REVIEW: Nabisco Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers

Wheat Thins Artisan

If you don’t want friends, co-workers bothering you or don’t want to lose your virginity, I believe one of the easiest ways to make either of those things happen is to eat the Nabisco Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers. They come in two flavors — Wisconsin Colby and Vermont White Cheddar — but it really doesn’t matter which one you choose because they both will make your mouth a noxious hole that some dentists wouldn’t even dare to explore.

I’m no sophisticated, snobby cheese connoisseur, so I can’t claim I’ve tried either the Wisconsin Colby or Vermont White Cheddar in their curdled block form and I also don’t know if these cheeses are as pungent as these crackers. All I really know about them is what’s printed on their respective boxes, which say Wisconsin Colby cheese is, “…known for its mild, gentle flavor and smooth texture,” and Vermont White Cheddar cheese is, “…famous for its high quality, creamy texture and just a hint of sharpness.”

Just to let you know, about 45 percent of my cheese consumption comes in the form of individually wrapped slices of processed cheese, 15 percent comes from Mexican/Taco Bell food, 10 percent comes from pizza, another 10 percent comes from other fast food, 5 percent comes from Cheez-Its, another 5 percent comes from Doritos, another 5 percent comes from Cheetos, and the last 5 percent of my cheese consumption comes from accidently drinking milk that expired three months earlier.

The Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers don’t come in the same square shape as all the other Wheat Thins. Instead these cheesy crackers come in a shape familiar to beekeepers and those who play the board game The Settlers of Catan — a hexagon.

Both flavors were covered in a cheesy powder, which ended up on my fingers. I thought the flavors of both were weird when I first tried them, I guess because I thought they were a little strong, but a few crackers later I found myself enjoying them. The cheesy flavors were different than what I’m used to with the radioactive orange cheese snacks I usually consume, but these crackers were just as crunchy as my normal cheesy snacks. The Vermont White Cheddar had the stronger cheesy flavor and it was my favorite between the two. The Wisconsin Colby was tasty too, but I felt like it made my mouth stinkier.

The Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers seem to be marketed as fancier than their regular square counterparts, which makes me question my belief that putting slices of American cheese on top of regular Wheat Thins and sticking them in the microwave for 20 seconds is fancy. If cheesy crackers that make your breath smell like you made out with a mousetrap is considered snazzy, then I’m going to need some strong minty chewing gum.

(Nutrition Facts – 14 crackers – 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 or 230 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 21 or 22 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: Nabisco Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers
Price: $3.00
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. No trans fat or high fructose corn syrup. Provides 5 grams of whole grain. Minty chewing gum. Putting American cheese on regular Wheat Thins and sticking them in the microwave for 20 seconds.
Cons: Cheesy flavor may taste weird at first. Some people may not care for the cheesy flavors. Cheesy powder will end up fingers. Will make your breath smell. Drinking expired milk. My cheese consumption. Making out with a mousetrap.

19 thoughts to “REVIEW: Nabisco Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers”

  1. I think I’ll just stick to putting cheese on top of crackers, personally. I don’t usually buy wheat thins but they work in a pinch for that purpose.

  2. @Chuck: Wheat Thins used to be my replacement for potato chips, but then I realized that I only live once.

  3. I’m probably the precise type of sucker that they’re hoping to lure with these types of things – the whole grain thing gets women all the time. Some of us think that it mitigates the calories if we enjoy it less.

  4. I might have to give these a shot. Similar to you Marvo, 99 percent of my cheese intake comes in goo form from a pressurized can.

  5. Since they have Vermont and Wisconsin cheese flavors, they should create a cheese flavor for your rock in the middle of the Pacific. I’m sure you will tell me what that should be…

  6. Hmmm at least they chose two descent cheese flavors, but I don’t like that powdery cheese residue that stuff like this leaves on your fingertips, yes, I know I could just wash my hands but then again I don’t necessarily think I should have to.. hangs his head and walks off in a depressed Charlie Brown fashion…

  7. I’m with Chuck on this. I’ll stick with buying plain Wheat Thins and put fresh slices of my choice of cheese on it, like say Brie. When cheese is dehydrated and dusted on snack chips, it just seems so unhealthy, as it usually is loaded with salt and other chemicals I can’t even spell. When you can’t properly spell a food ingredient, you probably shouldn’t be eating it.

    I do like the hexagon shape of these, though. Looks a little “fancier” than plain ‘ole squares.

    Bryan, take any cheese and smoke it with mesquite, then call it say, “Kiawe-Smoked Cheddar”. There ya’ go, fits right in with our little rock in the middle of the pacific!

  8. When I’m done eating Cheetos, I call my fingers, chingers, which sounds like an ethnic slur, but I’m pretty sure it’s not.

    For my money, Smartfoods, calorific popcorn is the way to go. Cheese + a whole grain that makes you think that the snack size bag doesn’t really have the 350 calories it says it has. Mmmm, powdered cheese.

  9. I’m all for eating cheese but I’d rather get a good quality block of cheese and enjoy it with plain old crakers myself…

  10. The Vermont White Cheddar are pretty tasty, but the only draw back is powdered cheese all over my shirt and it didn’t seem to brush off fairly easy. Yeah I was reclining back and putting a few on my shirt and eating them….

  11. @Orchid64: Whole grains get me too, so does that make me a woman?

    @Eric: That used to be 5 percent, but I had to cut back. Canned cheese couldn’t be good for me.

    @Bryan: I’m sure the cheese will involve the milk from our transvestite prostitutes.

    @Villain was born like this…: I’m disappointed that there wasn’t an aged Velveeta flavor.

    @JamieSusan: Or getting kicked in the balls.

    @Pomai: Mmm…salt. Your cheese suggestion sounds pretty good. I suggest you make it for a future blog post so that I can lick my monitor from looking at the pictures.

    @Marie: I think I’m going to start calling all my fellow Asians chingers, then it will become an ethnic slur. Thanks for the suggestion. 🙂

    @Woodenhand: I’m too lazy to cut the cheese. Plus, I’m extremely dangerous with knives.

    @yr momz: On occasion I also eat some fruits and vegetables.

    @paul bauer: Kettle Chips has a beer and cheddar potato chips that I thought was pretty good, but I don’t see it anymore.

    @theskinnyplate: You’re welcome.

    @JW: Bellies are perfect to eat from when reclined.

  12. 04/06/09 Yuck! Yuck! Yuck-O!!!! These are gross. I love cheese and I can’t stand to eat these things. The flavor is strong yet slightly sweet. It’s horrible. I’m taking them back to WalMart for a refund! Don’t buy them! A waste of money in hard ecomonic times – trust me – stick to what you know you’ll eat!

  13. I bought these today. They are awful. I gave them to my co workers thinking they might like them. NOBODY did. What a waste of a normally good cracker.
    We ended up throwing them out with nearly a full box. would like my money back. But I know thats a joke. Tess Kerrville Texas

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