Tag: Crackers

REVIEW: Brown Sugar Cinnamon Ritz

Marvo 17 Comments

For some reason, Nabisco knows how to push my fun buttons, and they’re doing it again with their new Brown Sugar Cinnamon Ritz.

I don’t know if they realize it, but if they push them too much, I may just cream all over myself, which now that I think about it, wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing because at least I’ll have something to spread on top of this new Ritz cracker.

This latest variation, along with their new Honey Butter, breaks the streak of savory Ritz Crackers and makes them a little sweet. Just like flavored Pringles and old school postage stamps, the flavor is only on one side, which, in the case of the Ritz Crackers, is on top. So if you’re going to enjoy these sans toppings, I recommend eating them with the top side facing towards your tongue.

They have taste that’s almost like graham crackers, which made them kind of addictive. Despite the noticeable crystals of brown sugar and cinnamon on it, the flavor was a bit light and disappeared quickly in my mouth, which encouraged me to add a little pizzazz to the cracker.

If you decide to go all Rachael Ray on your Brown Sugar Cinnamon Ritz Crackers, might I suggest topping it with some vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup or using each cracker to scoop out Cool Whip straight from the container and into your mouth, instead of using a spoon, your hands or Teddy Grahams you’re trying to drown.

YUM-O!

Although if you’re going to be shoveling Cool Whip into your mouth with them, might I suggest letting the Cool Whip soften because these are as flaky as all the other Ritz Crackers and AT&T’s cell network in big cities. I also crushed a few crackers over some vanilla ice cream and thought they were a nice addition. So if you live near a self-serve fro-yo place, which you probably do if you live in a big metropolitan city with a flaky AT&T cell network, it would make a nice topping that you don’t need to pay for, just like the cream when I cream all over myself.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 crackers – 80 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 15 milligrams of potassium, 11 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 2% calcium and 2% iron.)

Item: Brown Sugar Cinnamon Ritz
Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Size: 1 pound
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes somewhat like graham crackers. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fat. Makes a nice ice cream or fro-yo topping. Getting my fun buttons pushed.
Cons: Light flavor, which disappears quickly. As flaky as regular Ritz Crackers. AT&T’s cell network in large cities. Shoveling Cool Whip into your mouth with your hands. Cleaning up after I cream all over myself.

REVIEW: Ritz Crackerfuls (Classic Cheddar and Four Cheese)

Marvo 21 Comments

With a name like Ritz, shouldn’t Ritz Crackers be fancier than they truly are?

Maybe they’re extremely high-class, but I have yet to see a monocle or top hat-wearing old man eating them and getting crumbs stuck in his white beard while discussing the African safari he went on to hunt the ultimate game — humans. Although I have to admit I’ve never been invited to galas that have The Most Interesting Man in the World who only drinks Dos Equis on the guest list or parties that don’t use red plastic cups to hold beverages.

If Ritz Crackers are fancy, Nabisco is attempting to make them a little more ritzier with their Ritz Crackerfuls, which come in two flavors: Four Cheese and Classic Cheddar. They’re basically elegant Ritz Cracker sandwiches with classy canned spray cheese in the middle. According to its box, each individually wrapped cracker sandwich is made with real cheese and five grams of whole grain.

The Ritz Crackers that Chinese fingercuff the cheese filling had that familiar buttery Ritz taste. The Four Cheese one had the sharper flavor of the two and on my ritzy scale of 1-10, with 10 being fine diamonds and 1 being shards of a broken glass window, the Four Cheese Crackerfuls was probably a 5 rating or a plastic silver ring with a clear plastic gem won from accumulating 25 prize tickets at an arcade. As for the Classic Cheddar, it tasted like a Kraft Handi-Snack and on my ritzy scale it was a 4 rating or a plastic neon colored ring with a clear plastic gem that comes delivered in a plastic egg from a 25 cent machine outside of a grocery store.

While I felt both weren’t very fancy, I also thought they weren’t bad. The combination of the buttery Ritz crackers and the soft cheese paste was pleasant, but I think one would get more flavor by purchasing some fancy cheese that doesn’t come in individually wrapped slices and putting it on top of a Ritz cracker. Although I believe that would degrade the cheese.

Something I really didn’t enjoy about the Crackerfuls was the long Ritz Cracker, which was extremely fragile. Because they were even more delicate than normal round Ritz Crackers, I was forced to use a plate since I lack the white beard to catch the crumbs.

Another thing I didn’t like about the Ritz Crackerfuls was its name. Now I don’t have an English degree…

Oh wait. I do.

So it’s all right for me to say I found its name to be confusing because it’s not filled with crackers, it’s filled with cheese. So shouldn’t it be named Cheesefuls?

Now if two layers of cheese were Chinese fingercuffing a Ritz Cracker then it would be Crackerfuls. But it still wouldn’t be very fancy.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – Classic Cheddar – 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 230 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 4% iron. Four Cheese – 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 220 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 4% iron.)

Item: Ritz Crackerfuls (Classic Cheddar and Four Cheese)
Price: $3.18 each
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Classic Cheddar)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Four Cheese)
Pros: Pleasant tasting. Buttery Ritz Crackers. Four Cheese flavor had a nice sharp flavor. Simply Cheddar tasted like a Kraft Handi-Snack, which I do enjoy. Contains mono- and poly unsaturated fats. Hunting humans.
Cons: Cheese looked like something that came out of a can. Long Ritz Crackers were extremely fragile. Crumbs. Would be tastier to buy Ritz Crackers and put your own cheese on it. Not very ritzy. Name doesn’t seem right. Being hunted by humans.

REVIEW: Nabisco Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers

Marvo 19 Comments

Wheat Thins Artisan

If you don’t want friends, co-workers bothering you or don’t want to lose your virginity, I believe one of the easiest ways to make either of those things happen is to eat the Nabisco Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers. They come in two flavors — Wisconsin Colby and Vermont White Cheddar — but it really doesn’t matter which one you choose because they both will make your mouth a noxious hole that some dentists wouldn’t even dare to explore.

I’m no sophisticated, snobby cheese connoisseur, so I can’t claim I’ve tried either the Wisconsin Colby or Vermont White Cheddar in their curdled block form and I also don’t know if these cheeses are as pungent as these crackers. All I really know about them is what’s printed on their respective boxes, which say Wisconsin Colby cheese is, “…known for its mild, gentle flavor and smooth texture,” and Vermont White Cheddar cheese is, “…famous for its high quality, creamy texture and just a hint of sharpness.”

Just to let you know, about 45 percent of my cheese consumption comes in the form of individually wrapped slices of processed cheese, 15 percent comes from Mexican/Taco Bell food, 10 percent comes from pizza, another 10 percent comes from other fast food, 5 percent comes from Cheez-Its, another 5 percent comes from Doritos, another 5 percent comes from Cheetos, and the last 5 percent of my cheese consumption comes from accidently drinking milk that expired three months earlier.

The Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers don’t come in the same square shape as all the other Wheat Thins. Instead these cheesy crackers come in a shape familiar to beekeepers and those who play the board game The Settlers of Catan — a hexagon.

Both flavors were covered in a cheesy powder, which ended up on my fingers. I thought the flavors of both were weird when I first tried them, I guess because I thought they were a little strong, but a few crackers later I found myself enjoying them. The cheesy flavors were different than what I’m used to with the radioactive orange cheese snacks I usually consume, but these crackers were just as crunchy as my normal cheesy snacks. The Vermont White Cheddar had the stronger cheesy flavor and it was my favorite between the two. The Wisconsin Colby was tasty too, but I felt like it made my mouth stinkier.

The Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers seem to be marketed as fancier than their regular square counterparts, which makes me question my belief that putting slices of American cheese on top of regular Wheat Thins and sticking them in the microwave for 20 seconds is fancy. If cheesy crackers that make your breath smell like you made out with a mousetrap is considered snazzy, then I’m going to need some strong minty chewing gum.

(Nutrition Facts – 14 crackers – 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 or 230 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 21 or 22 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: Nabisco Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers
Price: $3.00
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. No trans fat or high fructose corn syrup. Provides 5 grams of whole grain. Minty chewing gum. Putting American cheese on regular Wheat Thins and sticking them in the microwave for 20 seconds.
Cons: Cheesy flavor may taste weird at first. Some people may not care for the cheesy flavors. Cheesy powder will end up fingers. Will make your breath smell. Drinking expired milk. My cheese consumption. Making out with a mousetrap.

REVIEW: Nabisco Lightly Cinnamon Wheat Thins

Marvo 16 Comments

If you’re under the age of five, you probably won’t remember a time when Wheat Thins came in only two versions: original and low sodium. Since then, Nabisco has been pumping out new Wheat Thins flavors at a pace equal to the rate Michelle Duggar pumps out new babies from her bountiful womb. One of the latest additions to the Nabisco snack family is the Lightly Cinnamon Wheat Thins.

Cinnamon seems like a logical sweet flavor for Wheat Thins to dip their whole grain toes in because, honestly, I don’t think the world is ready for the greatness that could be found in Frosted Wheat Thins, Chocolate Wheat Thins or Frosted Chocolate Wheat Thins. Personally, I know I wouldn’t be able to handle that greatness, and if they ever did make any of those I would eat so much of it that they could no longer call it “Wheat Thins,” since it would cause me to become the opposite of thin.

Lightly Cinnamon Wheat Thins come close to that greatness because they are quite delicious, but I don’t have the urge to buy out the supply in every single store within a 20 mile radius, like I probably would with Frosted Chocolate Wheat Thins. At first, I thought the cinnamon flavor was a little too light, but then remembered the name of the product and kept chomping along. Complaining about the light cinnamon flavor is hard when on the front of the box it says in nice big letters, “Lightly Cinnamon.” It’s like getting angry at Fatburger for making me fat through the consumption of burgers.

The more I ate the Lightly Cinnamon Wheat Thins, the more I thought it had the right amount of cinnamon flavor. There was just enough cinnamon to make you forget you’re eating Wheat Thins and getting five grams of whole grains, but not so much that you might think you’re snorting lines of cinnamon off of a hooker’s ass.

I have to say that this is one of my favorite Wheat Thins flavors, and much like I look forward to finding out how many more children Michelle Duggar can squirt out before menopause hits, I look forward to finding out how many more sweet Wheat Thins flavors Nabisco will pump out.

(Nutrition Facts – 15 crackers – 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 50 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 0% Vitamin A, 2% Calcium, 0% Vitamin C, and 6% Iron.)

Item: Nabisco Lightly Cinnamon Wheat Thins
Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 9.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Delicious. Right amount of cinnamon. First sweet Wheat Thins. One of my favorite Wheat Thins flavors. 5 grams of whole grain per serving. Frosted Wheat Thins, Chocolate Wheat Thins or Frosted Chocolate Wheat Thins.
Cons: Contains HFCS. Getting fat by eating Fatburgers. Watching the TV Show 17 Kids and Counting (It’s not as entertaining as Jon & Kate Plus 8). Getting fat whenever Nabisco makes Frosted Wheat Thins, Chocolate Wheat Thins or Frosted Chocolate Wheat Thins.

Kraft Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese Crackers

Marvo 11 Comments

Somewhere on this vast planet we call Earth, there is a lazy macaroni and cheese lover who is thinking they can now have the goodness of their favorite food without the damn preparation with these new Kraft Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese Crackers. I applaud that person for their desire to be the laziest fucker on the planet, a title I twice attempted to achieve when I was too lazy pick up the remote control which was at my feet and tried to change channel with my toes and when I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom and peed in a large tumbler I was drinking from that was half full with apple juice.

The Kraft Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese Crackers are like Goldfish, except without the cuteness, like Cheese Nips, expect without the unintentional derogatory language, and like Cheez-It crackers, except without the poor second grade level spelling error. Unfortunately for the lazy bastard who loves Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, these crackers didn’t really taste like their favorite comfort food, instead they tasted just like Cheez-It crackers. However, if you love the taste of Cheez-It crackers, but are a grammar Nazi or annoyed with the hole in the middle of each Cheez-It, these elbow macaroni shaped cheese crackers might just be for you.

Despite having the iconic “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese” name supporting it, ampersand included, I wasn’t too impressed with the Kraft Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese Crackers because they tasted like other cheese flavored crackers. They were good and I had fun sucking the orange powder from my fingers, but they just don’t represent good old Kraft Mac & Cheese very well. They were crunchy, although not as crunchy as uncooked elbow macaroni. Just like my ego and Whitney Houston’s crackhead teeth, each hollow cracker was quite brittle and perhaps that was the reason why there were a lot of broken pieces in the box I purchased.

Now that there are Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Crackers, I’m hoping for either Kraft Cheese Whiz Crackers or Velveeta Crackers, just so that all processed cheese products can have their own crunchy cracker to call their own.

(Nutrition Facts – 40 pieces – 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 280 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 grams of fiber, 1 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 4% calcium, 6% iron, and 5 orange tipped fingers.)

Item: Kraft Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese Crackers
Price: $3.00
Size:: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good. Crunchy. Made with real cheddar cheese. Sucking my fingers. Cheez-It necklace. Real mac and cheese with mushrooms and ham.
Cons: Uninspired taste. Hollow and brittle. Tastes like Cheez-It crackers. Not as cute as Goldfish. Cheddar cheese in powder form. Grammar Nazi. Being the laziest fucker on the planet.