QUICK REVIEW: Rockstar Pure Zero Energy Drink (Punched and Silver Ice)

Rockstar Pure Zero Energy Drink (Punched and Silver Ice)

Purchased Price: $1.50 each
Size: 16 oz. cans
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Punched)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Silver Ice)
Pros: Punched has a pleasant, but not too sweet, fruit punch flavor. Silver Ice has an equally pleasant and not too sweet citrus flavor. No calories. Sugar free. They don’t really taste like zero sugar drinks. 80 milligrams of caffeine per serving gives a nice boost of energy. Light carbonation makes them easy to drink. Punched has a cute pink color that Hello Kitty would enjoy.
Cons: Artificial sweeteners become noticeable as they gets warmer. They obviously copied the idea of textured cans from Monster Energy.

Nutrition Facts: 8 fl. oz. – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 180 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram of erythritol, 0 grams of protein, 100% niacin, 100% vitamin B12, 100% vitamin B6, and 100% pantothenic acid.)

QUICK REVIEW: Tropical Citrus Rockstar Energy Water

Tropical Citrus Rockstar Energy Water

Purchased Price: $1.59
Size: 20 oz. bottle
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Hydrating. If you enjoy kicking your heart with 200 milligrams of caffeine, you will like this. Contains typical Rockstar Energy Drink ingredients. Sugar free. Zero calories. Provides 100 percent of your daily vitamin C.
Cons: If you hate the amount of flavor VitaminWaters have, you’ll hate this. Tropical citrus flavor was a bit odd and it almost doesn’t do a good job of masking the bitterness of the caffeine. Way too easy to drink. Artificial sweeteners more noticeable as it gets warmer.

Nutrition Facts: 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 100% vitamin C.
Other reviews: Caffeine King, Caffeine! The Energy Blog

REVIEW: Mountain Dew Kickstart (Fruit Punch and Orange Citrus)

Mountain Dew Kickstart

Wise men once said in the late-1980s, and more recently in a Kia commercial, “Ooh, are you ready girls? Ooh, are you ready now? Ooh, yeah! Kickstart my heart, give it a start! Ooh, yeah, baby! Ooh, yeah! Kickstart my heart, hope it never stops! Ooh, yeah, baby!”

During my teen years, those motivational words from Mötley Crüe made me run faster, drive faster, eat faster, build Lego kits faster, and feather my hair.

But today, because I’m old, decrepit, and my iPod’s alarm allows me to snooze it, I need more than Tommy Lee’s drumming, Mick Mars’ guitar licks, Nikki Sixx’s bassing, and Vince Neil’s screaming to kickstart my heart and morning. Well, Mountain Dew might have what I’m looking for with their new Kickstart beverages.

Sure, if you wanted to Dew the Dew while there’s morning dew, you could drink a regular can or bottle of Mountain Dew, but Mountain Dew Kickstart is made for the morning. It’s a sparkling juice beverage that combines the flavor of fruit juice with the caffeine of coffee. Yes, it’s basically a morning soda that can be part of your complete breakfast. But, just like breakfast cereals, consuming them at two o’clock in the afternoon would not be a faux pas.

Mountain Dew Kickstart comes in 16-ounces cans and two flavors — Orange Citrus (makes sense) and Fruit Punch (not so much). If you were to drink a can to start your morning, you’d have downed 80 calories, 20 grams of sugar, 100 percent of your daily vitamin C, 80 percent of your daily niacin, 80 percent of your daily vitamin B6, and 92 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine, all of which is much better than regular Mountain Dew. A 16-ounce serving of Mountain Dew has 230 calories, 62 grams of sugar, 72 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine, and isn’t a significant source of any vitamins and minerals.

Mountain Dew Energizing Fruit Punch Kickstart

We love our fruit punch here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, so a part of me was excited to see it as a Mountain Dew Kickstart flavor. However, at the same time I was a bit confused about the choice. Fruit punch isn’t a breakfast drink and is stereotypically (according to television) something that’s spiked at school dances with alcohol or Spanish Fly. Perhaps a more breakfast-friendly flavor, like apple, would’ve been better.

The aroma from the can was mildly fruity and somewhat reminded me of Hawaiian Punch. The sparkling juice beverage sparkled moderately, making it easier to drink than any other Mountain Dew soda. It started off with nice sweet fruity flavor similar to other fruit punches I’ve had (which is mostly McDonald’s fruit punch) and ended with an aftertaste that’s similar to Diet Mountain Dew. If you decided to test my taste buds for which fruits make up the punch, I would fail. Overall, it’s not a bad beverage, but I feel weird drinking it with breakfast.

However, Mountain Dew Orange Citrus Kickstart tastes more like something appropriate for breakfast.

Mountain Dew Energizing Orange Citrus Kickstart

The orange-flavored sparkling juice beverage doesn’t have an aroma as strong as its red sibling, and whatever smell there is its a generic citrus. Just like Mountain Dew Fruit Punch Kickstart, it had a mild amount of carbonation, so look elsewhere if you want to wake up with fizz tickling your nose.

The orange citrus flavor tasted more like tangerines, which was fine, but what wasn’t fine was how the initial taste, which, like its aroma, wasn’t very strong, quickly went from mild to extremely watered down to an artificial sweetener aftertaste. Its flavor wasn’t a kickstart; instead it was more of a downshift.

To be honest, I’m not sure who’s going to regularly buy Mountain Dew Kickstart. Xtreme Dew fans will probably sneer at the fact that it’s a “sparkling juice beverage”; hardcore energy drink drinkers will scoff at the 92 milligrams of caffeine per 16-ounce serving; nutritionists will ridicule the 5 percent juice both flavors contain; and 12-year-olds will laugh at the acetate isobutyrate they contain because they’ll probably pronounce it as, “ass taint I saw booty rate.”

But what do I know. I feathered my hair in the late 80s.

(Disclosure: I received free samples of Mountain Dew Kickstart from Mountain Dew.)

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – Fruit Punch – 80 calories, 0 grams of fat, 170 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 19 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 100% vitamin C, 80% niacin, 80% vitamin B6, 60% pantothenic acid, and 10% phosphorus. Orange Citrus – 80 calories, 0 grams of fat, 180 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 20 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 100% vitamin C, 80% niacin, 80% vitamin B6, 60% pantothenic acid, and 10% phosphorus.)

Items: Mountain Dew Kickstart (Fruit Punch and Orange Citrus)
Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 16 fl. oz. cans
Purchased at: Received from Mountain Dew
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Fruit Punch)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Orange Citrus)
Pros: 92 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. Good fruit punch flavor. Nice energy boost. Significantly less calories and sugar than regular Mountain Dew. Mild carbonation makes it easy to drink. Awesome source of vitamin C, niacin, and vitamin B6. Mötley Crüe.
Cons: Only 5 percent juice. Weird drinking fruit punch in the morning. Both have an artificial sweetener aftertaste. Orange Citrus’ flavor goes from mild to light. Not sure who will buy this regularly.

REVIEW: Mike Tyson’s Black Energy Drink (Poland)

Mike Tyson's Black Energy 1I guess you could do worse than Mike Tyson as your product spokesperson. Granted there was that whole sex crime conviction and he did rip a guy’s ear off with his teeth and he did threaten to eat a guy’s children. But still. Spokesmen have been known to do worse.

I’m sure we all remember back in late 90s when the Jolly Green Giant rolled his Pontiac Fiero in the desert outside Reno after a four day meth bender. Sure he survived relatively unharmed, but sadly his diminutive life companion Sprout did not. The trial was sad and left the giant a broken man. And the next morning’s New York Times headline didn’t help his state of mind, mocking his beloved Jingle. “Ho, ho, ho! Maaaanslaughter. ”

Then it came to light that the only things Poppin’ Fresh was poppin’ were handfuls of OxyContin.

And I don’t even want to mention when Mr. Peanut’s fetish video surfaced.

Though I’m sure none of us were very surprised when Cap’n Crunch stabbed that guy outside of that Hooters in San Bernardino.

I used to be a Mike Tyson fan. When I was a kid, I loved him. Sure, I’d never seen him in a real life boxing match, nor had I ever heard him speak. But he was about the toughest NES boss I’d ever come across at that point in my life. That’s gotta count for something.

Mike Tyson's Black Energy 2I guess my first real falling out with ol’ Iron Mike came in 1990 when he lost the title to Buster Douglas. Again, I hadn’t seen a second of that fight (like my mom would ever let me get anything on Pay-Per-View). All I knew was that I’d been looking forward to Tyson refereeing a match between the then-heroic Hulk Hogan and the then-alive Macho King Randy Savage on Saturday Night’s Main Event, and now I would have to watch a boxing champion referee who didn’t star in a video game I’d been playing for years! What a disappointment.

Since then, like most of the world, I’ve watched with mild interest (and pity), Tyson’s slow descent from the God of Punching to a guy who just sort of floats around in the pop culture ether, showing up in stuff every once in a while.

And what better stop on that weird downward spiral than a stint as a peddler for this Polish energy drink.

Mike Tyson’s Black Energy.

First off, I like the can design. Simple and straightforward. Mike’s face tattoo is not something you’ll miss on a shelf. And a quick scan of the ingredients list reveals my new favorite drink ingredient: “aroma.”

Popping the top revealed a very Red Bullesque (Red Bullian?) nosegrope. Underwhelming. I was hoping “aroma” was going to be champion sweat.

Mike Tyson's Black Energy 4

The drink itself is the color of my pee when I realize I haven’t had a liquid other than coffee in a few days. I was really hoping it was going to be intensely black. The drink. Not my pee.

Although…

Mike Tyson's Black Energy 3

I don’t know what I was expecting this to taste like. Mike Tyson with part of Evander Holyfield’s ear in his mouth was at the front of my mind. All of those Polish jokes I’ve heard old people tell, in the back of my mind. I was hoping for some intensely foul craziness. But Mike Tyson’s Black Energy just tastes like Red Bull, though maybe not quite as sharp. Disappointing in the grand scheme, but I do like the Red Bull.

If you’re in Poland, I recommend picking up a can, if for no other reason than to have it on a shelf in your cubicle. Because why wouldn’t you?

I also recommend YouTubing the Black Energy commercials.

I also recommend watching that Hulk Hogan match.

I also recommend playing Mike Tyson’s Punch Out.

That is all.

(Nutrition Facts – 100 mL – 46 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, .1 grams of sodium, 10.8 grams of carbohydrates, 10.8 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Mike Tyson’s Black Energy Drink (Poland)
Purchased Price: $5.99
Size: 250 mL
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Red Bull. Soda Popinksi. Early 90s WWF. Poland. Champion sweat.
Cons: Pee. Buster Douglas. Face tattoos.

REVIEW LIGHTNING ROUND (ENERGY DRINK EDITION) – 1/24/2013

Here are some quick reviews of new-ish energy drinks we’re too lazy to write full reviews for:

Rockstar Recovery Tea:Lemonade

Item: Rockstar Recovery Tea/Lemonade
Purchased Price: $1.67
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Lack of carbonation makes it easy to drink. Contains tea. Only 20 calories and 2 grams of sugar per can. It’s got electrolytes! 240 mg of caffeine per can.
Cons: Not an equal balance of tea and lemonade; it’s significantly more artificial lemonadey. 240 mg of caffeine would, at best, keep Arnold Palmer up for 48 hours, at worst, kill him. When it gets slightly warm the artificial sweeteners stand out more.
Other reviews: Caffeine King, Energy Drink Heaven, Caffeine! The Energy Blog

Rockstar SuperSours Bubbleberry Energy Drink

Item: Rockstar SuperSours Bubbleberry
Purchased Price: $1.67
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Initial bubblegum flavor was somewhat pleasant. If the 120 mg of caffeine per 8-ounce serving doesn’t wake you up, the unpleasant sourness will.
Cons: Unpleasant sour flavor at the back end ruined this drink for me. SuperSour? More like SuperSoI’mNotGoingToDrinkThisAgain.
Other reviews: Energy Drink Heaven, Caffeine King, Caffeine! The Energy Blog

Monster Zero Ultra Energy Drink

Item: Monster Energy Zero Ultra
Purchased Price: $1.67
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Great mild citrus flavor. My new favorite zero calorie energy drink. Better tasting than Monster Absolute Zero. No sugar. Easy to drink. Pretty textured can.
Cons: It looks like the water in my sink after I wash my face. Very slight artificial sweetener aftertaste that got stronger as the beverage got warmer. Can doesn’t specifically list the amount of caffeine per serving.
Other reviews: ED Junkie, Possessed by Caffeine, Blonde and Thinner

Monster Cuba-Lima

Item: Monster Energy Cuba Lima
Purchased Price: $2.19
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Nice lime flavor with a generic cola flavor in the background. Smooth. Looks like a rum and cola. Doesn’t taste like an energy drink. As good as pitcher Jose Lima was in 1999 with the Houston Astros.
Cons: If you love alcohol, you might be disappointed it’s non-alcoholic even though it’s based on a Cuba Libre (rum, cola, and lime). Don’t know how much caffeine is in each can. Strong lime flavor might be off-putting to some.
Other reviews: Thirsty Dudes, Screaming Energy, Blonde and Thinner