REVIEW: Crunk!!! Berry Energy Drink

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I stopped caring about hip-hop after Biggie got shot, Tupac got popped, and Wreckx-n-Effect disbanded, so all I know about Lil Jon is that he helped coin the word “crunk,” he likes saying YEAH!!! and WHAT? and he’s the 21st Century version of Flavor Flav in terms of looks, talent, and jeweled teeth. He also has his own line of energy drinks, the most recent being Crunk!!! Berry.

Since I have no idea what “crunk” means because I’m old, can’t understand what the Ying Yang Twins are saying, and want those damn kids to get off my lawn, I had to look up the definition of “crunk” in the Urban Dictionary, which says:

A state of high energy, as described by rapper Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz. Southern word for getting rowdy, out of control, having fun, partying, going crazy.

So basically “crunk” is a noise complaint or 911 call waiting to happen.

After drinking the Crunk!!! Berry Energy Drink, I expected to get “crunked” and “buckwild” since it contained almost every B Vitamin in existence and 96 milligrams of caffeine. I did get a big boost from it, but didn’t get rowdy or out of control. Unless you consider grinding my body against my vacuum cleaner while barking like a dog “out of control.” This energy drink also contained a list of ingredients that sounded like they belong in a witch’s caldron: horny goat weed, white willow, skullcap, and ashwaganda.

WHAT are they for?

I’m pretty sure they’re there to get me and you crunked out of our frickin’ minds. YEAH!!!

The Crunk!!! Berry Energy Drink smelled like grape juice and its initial taste also reminded me of grape juice, but then the acai berry flavor hit me which was quite tart, and finally, its aftertaste reminded me of raisins. It was like a rainbow containing only purple and at the end of that rainbow was a decent tasting energy drink.

It wasn’t the best energy drink I’ve tasted, but it did give me a good boost of energy and I guess that’s what’s most important when you’re trying to get crunked.

YEAH!!!

(Supplement Facts – 8 ounces – 120 calories, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 28 grams of sugar, 50% Vitamin C, 25% Vitamin E, 25% Vitamin B1, 95% Vitamin B2, 95% Vitamin B3, 95% Vitamin B6, 95% Vitamin B12, 95% Vitamin B5, 4% Calcium, 2% Magnesium, 4% Selenium, and 4% Sodium.)

Item: Crunk!!! Berry Energy Drink
Price: FREE
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: Received from Crunk!!! Energy Drink
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Nice boost of energy. Like a purple rainbow. Full of B Vitamins and stuff that will get you crunked. 96 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine.
Cons: Not the best energy drink I’ve tasted. Contains High Fructose Corn Syrup. Name contains excessive exclamation points. The blinding shine from Lil Jon’s teeth. I’m old. Damn kids on my lawn. Wreckx-n-Effect disbandment.

REVIEW: Nice Look Drink

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They did it. I can’t fucking believe it. Someone is selling a canned beverage that has bird spit in it. Is demand really that high? Or was there a choice between a drink based on bird spit or bird balls soup? I guess the Nice Look Drink is a Chinese energy drink or something like it, judging by its cheesy name and the can is the size of a Red Bull. The avian saliva comes from the bird’s nest soup in the beverage, which according to Wikipedia is believed to, “aid digestion, raise libido, improve the voice, alleviate asthma, improve focus, and boost the immune system.”

So basically, it’s a fuck drink. Oh, and the ingredient list is mercifully short too: water, white fungus, bird’s nest, rock sugar, and vanilla. So it’s an organic fuck drink, I stand corrected.

I popped the top open to find myself inhaling a rather unusual smell for a beverage. It smells like a Chinese bakery, a really good one that has fresh baked buns, cakes, and tarts. It’s actually one of my favorite kinds of smells when I was a kid, visiting bakeries in Toronto on the way to see my relatives. Although, it is a bit strange to smell baked goods just before you fuck; nothing like a freshly baked pie before you get your pie!

It gets worse. Although, I’ll admit, how good can a drink based on a soup loaded with bird hock really be? Especially if it looks like the toilet bowl at my work, loaded with piss and toilet paper? Nice Look Drink, my ass. I should have bought the Ass Am Milk Tea instead. At least you get what you pay for, literally.

It feels thicker than water, like sugar syrup, and the fungus/bird’s nest feels pretty gelatinous on the tongue. It’s kind of like a thin egg drop soup, so to speak.

How does it taste? It almost tastes like Yeo’s White Gourd drink (similar smell, too), with a sweet bread/cookie-ish taste to it. That’s not to say it’s good. It’s not. There’s also this floweriness to it that peaks in the aftertaste. And I’ve never been much of a fan of flowers in food. I think it feminizes the food somehow. It’s sort of like dressing Batman up with pink or Scottish plaid external underwear instead of the black underwear. It just doesn’t work.

I wish I was in California, cause then I could recycle this crap and get 5 cents back, which I’d use for a cheap tranny hooker.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 godawful can – 72 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 12 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 400% DV of bird hawk.)

Item: Nice Look Drink
Price:$1.29
Size: 250 ml
Purchased at: China Mart
Rating: 1 out of 10
Pros: Chinese bakery smell. Fuck drink. Probably organic. Short list of ingredients. Recyclable in California for $0.05. Cheap tranny hookers.
Cons: Sweet bread taste. Flowery-ness. Thin texture. Piss and TP appearance. Bird hawk. Misleading name. Batman without black undies.

REVIEW: JT Super Haioku

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High-octane fuels are meant for high-performance car engines, so it would seem that the JT Super Haioku (haioku is high-octane in Japanese) is probably meant for super high-performance bodies. What kind of body would be considered “super high-performance?”

I’m pretty sure it’s not yours or mine or those out-of-shape douchebags who seem to think running without a shirt in public is a good idea. A super high-performance body probably has the ability to do things physically that I can only dream of doing, like running a marathon, walking on my hands, touching my toes, making my ears wiggle, or doing those push-ups with the clapping of hands in between each one.

Because my body isn’t a super high-performance one, I didn’t think the JT Super Haioku would make a difference, like filling my Toyota Corolla with premium gasoline or using extra strength No-Doze at a reading of existential poetry from the late 19th century by Ben Stein in a cold room after a turkey dinner. Actually, to be honest, I’m not sure what kind of improved performance I’m supposed to get by drinking the JT Super Haioku. Physical? Mental? Sexual? Financial? Commonsensical? Alphabetical? Phantasmagorical? (Insert word ending in -al here with a question mark at the end.) It probably says something on the bottle about what it helps, but my Japanese reading abilities are as poor as my toe touching abilities.

It does contain Vitamin B1 and taurine, so I assume it’s supposed to provide some kind of energy. However, after drinking an entire bottle, I have to report that it did nothing to improve my performance in anything. No buzz. No increased stamina. No looking both ways before crossing the street. No four-hour erections. No messed up technicolor dreams involving French mimes in a field of tulips.

The JT Super Haioku’s taste was very similar to the Vitalon P Drink I reviewed earlier this year, which tasted like slightly carbonated pure sugar water. Since they both had the same boring taste, I expected it to have about the same amount of sugar, but according to the English nutrition label that’s affixed to the bottle, it contains no sugar. However, the ingredients list, also in English, started off with the sugars fructose and glucose. Another odd item I noticed on the nutritional label was that it said it had no Vitamin C, but the ingredients list contained Vitamin C. With all those inconsistencies, it made me suspicious of the JT Super Haioku.

Maybe it’s not high-octane after all, it’s just regular octane. Or perhaps haioku doesn’t mean “high-octane” and instead means “Yes, you are a sucker and bought a beverage that does nothing for you, but puts money in our pockets. You silly American. Ha. Ha. Ha.”

But my Japanese translation is probably wrong, since my Asian language translation abilities suck just as much as my push-up capabilities.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 110 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 30 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 0% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 0% Calcium, and 0% Iron.)

Item: JT Super Haioku
Price: $1.99
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: Nijiya Market
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Sweet. Slightly carbonated. It’s Japanese. No high fructose corn syrup.
Cons: Boring. Tastes like pure sugar water. Not high-octane. Inconsistent English nutrition label. My skills in anything. Doesn’t improve performance in anything. Out-of-shape douchebags who seem to think running without a shirt in public is a good idea. Being at a reading of existential poetry from the late 19th century.

Ocean Spray Raspberry Cranberry Lift Cranergy

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The Ocean Spray Raspberry Cranberry Lift Cranergy is causing some internal conflict because I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do after drinking it. It technically is an energy drink, but its bottle doesn’t look like one, so I’m not sure when I’m heading out of my second story apartment if I should take the extreme route, which includes smashing a window with a chair, making a running leap through the blown out window, tucking and rolling several times when I hit the ground, and then popping up into a Mr. Olympia pose, or if I should take the calm route, which involves using the stairs.

Not only does the Raspberry Cranberry Lift Cranergy not look extreme on the outside, it also isn’t very extreme inside the bottle. There aren’t any really extreme ingredients, like taurine, guarana, and licks Slash’s guitar. It’s made up of cranberry, raspberry, and grape juices, which extreme people love…I mean, extremely old people love. Green tea extract and B-Vitamins provide the Cranergy’s “natural energy.” Each of the B-Vitamins supplies 70 percent of the daily recommended amount, but I don’t know how much the green tea extract provides. Green tea is usually added to products because of its natural caffeine content, but nowhere on the packaging could I find the amount of caffeine it delivers, which makes this beverage even less extreme.

Like most energy drinks, the Cranergy had a bite to it, but it was more of a tart bite than a bitter bite, which shouldn’t be surprising because as everyone with urinary tract infections know, cranberry juice is quite tart. There’s also a slight bitterness that probably came from the green tea. I enjoyed the Raspberry Cranberry Lift Cranergy because it tasted pretty much like other Ocean Spray cranberry beverages, so it will probably mix well with vodka. It didn’t give me a lift of energy, but then again, I drink big honkin’ extreme energy drinks with 100 plus milligrams of caffeine on a regular basis, so the Cranergy is like a tender stroking of my arm, while a real extreme energy drink is like an indian rope burn.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces – 50 calories, 0 g of fat, 75 mg of sodium, 13 g of carbohydrates, 13 g of sugar, 0 g of protein, 100% vitamin C, 70% niacin, 70% vitamin B12, 70% vitamin B2, 70% vitamin B6, 70% pantothenic acid, and 0 g of extreme)

Item: Ocean Spray Raspberry Cranberry Lift Cranergy
Price: $5.39
Size: 4 pack – 12 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like other Ocean Spray cranberry drinks. 50% fewer calories and less sugar than most energy drinks. 100% Vitamin C. Provides a decent amount of B-Vitamins. Will probably mix well with vodka.
Cons: Not extreme at all. There’s green tea, but no caffeine. Contains only 20% fruit juice. Small bottle. Tart bite. Won’t provide energy for those who are regular energy drink consumers.

REVIEW: Full Throttle Coffee Energy Drink (Mocha, Vanilla, Caramel)

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Full Throttle Coffee Energy Drink (Mocha, Vanilla, Caramel)

Coffee is probably one of the original gangstas of energy drinks, so the idea of adding an energy drink to coffee seems unnecessary, like a bra on an Olsen twin. But companies who like to energize the masses and make money doing so think this fusion is necessary and have created coffee energy drinks to make the beverage of choice for tired office workers everywhere in their cubicles of shame a little more extreme.

Monster Energy was the first to do it, Rockstar Energy was next to do it, Starbucks recently came out with theirs, and now Full Throttle Energy Drink has their own coffee energy drink with the uninspired name of Full Throttle Coffee.

Next up for the Full Throttle Energy Drink? Following others into a volcano.

Full Throttle Coffee comes in three flavors: Mocha, Vanilla, and Caramel. I’ve pretty much enjoyed every single coffee energy drink I’ve tried, including these from Full Throttle. However, these are definitely sweeter and creamier than the coffee energy drinks from the other companies. But I guess when each can has 43-48 grams of sugar and has cream in its ingredients list, it fucking makes sense.

The chocolate, vanilla, and caramel flavors really drown out the coffee taste in their respective drinks, which is good if you don’t like the bitterness of coffee, but bad if you like your coffee to be as bitter as your feeling towards your ex-significant other.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can (varies between flavor) – 250-270 calories, 7 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 370-390 milligrams of sodium, 45-50 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 43-48 grams of sugar, 4-5 grams of protein, 15% calcium, 200% niacin, 200% vitamin B6, 1123-1124 milligrams of taurine, 167-168 milligrams of ginseng extract, 27 milligrams of carnitine, 1.3 milligrams of guarana extract, and 126-131 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine.)

Item: Full Throttle Coffee Energy Drink (Mocha, Vanilla, Caramel)
Price: $1.99 (15 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Mocha)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Vanilla)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Caramel)
Pros: Smells and tastes good. No high fructose corn syrup. Creamy. Strong chocolate, vanilla, and caramel flavor. Over 100 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine.
Cons: Another coffee energy drink. High fructose corn syrup. Lots of fucking sugar. Sweetness drowns out coffee flavor. Maybe too sweet for some. Uninspired name. Cubicles of shame. Just following other energy drinks.

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