I. Hate. You. Limited Edition Even Thinner Wheat Thins.

While I’ve made the New Year’s resolution to lose weight for the umpteenth year, and will fail to stick to that resolution for the umpteenth year, you’re skinnier than the ALREADY SKINNY Wheat Thins. Yeah, I’m jealous…and jiggling a little as I stomp in anger, because again I never follow through with my annual New Year’s resolution.

I’m not bitter, but this new snack sounds like someone lost a bet. It’s as if two Nabisco executives were playing Wheat Thins football and one says to the other, “If I make this from across the boardroom, I can make whatever product I want no matter how cockamamy it is.” Then the other one said, “Deal.” And so here we are with thinner Wheat Thins.

So how much slimmer are these?

Since I don’t have an iPhone app that can measure them for me, I had to find an ancient instrument called a ruler. Regular Wheat Thins looked to be three millimeters, while these new ones appeared to be one-third skinnier. Suck it, iPhone! No, really. Suck it in if you want to be as skinny as these crackers.

A serving size of the thin version and thinner version have the same amount of calories, fat, carbs, fiber, sugar, and protein, so binge eating either box while binge watching Jessica Jones on Netflix, binge sitting on my couch, and binge putting up my legs on an ottoman will have the same nutritional result. Although the svelte ones do have 30 milligrams less sodium.

Chain eating both varieties to figure out any difference in flavor made me blow past any serving sizes. You’d think if this newer variety was made out of the exact same ingredients as regular Wheat Thins, they would taste exactly like regular Wheat Thins. But, surprisingly, that’s not the case.

The nuttiness in the now chubby regular Wheat Thins is a bit more noticeable than in these slender ones. Although Nabisco isn’t promoting these as “diet,” their slightly lighter flavor is diet-like. But with that said, I think folks would only notice the difference if they were eating the two varieties one after another.

The cracker’s thinness did cause an issue with me. While stuffing my Wheat Thins hole with these skinnier crackers, I somehow sort of stabbed my upper palate…twice. No blood, but it did hurt a little. That thinness also makes these more crispy than crunchy, which is kind of nice because eating a lot of regular Wheat Thins tends to give my jaw a workout.

Now with all of that said, I don’t really hate these, but I think they’re silly. Tasty, but silly. Making Wheat Thins slimmer didn’t make them better, more snackable, or more appealing. It seems like Nabisco is trying to capitalize on the success of Oreo Thins by trying to figure out what other flagship brands they can turn thin. So I guess we’ll be seeing Chip Ahoy Thins soon.

(Nutrition Facts – 22 pieces – 140 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 90 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Limited Edition Even Thinner Wheat Thins
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 8.5 oz. box
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. I don’t hate them. More crispy than crunchy so it doesn’t give my jaw a workout. Binge watching Netflix.
Cons: Silly idea. Slimmer doesn’t equal to them being better, more stackable, or more appealing. Stabbing my upper palate with them. Makes me feel bad about breaking my New Year’s resolution already.

I rarely dip my crunchy snacks because I believe dips are just speed bumps on the road to gluttony.

But if you’re reading this review in the middle of the grocery store deciding on whether or not you should buy a bag of Wheat Thins Original Toasted Pita, let me give you words of advice before you make up your mind — make sure you have something to dip them into. I don’t care what it is. Hummus. Salsa. Chocolate sauce. Cheese sauce. Peanut butter. Guacamole. Spinach artichoke dip. Baby food. Anything.

Original Wheat Thins are so great because they can be enjoyed naked. They have a salty, nutty flavor that stands out on its own. Even Stacy’s Simply Naked Pita Chips taste great by themselves. But these pita crackers need something, so much so that, after opening the bag and trying a few, I felt compelled to drive back to the store to buy some kind of dip. I ended up buying hummus.

To be fair, the back of the bag screams that they need to be dipped. But Wheat Thins’ cousin, Triscuit, screams about how they should be topped, although not as loud as these pita crackers, but without toppings they still have a strong munchability. I can’t say the same about Wheat Thins Original Toasted Pita. They have a saltine cracker-level of boringness, and kind of taste like them.

Fortunately, these oven baked pita crackers do go well with hummus (and peanut butter), and their thickness does extremely well with thick dips. They have a nice crunch, but not as hearty as Stacy’s Pita Chips. Also, I think they would be a great replacement for saltine crackers when eating soup.

Wheat Thins Garlic Herb Toasted Pita Crackers are a bit more munchable than Original version. Actually, they’re, if you’ll excuse my poor attempt to be clever, Pitastic.

They smell and kind of taste like a white pizza, which isn’t surprising since each cracker has a light sprinkling of garlic, herb, and cheese seasoning. They don’t have an overpowering flavor, but I found myself mindlessly snacking on them. Like the Original version, the packaging screams that they should be dipped, but they’re fine with or without.

Speaking of dip, the Wheat Thins Garlic Herb Toasted Pita Crackers have enough flavor that I want to crush them into crumbs, add some water, and create a slurry that I can use as a dip to help the Wheat Thins Original Toasted Pita Crackers taste better.

(Nutrition Facts – Original – 15 crackers – 140 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 65 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein. Garlic Herb – 14 crackers – 140 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 70 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: Wheat Thins Toasted Pita Crackers (Original and Garlic Herb)
Purchased Price: $3.50 each
Size: 8 oz. bag
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Original)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Garlic Herb)
Pros: Garlic Herb smells and tastes like a white pizza, and doesn’t need a dip to make them tasty. 10 grams of whole grain per serving. Can handle thick dips. Phones that allow you to read reviews in the middle of the grocery store.
Cons: Original version doesn’t have a unique flavor, tastes like of like a saltine cracker, and needs a dip. Dips are usually just speed bumps on the road to gluttony. Using the term “Pitastic.”

Consistency is a glorious, necessary trait for humanity. Not just being consistently good at something, mind you—like the SEC’s year in and year out domination of college football—but in being predictable in any sort of behavior or result.

It’s the kind of attribute which keeps order in the universe. Which allows us, at the end of the day, to know Jack Bauer will save the world from a catastrophic nuclear incident, or regardless of whatever the new Star Wars movies feature, the Stormtroopers are still going to suck at shooting.

You know what’s not consistent? Wheat Thins’ Limited Edition Dill Pickle crisps. They’re so woefully inconsistent. They remind me of what would happen if an NFL team ever alternated Tom Brady and Tony Romo for every other snap (note to Madden players, this is not advisable on All-Madden mode.) Rarely have I encountered a snack I’ve wanted to love so much and wanted to hate so passionately; seldom have I partaken in a game of flavor roulette like the one I experienced when dunking my hands into the neon-green pickle graced box.

I guess I should go back to the start of this love-hate relationship. I had high hopes for these given that I’m a card carrying dill pickle fiend. Okay, not so much that I would name my second-born son after the combination of herbs and vinegar, but enough that I get chided by friends for adding dill pickles to every sandwich imaginable. BLT? Better make that a BLTP. Peanut Butter and Jelly? Hey it’s not as crazy as it sounds! And don’t ask me to exercise restraint in the presence of Route 11’s Dill Pickle potato chips, which have just the right amount of zing and zang to perk up an otherwise refreshing and floral herb flavor.

The aroma of the crackers is intense, with a sort of unnatural and heavy smell that’s more reminiscent of a straight-up jar of Mt. Olive pickles than your standard dill pickle potato chips. The seasoning seems twofold in nature, with specks of both green dried dill weed and an odd powdery white substance adorning the crackers in varying levels of coverage. It’s this inconsistent coverage which I soon found to be the crackers’ undoing.

Those which aired on the lighter side of seasoning, with less of the powdery white substance and more of the dried dill, had a restrained vinegar flavor that perked my taste buds to the ensuing malty, wheaty sweetness of the cracker. Just the right amount of salt rounded out the sweetness, which reaches its apex upon the trademark crunch and glutinous chew.

That was cracker number one. Cracker number two proved less enjoyable. A lot less enjoyable. The chief culprit seems to be the powdery white substance. Heavy like the seasoning for sour cream, it’s got a buttermilk funk and an overbearing vinegar flavor that tastes way too much like pure dill pickle brine. Not the pickle, mind you, but the freaking brine. It’s just too strong and lacking any of the floral qualities of dill to render it as a true dill pickle flavor. In fact, it’s so overwhelming I would have thought I was eating white vinegar-flavored Wheat Thins. The worst part of the experience? The flavor overwhelms the backend malty sweetness, and damages the otherwise worthy Wheat Thins base.

That was cracker two. Cracker three was somewhere in between these two extremes, while cracker four was even better than cracker one, having little of the white residue to torment me with its excessive fermented funk. It was at that point that the Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins and I decided to take a break from each other. Rather, it was at this point that I decided I needed a snack I could count on.

The Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins are the worst kind of snack imaginable because they manage to be both maddeningly heavy and repulsive but also herbaceously crunchtastic at the same time. Depending on the level of seasoning you encounter you’re either facing third and eleven with Tony Romo bound to screw it up, or Tom Brady ready to deliver a comeback touchdown toss. That kind of inconsistency is fine if you’re trying to test the limits of Madden NFL 2015, but it’s definitely not something I want in my snacks.

(Nutrition Facts – 14 crackers – 140 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 180 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of sugar, 4 grams of fiber, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Nabisco Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 9 oz box
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Wonderful dill pickle flavor can be balanced, giving just the right combination of vinegar tang and herbaceous relief. Wheat Thins base is excellent as always. Background malt flavor meshes well with the dill. Crunchier than regular pickles and not as slimy. Knowing Stormtroopers will still suck at shooting in Episode VII.
Cons: Depending on the amount of seasoning, can be overbearing and excessively briny. Like drinking pickle juice on a hot summer and then taking a three mile run. Unrealistic hypothetical NFL personnel decisions only possible in Madden

Purchased Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 4.5 oz. bag
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: If you love the flavor and crunch of Popchips, you’ll enjoy these. Serving size (27 chips) is kind of crazy, but in a good way because you could mindlessly pop these in your mouth one after another and then stop yourself because you think you’ve overindulged, but then figure out you haven’t reached one serving yet. Low fat. Just 130 calories per serving.
Cons: If you’re hoping for the flavor of Wheat Thins, you’ll be disappointed; it tastes nothing like Wheat Thins. Tastes too much like potato Popchips (dried potatoes are the second ingredient listed). If I want Popchips, I’ll go buy some damn Popchips. Doesn’t have the hearty Wheat Thins crunch. Lacks the perfect square shape to make it possible to play Wheat Thins football with them.

Nutrition Facts: 27 chips – 130 calories, 25 calories from fat, 3 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 125 milligrams of potassium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 8% vitamin C, and 4% iron.