Purple S’Creme Slurpee

Oh thank heaven for 7-Eleven Slurpees, which are not only cold and refreshing, they can also turn your tongue into colors that are usually only made possible through sexually transmitted diseases.

For example, the Coke and Pepsi Slurpees can turn your tongue brown or black like herpes. If you’ve ever had either a banana or pina colada Slurpee you know that it can turn your tongue yellow much like chancroid would if you went down on an Eastern Asian sex worker. The strawberry Slurpee can make a tongue red much like gonorrhea would do to some dude’s schlong.

My tongue right now is purple, but it’s not due to syphilis from a three dollar hooker or pubic lice bites from a 50 cent dollar hooker, it’s from the somewhat new Purple S’Creme Slurpee.

The most interesting thing about the Purple S’Creme Slurpee is that it’s much like a transvestite prostitute, its outside appearance is deceiving.

By just looking at the picture above you’d expect it to have some kind of purple-ish flavor, like grape, plum, sweet potato, eggplant, or Barney. However, just like undressing a transvestite prostitute, taking a sip of the Purple S’Creme Slurpee will bring you a surprise.

Although it’s an unpleasant surprise when taking off the clothes of a transvestite prostitute and a positive surprise when tasting the Purple S’Creme Slurpee.

Under that purple icy exterior was a great vanilla flavor, which reminded me of the blue vanilla Slurpees the 7-Eleven down the street from me once served. Oh, those were wonderful delicious memories. Much better memories than the particular memory I have of the time I spent with a particular tall woman with really long fingers, a deep voice, and legs hairier than mine.

It didn’t taste like there was a hint of any other flavor in the Purple S’Creme Slurpee. It was just delicious vanilla that I could enjoy without the need for condoms or dental dams, like I would need if I went on a Southeast Asian sex trip.

Although I will have to admit, just like if I had gonorrhea, the Purple S’Creme Slurpee caused me pain and discomfort, but that was due to the Brain Freeze I got from sucking down the Slurpee too fast and not because of a night spent with a 47-year-old, three-kid, five-tattoo stripper named Big Momma.

Unfortunately, the Purple S’Creme Slurpee is caffeine free, which is good for tired moms with hyperactive children, but not good for hardcore gamers, caffeine-addicted office workers, or prostitutes that need a pick-me-up after being picked up.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to my boss for recommending the Purple S’Creme Slurpee. Also, thanks to my boss for hiring me.)

Item: Purple S’Creme Slurpee
Price: $1.39 (28-ounce)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good vanilla flavor. Cold and refreshing. Perfect on a hot, burning day. Possibly perfect on a hot, burning schlong. Condoms. Dental dams. Colorful tongues from Slurpees.
Cons: Caffeine free. Purple color is deceiving, like a transvestite prostitute. Pubic lice. Brain Freeze. Colorful tongues from sexually transmitted diseases.

32 thoughts to “Purple S’Creme Slurpee”

  1. Did you know you are allowed to mix and match the Slurpee flavors? Get a nice layer of cherry on the bottom, some Coca-Cola above that, Pineapple above that, top it off with the Purple S’Creme. Now it’s like a transvestite at Carnivale!

  2. Too bad there is no 7-11 around here. We have slurpees that are exactly like the real Slurpees at 7-11, but only raspberry, cherry, pepsi, and mountain dew. Flavours never change.

    This actually sounds like a new flavour I would actually buy.

  3. Oh, that sounds so good and PURPLE!!! I need to try one. I’m going to 711 as soon as I drive over where there are any. Why aren’t there any 711s in my town? Anyway, love the review and the sexually transmitted disease versus Slurpee theme, very creative. Why do your reviews always make me feel sort of hot and bothered, though?

  4. Purple is always a cool color whether for a flavor, or an evening ensemble, or a “gangsta” style suit. And adding a purple fedora to your pimp outfit will be sure to make you a hit with the ladies.

    Unfortunately, I’m not much of a Slurpee (TM) fan, so I have no opinions on those flavors. But I did always think the Big Gulp (TM) was a brilliant marketing idea, even if it helped make Americans get that much fatter.

  5. When I think of “purple”, of course I naturally think, “vanilla!” Who wouldn’t?

    So, a vanilla Slurpee…would this translate into, say, kinda-sorta-but-not-quite-exactly like the blended vanilla creme drink one would get at Starbucks? But with a lot of dye thrown in?

  6. It’s disturbing that you know so much about which STDs are related to certain colors on your tongue *shudder*

  7. pubic lice bites?! You don’t get to hear that everyday!

    The slurpee looks really cold and tasty and you took an awesome picture that looks 50 times colder and more refreshing than 7-11’s slurpee pic.

  8. hey hey hey hey hey!!! i saw at circle k the other day that there is a new orange cream flavor icee!!! have you tried it yet?? i was going to get one but it was empty 🙁
    no slurpees here. damn.

  9. Wow, speak of the devil. I just got a Slurpee today, but not this kind. I saw it, and I was thinking “ew”. I’m not a big vanilla fan. I’m a cherry girl. Besides the color -vs- the actual taste kinda turns me off.

  10. Some of your best work to date, babes. Analogies just every which way, and all accurate. Admit it, you really are worldly-wise in the matters of whoredom and the diseases that come from such sagaciousness.

    And I have to get me one of these things. Yowza!

  11. How come they never taught me this stuff in sex ed class? It definitely would have scared me to know people could tell I was diseased just by looking at my tongue. Now I’m glad I don’t drink Slurpees, but am considering giving up my Popsicle habit.

  12. No 7-11 stores around here. Being a caffeine-addicted office worker, I love Mountain Dew icees. I don’t know if they actually have caffeine or not, but they taste like they do. Yum!

  13. Oh lord, you’re kidding, right? This is one review where I absolutely have to disagree with you. That vanilla flavor is the WORST vanilla I have ever tasted. The purple is weird, sure, but the flavor was just bad.

  14. I love this Slurpee flavor! It seems like it’s only around for a limited time though. I wish they would keep it as a regular like Coca-Cola.

  15. I must just be me. I love Hooker analogies. Can’t get enough Hooker analogies. Bring on the hooker analogies. I guess if were thinking hookers then 7-11 must the PIMP in this story. I then must be considered a John. Damn I hope there aren’t any cops around when I get my Slurpee. I’d get caught red-handed or Purple-tongued in the case.

  16. Deandre – Tastes awesome.

    klew – Oooh, a transvestite clown!!! Wait, why am I excited about that?

    Muneer – Raspberry sounds like a horrible flavor, but MD sounds good.

    Melanie – I thought my reviews make people laugh, cry, or get sick. Eh, I’ll take hot and bothered.

    Chuck – Oooh, purple pinstripe pimp suit. Yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ about.

    Barb – It may not have caffeine, but it still can be fun with plastic sheets and a significant other.

    Mellie Helen – I believe the purple is all natural. 😉

    Toni – It’s how I learned the primary colors as a child.

    skibs – You don’t hear pubic lice bites everyday, but I believe that’s not the case if you have pubic lice bites.

  17. laina – Wow, I didn’t know there were Icee flavors beyond strawberry and Coke. Wow, I didn’t know there are Circle K’s on this island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I learned a lot today. 🙂

    Brie – I’m a cherry kind of guy. Wait, that sounds kind of perverted. I must fix that…I’m a Rainier cherry kind of guy. Ahh, less perverted.

    Domokun – If I were “worldly-wise in the matters of whoredom and the diseases that come from such sagaciousness” I think it would totally explain why I’m single.

    Wednesday – Sometimes to learn things in life you have to experience them the hard way.

    AmberLB – If you believe there’s caffeine, there will be caffeine. It works much like how I believe the girl of my dreams will fall into my lap or a pot of gold.

    Meredith – You may not like the vanilla flavor, but you have to admit it’s better than Vanilla Ice.

    FatYoli – Hmm…It is her birthday…and 24 more days until her talk show begins. Must make an offering to the shrine.

    Jen – I wish they would keep it too, because I miss the blue vanilla Slurpee. My 7-11 has ten Slurpee dispensers and I’m sure they could get rid of Pina Colada.

    Griffin – Slurpees are usually much cheaper than hookers…except the 50 cent ones.

    K – Hey, we have a lot of bargains here. I can’t think of any off of the top of my head, but there are. I’ll get back to you in like a year or so. 🙂

  18. I had one of these as my freebie 7-11 birthday promotion thing, and I really liked it, even though I don’t usually like slurpees. Usually I’m only a fan of blue foods, but I suppose in the absense of blue, purple is okay too.

  19. DUDE! We have…coke, strawberry, dr pepper, mountain dew, blue raspberry, white cherry, peach and this new orange one which i tried and it TASTED LIKE ASS. It was so freakin nasty. Had a disgusting after taste. PEACE!

  20. g – Well red and blue make purple. Isn’t that close enough?

    laina – You have Dr. Pepper! Damn. Someone needs to make a Dr. Pepper Slurpee. I would pay good money for that.

  21. No 40 oz? im ashamed. Down at home (Nova Scotia) we dont have 7-11s I draqnk like 2 and they were the best thing

  22. Rylan – I thought about the 40-ounce, but then looked at my gut and thought otherwise.

    laina – Colombian cocaine money is bad. Dollar bills that really wealthy people use to wipe their asses with is bad money.

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