not only cold and refreshing, they can also turn your tongue into colors that are usually only made possible through sexually transmitted diseases.

For example, the Coke and Pepsi Slurpees can turn your tongue brown or black like herpes. If you’ve ever had either a banana or pina colada Slurpee you know that it can turn your tongue yellow much like chancroid would if you went down on an Eastern Asian sex worker. The strawberry Slurpee can make a tongue red much like gonorrhea would do to some dude’s schlong.

My tongue right now is purple, but it’s not due to syphilis from a three dollar hooker or pubic lice bites from a 50 cent dollar hooker, it’s from the somewhat new Purple S’Creme Slurpee.

The most interesting thing about the Purple S’Creme Slurpee is that it’s much like a transvestite prostitute, its outside appearance is deceiving.

By just looking at the picture above you’d expect it to have some kind of purple-ish flavor, like grape, plum, sweet potato, eggplant, or Barney. However, just like undressing a transvestite prostitute, taking a sip of the Purple S’Creme Slurpee will bring you a surprise.

Although it’s an unpleasant surprise when taking off the clothes of a transvestite prostitute and a positive surprise when tasting the Purple S’Creme Slurpee.

Under that purple icy exterior was a great vanilla flavor, which reminded me of the blue vanilla Slurpees the 7-Eleven down the street from me once served. Oh, those were wonderful delicious memories. Much better memories than the particular memory I have of the time I spent with a particular tall woman with really long fingers, a deep voice, and legs hairier than mine.

It didn’t taste like there was a hint of any other flavor in the Purple S’Creme Slurpee. It was just delicious vanilla that I could enjoy without the need for condoms or dental dams, like I would need if I went on a Southeast Asian sex trip.

Although I will have to admit, just like if I had gonorrhea, the Purple S’Creme Slurpee caused me pain and discomfort, but that was due to the Brain Freeze I got from sucking down the Slurpee too fast and not because of a night spent with a 47-year-old, three-kid, five-tattoo stripper named Big Momma.

Unfortunately, the Purple S’Creme Slurpee is caffeine free, which is good for tired moms with hyperactive children, but not good for hardcore gamers, caffeine-addicted office workers, or prostitutes that need a pick-me-up after being picked up.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to my boss for recommending the Purple S’Creme Slurpee. Also, thanks to my boss for hiring me.)

Item: Purple S’Creme Slurpee
Price: $1.39 (28-ounce)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good vanilla flavor. Cold and refreshing. Perfect on a hot, burning day. Possibly perfect on a hot, burning schlong. Condoms. Dental dams. Colorful tongues from Slurpees.
Cons: Caffeine free. Purple color is deceiving, like a transvestite prostitute. Pubic lice. Brain Freeze. Colorful tongues from sexually transmitted diseases.